I have been posting on my Tumblr too much and it has gained some following so I figured I should post here the things that may not be too comfortable to share but just want to get it out there (for sanity's sake).
Almost two months after, I feel like I am back to where I started. This moving on thing is really not working well with me. When I think I'm making progress, one day I just suddenly find myself back to square one.
Physically, I am feeling every pain in my heart; my heart feels heavy, I'm having a hard time breathing, I feel like I have a lump in my throat and tears are starting to fall.
Mentally, I cannot focus on anything I do, no matter how hard I try. I end up thinking about it and tearing up out of the blue. Trying to find reason for things that happened and truths I cannot seem to accept.
Emotionally, still trying to stay strong when I face family and friends, but when I am alone and there is no need to pretend, I feel sad, lonely, empty and dejected.
Spiritually, I beg Him everyday to take my broken heart, make it whole and free from pain. I find myself questioning Him why I deserve to go through all this. Still trying, albeit occasionally failing, to trust Him that he will make all things beautiful. I continuously pray for strength to get through all this, though most times, I just feel like giving up.
This is harder than I thought. Everyday, I sometimes find myself giving up with life. It takes so much effort to convince myself that life is still worth living. I suddenly understand why some people give up. It's just so much easier. I'm afraid that someday, I may no longer have the strength to pull through. I know I still have to be strong for my family but everyday is just a struggle. I can only hope someday I make it through.
