Prelude to Ron's Birthday a.k.a. Team-Building chuva

To change the mood of this sorry blog... why don't we move on to happier thoughts. Last Saturday night, Team Morales decided to spend the night partying at Toot's Manor. Quite timely for me, since I needed a boost of endorphins. That chemical that's responsible for the emotion of happiness. Also, I suggested that we drink 'Chocolate Mudshaker', since chocololate contains phenylethylamine and anandamide. Phenylethylamine works with dopamine in the brain to produce a mild antidepressant effect and anandamide alters brain chemistry to produce feelings of well being and calm. So, scientifically speaking, that night of partying is beneficial for my health. I know, I researched on it. Hahaha.

It was fun really. We started at around 8pm and ended at almost 5am (it was just like doing 9 hours of work). There were no KJ's around so we all had a good time (I know I did). We had a little singing contest. Ron sponsored the prize money and we all tried to vie for the highest score. At the end of the night, Cherry was the one who went home with a fat wallet. I guess its customary for us to leave something broken at Toot's house, the most recent casualty was his 'antique' dining chair c/o Mr. Bactad. Pol and I also managed to loosen some screws on his door. So, many thanks to Mr. Anthony Hernandez for letting us trash his place once again. Here are some snapshots of the event:



We obviously looked starved... and thirsty!



Find Anton on this picture.



Jeefer sings while Brij contemplates on his performance.



Hmmm.. TOUGH competitor.



Here's the man of the house singing while watching over his son who's going down the stairs.



The sup on his usual self.



Pol.. with fan.



The side of Jim that not everybody gets to see (or hear for that matter).



My happy moment. Blame it all on the glassful of chocolate mudshaker on my hand.



Here's the endorphin-producing chocolate mudshaker I've been raving about!!!



Preluders(?!)



Before Sunrise...

and that's just a prelude...

white flag

Note: If you are in any way allergic to too much drama and mush that your stomach couldn't take it, I suggest that you close this window immediately before you get any allergic reactions...

Friday was the last time I saw him. He looked so giddy and so happy that nothing seemed to dampen his spirits. I never saw that look on his face before and somehow, it hurt me that I did not have that kind of effect on him. I did not have the heart to approach him and let my presence be known. Seeing him that happy was enough. It was clearer to me than any words could say. I saw exactly what I needed to see. The battle is over. The white flag is raised.

Then, I remember the night we had the most sensible conversation ever. I remember his words clearly. Why would he choose me and why should he not choose the one that came before me? I know it took a while, but it is just now that I realized the true meaning of what he was saying. Suddenly, everything made sense to me. It was like a slap on the face matched with a splash of ice cold water. It was time to snap back to reality and accept the fact that I can never be her.

My phone has been silent ever since that day. I was half-hoping that he would at least text me. But I guess, he knows its for the best. I hoped he at least missed me or thought about me for one second. But it's almost impossible if you're missing someone else. And I know the bitter fact that I can't compete. I know when I'm no longer needed or even wanted. He did not have to say it, he can't deny it anymore coz I saw it in his eyes. The signs are clear, I'm not what he wanted contrary to what I believed and I know that I have to step back. I have to swallow again the bitter pill I have so gotten used to tasting. I can't pretend that nothing's bothering me or nothing's wrong anymore. Whatever you do, you can never make someone love you. It just does not coincide with the natural order of things.

I cried my eyes out that fateful night. I really did not mean to, but my emotions got the best of me. My pillow was soaking wet with tears and my eyes are all puffy and red. I cried it all out until my eyes ran dry. I cried all the pain away until the hurt subsides. I drowned every pain with every tear that I cried. I cried until I'm tired of crying. I just wanted to forget. I am tired of it all. I'm tired of being in the same situation all over again. I'm tired of thinking and worrying. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of loving and make believing that I am loved. It's time to let it all go. I'm all cried out. And quoting from Pablo Neruda's famous poem 'Tonight I Can Write': Though this be the last pain that he makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for him...

tagged by vianney :)

Things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play. What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Make a list, post it to your journal... and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it to theirs.

1. read books
2. listen to music
3. blog a.k.a. rant
4. play PC games (NFSU2 or Sims or GTA)
5. walk briskly
6. sleep
7. think of nonsense
8. shop
9. sing out of tune
10. watch tv

how utterly boring can I get? hehehe...

In Memoriam

It has been more than a week since my grandfather (mom's dad) peacefully joined our Creator. I can't really say that we have all gotten used to his absence yet. He is still very much alive in our hearts and minds (I guess he will always be). His death sort of still came as a shock to all of us. He was supposed to be released from the hospital and my mom and her sister were already preparing all the medical stuff he will need at home. But then one afternoon, he just stopped breathing.. and that's it. At 88 years of age, he decided to finally go back to where he truly belonged.

He was a good grandfather. Very loving and caring. A typical grandfather. He loved his children and his grandchildren and his great grandchildren so much and he never hesitated to show it. All of us felt how much he loved us. We all had our moments with him. On my part, the peak of it was when he was still in America. We used to write letters to each other when I was younger and he always sends us all sorts of stuff. I can still remember how excited my sister was when she finally received her dream gadget, a gameboy. I think if I have the option to choose a grandfather, I'd gladly choose him again.

I guess we should really be rejoicing now instead of greaving because we all know where he's going. At least, all his pains have gone away and all that is left is happiness. To my lolo, I am forever grateful for all the wonderful things that you have done for us. I can say that you will be terribly missed but at least, we've got a lot of good memories that we will surely cherish for the rest of our lives. I hope we meet again.. someday.. I sure hope we do..