It's All About You... Again

You made this all about you again, as usual... Every time, it's all about the "i", not much about the "we", how much more the "you". 

We argued about something I found out about, again. Instead of me feeling guilty about snooping, it just ended up encouraging me to look for more, expect for more. It's not exactly the best thing to waste time and energy on, but I end up doing it 24 by 7. I get suspicious about every little thing and I honestly don't think relationships are supposed to be like that. It just feels so heavy and dark. It's not supposed to be this hard. It's not supposed to drain you out mentally, physically and emotionally. I honestly got nothing left for me. Nothing to support myself with. Nothing.

And you think with what happened, the best thing to do is to walk away. You did something wrong, and you said sorry and walked away like a guilty dog. You said you just need to be alone. You don't think you deserve me anymore. You are going crazy. You can't sleep. You need time to think. You need to miss me. You, you, YOU. It's just all about you, isn't it? You're right, you are selfish and you just keep proving that to yourself. Please don't tell me you're giving me the time I need, because to be honest, you only thought about that when you realized your sudden need to be alone. So you're not really giving me what I need, you're just really doing what you want to do for yourself.

I can't keep doing this anymore. I got nothing more to give. Let's just admit the fact that this thing just doesn't work for us. It never did and never will. Let's just stop forcing it, do ourselves a favor and move on. Let's stop saying things we don't really mean. Let's stop lying to each other's faces. Let's stop hiding things from each other. Let's stop being convenient. Let's just... STOP.

Almost Rock Bottom

I am close to hitting rock bottom... again. I know I can clearly say it's not the worst moment in my life since there was still this point when I was totally consumed with darkness, this does come a close second. I have come to a point wherein I feel helplessly hopeless. I just ceased to care about anything in the world. Like a dead fish going with the flow... downstream... on to a filthy water in a clogged canal. So how bad is it really? It started with me losing my job and becoming a bum for more than half a year. The longest I have ever been without a job. At first there was a reason to it (severance pay), then we got scammed into getting just half of what it was supposed to be. That somehow made me even more bitter than I already was. Then last week, I had an epiphany that I'm a quitter. That realization got me so bad that for the first time in months, I cried my eyes out. I really am one and the sad fact is I can even make a list of things I couldn't finish or follow through. The dust hasn't settled on that one yet another issue came about. As it turns out, I flirt uncontrollably and inappropriately. All along I thought it was just a harmless banter but apparently it isn't. As crazy as it sounds, I honestly didn't know it affected him. In my mind, it was just a joke. I feel terrible that he no longer trusts me, but somehow I'm relieved to know he gets affected. All along I thought he just doesn't care. With all these in mind, I now have this urge to be alone and shut down altogether. I got nothing, have no one and am going nowhere fast. I honestly tend to push people away when I get to this point. Not because I hate them or anything. On the contrary, I do it because I don't want them to get affected by whatever I do. I don't want to burden them, pull them down or even discourage them in any way. I don't want them to get hurt with all the destructive shitty things I might say or do. I don't want to have their optimism and serenity get sucked into my emotional black hole. I just don't think it's healthy for me to be with anyone at this point (and vice versa). I need to be able to figure things out on my own, to decide on how I can resolve things in my own pace, in my own way, without having to worry about others. How long will this take? No one can tell. But what I can say for sure is that I'll get myself out of this rut eventually and that will be the start of the best days of my life.