getting by...

For some twisted reason, I think I'm getting by quite well... maybe because I've been thru a lot of things now and this seems to me like just a small stubble on my finger. And maybe because the people around me have been very supportive, I feel like I will never be alone. That's what makes life all good... only bad thing about life is the one who's living it.. hahaha.

Anyway, we now have a seat plan in the office. So that's one freedom they took from us, to sit wherever we like. It's alright I think, but I just don't see the point of making one when everyone gets to have their own station anyway, regardless of where they sit. Well, there's really nothing we can do but abide by the rules. So the only thing I can do is follow and then rant about it.. thankful that I still have that freedom (to rant). I'd die without it.

and this fateful night..

Okay.. I don't know why fate has been so unkind to me these past few days. Just when the relationship was over, we now see each other almost every day coincidentally. It's so ironic, it's not even funny. It could very much pass as a line on Alanis' song. Just when you gave up on the relationship, it started to look as if it could have worked out.

This time, what happened was when the elevator was going up... I had a funny feeling that I'll see him when I saw that the 29th floor was lit... and when it got to that floor, there he was! Luckily, he was going down and I was able to hide behind the person in front of me. If my heart was any weaker, I could really get a heart attack one of these days. I'll never look at an elevator the same way.

That Fateful morning...

I survived my first encounter with my recent ex this morning on my way home. I embarked the elevator with no knowledge of who I will be sharing it with. When I stepped in, my trainer was there coincidentally. He asked me why I'm not going to the 29th floor before I go home and went on and told him why. He was just in the middle of his sentence saying 'Ah, so wala ka na palang dinadaanan dyan ngayon' when the ex stepped in. Imagine my shock when I saw him. Ever since I worked at PS, I've never coincidentally shared an elevator with him. I silently prayed that he didn't hear anything. He acknowledged my presence by flashing a sheepish smile at me. Maybe he was just as shocked as I was. Because of that shock.. I wasn't able to think straight and the first thing I blurted out was... 'Break?' (Talk about words with double meaning!). He responded by saying he's on lunch and I guess to avoid awkward silence (because the situation in itself is awkward enough), he asked me why I'm going home just now.. and again, because of the shock, I couldn't even remember what I said in response. We left the elevator and we just said goodbye with our brows. That was how I survived my first encounter with my recent ex. Not quite what I wished to happen, but I guess it was bound to happen. I better get ready for fate's next strike...

Loves it

You’ll Be Safe Here
[ Rivermaya ]

Nobody knows
Just why we’re here
Could it be fate
Or random circumstance
At the right place
At the right time
Two roads intertwine

And if the universe conspired
To meld our lives
To make us
Fuel and fire
Then know
Where ever you will be
So too shall I be

Chorus:

Close your eyes
Dry your tears
‘Coz when nothing seems clear
You’ll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Weary heart
You’ll be safe here

Remember how we laughed
Until we cried
At the most stupid things
Like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong

And though the world would
Never understand
This unlikely union
And why it still stands
Someday we will be set free.
Pray and believe

Chorus:

When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here

Save your eyes
From your tears
When everything’s unclear
You’ll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart

When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here

When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here

In my arms
Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You’ll be safe here

When no one understands
I’ll believe
You’ll be safe,
You’ll be safe
You’ll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands
You’ll be safe here

"you're free..."

It's ironic, that this month of hearts.. I let go of the person closest to mine. It was my turn to give a seemingly lousy and invalid excuse. My turn to be the evil girlfriend who breaks up with an angelic boyfriend. (It used to be the other way around) I know it may sound really dumb that the reason for our break up is because we don't have time to be with each other. But it's true. Sounds dumb but its true. We hardly see each other nor talk to each other and the relationship is not stable enough to withstand such absence. I wanted the relationship to work out, but it's just too damn difficult. We can't seem to work it out. My feelings decreased as the time of not being together increased. It waned until I thought I was becoming unfair. And I can say I really was. My guilt consumed me.

