Not All Exes Can Be Friends...

I have proven this just the other night. For the longest time, I was keeping in touch with an ex-boyfriend (from around three or more years ago) in hopes that we can be friends. He has a girlfriend (who's been with him for almost two years now I think) and he knows about my current situation. He was sympathetic about it at first, however, when we talked about plans on hanging out, we ended up arguing. Why? Because of his, somehow, indecent proposals... and what's even ridiculous is that he seriously thinks there's absolutely nothing wrong with it! I made it clear that I wanted us to be friends. I expect to be treated that way only and nothing more. It seems that he still did not see my point, no matter how many times I explain. So, I asked him if he still thinks I'm not over him. And believe me, he had the nerve to say yes. OH PUHLEEEZ! I tried to make him understand again how I certainly do not wish for us to be back in a relationship because whatever romantic feelings I had for him has completely vanished into thin air. I even told him that I would even help him should he have any problems with his girlfriend. I have no intentions whatsoever to be involved with him again. Bottomline: I refused to go out with him because of the indecent proposals. He was sounding more psycho as the conversation went on.

As it turns out, that was all he wanted. When he finally got the point that I don't want to go out with him in any other way but as friends. He said "what's the point?". I almost wanted to just bang my head on the wall. So I gave up, I told him that I guess he's not mature enough to look beyond the past. I am in good terms with my other exes, and we absolutely got no problems being friends. But there always has to be an exception... and it has to be him. I told him that all I can offer him is friendship and if he chooses to deny it then I will respect it. Then he asked me for a favor. Here's an excerpt from the conversation:

X: will u do me a favor
me: wat
X: dont entertain me
me: as you wish..
X: regardless if am the 1 hu started 1st or watever, just dont talk to me
X: k
X: thanks
me: why cant you stop yourself from talking to me?
X: coz ur still in my list

I know, what an excuse. (I never really initiate conversations with him, even if he WAS on my list. it was him who oftens initiate it). The heated conversation continues:

me: well then remove me from your list
X: i will
me: if it's that difficult for you
X: NO
me: i dont know.. maybe you're just not mature enough
me: you cant even make your exes your friends
me: you can't see past it (the EX label)
X: coz i choose not to
me: coz you cant
X: ex is not a friend.....wats d use

So, basically, he couldn't see the point why exes can be friends... and I respect that. But he continued bickering until I got extremely irritated that even when he was still typing, I quickly clicked on the "Ignore" button. It's funny... he's the oldest ex (in terms of age) I have.. and yet he acts so immature. He was like that when we were still together... I guess some people never change.

Actually, when you come to think of it, it's not so bad that we're not friends... besides, I choose my friends well... and he was kind enough to help me make the right decision not to include him! Hahahahaha... ;P

Subconscious Mind

I woke up smiling today, coz I had one of the greatest dream I can remember. I dreamt of him today. It was really short, but vivid. He was there but it's as if that everybody knows he was away for a long while. It seemed that he just came back from a long vacation and I was sort of taking his clothes out of what seems like his luggage (how I wish it was really just that or maybe that's what my subconcious mind wants to believe). He was just like how he was when he was still here. Perky, jolly, lively, cheerful and can't stay put in one place. I remember I was telling him to stop moving around so much, he told me he can't because he has a lot of people to make happy, then he continued bouncing off the walls (not literally of course). Then, my mom woke me up coz it's time for work... sigh.

I spoke to him before I slept that afternoon, and I was telling him how much I miss him and how I wish to see him... and then by some miracle, I dreamt about him! I guess he's really just around. So, when I risked looking like a crazy person talking to no one, I was being heard after all...

Not A Perfect Day

When I woke up today, I sort of knew this was not my day. First, today is the day I go back to work after five consecutive days of not working (somehow, my rest days got accumulated). Second, I really HAVE to go to Diliman to do some research (Have, meaning, I don't want to but I need to). These are the thoughts in my mind the moment I woke up and that's not exactly how I wanted to welcome an otherwise beautiful day.

I left the house at 9am and I rode a jeepney going to Guadalupe (MRT). It slipped my mind that it's rush hour so the traffic is at its worst. What would normally take 15 minutes, took me an hour. Had I known that, I could have just taken a bus to MRT Buendia and so I wouldn't be as sweaty as I was when I got there. But at least, I got there in one piece. Went down at Quezon Avenue and almost got lost with the new loading zones.

