OG Blog

i missed you blogspot! You will always be my OG.  I just wished Google develop you further, like Wordpress. Right now, it sucks that you don't even have an app.

Heavy Heart

I have been posting on my Tumblr too much and it has gained some following so I figured I should post here the things that may not be too comfortable to share but just want to get it out there (for sanity's sake).

Almost two months after, I feel like I am back to where I started. This moving on thing is really not working well with me. When I think I'm making progress, one day I just suddenly find myself back to square one.

Physically, I am feeling every pain in my heart; my heart feels heavy, I'm having a hard time breathing, I feel like I have a lump in my throat and tears are starting to fall.

Mentally, I cannot focus on anything I do, no matter how hard I try. I end up thinking about it and tearing up out of the blue. Trying to find reason for things that happened and truths I cannot seem to accept.

Emotionally, still trying to stay strong when I face family and friends, but when I am alone and there is no need to pretend, I feel sad, lonely, empty and dejected.

Spiritually, I beg Him everyday to take my broken heart, make it whole and free from pain. I find myself questioning Him why I deserve to go through all this. Still trying, albeit occasionally failing, to trust Him that he will make all things beautiful. I continuously pray for strength to get through all this, though most times, I just feel like giving up.

This is harder than I thought. Everyday, I sometimes find myself giving up with life. It takes so much effort to convince myself that life is still worth living. I suddenly understand why some people give up. It's just so much easier. I'm afraid that someday, I may no longer have the strength to pull through. I know I still have to be strong for my family but everyday is just a struggle. I can only hope someday I make it through.

It's All About You... Again

You made this all about you again, as usual... Every time, it's all about the "i", not much about the "we", how much more the "you". 

We argued about something I found out about, again. Instead of me feeling guilty about snooping, it just ended up encouraging me to look for more, expect for more. It's not exactly the best thing to waste time and energy on, but I end up doing it 24 by 7. I get suspicious about every little thing and I honestly don't think relationships are supposed to be like that. It just feels so heavy and dark. It's not supposed to be this hard. It's not supposed to drain you out mentally, physically and emotionally. I honestly got nothing left for me. Nothing to support myself with. Nothing.

And you think with what happened, the best thing to do is to walk away. You did something wrong, and you said sorry and walked away like a guilty dog. You said you just need to be alone. You don't think you deserve me anymore. You are going crazy. You can't sleep. You need time to think. You need to miss me. You, you, YOU. It's just all about you, isn't it? You're right, you are selfish and you just keep proving that to yourself. Please don't tell me you're giving me the time I need, because to be honest, you only thought about that when you realized your sudden need to be alone. So you're not really giving me what I need, you're just really doing what you want to do for yourself.

I can't keep doing this anymore. I got nothing more to give. Let's just admit the fact that this thing just doesn't work for us. It never did and never will. Let's just stop forcing it, do ourselves a favor and move on. Let's stop saying things we don't really mean. Let's stop lying to each other's faces. Let's stop hiding things from each other. Let's stop being convenient. Let's just... STOP.

Almost Rock Bottom

I am close to hitting rock bottom... again. I know I can clearly say it's not the worst moment in my life since there was still this point when I was totally consumed with darkness, this does come a close second. I have come to a point wherein I feel helplessly hopeless. I just ceased to care about anything in the world. Like a dead fish going with the flow... downstream... on to a filthy water in a clogged canal. So how bad is it really? It started with me losing my job and becoming a bum for more than half a year. The longest I have ever been without a job. At first there was a reason to it (severance pay), then we got scammed into getting just half of what it was supposed to be. That somehow made me even more bitter than I already was. Then last week, I had an epiphany that I'm a quitter. That realization got me so bad that for the first time in months, I cried my eyes out. I really am one and the sad fact is I can even make a list of things I couldn't finish or follow through. The dust hasn't settled on that one yet another issue came about. As it turns out, I flirt uncontrollably and inappropriately. All along I thought it was just a harmless banter but apparently it isn't. As crazy as it sounds, I honestly didn't know it affected him. In my mind, it was just a joke. I feel terrible that he no longer trusts me, but somehow I'm relieved to know he gets affected. All along I thought he just doesn't care. With all these in mind, I now have this urge to be alone and shut down altogether. I got nothing, have no one and am going nowhere fast. I honestly tend to push people away when I get to this point. Not because I hate them or anything. On the contrary, I do it because I don't want them to get affected by whatever I do. I don't want to burden them, pull them down or even discourage them in any way. I don't want them to get hurt with all the destructive shitty things I might say or do. I don't want to have their optimism and serenity get sucked into my emotional black hole. I just don't think it's healthy for me to be with anyone at this point (and vice versa). I need to be able to figure things out on my own, to decide on how I can resolve things in my own pace, in my own way, without having to worry about others. How long will this take? No one can tell. But what I can say for sure is that I'll get myself out of this rut eventually and that will be the start of the best days of my life.

That Time of the Month

Once in every month in my life, I always get this roller coaster of emotions (blame it on hormones). No matter what I do, there's just no way I can control them. So I just let it get to me and I just enjoy the freakin' ride. So how random are these emotions? Here are some of the stuff I think about when this does happen: Last night, I watched a trending video of two people who used to be a couple. So one was saying sorry because when he broke up with her, she just agreed because she got tired. While the other one was saying sorry because he knew he gave her all the reason to be tired. They were together for six years. I didn't really think about it until earlier today. It does get to that point. Like right now, I suddenly felt "tired". What a time to be one when he's not feeling well. And my thought goes like; he can take care of himself, he's a grown man! I guess my point is I just don't want him to be dependent on someone to care for him (is that mean?). I felt sick last week and I was able to take care of myself. Kinda selfish, but aren't we all? So in line with this thinking about how selfish I am. I just realized that bringing a life into the world won't really be a good idea for someone as selfish as I am. I thought about this because I recently consulted an OB-Gyn and requested for a fertility work up. Then, right now I was thinking maybe I shouldn't go through with it anymore. My thoughts were that maybe I am not meant to have kids because I'm too selfish. So now I'm deciding not to push through with the work up (not to mention that I'm scared of taking this one procedure that was said to be painful really painful) . Maybe it's not in God's plan or maybe the circumstances are not right. Maybe I'm planning it with the wrong person or the timing is off. I honestly do not know but I'll just let it go and let God. Is it so weird for someone to want to go out alone? I just asked if I can and I immediately got accused that I'm out to date someone. Is it unbelievable that I'm so fun to be with that I don't even need anyone to have fun? LOL. People-watching is my thing. It's honestly even better than Netflix at times that I can do it for hours and not get bored. That's how far I got with the roller coaster. Right now I'm listening to Broken Heart playlist on Spotify. My hormones feed on drama I suppose. That's what makes my life existing. All on its own.

Being So Not for You

I haven't really gotten the chance to thank you. I have been in your exact same situation before and I can't really blame you for what you feel. The only difference though is that he chose me instead of her. Now, he still made the same choice, me instead of you. You have no idea how it boosted my self-confidence, that no matter what I do, he will still choose me over you (or anyone else).

I have you to thank, for letting him realize that he cannot find anyone else like me, that no one else comes close, that it has always been me all along. I cannot imagine how devastating it must have felt, that despite everything, nobody chose you. Not even your ex (who, by the way, wanted to be my bf too. Unbelievable, right?). Everything happens for a reason, I just hope you learned your lesson. So next time someone gives you a warning, please listen. 😜

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