Flashbacks

We're fond of doing flashbacks... we try to recall what transpired the last time we were together... he said its purpose was to helps us look forward to the next time we'll be together again... I just did one today...

I finally had the courage to watch "If Only" for the second time and I had to say that I shouldn't have watched it with my mom around. I was choking back tears all through out the movie but the moment when his favorite song came in, I wasn't able to hold it back. Luckily I had my back towards her so I let it flow. The feeling is entirely different the last time I watched it. I cried the first time I saw it because I kept my focus on the story. I cried now because it felt so much like a flashback and I remember everything that happened more than a year ago and how I felt at that time and how different it is to what I feel now... but I am very grateful that I was able to spend that time with him on his last day on earth. Even more thankful that they were all happy moments... much like it was on the movie...

Last Sunday, a mass was celebrated for his first death anniversary. His friends and family were there. Honestly, I was a bit reluctant to go because I was going there alone. I was scared that I might feel a bit out of place. I knew it could happen, but not with a family like his. Just like before, I instantly felt I was part of the family. I obviously love talking about him, and so I know I was with the best people to be around with. People who took care of him, who loved him, who grew up with him and really knew him well. They even invited me to have lunch at their Lola's house which was the place where he came from before the accident. The minute we got there, I started imagining. I imagined his car was the last one in the driveway, blocking the other cars, like he said. Soon as I got inside, I recognized the place from the last MMS he sent. I imagined where he was while I was calling him. I imagined him there. On the way home, they showed me what type of truck he hit and the exact location where it happened. I'd have to say that the whole day, I was slightly detached from the world. My mind was busy creating an alternate reality... I was busy doing flashbacks... which I reckon I'll be doing same day next year... and the years after that...

His dad and I got into a small talk. He did some flashback himself. He recalled the times they ate lunch together and the times wherein they are the only people in the house. He remembered the time he let Bujing drive his car for the first time on his prom night. He knew how important prom night is for him that's why he let him have the car for a night. Then he said Bujing went home later than he had expected. When he finally got home, he was looking all pale and sweaty. Turns out the car got hit by a jeepney and the damage the car received was anything but mild. He said it was the first... and last time he let him drove his car. He said he lived through that accident because that wasn't his time. The accident he was in a year ago, that was clearly his time to go. It almost seemed he knew it was going to happen. It explained why he never decided to settle down, why he never really saved up much for himself, why he was busy going from one place to another that particular night, why he left alone even if he said he'd give his cousins a ride home and a lot more... But as for me, it still doesn't make any sense. Don't get me wrong, I have accepted what happened, but I still don't understand why it had to. Well, not yet anyway. But I'm still hoping that maybe someday I will...