Then I finally got to UP Diliman. So I went to library number 1, and got the book I needed. I thought my luck was starting to change but when I got to library number 2, my whole world crumbled. Nope, it's not because I didn't get the books I needed. My trip to library number 2 was successful (but the trip to library number 3 is not because it's already closed). Something rather unfortunate happened to my phone. It was acting up this morning, even with a newly recharged battery, it hangs. Then it's not accepting the correct PIN code. Then I keep losing signal. While I was walking towards library number 2, my phone memory is full of messages and I planned to deal with it when I get to my destination. Then the next time I looked at it... it's no longer flashing that yellow envelope signaling that I'm out of space... and the word INBOX is grayed out... my heart started to race as I click on it.. half-expecting that I'm just dreaming... then I saw the last thing I ever want to see happen on my phone.. NO MESSAGES. I almost wanted to cry and throw my phone out of the 3rd floor window. All his recent messages that I've been guarding like my life depended on it, gone in an instant, without warning and without a trace. I even refused to buy a new phone because his messages are stored in the phone memory and if I remove the sim card, it will all be gone. What's even frustrating is that this morning, I already freed up some space on my sim memory so that I can store the 20+ messages from him later on the day. It was lost before I had the chance to move them. They are nothing but a memory now. I almost wanted to collapse right then and there.

I quickly texted his sister, Ate Danette and two of my friends and told them about it (cause I was about ready to cry at that time and telling people how I feel really helps to make me feel better). She told me maybe it's God's way of telling me to move on. It's the same thing my friend told me. Coincidentally, I received their messages only seconds apart. Yup, maybe that's a sign... maybe I just didn't want to think of it as that (read: denial). I'm just quite not ready to let go... I'm sorry.

And so I visited him today (luckily I didn't get lost). But then, there are too many workers around (since the building is not yet finished and they're trying to complete it by November) and so I couldn't have a quiet moment with him. I think I have even stepped on a wet cement and quickly apologized to the worker who's, uhm.. working on it. Plus the sun was shining so brightly and I do not have anything to shield myself from it's strong rays. Fortunately though, the guard was an angel and was kind enough to lead me to his wall and lend me an umbrella and even offered to get me a chair. I said he doesn't really need to for I won't stay long (it's past 3pm and I got work later at night plus I haven't even had my lunch yet and I was about ready to faint). I stared at the wall for a while, whispered things to him while looking at his name on that wall while fighting back tears that are threatening to fall. Before I left, I promised I'd go back at a much better time.

And so I decided to go home and rest and eat, rode an FX to Buendia, again without realizing that it's a Friday thus it's traffic in Quiapo. I got home tired and hungry. So after eating a hearty meal, I snoozed for a few hours before I get myself ready for work. And that was practically how my day went. Certainly not perfect, but it was definitely meaningful and absolutely not a waste.

"THE" Reply

I was actually expecting a longer reply to my email, but I guess I didn't leave much for you to reply on... there's really not much to say...

I guess we did agree on most parts, however, I know you wish that my answer was based on the negativity that you were more or less showing. But then, I think it was better to base it on what is really there to begin with and not on what is lacking. I was real honest with my reasons because I think you deserve to know the truth. I am sorry if the truth has scarred you. You know it was really not my intention.

Also, you don't have to blame yourself, as you have said it, maybe the pressure around us was partly to blame so it was really not mainly your fault. There are some situations where we are not in control of. Some things are really bound to happen, I guess. As what I kept telling you, it is better to take the risk than to wonder all your life "what if" and telling yourself "if only" (seems like I should make this my motto coz I have sooo often used this line). At least, somehow, you found your peace.

I'm also sorry if I gave you any false expectations. I'm sorry if I seemed so cruel by not telling you right away. But you know how I'm not used to turning people down. You know how hard it is for me to be upfront with my answer, no matter what the circumstance is, especially when the answer is "no". The nearest answer I can give to a "no", is a "maybe" or a "why not". I am just not that good with negativity. I wasn't built that way.

