Admittedly, I've been too selfish because all I really ever wanted was for him to be mine. God made me realize that he belongs to Him. So He took him away. Saved him from all the pains and sufferings of this world. Last Sunday, July 31, 2005, at four in the morning... he went to where he truly belonged.
I was one of the few blessed people who were able to share the last day of his life with him. I felt blessed that I got to talk to him a few hours before he went away. I felt more blessed that I got to tell him the truth, for the last message he received was my affirmation of love for him.
Reliving that Saturday afternoon, it seemed like a perfect day (except I was a little late). The four hours we spent together almost felt like an eternity to me. Even though we see each other every day, I was excited to meet him. We met at MRT Ortigas station and then headed off to Robinson's Galleria. I met Marose at the food court while he waited for me somewhere else. We originally planned to watch "Wedding Crashers", but after seeing that "If Only" was still being shown, he admitted he haven't watched it yet. So we then decided to watch it instead. I can still remember every comment we made on each scene. I can still remember how he wondered how people would react if he would loudly comment on how the guy dies at the end of the movie. While we were watching, he made plans on getting spa treatment together on the next pay day (half of his body was aching that time and I was massaging his hands and arms) and plans to watch "Must Love Dogs" the next time. When we passed by Cravings, he said we would eat there on the next pay day. Both fully unaware that there won't be a next time. I suggested we eat at Shakeys because I know how much he loved thin crust pizza. I ate three slices... he ate five so he MUST love thin crust pizza. He waited till I get on the bus before he get on a taxi to get his car. When I got home, I texted him and then went to sleep for a while. At around 9PM, I got a text from him but I was too sleepy to reply. Then a few minutes after he called on our landline to check if I've been receiving his messages. We talked for a while but then he had to go and meet his sister so I went back to sleep, woke up at 1 am and decided to check up on him. He called on my cellphone and we talked for around five minutes. He sent an MMS and I replied with a text. He admitted he was drunk but he promised he'd be a good boy. I did not exactly know what he meant when he started his text with "Maybe time will come. I've done almost everything..." I shrugged it off, cause he sometimes does not know what he says when he's drunk. I was the last to text him... and I never got my reply.
I woke up without knowing what had happen to him during the night. My phone ran out of battery so I used my mom's phone to text him and ask if he got to basketball practice safely. I did not get a reply. I thought he's probably playing. When I got home and charged my phone, I received the news I never wanted to hear. It says he died on a car accident. The words pierced through my heart but it can't be true. It's just a dumb stupid joke. At first I was too shocked to do anything. Then I tried to confirm it. It cannot be true. Not him. Please not him. I know these sort of things only happen in movies... not in real life. Not in THIS life. In so much denial, I even texted him and asked him to tell me he's okay. I even tried calling him. Until it finally dawned on me... He is gone. That was the time my tears started falling and I did not make any effort to make them stop. It was too much for my weak heart to take. I never had the strength to leave him because I didn't want to lose him... and now he's gone. Whether I like it or not. My heart couldn't take the blow. For days, I wallowed in such deep sorrow. My head couldn't think straight. Nothing seemed to make any sense. I feel like I'm half-a-world away from where I am. I'm lost in my own thoughts trying to justify what had just happened. I was literally on the verge of insanity. If it weren't for the greatest friends and family in the whole world, I would have easily crossed over that line. It is from them, where I found my strength to keep myself together.
I can still vividly remember when he was here, he was a such a loving person, he made sure that there was enough love to go around. He had a very loving heart, which he was never selfish to share to other people. That's why I know he deserves a place in heaven. I recently saw him got irritated about something I did, but I can say he never got mad. Although there was this one time I think he got a little angry when I told him I'll be going home when in fact I'll be eating breakfast with my friends first before I go home. He said it made him worry coz he hasn't received any text that I got home safe. He hates it when I cry. When I cried while watching our last movie together, he was playfully saying 'tahan na'. When he gets an inkling that I'm about to cry over the phone, he comes up with a dumb question just to make me think of something else. We have this habit of associating events that happen to us in a song. If we were to create a soundtrack, it will include "Hari ng Sablay", "You'll Be Safe Here", "Instant Ayos", "Constantly" and "Hanggang Kailan". He has a good memory. He remembers most things I have already forgotten. He remembered that I sat beside him during the company christmas party. He remembered what we ate on our first night out (it was chicken lollipop and gambas at Jack's Loft). He remembered the last movie we watched. He's also very caring. He makes sure that I get home safe, don't skip meals, have enough rest and drink medicine when I'm sick. I can say he definitely knows how to love, anyone who knows him can attest to that. He just doesn't know how to express it in words. He keeps telling me how he admires people who can easily express their feelings in words. Expressing his feelings and thoughts is just not his thing he says. And it's true.
Somehow, I have accepted the reality of life. That people will really come and go as God willed them to. It happens to the best of us. It's something we just have to live with. If God puts you to it, He will help you through it. I never regret any decisions I have made in the past regarding him. I am glad I decided to give it a little more time. Before, I really cannot defend myself on why I could never leave him when I've got all the reason to do so. Now, I think I know why. Everything does happen for a reason and it turned out that my reason was it was all the time I have to be with him and I better make the most of it. And I did make the most of it. At least I had the chance to show him and let him know everything there was to know, for I never held anything back. I am sure I will not wonder "what if" and ask myself "if only", coz I think I've done everything I want to do. I know I should be happy that we've created a lot of memories worth treasuring for the rest of my life. Even if the time we spent together was short, what we've shared at that minute of time was enough for it to last a lifetime. I'll remember him on my each and every waking day. As what was mentioned on the movie we watched, love doesn't end in death. For as long as you have love in your heart, nothing, even death, can put a stop to it. It could even go on forever. It's not going to be easy, and I know I still have a long way to go before I could get over this. All I have to learn is to trust God in his plans. God is yet to make me understand why things had to be this way. One thing's for sure though, that I'll forever be thankful for letting him come into my life.
Bubu, thank you for letting me be a part of your life. For that, my life is forever changed. Thank you for all the love and happiness you made me feel and for all the good memories we have shared. It was all worthwhile. I'll forever do a flashback of all the wonderful things you have done and you'll forever have that special place in our hearts. This is not goodbye for it's never goodbye.. it's only see you later. Just like when you were still here, now you can text me the words: "I'm finally home...".
Aiai terribly misses you and loves you much...
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