i hope this thing is true.. heheh

I did an inkblot test online at http://web.tickle.com, which supposedly will reveal my subconscious mind.. this is the result i got:

"Aileen, your subconscious mind is driven most by Kindness

This means you have a deep desire to be kind and fair to others. You may even be preoccupied with finding kindness in the world around you, far more than you realize on a conscious level.

It is possible that the underlying reason you seek kindness in the world around you, is that you fear cruelty, the opposite of kindness. That could drive you to unconsciously project kindness wherever possible into your world. Regardless of its origin, your steadfast adherence to being kind to others is felt by people you are close to.

You are probably more susceptible than others to being overwhelmed by emotions — both yours and others'. It is possible that your unusually empathic nature is a result of your natural sensitivity to others' pain, and your desire to help them avoid it. For this reason, things might affect you more than they affect your friends and family. To protect yourself from too much emotional intensity, you might want to keep an eye out so you can recognize it when it starts. That will allow you to slow things down until you feel grounded again.

Overall, your strong orientation towards kindness gives you an optimistic nature, which translates into you seeing the best in the people around you. Because you're not one to be overly judgmental, others may seek out your company when they need a friend to talk to. People close to you likely know that you care deeply about the inner lives of others and can listen to what they have to say without imposing your views on them.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Kindness, there is much more to who you are at your core."

another year older

Time flies by so fast, before I know it, I'm 22. A little bit older, but not a bit wiser.. something must be seriously wrong with me. Another year has passed, and what a year it was for me. I got myself into all sorts of troubles, but somehow I managed to get through (with a little help from my friends). I got through it all, although I got badly bruised and severely wounded. Heck, I may not be a tad wiser, but I sure got a lot stronger. I'm still recuperating, but I'm sure I'll be fine.

Great damage has been done by a person who tried to pull me down (and is still trying to pull me down as of press time). I must have irked the person too much for that person to do something so desperate and foolish. You won't believe how immature adult people can get when they're desperate. I honestly did not intend to irk the person. It wasn't mainly my fault. Whoever said Ignorance is bliss must have not came across with the kind of people I have met. For them, ignorance is something to take advantage of. To the point that it makes you think that ignorance should be equated with stupidity. Maybe I did get a little wiser, because if I wasn't any wiser, I would join in on the childish games that these people are playing. I just wish they take pleasure on what they are doing, for at least they get something out of it. Besides, it isn't the first time that I've let people be happy on my account. What goes around, comes around anyway.

The year that went by made me wish I could turn back time, but then I thought, I wouldn't have met the people who would help me be stronger and make me realize my worth. I wouldn't have met the people who would stand by me no matter what happens. I'd missed out on some of the best things life could offer. Yes, most part of the year was hell for me, but I've also found heaven on some parts of it that is worth going through hell for.

I'll live.. no matter how much people pull me down, I'll always find a way to pull myself up (again, with a little help from my friends AND family). I just want to thank them from the bottom of my heart for giving me the strength and the will to keep living. If it weren't for them, I'd be lost. Most especially I thank the person who works through them, that's none other than God. Now that's a birthday speech!

first time to be on the beach!

Yes, it's my first time to see sand beside the shore and actually get to walk on it and feel it between my toes! Last Friday, I joined my officemates on a getaway to Puerto Galera! I have to admit that an overnighter is not enough to really have fun on the beach. I didn't even get enough time to shop for souvenirs, pasalubong and stuff. Even without any sleep, I rushed to the beach and took a swim (not minding the stings of the invisible jellyfishes). In just a few hours, I got burnt to a toast. But sooner or later, my lack of sleep caught up with me and I had to dose off (and miss the sunset) so I can recharge for an all-nighter drinking/bonding session.

We hopped from one bar to another, drinking a pitcher of Mindoro Sling on every stop. Surprisingly, the concoction did not take effect at all. It was just like drinking pomelo juice on the beach. Sometimes, a drizzle would threaten to kill the fun, but I think no amount of drizzle could make us hide back to our room. When the night went on, we huddled for the cheapest bottle of Tequila, and the best price we got was P1,600 for a liter, including local lemon a.k.a calamansi, salt and a shotglass. Not bad at all. We gulped down the shots and when a few of us were sprinkled with sleeping dust, we head on to the beach to make 'tambay' and take some 'drunken' pics.