At least, there's still something good that came out of this situation. I mean, at least, the friendship was still saved somehow. If anything, I think it made the friendship even stronger (although there was a time when we kept on arguing and it seemed that the friendship was on the brink of falling apart but then, things changed for the better). A lot better than what we have expected it to turn out. Like I told you, things will straighten themselves out eventually.

For what it's worth, thank you for understanding the situation I am in and for all the things you have done. I am sure you'll eventually find the happiness you truly deserved. I may still be on the way to recovery... and God only knows when I will finally have the strength to live again... but somehow, it's reassuring to know that you're still there in spite of everything...

Comfort Zone

I know its been months since he was gone. But I still can't stop thinking about him and wishing he was still here. I hate being alone because it makes me miss him even more. I really do not know if I'll ever get over it all. It's just, I don't know, too damn hard! Before I've been telling him how I cannot seem to last a day without him. Now I realize how true it seems. He just became my world and now I can't get back to how I was before he came. He became sooo much a part of my life that I feel like I'm severely crippled.

And sometimes, I feel like I do not want to get over it. Now, the feeling that is emerging is one of fear. I fear for the day that I might forget everything about him. Over time, I might forget how it feels to be with him. I might forget how it feels to hug him, hold him or kiss him. More importantly, I might forget the feelings I have for him. I might forget all the wonderful memories we've shared. Basically, I have decided to live in the past. I honestly refuse to move on for the meantime. I just don't want to forget and I don't want to do anything that would make me forget.

Just the other day, I've watched the movie 'My Sassy Girl". A romantic comedy about real life incidents (they say) written by Kim Ho-sik that tells about his weird relationship with his eccentric girlfriend. I could totally relate to the girl in the movie and I wish I can get a transcript of that girl's letter. I'm planning to watch it again soon, but not until I have more than 2 hours free time coz the movie is THAT long. But still, I so love that movie. Plus the timing when I watched it can't be better.

On other news, there are a lot of changes going on in the workplace. Now they've become stricter than ever. First, they prohibit the use of cellphones on the floor. Then, they prohibit browsing on workstations even if you're just checking mail. Now, they made a policy which prohibits bringing of personal belongings onto the Operations Floor. Now, ain't that crazy talk? We have to stow our stuff in our lockers before proceeding to our respective workstations like it's a baggage counter. The locker is not even that big enough. If I place my pillow and blanket there, there won't be enough space for my other stuff! What's even worse is that two people share one locker. Outrageous. But wait, there's more! We're no longer allowed to post stuff on the monitor frame or cubicle wall. Not even a simple note unless approved by the manager. Also, nothing should be left under or on the desk after shift. Not a single manual or clearbook. They've even installed surveillance cameras to make sure I won't sleep even during my lunch time. I guess they were bitten by that Big Brother bug. Next thing you know, we'll be in uniforms. I mean, what kind of work environment is that? I feel like I'm in military school for crying out loud! And they're expecting us to treat the workplace as if it's "Home Sweet Home"? Well, they can expect mass resignation anytime soon. We're all honestly just waiting for our 13th month pay and then we'll probably say goodbye to "Home Sweet Home". If I seriously don't have bills to pay right now, I would have chosen to be unemployed by now.

Obviously right now I hate changes. I do not want to leave my comfort zone, a good friend had observed. Recently, I have refused another substantial change to happen. It was time that I become honest and tell the person what I really think before he thinks I'm using him or taking advantage of the situation. It wasn't easy really but it was somehow poisoning the friendship. I just hope he does not go into bouts of self-pity again and think it's all his fault cause it's really nobody's fault. I don't exactly know the gravity of what I've done, but I feel like I'm gonna know soon. I'm afraid I might not like it. The truth does set us free, but telling it is never easy. And it does more than set us free. Sometimes, the consequence is not what we hoped it to be. As for me, I'm still wishing everything will be alright... back to how it was before. Sigh. The past can be so enticing sometimes. If I can travel through time, I'd rather go to the past than the future. The closest thing to time travel that I can do is to sleep and dream. It's truly my favorite "past time". :)

just trying this thing out

this is cool, i can actually email my blogger and then it will... erm, it
SHOULD.. be automatically posted.. let's try this..