Hi,
I hope you are well. I'm writing because talking is clearly not my forte. I just want to tell you that I have the following to be sorry for:
-being an added burden to your problems at the worst time
-not telling you the truth
-betraying your trust once again
-putting the blame on you
-being inconsiderate of your feelings
-jeopardizing our relationship
-pushing you away
-threatening to kill myself
-telling you are wrong when you are not
-not admitting my faults
-not fulfilling your requests
-not submitting to you
-not making myself exclusive to you
-throwing away my faith
-for being stubborn and weak
-for not listening
I can actually go on and on with my list without end. I know these things and I'm sorry for all of them. I know these flaws, but i just cannot seem to make them go away no matter how hard I try or how hard I pray for God to take them away. It just won't go and I do not know what to do with them anymore. All these make me so unworthy of you. I do not deserve you and I am sure it will be a lot easier for you to find someone better than me. That seems to be more likely to happen than changing myself into someone you deserve. I've been in this dump a lot of times before and it just keeps repeating itself time after time after time. I cannot explain to you anymore why I decided to go out with him and not tell you aside from what I have told you. Please do not think it's about you. Because I think that's what you're trying to know. I did not do it because you are lacking. I did it for old time's sake. That's all. But I hope you believe me when I say that I did not wish to spend forever with him. If anything, it actually made me think of how you are better than him. Of how lucky that I had you. And it's only sad because I realized that only after I made the mistake of hurting you. And now I can't take it back and it has caused our relationship to crumble to pieces. Void of a solid foundation of trust. I only got myself to blame. Now I am back to where I started. Miserable, pitiful, depressing, shameful, despicable and all the negativity in the world.
Please don't ask me what to do because I honestly am not the best person to ask. I know I want you, but I know I cannot have you. I guess not at this time. I want you to be with me but I also want you to be happy and to find peace. I want to promise you all those things. That I will change, that I will not hurt you anymore, that I will give you everything you ask. Kaso pag hindi ko na natupad, it will only get worse than this. I just want us to go back to the way it used to be. I know it's impossible now. I know it's selfish, but if you ask me, I want you to be with me. That is what I want. I want you. I know it may not be evident, you may not even believe it, it may not change your mind, but you should know that I really do love you so much. And I felt miserable ever since you left. But there are just things that I don't deserve and cannot have. I cannot have everything I want.
So please make the decision, because I really do not have a say on this. It's what you want that matters. It's your turn to have what you want. I love you and I know I always will.
~
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Back to Square One
For the past week, I did nothing but shut off every source of happiness I have had in my life. I chased out every ray of sunshine and let myself wallow in the pool of darkness. An all-too-familiar place that I never thought I would be back in when my live had changed (or so I thought). It's not the best place to be in but I seriously think this is the best place for me to start.
Sometimes, when all things are too messed up, it is better to start with nothing than to start where you left off. If the whole structure gave in because the foundation is weak, it is wise to dig deeper and start to build a new foundation from there. Now I understand. Now I know why I always react this way. My place of darkness has a purpose for being there. When everything crumbles down to the ground, instead of me rising up, I find myself digging deeper into the darkness. This is because I want to start anew. New. Improved. Better. Like something made after a disaster.
Even if no one likes to admit it, I know things are different now. I cannot go back and change the mistakes done in the past but I can always go for a new beginning. No matter how sorry I feel, the damage done is done. There really is nothing that I can do or say that would take everything back to how it was. All I can do is to take everything to memory and charge it to experience. I will start anew, the way I learned it should be. Things will be different. Changes will happen. His will be done.
Sometimes, when all things are too messed up, it is better to start with nothing than to start where you left off. If the whole structure gave in because the foundation is weak, it is wise to dig deeper and start to build a new foundation from there. Now I understand. Now I know why I always react this way. My place of darkness has a purpose for being there. When everything crumbles down to the ground, instead of me rising up, I find myself digging deeper into the darkness. This is because I want to start anew. New. Improved. Better. Like something made after a disaster.
Even if no one likes to admit it, I know things are different now. I cannot go back and change the mistakes done in the past but I can always go for a new beginning. No matter how sorry I feel, the damage done is done. There really is nothing that I can do or say that would take everything back to how it was. All I can do is to take everything to memory and charge it to experience. I will start anew, the way I learned it should be. Things will be different. Changes will happen. His will be done.
All Questions, No Answers
How can anyone really understand me when I don't even understand myself. How can anyone know me if I don't even seem to know myself. Why can I not respond normally to situations that require me to take criticisms constructively? Why do I always desire to make myself miserable every single time I get hit with a stone? Why do I like wallowing in misery? Why do I keep pushing away people whom I love? Could it be a curse? How will I ever learn? I guess I never will.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Not living in the moment
I was about to write something... then it got lost in my thoughts... maybe I'll try again later...
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Thoughts for Today
I just copied these from jenni epperson's blog:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. (Peace be with you.)
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come. (Aren't you excited?)
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield. (Please.)
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift." That is what the {present} is a gift don't waste today.
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. (Peace be with you.)
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come. (Aren't you excited?)
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield. (Please.)
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift." That is what the {present} is a gift don't waste today.
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