The next morning, I was the last one to wake up.. because I was the one with the least sleep. Anyway, we thought our morning was ruined because it was raining. But God gave us a sign that everything will be alright again.. a rainbow showed up! So, we went snorkeling, and man! It was like straight out of Discovery channel or something. I felt like I was on a big aquarium! I even saw a blue starfish (c/o Abby). Bad thing was I had to get some air after taking a glimpse of the underworld (?!?!) because I was without a snorkel.. (So you can say I wasn't snorkeling after all). Well, I just didn't like the idea of renting one because I don't know whose mouth it has been in (it would feel like I borrowed a toothbrush from a stranger). So, after that we ate lunch and took turns taking a bath and finally prepared to go home.

On the ferry, I was so darn sleepy that I slept right through the dolphins. I didn't even see a single fin. :( Oh well, one thing I learned... never go to Galera sleepless! Coz it's the ultimate party-pooper... Oh well, I'm pretty sure I haven't seen the last of Galera..

for whoever i'm thinking about...

When I'm Thinking About You
The Sundays

Over the rooftops a plane in the sky
Beat of a bass drum cars passing me by
Under a bridge dark then back into light
A river of raincoats and a forest of faces
Still for a moment then red into green
Slow shuffling shoes whisper sight unseen
Row upon row of houses return an empty stare
Letting the daydream for a little while longer

Ah.. yeah...
Hope I'll never wake
When I'm thinking about you
(yeah) hope I'll never wake
Coz now Im thinking about you

Two-minute hailstorm then melts into rain
(oh) sing me a rainbow its sunny again
Swallows overhead while the traffic snarls below
Could I (could I) keep dreaming for a little while longer

Hope I'll never wake
When I'm thinking about you
So that you know - I never want to wake
Coz now Im thinking about you

When you're searching your soul
When you're searching for pleasure
How often, pain is all you find
But when you're coasting along and nobodys trying too hard
You can turn around and like where you are

(yeah and) I hope I never wake
When I'm thinking about you
And I close my eyes (dear)
Now I'll never never wake
Why should I stop thinking about you...

blog on friendster

Friendster now has a blog thing! Yey! At least, one more place to rant! Hahaha. However, I am faced with another problem... what to use as my domain name. This was the same problem I've had before I set this thing up. It took me a while before I decided naming this blog 'on the verge of insanity' (and I have to admit it's really not that catchy, but at least it captured a bit of my personality). Maybe you guys have suggestions on what I will name my blog. I don't want to use 'On the verge of insanity', to avoid confusion (as if!). I'm having difficulty choosing the right words. I wanted it to be unique and catchy and deep and true and sensical and ideal and.. well, I just want it to be perfect! To be sooo me. Like when you hear it, I'll be the first thing on your mind. Can you guys think of the best word to describe me? Maybe you know me better than I do... When you see me, what's the first thing that comes into your mind? Comment!

getting by...

For some twisted reason, I think I'm getting by quite well... maybe because I've been thru a lot of things now and this seems to me like just a small stubble on my finger. And maybe because the people around me have been very supportive, I feel like I will never be alone. That's what makes life all good... only bad thing about life is the one who's living it.. hahaha.

Anyway, we now have a seat plan in the office. So that's one freedom they took from us, to sit wherever we like. It's alright I think, but I just don't see the point of making one when everyone gets to have their own station anyway, regardless of where they sit. Well, there's really nothing we can do but abide by the rules. So the only thing I can do is follow and then rant about it.. thankful that I still have that freedom (to rant). I'd die without it.

and this fateful night..

Okay.. I don't know why fate has been so unkind to me these past few days. Just when the relationship was over, we now see each other almost every day coincidentally. It's so ironic, it's not even funny. It could very much pass as a line on Alanis' song. Just when you gave up on the relationship, it started to look as if it could have worked out.

This time, what happened was when the elevator was going up... I had a funny feeling that I'll see him when I saw that the 29th floor was lit... and when it got to that floor, there he was! Luckily, he was going down and I was able to hide behind the person in front of me. If my heart was any weaker, I could really get a heart attack one of these days. I'll never look at an elevator the same way.

That Fateful morning...

I survived my first encounter with my recent ex this morning on my way home. I embarked the elevator with no knowledge of who I will be sharing it with. When I stepped in, my trainer was there coincidentally. He asked me why I'm not going to the 29th floor before I go home and went on and told him why. He was just in the middle of his sentence saying 'Ah, so wala ka na palang dinadaanan dyan ngayon' when the ex stepped in. Imagine my shock when I saw him. Ever since I worked at PS, I've never coincidentally shared an elevator with him. I silently prayed that he didn't hear anything. He acknowledged my presence by flashing a sheepish smile at me. Maybe he was just as shocked as I was. Because of that shock.. I wasn't able to think straight and the first thing I blurted out was... 'Break?' (Talk about words with double meaning!). He responded by saying he's on lunch and I guess to avoid awkward silence (because the situation in itself is awkward enough), he asked me why I'm going home just now.. and again, because of the shock, I couldn't even remember what I said in response. We left the elevator and we just said goodbye with our brows. That was how I survived my first encounter with my recent ex. Not quite what I wished to happen, but I guess it was bound to happen. I better get ready for fate's next strike...

