getting by...

For some twisted reason, I think I'm getting by quite well... maybe because I've been thru a lot of things now and this seems to me like just a small stubble on my finger. And maybe because the people around me have been very supportive, I feel like I will never be alone. That's what makes life all good... only bad thing about life is the one who's living it.. hahaha.

Anyway, we now have a seat plan in the office. So that's one freedom they took from us, to sit wherever we like. It's alright I think, but I just don't see the point of making one when everyone gets to have their own station anyway, regardless of where they sit. Well, there's really nothing we can do but abide by the rules. So the only thing I can do is follow and then rant about it.. thankful that I still have that freedom (to rant). I'd die without it.

and this fateful night..

Okay.. I don't know why fate has been so unkind to me these past few days. Just when the relationship was over, we now see each other almost every day coincidentally. It's so ironic, it's not even funny. It could very much pass as a line on Alanis' song. Just when you gave up on the relationship, it started to look as if it could have worked out.

This time, what happened was when the elevator was going up... I had a funny feeling that I'll see him when I saw that the 29th floor was lit... and when it got to that floor, there he was! Luckily, he was going down and I was able to hide behind the person in front of me. If my heart was any weaker, I could really get a heart attack one of these days. I'll never look at an elevator the same way.

That Fateful morning...

I survived my first encounter with my recent ex this morning on my way home. I embarked the elevator with no knowledge of who I will be sharing it with. When I stepped in, my trainer was there coincidentally. He asked me why I'm not going to the 29th floor before I go home and went on and told him why. He was just in the middle of his sentence saying 'Ah, so wala ka na palang dinadaanan dyan ngayon' when the ex stepped in. Imagine my shock when I saw him. Ever since I worked at PS, I've never coincidentally shared an elevator with him. I silently prayed that he didn't hear anything. He acknowledged my presence by flashing a sheepish smile at me. Maybe he was just as shocked as I was. Because of that shock.. I wasn't able to think straight and the first thing I blurted out was... 'Break?' (Talk about words with double meaning!). He responded by saying he's on lunch and I guess to avoid awkward silence (because the situation in itself is awkward enough), he asked me why I'm going home just now.. and again, because of the shock, I couldn't even remember what I said in response. We left the elevator and we just said goodbye with our brows. That was how I survived my first encounter with my recent ex. Not quite what I wished to happen, but I guess it was bound to happen. I better get ready for fate's next strike...

Loves it

You’ll Be Safe Here
[ Rivermaya ]

Nobody knows
Just why we’re here
Could it be fate
Or random circumstance
At the right place
At the right time
Two roads intertwine

And if the universe conspired
To meld our lives
To make us
Fuel and fire
Then know
Where ever you will be
So too shall I be

Chorus:

Close your eyes
Dry your tears
‘Coz when nothing seems clear
You’ll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Weary heart
You’ll be safe here

Remember how we laughed
Until we cried
At the most stupid things
Like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong

And though the world would
Never understand
This unlikely union
And why it still stands
Someday we will be set free.
Pray and believe

Chorus:

When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here

Save your eyes
From your tears
When everything’s unclear
You’ll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart

When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here

When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here

In my arms
Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You’ll be safe here

When no one understands
I’ll believe
You’ll be safe,
You’ll be safe
You’ll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands
You’ll be safe here

"you're free..."

It's ironic, that this month of hearts.. I let go of the person closest to mine. It was my turn to give a seemingly lousy and invalid excuse. My turn to be the evil girlfriend who breaks up with an angelic boyfriend. (It used to be the other way around) I know it may sound really dumb that the reason for our break up is because we don't have time to be with each other. But it's true. Sounds dumb but its true. We hardly see each other nor talk to each other and the relationship is not stable enough to withstand such absence. I wanted the relationship to work out, but it's just too damn difficult. We can't seem to work it out. My feelings decreased as the time of not being together increased. It waned until I thought I was becoming unfair. And I can say I really was. My guilt consumed me.

All I said was we needed to talk. He didn't like talking, he never did. Even if we were fighting during a phone conversation, he will think of an excuse just to get off the phone. He hates confrontations. But hey, that's not an excuse. It's not like he never confronted me when he confessed his feelings to me, right? But no, the last thing I heard from him was a text message. I felt like I was Carrie Bradshaw, when Berger broke up with her through a Post-it(TM). That simple 'We need to talk', triggered a lot of emotions in him. What struck me the most was when he said 'I'll spare you the trouble, you're free'. It kept repeating inside my head long after I've finished reading it. As much as I want to see him and hold him one last time, he just won't let me. I tried convincing him to talk by all means of communication I know and I am almost ready to give up.

Don't get me wrong, I love the guy, but I just don't think things are working right between us anymore. I feel so bad about letting go of the only guy who has given me the best treatment a girl could ever have. I mean, who doesn't want that. But I don't think I deserve to be treated that way. He deserves somebody better. (I know it's clicheic, but he really does deserve better) I cannot give him the kind of love he deserves. I don't think I'm ready for love after all... It's crazy, I know. A self-confessed romantic who's not quite ready to love...