Just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on HBO. It gave me a headache, but I can say that it was well worth it. It's a good movie because it makes you realize how precious memories are and how erasing it will only make matters worse. I mean, it's worse enough that you no longer have the person... what's worse than erasing whatever you have left of him/her. Before, I honestly wished I could have selective amnesia so that I can erase certain memories off my mind. But then, I wouldn't be what I am today without them (I know it sounds clicheic). So from then on, I learned how to cherish memories, both good and bad... only now, I concentrate more on the good ones.
Anyway, for the first time in a long time (I know it doesn't sound right), I dreamt of him! Although it was really reeeeaaaalllyyy short, I don't care (I just took a nap anyway so it's supposed to be short). I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car, and he was driving. The car seat is white. I was complaining, telling him he doesn't hold my hand while he's driving anymore. And he said his hand is on the clutch. After changing gears, he reached for my hand and held it... placed it on his lap. Just like before. At last, after all those sleep I've been doing, I got to see him and be with him in my dreams. That is why I keep sleeping whenever I get the chance... to be with him even for just a moment.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Thank God It's Saturday
Anyway, I went out with my college friends last night because it was Ana's birthday. I honestly did not think the plan to meet up would push through. We were all supposed to meet up at six in the evening. I was waiting for a text from whoever gets there first just to know if it will indeed push through. At quarter till 7, Ana texted me asking where I am. That was the only time I moved my feet to get ready to go.
We ate at Outback Restaurant at Glorietta. It was my first time to eat there. When I saw the menu, I remembered why I never ate there. The prices are ridiculous. Their 9-ounce steak is worth P895 a meal! I know the serving is generous and the food is not bad at all. But P895? That's almost enough to pay for my monthly internet subscription! And it's not even the most expensive meal on the menu, I saw one which is worth almost 2 grand I think. WOW! Only Ana can spend that much to treat us to a fine dinner. (And I forgot to ask if I can have the receipt so I can have it recorded for points for my Ayala Discount Plus.) Heheheh.
So after that, we were supposed to go to Capone's so that I can still be with them since my office is only a couple of blocks away from there (I've work on Saturday night. It sucks, I know). But unfortunately, that little bar is too crowded. It's sooo overcrowded that people are actually spilling out on the sidewalk. So I was faced with a tough decision. I was torn between going to work on time or show up late... or don't show up at all. Showing up late got the best of me so we decided to go to Greenhills.
We hanged out at Oyster Boy, met my friend's boyfriend and had a few drinks. After I finished a bottle, I started missing Bubu again because three of my friends are with their special someones. The last time we all got together like this, we were all at the UP Fair and I was with Bubu. God, I miss him... I'd give anything just to have him back (and I can almost hear someone say "here we go again". Hahaha.) Spare me a few lines of nostalgia, okay?!
So moving on, after finishing my second bottle, we left at quarter till two. They dropped me off at the office and I was officially three hours and three minutes late. I almost wished I went home instead, but somehow I mustered enough strength to work. I was even more productive than I was the day before. No fuss! It's not everyday that Ana turns 22, right? Thanks Ans, sorry I had to be the party pooper! Advanced happy birthday!! :)
We ate at Outback Restaurant at Glorietta. It was my first time to eat there. When I saw the menu, I remembered why I never ate there. The prices are ridiculous. Their 9-ounce steak is worth P895 a meal! I know the serving is generous and the food is not bad at all. But P895? That's almost enough to pay for my monthly internet subscription! And it's not even the most expensive meal on the menu, I saw one which is worth almost 2 grand I think. WOW! Only Ana can spend that much to treat us to a fine dinner. (And I forgot to ask if I can have the receipt so I can have it recorded for points for my Ayala Discount Plus.) Heheheh.
So after that, we were supposed to go to Capone's so that I can still be with them since my office is only a couple of blocks away from there (I've work on Saturday night. It sucks, I know). But unfortunately, that little bar is too crowded. It's sooo overcrowded that people are actually spilling out on the sidewalk. So I was faced with a tough decision. I was torn between going to work on time or show up late... or don't show up at all. Showing up late got the best of me so we decided to go to Greenhills.