Loves it

You’ll Be Safe Here
[ Rivermaya ]

Nobody knows
Just why we’re here
Could it be fate
Or random circumstance
At the right place
At the right time
Two roads intertwine

And if the universe conspired
To meld our lives
To make us
Fuel and fire
Then know
Where ever you will be
So too shall I be

Chorus:

Close your eyes
Dry your tears
‘Coz when nothing seems clear
You’ll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Weary heart
You’ll be safe here

Remember how we laughed
Until we cried
At the most stupid things
Like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong

And though the world would
Never understand
This unlikely union
And why it still stands
Someday we will be set free.
Pray and believe

Chorus:

When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here

Save your eyes
From your tears
When everything’s unclear
You’ll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart

When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here

When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here

In my arms
Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You’ll be safe here

When no one understands
I’ll believe
You’ll be safe,
You’ll be safe
You’ll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands
You’ll be safe here

"you're free..."

It's ironic, that this month of hearts.. I let go of the person closest to mine. It was my turn to give a seemingly lousy and invalid excuse. My turn to be the evil girlfriend who breaks up with an angelic boyfriend. (It used to be the other way around) I know it may sound really dumb that the reason for our break up is because we don't have time to be with each other. But it's true. Sounds dumb but its true. We hardly see each other nor talk to each other and the relationship is not stable enough to withstand such absence. I wanted the relationship to work out, but it's just too damn difficult. We can't seem to work it out. My feelings decreased as the time of not being together increased. It waned until I thought I was becoming unfair. And I can say I really was. My guilt consumed me.

All I said was we needed to talk. He didn't like talking, he never did. Even if we were fighting during a phone conversation, he will think of an excuse just to get off the phone. He hates confrontations. But hey, that's not an excuse. It's not like he never confronted me when he confessed his feelings to me, right? But no, the last thing I heard from him was a text message. I felt like I was Carrie Bradshaw, when Berger broke up with her through a Post-it(TM). That simple 'We need to talk', triggered a lot of emotions in him. What struck me the most was when he said 'I'll spare you the trouble, you're free'. It kept repeating inside my head long after I've finished reading it. As much as I want to see him and hold him one last time, he just won't let me. I tried convincing him to talk by all means of communication I know and I am almost ready to give up.

Don't get me wrong, I love the guy, but I just don't think things are working right between us anymore. I feel so bad about letting go of the only guy who has given me the best treatment a girl could ever have. I mean, who doesn't want that. But I don't think I deserve to be treated that way. He deserves somebody better. (I know it's clicheic, but he really does deserve better) I cannot give him the kind of love he deserves. I don't think I'm ready for love after all... It's crazy, I know. A self-confessed romantic who's not quite ready to love...

Perfect Day

My brother got wed last Monday at Lagos Del Sol at Caliraya. That wedding was first in many aspects of my life. That was the first time that I was ever a part of the entourage. That was the first time I've ever cried in a wedding. That was the first garden wedding I've been to. That was the first Christian wedding I've been to. That was the first wedding in my family.

The wedding was so much like a fairy tale wedding that every girl wishes. I felt like I was in a movie! The bride cried the moment she stood up on the aisle (I will too if I was her!). I don't know, everything just seemed perfect. The only thing I hate is the fact that the sun is only shining on the right half of my body. So all I got was a sunburnt right shoulder. So much for a tan!

Anyway, I'm going to be on the graveyard shift starting next week (Another first for me!). At least my rest days will fall on a weekend, so if there will be any family outings.. I won't miss it anymore! I'll be working from 6pm to 3am starting Monday next week. I did not get the really early shifts like 2am, 4am, 5am or 6am because I did not like the idea of waking up before dawn. Also, I didn't want to go home at around noon coz I can't sleep with the noon sun shining so bright. So, I guess this schedule will work for me, I hope. At least, I get night diff.. that's enough compensation...

I Hate Love

Have you ever been in love?

Horrible, isn't it?

It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way to your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that.

Especially not love.