All I said was we needed to talk. He didn't like talking, he never did. Even if we were fighting during a phone conversation, he will think of an excuse just to get off the phone. He hates confrontations. But hey, that's not an excuse. It's not like he never confronted me when he confessed his feelings to me, right? But no, the last thing I heard from him was a text message. I felt like I was Carrie Bradshaw, when Berger broke up with her through a Post-it(TM). That simple 'We need to talk', triggered a lot of emotions in him. What struck me the most was when he said 'I'll spare you the trouble, you're free'. It kept repeating inside my head long after I've finished reading it. As much as I want to see him and hold him one last time, he just won't let me. I tried convincing him to talk by all means of communication I know and I am almost ready to give up.

Don't get me wrong, I love the guy, but I just don't think things are working right between us anymore. I feel so bad about letting go of the only guy who has given me the best treatment a girl could ever have. I mean, who doesn't want that. But I don't think I deserve to be treated that way. He deserves somebody better. (I know it's clicheic, but he really does deserve better) I cannot give him the kind of love he deserves. I don't think I'm ready for love after all... It's crazy, I know. A self-confessed romantic who's not quite ready to love...

Perfect Day

My brother got wed last Monday at Lagos Del Sol at Caliraya. That wedding was first in many aspects of my life. That was the first time that I was ever a part of the entourage. That was the first time I've ever cried in a wedding. That was the first garden wedding I've been to. That was the first Christian wedding I've been to. That was the first wedding in my family.

The wedding was so much like a fairy tale wedding that every girl wishes. I felt like I was in a movie! The bride cried the moment she stood up on the aisle (I will too if I was her!). I don't know, everything just seemed perfect. The only thing I hate is the fact that the sun is only shining on the right half of my body. So all I got was a sunburnt right shoulder. So much for a tan!

Anyway, I'm going to be on the graveyard shift starting next week (Another first for me!). At least my rest days will fall on a weekend, so if there will be any family outings.. I won't miss it anymore! I'll be working from 6pm to 3am starting Monday next week. I did not get the really early shifts like 2am, 4am, 5am or 6am because I did not like the idea of waking up before dawn. Also, I didn't want to go home at around noon coz I can't sleep with the noon sun shining so bright. So, I guess this schedule will work for me, I hope. At least, I get night diff.. that's enough compensation...

I Hate Love

Have you ever been in love?

Horrible, isn't it?

It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way to your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that.

Especially not love.

I hate love.

- Neil Gaiman, Sandman: The Kindly Ones

sad realizations

The year is closing to an end... and I just couldn't help getting all emotional about it... I just wasted another year of my life. I did nothing in this year that I should be proud of. All I did was to make all the wrong decisions and deal with its endless consequences. Honestly speaking, I'm tired of taking the same bull* everyday... for a year! But I've no one else to blame but me (and that's the saddest part of all!) I know, this may seem like another one of my bitter entries, but it's really the only way I could get by. Or else, I'd go crazy. Besides, it's not like I forced you to read this, right? But anyway, I hope the year ahead will be much better than this one. I'm gonna wipe the slate clean and start all over again. Try to straighten up my crooked life. Wish it was that easy to do.

I don't really know what came over me this year, maybe it's because I'm finally living in the real world, and I was quite unprepared to face it. (Or should I say very much unprepared?) When I got my first job, nobody warned me about the people I'll be dealing with. I was like walking blindly into a world I have absolutely no knowledge of. As expected, I did one wrong move after another, until it became too much for me to handle and I eventually lost control. Work was fine really, it was great even, it was the people I work with that bugged me (or should I just say person?). Taking advantage of my utter ignorance. And it was during this time that I wish I was still a kid, that I wish I never grew up. That I wish Neverland existed. That I wish I was only dreaming. That I... well, you get the point...

Aside from that, I ventured into something that I am really not sure I wanted to be in in the first place... and it has a high price tag, so high that even if I'm earning a little more than usual, I am still paying for it until now.

Moreover, I wasn't able to spend enough time with my dad while he was here. I was always going home really late, and I used up practically all the seemingly valid excuses I can think of. Would you believe I was the only one who was scolded by him the whole time he was here? Unbelievable me.

Then, until now, I have not saved anything from my salary. Everything is used up everytime I get it. It practically slips off my palm as soon as I get it. It only took me a couple of days (or less) to spend something I worked for for two weeks.

