white flag

Note: If you are in any way allergic to too much drama and mush that your stomach couldn't take it, I suggest that you close this window immediately before you get any allergic reactions...

Friday was the last time I saw him. He looked so giddy and so happy that nothing seemed to dampen his spirits. I never saw that look on his face before and somehow, it hurt me that I did not have that kind of effect on him. I did not have the heart to approach him and let my presence be known. Seeing him that happy was enough. It was clearer to me than any words could say. I saw exactly what I needed to see. The battle is over. The white flag is raised.

Then, I remember the night we had the most sensible conversation ever. I remember his words clearly. Why would he choose me and why should he not choose the one that came before me? I know it took a while, but it is just now that I realized the true meaning of what he was saying. Suddenly, everything made sense to me. It was like a slap on the face matched with a splash of ice cold water. It was time to snap back to reality and accept the fact that I can never be her.

My phone has been silent ever since that day. I was half-hoping that he would at least text me. But I guess, he knows its for the best. I hoped he at least missed me or thought about me for one second. But it's almost impossible if you're missing someone else. And I know the bitter fact that I can't compete. I know when I'm no longer needed or even wanted. He did not have to say it, he can't deny it anymore coz I saw it in his eyes. The signs are clear, I'm not what he wanted contrary to what I believed and I know that I have to step back. I have to swallow again the bitter pill I have so gotten used to tasting. I can't pretend that nothing's bothering me or nothing's wrong anymore. Whatever you do, you can never make someone love you. It just does not coincide with the natural order of things.

I cried my eyes out that fateful night. I really did not mean to, but my emotions got the best of me. My pillow was soaking wet with tears and my eyes are all puffy and red. I cried it all out until my eyes ran dry. I cried all the pain away until the hurt subsides. I drowned every pain with every tear that I cried. I cried until I'm tired of crying. I just wanted to forget. I am tired of it all. I'm tired of being in the same situation all over again. I'm tired of thinking and worrying. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of loving and make believing that I am loved. It's time to let it all go. I'm all cried out. And quoting from Pablo Neruda's famous poem 'Tonight I Can Write': Though this be the last pain that he makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for him...