We hanged out at Oyster Boy, met my friend's boyfriend and had a few drinks. After I finished a bottle, I started missing Bubu again because three of my friends are with their special someones. The last time we all got together like this, we were all at the UP Fair and I was with Bubu. God, I miss him... I'd give anything just to have him back (and I can almost hear someone say "here we go again". Hahaha.) Spare me a few lines of nostalgia, okay?!
So moving on, after finishing my second bottle, we left at quarter till two. They dropped me off at the office and I was officially three hours and three minutes late. I almost wished I went home instead, but somehow I mustered enough strength to work. I was even more productive than I was the day before. No fuss! It's not everyday that Ana turns 22, right? Thanks Ans, sorry I had to be the party pooper! Advanced happy birthday!! :)
Long Overdue Revamp
I'm planning to change the layout of my blog. I just got bored with my first-ever-shot-at-designing-my-blog-that's-why-it-looked-so-lame layout. Therapy you may call it. Although I still kept the old template, you know, sentimental value. I just do not know when I will have the time and effort to create a new and improved layout. Stay tuned. ;)
Saturday, September 10, 2005
just like family
Last Thursday, September 8th was Bujing's 40th day. A mass was celebrated at ate Danette's house and dinner came after. I was both excited and nervous on going because it's the first time I'll meet his family and relatives with my identity already known. Although I was already acquainted with most of them through the pictures he had shown and stories he had told before, I never really got the chance to meet them when he was still here.
Before we got there, I felt a bit uneasy because I do not know what to expect or how I should act. For days, I was actually trying to anticipate what might happen but I really do not have a clue. But when we got there, all those negative feelings went away. Somehow, I almost felt like he was just there. It was almost as if, all feelings of misery was replaced with bliss. Coz I know I was around the people whom Bujing loved the most and I was blessed to be one of them.
I was the only one among my colleagues who's on leave, and I couldn't decide right away if I would stay alone or leave with them. But they know I wanted to stay (coz they know how much I love talking about him [Jeff can attest to that] and they know how much it would help) so I made up my mind to stay when ate Danette asked me to. And I'm glad I did stay. I was a little shy coz I know I'm practically a stranger to them. But a stranger I never felt I was when I was with his family. They were very warm and accommodating, I instantly felt I was just like family. I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions. Happy that I finally got to meet them and sad that I was not able to share such a wonderful moment with him. His whole family was great and I readily understood why he loved them so much. They were such pleasant people and I really had a great time with them. Being with them somehow filled an empty space in my heart. So, if anyone who was there gets to read this, thank you sooo much for making me feel welcome. It was really nice to meet all of you for the first time, and I sure hope it's not the last. :)
Before we got there, I felt a bit uneasy because I do not know what to expect or how I should act. For days, I was actually trying to anticipate what might happen but I really do not have a clue. But when we got there, all those negative feelings went away. Somehow, I almost felt like he was just there. It was almost as if, all feelings of misery was replaced with bliss. Coz I know I was around the people whom Bujing loved the most and I was blessed to be one of them.
I was the only one among my colleagues who's on leave, and I couldn't decide right away if I would stay alone or leave with them. But they know I wanted to stay (coz they know how much I love talking about him [Jeff can attest to that] and they know how much it would help) so I made up my mind to stay when ate Danette asked me to. And I'm glad I did stay. I was a little shy coz I know I'm practically a stranger to them. But a stranger I never felt I was when I was with his family. They were very warm and accommodating, I instantly felt I was just like family. I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions. Happy that I finally got to meet them and sad that I was not able to share such a wonderful moment with him. His whole family was great and I readily understood why he loved them so much. They were such pleasant people and I really had a great time with them. Being with them somehow filled an empty space in my heart. So, if anyone who was there gets to read this, thank you sooo much for making me feel welcome. It was really nice to meet all of you for the first time, and I sure hope it's not the last. :)
Thursday, September 01, 2005
the month of july
I know this post may seem long overdue because it’s been a month since July happened. But, whaddya know… I won an eRep Excellence Award for July! (Which I only learned recently so don’t blame me) Hurray for me! Oh and yah for Ron too, who bagged the Super Sup Award! Yey! (Hmm.. so where’s my buffet breakfast, Ron? Just kidding! uhm, okay, half-kidding! hahaha!)