There's more, but I don't think I want to show the world how stupid I am. All I'll say is if only I get a penny for every mistake I did, I'd probably be richer than Bill Gates by now.

i don't think they're even human

It's a fact, jerkasses are everywhere (A cross between jerks and a*holes)... you have to deal with them everyday whether you like it or not... and it's difficult to understand why they always have to wreck what could have been a beautiful, more meaningful and rather peaceful life... somehow, they always find a way to get into your system and stay there like a virus without an easy cure... I know by this time, I should be a pro in telling one apart for I've been dealing with them for so long (too long, if you ask me) but these past few days, I have a feeling my instincts are starting to betray me... Now, I became a victim once again. I fell into the deepest darkest pit that I've ever been to, and I don't think I could ever get out so easily without doing great damage to myself. I must have been such an easy prey. I just can't believe how their consciences can take it... best explanation to that is that they do not have a conscience at all... They are without a care on how you feel... They treat you special for one moment and then treat you like trash the next minute... They eat you up and spit you out (Hmmm.. I think I got this from a song)... All this I know, and I still can't seem to stop myself from falling for one... it's hopeless I tell you...

Alexander is Great

I watched "Alexander" with a friend at G4 last night. The movie was good, except it's a bit difficult to understand.. especially when you detest your Social Science class (like I do) and if you have so gotten used to watching movies with subtitles (like I have). It was a bit controversial though, since gay relationships are so openly displayed (not that I have anything against it). But it's cool. Also, they only showed bits and pieces of the battle, it seems that they focused too much on politics. But it's still good, coz I got to see what I wanted (hahaha.. go figure!). Before you watch it though, I suggest you brush up on your World History so you won't be clueless. Luckily, my friend knows a bit about it, so he sort of clued me in on what's happening. The movie's kinda long, so if you have work the next day... don't watch the last full show (like I did).

music...

I am the type of person who cannot live without music. Everywhere I go, music must be around... or else... I'd sing.. hahahah. Seriously! The moment I step into the bathroom, I become a diva and sing on the top of my lungs. Surprisingly enough, I have never lost my voice ever in my life, even if I scream for hours. What can I say, It's a gift! Maybe it's God's way of saying that my voice should be heard. Hahaha.

Anyway, I can't help but notice how OPM is starting to boom nowadays. These past few days, my favorite songs are Kitchie Nadal's "Wag na Wag Mong Sasabihin", Session Road's "Suntok sa Buwan" and Sponge Cola's "Lunes" and their version of Madonna's "Crazy for You". Well, that last song wasn't all that good, but it seems strange to hear it being sung by a guy (considering its a bit girlie and all). I also like Rivermaya's "Liwanag sa Dilim". It's been a while since I've had a playlist and download queues full of OPM songs. It's just nice to hear that OPM is doing great... hopefully they won't be discouraged by all the piracy that's happening. So, guys, don't buy OPM pirated cds.. just buy international artists' pirated cds.. okay?! Heheheh.. just kidding!

Lyrics: I Can't Make You Love Me

by Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights;
Turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices
Inside my head.

Lay down with me;
Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close;
Don't patronize.
Don't patronize me.

'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power;
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.

I'll close my eyes,
Then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me.

Morning will come,
And I'll do what's right;
Just give me till then
To give up this fight.

And I will give up this fight.

stitch up

I now have a two-inch long stitch on my... somewhere.. Yes, I'm finally finished with my operation. What the doctor and I thought to be a less than one centimeter thing, turned out to be one humongous mass. I believe it was even bigger than a five-peso coin, and that's no one centimeter! I was awake the whole time, and the doctor, the nurse and I are having a conversation like we were just having coffee. I never looked towards the right while he was doing the operation, coz I'm afraid I might just lose consciousness. I can feel the scissors and the blade cut through my skin, it feels a bit cold on the skin but no pain at all. If I did feel even the slightest sense of pain, the doctor will inject anaesthesia right away. It wasn't that long, less than an hour actually, but it was long enough for my mom to feel tension pain. But if you're the one lying there, you'll feel like it's taking forever for the doctor to finish.