I hate love.

- Neil Gaiman, Sandman: The Kindly Ones

sad realizations

The year is closing to an end... and I just couldn't help getting all emotional about it... I just wasted another year of my life. I did nothing in this year that I should be proud of. All I did was to make all the wrong decisions and deal with its endless consequences. Honestly speaking, I'm tired of taking the same bull* everyday... for a year! But I've no one else to blame but me (and that's the saddest part of all!) I know, this may seem like another one of my bitter entries, but it's really the only way I could get by. Or else, I'd go crazy. Besides, it's not like I forced you to read this, right? But anyway, I hope the year ahead will be much better than this one. I'm gonna wipe the slate clean and start all over again. Try to straighten up my crooked life. Wish it was that easy to do.

I don't really know what came over me this year, maybe it's because I'm finally living in the real world, and I was quite unprepared to face it. (Or should I say very much unprepared?) When I got my first job, nobody warned me about the people I'll be dealing with. I was like walking blindly into a world I have absolutely no knowledge of. As expected, I did one wrong move after another, until it became too much for me to handle and I eventually lost control. Work was fine really, it was great even, it was the people I work with that bugged me (or should I just say person?). Taking advantage of my utter ignorance. And it was during this time that I wish I was still a kid, that I wish I never grew up. That I wish Neverland existed. That I wish I was only dreaming. That I... well, you get the point...

Aside from that, I ventured into something that I am really not sure I wanted to be in in the first place... and it has a high price tag, so high that even if I'm earning a little more than usual, I am still paying for it until now.

Moreover, I wasn't able to spend enough time with my dad while he was here. I was always going home really late, and I used up practically all the seemingly valid excuses I can think of. Would you believe I was the only one who was scolded by him the whole time he was here? Unbelievable me.

Then, until now, I have not saved anything from my salary. Everything is used up everytime I get it. It practically slips off my palm as soon as I get it. It only took me a couple of days (or less) to spend something I worked for for two weeks.

There's more, but I don't think I want to show the world how stupid I am. All I'll say is if only I get a penny for every mistake I did, I'd probably be richer than Bill Gates by now.

i don't think they're even human

It's a fact, jerkasses are everywhere (A cross between jerks and a*holes)... you have to deal with them everyday whether you like it or not... and it's difficult to understand why they always have to wreck what could have been a beautiful, more meaningful and rather peaceful life... somehow, they always find a way to get into your system and stay there like a virus without an easy cure... I know by this time, I should be a pro in telling one apart for I've been dealing with them for so long (too long, if you ask me) but these past few days, I have a feeling my instincts are starting to betray me... Now, I became a victim once again. I fell into the deepest darkest pit that I've ever been to, and I don't think I could ever get out so easily without doing great damage to myself. I must have been such an easy prey. I just can't believe how their consciences can take it... best explanation to that is that they do not have a conscience at all... They are without a care on how you feel... They treat you special for one moment and then treat you like trash the next minute... They eat you up and spit you out (Hmmm.. I think I got this from a song)... All this I know, and I still can't seem to stop myself from falling for one... it's hopeless I tell you...

Alexander is Great

I watched "Alexander" with a friend at G4 last night. The movie was good, except it's a bit difficult to understand.. especially when you detest your Social Science class (like I do) and if you have so gotten used to watching movies with subtitles (like I have). It was a bit controversial though, since gay relationships are so openly displayed (not that I have anything against it). But it's cool. Also, they only showed bits and pieces of the battle, it seems that they focused too much on politics. But it's still good, coz I got to see what I wanted (hahaha.. go figure!). Before you watch it though, I suggest you brush up on your World History so you won't be clueless. Luckily, my friend knows a bit about it, so he sort of clued me in on what's happening. The movie's kinda long, so if you have work the next day... don't watch the last full show (like I did).

music...

I am the type of person who cannot live without music. Everywhere I go, music must be around... or else... I'd sing.. hahahah. Seriously! The moment I step into the bathroom, I become a diva and sing on the top of my lungs. Surprisingly enough, I have never lost my voice ever in my life, even if I scream for hours. What can I say, It's a gift! Maybe it's God's way of saying that my voice should be heard. Hahaha.