July was a month where all things good and bad happened. It was the only month that I felt extreme emotions (both happy and sad). It did not start well at all because I was a wreck on the first week. I went through what others might call an emotional breakdown. I was so down that I had to spend a week out of town just to redeem myself. It did me good. I was able to think about stuff, clear my mind of clutter, spend quality time with my mom, relax, unwind, and of course, shop. Then when I got back, the last two weeks of the month was the best two weeks of my life. My emotions took a sudden turn for the better. I was happy, inspired, full of life… and love. I remember one of my friends at work even jokingly told me “Baka mamatay ka nyan bukas sa sobrang saya mo”. And then on the last day of the month, I didn’t die but the happiness was truly taken away.
I’m still not over it yet, I’m sorry. I still cry almost everyday when I remember. I don’t know what stage of grief I am in now but I’ll take my time. My body is not responding well to the drastic changes in my life. I’m not as resilient to change as I thought I was. I can’t eat right. When I’m at work, I’ll get really hungry but as soon as I see food, I won’t feel like eating anymore. My sleeping pattern is abnormal. No matter how late I stay up, I still wake up early. My mood swing is getting on a new level. I’m all hyper and jolly one day and then all clammed up and anti-social the next day. Sometimes, I feel like time stood still. Sometimes, I even lose the will to live… (I said sometimes, don’t worry, I won’t do anything stupid).
The only thing, which I’m always thankful for and that keeps me going, is the people around me. Like what I said before, they are the source of my strength. I was even touched to know how some people would share words of encouragement even though they do not know me personally. Even though I was not able to meet them when Bubu was still around, I’m glad I still got a chance to know some of the wonderful people in his life. Somehow, it makes me feel like he’s still here. It’s true, love really does not end in death. It lives on and never leaves.
July was a month where all things good and bad happened. It was the only month that I felt extreme emotions (both happy and sad). It did not start well at all because I was a wreck on the first week. I went through what others might call an emotional breakdown. I was so down that I had to spend a week out of town just to redeem myself. It did me good. I was able to think about stuff, clear my mind of clutter, spend quality time with my mom, relax, unwind, and of course, shop. Then when I got back, the last two weeks of the month was the best two weeks of my life. My emotions took a sudden turn for the better. I was happy, inspired, full of life… and love. I remember one of my friends at work even jokingly told me “Baka mamatay ka nyan bukas sa sobrang saya mo”. And then on the last day of the month, I didn’t die but the happiness was truly taken away.
I’m still not over it yet, I’m sorry. I still cry almost everyday when I remember. I don’t know what stage of grief I am in now but I’ll take my time. My body is not responding well to the drastic changes in my life. I’m not as resilient to change as I thought I was. I can’t eat right. When I’m at work, I’ll get really hungry but as soon as I see food, I won’t feel like eating anymore. My sleeping pattern is abnormal. No matter how late I stay up, I still wake up early. My mood swing is getting on a new level. I’m all hyper and jolly one day and then all clammed up and anti-social the next day. Sometimes, I feel like time stood still. Sometimes, I even lose the will to live… (I said sometimes, don’t worry, I won’t do anything stupid).
The only thing, which I’m always thankful for and that keeps me going, is the people around me. Like what I said before, they are the source of my strength. I was even touched to know how some people would share words of encouragement even though they do not know me personally. Even though I was not able to meet them when Bubu was still around, I’m glad I still got a chance to know some of the wonderful people in his life. Somehow, it makes me feel like he’s still here. It’s true, love really does not end in death. It lives on and never leaves.
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