After the operation, I went out of the room as if nothing happened. My mom told my dad to buy the prescribed medicine which I'll be taking for five days. My mom said my boyfriend called on my cellphone while I was inside and he asked for the directions how to get to the clinic. She gave the directions and he arrived just on time because my dad was in the drugstore, so I had enough time to tell him he can't be seen by my dad. Poor guy.

Right now, the stitches don't sting anymore although I can still see the thread sticking out of my skin. Ewww. At least, it's just in time for the halloween. I have to go back next week to have it removed (Halloween will be over by then).

Since the stitch is near my heart, it made me wonder, wouldn't it be nice if wounds caused by heartaches could be stitched up that fast?

out of solitude

hah! no email queues! goodie! I would have more time to read my new book, One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Originally, I wanted Love in the Time of Cholera, however, when my book finally arrived (six months after I had it reserved), I didn't have any money to pay for the said P700++ book. I believe this one's good as well (not to mention cheaper!).

A bit ironic though, since I just got out of my solitude. Yep. Finally got myself a boyfriend (again). Nothing really serious yet, we're giving each other enough time to adjust to couplehood. If I'm not mistaken, the last time I felt this way was more than a couple of years ago. So it's been a while. Over time, I have developed a sort of skepticism towards special relationships, it's just now that I've lowered my defenses. My instincts have also become better. I can easily tell if he's done something wrong. However, I have become a little more cynical than I was before. But that's just my defense mechanism. I'm just too tired of committing the same mistake over and over again. Falling in love and investing in a relationship only to get hurt and be deceived in the end. I'm sure nobody wants that to happen.

So far, he seems to be true. He's really sweet. His quote for the day yesterday was "Without you, I can still breathe... but with great difficulty". Actually, I just added a little poetic touch to it, his actual words were: "Pag anjan ka, nakakahinga ako ng maluwag... pero pagwala ka na, para akong may hika." Now, ain't that sweet?!

TGIF

Got my first paycheck! Woohoo! Now, where to splurge them... hmmmm... In truth, it's not even enough to pay all my debts! It's not that the pay is low, it's just that my debts are high! This early, I'm already buried in debts! Well, I can pay them on my next paycheck, can't I? I will pay them back, but not today! hahaha!

Anyway, I got my schedule for the next three months, it's 7am-6pm from Thurs-Sun. My off-days are Mon-Wed. So in case anyone needs to set an appointment with me, you know when to schedule. Hehehe.

My dad is here! But I won't be able to go to mass with them since I've work on Sunday. And I have to miss going shopping at Duty Free because I have work today! Well, you win some, you lose some.

Lately, I've been getting anonymous comments, thanks so much for taking the time to comment, I just wish that you will let me know who you are so I can thank you personally. Heheheh. (Sounds like the emails I will be sending once I go live. Hahah.) But seriously, I'd like to know who you are so I could stop wondering. Don't you think it would be better if we know each other? I'd hate to think you're somebody trying to pull a prank on me. So, come out, come out, whereever you are...

looking forward to having my dad around

My dad will be arriving on Friday! Basically, that's good news since that would mean we could (at long last) spend two months with him and actuallly feel what it's like to have a dad around. But then again, that would mean a complete lifestyle change for me. I won't be able to go to nightouts with my friends (which usually extends to the next day), I won't be allowed to have guy friends in the house, earlier curfew, weekends will be strictly family-time-only and I would have to stick to ultra conservative outfits (He calls everything sleeveless as sando). Am I so bad that these are the first things that I think of when my dad will be coming home after two years of being away? Well, actually, I think his presence will be enough for me to freely give up all of those things. Who knows, maybe it could make up for everything that I won't be allowed to do. I'm sure I would still be able to have a good time, sans the gimiks and nightouts. NOT! No, seriously, I think I won't even notice what I would be missing when he's here. I'll make sure I spend as much time as I can with him... you know, father and daughter bonding. Maybe the next time he comes back, he'll be walking me down the aisle... hahaha! who knows?!

a little nest(ing)

Second day of nesting. We finished another set of emails today, and I have no idea whether I did the right thing or not. The problem, really, is that there could be a lot of ways you can answer a customer's email, but you would need to be in the same page with your QA for you to get a high score. You have to think the same way she's thinking. Same frequency and all. So I must learn to mindread my QA analyst. As if that's possible...