Anyway, I can't help but notice how OPM is starting to boom nowadays. These past few days, my favorite songs are Kitchie Nadal's "Wag na Wag Mong Sasabihin", Session Road's "Suntok sa Buwan" and Sponge Cola's "Lunes" and their version of Madonna's "Crazy for You". Well, that last song wasn't all that good, but it seems strange to hear it being sung by a guy (considering its a bit girlie and all). I also like Rivermaya's "Liwanag sa Dilim". It's been a while since I've had a playlist and download queues full of OPM songs. It's just nice to hear that OPM is doing great... hopefully they won't be discouraged by all the piracy that's happening. So, guys, don't buy OPM pirated cds.. just buy international artists' pirated cds.. okay?! Heheheh.. just kidding!

Lyrics: I Can't Make You Love Me

by Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights;
Turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices
Inside my head.

Lay down with me;
Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close;
Don't patronize.
Don't patronize me.

'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power;
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.

I'll close my eyes,
Then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me.

Morning will come,
And I'll do what's right;
Just give me till then
To give up this fight.

And I will give up this fight.

stitch up

I now have a two-inch long stitch on my... somewhere.. Yes, I'm finally finished with my operation. What the doctor and I thought to be a less than one centimeter thing, turned out to be one humongous mass. I believe it was even bigger than a five-peso coin, and that's no one centimeter! I was awake the whole time, and the doctor, the nurse and I are having a conversation like we were just having coffee. I never looked towards the right while he was doing the operation, coz I'm afraid I might just lose consciousness. I can feel the scissors and the blade cut through my skin, it feels a bit cold on the skin but no pain at all. If I did feel even the slightest sense of pain, the doctor will inject anaesthesia right away. It wasn't that long, less than an hour actually, but it was long enough for my mom to feel tension pain. But if you're the one lying there, you'll feel like it's taking forever for the doctor to finish.

After the operation, I went out of the room as if nothing happened. My mom told my dad to buy the prescribed medicine which I'll be taking for five days. My mom said my boyfriend called on my cellphone while I was inside and he asked for the directions how to get to the clinic. She gave the directions and he arrived just on time because my dad was in the drugstore, so I had enough time to tell him he can't be seen by my dad. Poor guy.

Right now, the stitches don't sting anymore although I can still see the thread sticking out of my skin. Ewww. At least, it's just in time for the halloween. I have to go back next week to have it removed (Halloween will be over by then).

Since the stitch is near my heart, it made me wonder, wouldn't it be nice if wounds caused by heartaches could be stitched up that fast?

out of solitude

hah! no email queues! goodie! I would have more time to read my new book, One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Originally, I wanted Love in the Time of Cholera, however, when my book finally arrived (six months after I had it reserved), I didn't have any money to pay for the said P700++ book. I believe this one's good as well (not to mention cheaper!).

A bit ironic though, since I just got out of my solitude. Yep. Finally got myself a boyfriend (again). Nothing really serious yet, we're giving each other enough time to adjust to couplehood. If I'm not mistaken, the last time I felt this way was more than a couple of years ago. So it's been a while. Over time, I have developed a sort of skepticism towards special relationships, it's just now that I've lowered my defenses. My instincts have also become better. I can easily tell if he's done something wrong. However, I have become a little more cynical than I was before. But that's just my defense mechanism. I'm just too tired of committing the same mistake over and over again. Falling in love and investing in a relationship only to get hurt and be deceived in the end. I'm sure nobody wants that to happen.

So far, he seems to be true. He's really sweet. His quote for the day yesterday was "Without you, I can still breathe... but with great difficulty". Actually, I just added a little poetic touch to it, his actual words were: "Pag anjan ka, nakakahinga ako ng maluwag... pero pagwala ka na, para akong may hika." Now, ain't that sweet?!

TGIF

Got my first paycheck! Woohoo! Now, where to splurge them... hmmmm... In truth, it's not even enough to pay all my debts! It's not that the pay is low, it's just that my debts are high! This early, I'm already buried in debts! Well, I can pay them on my next paycheck, can't I? I will pay them back, but not today! hahaha!

Anyway, I got my schedule for the next three months, it's 7am-6pm from Thurs-Sun. My off-days are Mon-Wed. So in case anyone needs to set an appointment with me, you know when to schedule. Hehehe.

My dad is here! But I won't be able to go to mass with them since I've work on Sunday. And I have to miss going shopping at Duty Free because I have work today! Well, you win some, you lose some.

Lately, I've been getting anonymous comments, thanks so much for taking the time to comment, I just wish that you will let me know who you are so I can thank you personally. Heheheh. (Sounds like the emails I will be sending once I go live. Hahah.) But seriously, I'd like to know who you are so I could stop wondering. Don't you think it would be better if we know each other? I'd hate to think you're somebody trying to pull a prank on me. So, come out, come out, whereever you are...