Comfort Zone

I know its been months since he was gone. But I still can't stop thinking about him and wishing he was still here. I hate being alone because it makes me miss him even more. I really do not know if I'll ever get over it all. It's just, I don't know, too damn hard! Before I've been telling him how I cannot seem to last a day without him. Now I realize how true it seems. He just became my world and now I can't get back to how I was before he came. He became sooo much a part of my life that I feel like I'm severely crippled.

And sometimes, I feel like I do not want to get over it. Now, the feeling that is emerging is one of fear. I fear for the day that I might forget everything about him. Over time, I might forget how it feels to be with him. I might forget how it feels to hug him, hold him or kiss him. More importantly, I might forget the feelings I have for him. I might forget all the wonderful memories we've shared. Basically, I have decided to live in the past. I honestly refuse to move on for the meantime. I just don't want to forget and I don't want to do anything that would make me forget.

Just the other day, I've watched the movie 'My Sassy Girl". A romantic comedy about real life incidents (they say) written by Kim Ho-sik that tells about his weird relationship with his eccentric girlfriend. I could totally relate to the girl in the movie and I wish I can get a transcript of that girl's letter. I'm planning to watch it again soon, but not until I have more than 2 hours free time coz the movie is THAT long. But still, I so love that movie. Plus the timing when I watched it can't be better.

On other news, there are a lot of changes going on in the workplace. Now they've become stricter than ever. First, they prohibit the use of cellphones on the floor. Then, they prohibit browsing on workstations even if you're just checking mail. Now, they made a policy which prohibits bringing of personal belongings onto the Operations Floor. Now, ain't that crazy talk? We have to stow our stuff in our lockers before proceeding to our respective workstations like it's a baggage counter. The locker is not even that big enough. If I place my pillow and blanket there, there won't be enough space for my other stuff! What's even worse is that two people share one locker. Outrageous. But wait, there's more! We're no longer allowed to post stuff on the monitor frame or cubicle wall. Not even a simple note unless approved by the manager. Also, nothing should be left under or on the desk after shift. Not a single manual or clearbook. They've even installed surveillance cameras to make sure I won't sleep even during my lunch time. I guess they were bitten by that Big Brother bug. Next thing you know, we'll be in uniforms. I mean, what kind of work environment is that? I feel like I'm in military school for crying out loud! And they're expecting us to treat the workplace as if it's "Home Sweet Home"? Well, they can expect mass resignation anytime soon. We're all honestly just waiting for our 13th month pay and then we'll probably say goodbye to "Home Sweet Home". If I seriously don't have bills to pay right now, I would have chosen to be unemployed by now.

Obviously right now I hate changes. I do not want to leave my comfort zone, a good friend had observed. Recently, I have refused another substantial change to happen. It was time that I become honest and tell the person what I really think before he thinks I'm using him or taking advantage of the situation. It wasn't easy really but it was somehow poisoning the friendship. I just hope he does not go into bouts of self-pity again and think it's all his fault cause it's really nobody's fault. I don't exactly know the gravity of what I've done, but I feel like I'm gonna know soon. I'm afraid I might not like it. The truth does set us free, but telling it is never easy. And it does more than set us free. Sometimes, the consequence is not what we hoped it to be. As for me, I'm still wishing everything will be alright... back to how it was before. Sigh. The past can be so enticing sometimes. If I can travel through time, I'd rather go to the past than the future. The closest thing to time travel that I can do is to sleep and dream. It's truly my favorite "past time". :)