Sometimes, (actually, most of the time) we're lucky. Because there are times wherein there would be no emails queued on the server. So we have to wait... and wait... and wait some more. When it arrives, you still have to be sure that it's a technical problem before they allow you to answer it on your own, since we're not CS-trained yet, if not, do some more waiting. Or you can fly from one station to another, bug the vets, hound your crush (all of them), check your friendster, or pretend you're busy studying the tools... or blog!

Oh yeah, I'll be having a minor surgery, probably this week or next week. No matter how minor, I wanna be sedated.. coz I'm freakin' scared of sharp objects cutting through my flesh.. be it needle or what...

Hallucination

Got exempted on our finals in training today! Yey! Thus, the time to blog. On my way to work today, I just found it funny that when I got on a bus, I found almost every passenger asleep! I felt like I just walked into a bus to dreamland. Y'know, those "Are You Afraid of The Dark" Midnight Society stories wherein you suddenly find yourself somewhere strange. And then you walk slowly pass the seats and feel like you're on the wrong bus. And then you start to freak out, and then the bus driver will refuse to open the door, and then they will abduct you... and then you have to call someone to save you... See what watching TV could do to your mind! It makes you hallucinate! (Or is it just me?)

Song of the Day (although it has nothing to do with hallucination... then again, maybe it has):

only wanna be with you by Rozwell

i don't know what you do to me
i see eternity staring back at me
i made a vow to you that i'm gonna keep
watching over you everytime you sleep
when i think about what i'd do for you
it makes me think about all the things you do
you never once complained about the bad things
you swallowed all your pride
& held inside all of your pain

i only wanna be with you
(wanna be with you)
now i need you to need me too
no one will come between me & you
(never, ooh)
we will live our lives forever
(forever)
we'd even cry together
(we'll cry)
forever, & ever, & ever

tell me all the things that will make you smile
you say that diamond rings are really not your style
i know you're breaking rules
when it comes to loving you
i know it's hard to choose the one you give your loving to
people ask you why & what you see in me
a smile is your reply
you say it's meant to be
that's what i love about you
you give me all of you
the only one in this whole world i'll give my love to

health is wealth?!

My work requires me to stay all day in front of the computer until I get blind. I enjoy it (but I don't know for how long), but right now, my right eye is twitching involuntarily and it annoys me. Whether it's due to lack of sleep or to my daylong staring contest with the computer, I don't know. I'm really a very sickly person. Judging from my physical exam results, I conclude that I am, indeed, "full of sickness". Check this out...

1. I am a little underweight. (107lbs.)
2. My hemoglobin count is a little low (READ:kinda anemic).
3. I have scoliosis (not that serious but it affects my posture).
4. I have a small cyst on each of my you-know-what. Whether it's benign or what, I am yet to find out.
5. I am a little claustrophobic and I hyperventilate when I'm in an overcrowded place.

If being afraid of needles (to the point of going pale) counts, well, that would be six in total. If health is wealth, then I might be one of the poorest people on earth! I just hope that that really IS all of it. And I hope none of them becomes really serious. I don't think I'm ready to die yet, but I guess I really have to prepare from now on. We'll never know!

somewhere in the middle

Can you believe that The Body Shop is having a sale?! If that's not good news, I don't know what is! Finally, I got to buy the stuff I have been ogling on everytime I visit. I just wish the sale would last until I get my very first paycheck...

Training is almost over, one more week of exams and I'm off to the real thing. So far, my stay at PS has been one of the most interesting things that ever happened in my life. I can't believe that a lot of things could happen in a span of two weeks. It's like I was taken on a wild ride wherein everything happens in lightning speed and I just couldn't quite catch up. Really crazy, but cool. It's all so freakin' new to me, and I wasn't prepared at all. It's a whole new different culture. Shocking at times, but definitely interesting. I like it. Am I making any sense at all? Doesn't matter, I'm just as lost as you are.

Forgive the sucky post, I'm currently somewhere in the middle of something that I just couldn't quite explain. I'm all messed up right now, I couldn't think straight. I am completely lost. For the meantime, let the suspense kill you. (As if you care?! hahaha..)