Sent but not Received

Hi,

I hope you are well. I'm writing because talking is clearly not my forte. I just want to tell you that I have the following to be sorry for:

-being an added burden to your problems at the worst time
-not telling you the truth
-betraying your trust once again
-putting the blame on you
-being inconsiderate of your feelings
-jeopardizing our relationship
-pushing you away
-threatening to kill myself
-telling you are wrong when you are not
-not admitting my faults
-not fulfilling your requests
-not submitting to you
-not making myself exclusive to you
-throwing away my faith
-for being stubborn and weak
-for not listening

I can actually go on and on with my list without end. I know these things and I'm sorry for all of them. I know these flaws, but i just cannot seem to make them go away no matter how hard I try or how hard I pray for God to take them away. It just won't go and I do not know what to do with them anymore. All these make me so unworthy of you. I do not deserve you and I am sure it will be a lot easier for you to find someone better than me. That seems to be more likely to happen than changing myself into someone you deserve. I've been in this dump a lot of times before and it just keeps repeating itself time after time after time. I cannot explain to you anymore why I decided to go out with him and not tell you aside from what I have told you. Please do not think it's about you. Because I think that's what you're trying to know. I did not do it because you are lacking. I did it for old time's sake. That's all. But I hope you believe me when I say that I did not wish to spend forever with him. If anything, it actually made me think of how you are better than him. Of how lucky that I had you. And it's only sad because I realized that only after I made the mistake of hurting you. And now I can't take it back and it has caused our relationship to crumble to pieces. Void of a solid foundation of trust. I only got myself to blame. Now I am back to where I started. Miserable, pitiful, depressing, shameful, despicable and all the negativity in the world.

Please don't ask me what to do because I honestly am not the best person to ask. I know I want you, but I know I cannot have you. I guess not at this time. I want you to be with me but I also want you to be happy and to find peace. I want to promise you all those things. That I will change, that I will not hurt you anymore, that I will give you everything you ask. Kaso pag hindi ko na natupad, it will only get worse than this. I just want us to go back to the way it used to be. I know it's impossible now. I know it's selfish, but if you ask me, I want you to be with me. That is what I want. I want you. I know it may not be evident, you may not even believe it, it may not change your mind, but you should know that I really do love you so much. And I felt miserable ever since you left. But there are just things that I don't deserve and cannot have. I cannot have everything I want.

So please make the decision, because I really do not have a say on this. It's what you want that matters. It's your turn to have what you want. I love you and I know I always will.

~