I'm back!!!

I'm back! I took a much-needed week-long vacation last week and I decided to go to.... Baguio! Woohoo! The last time I was there was November last year and we were'nt able to do much cause we only stayed for around 2 days plus the place where we stayed at is a bit far from the city. This time, I stayed there with my mom for almost 4 days (from Tuesday to Friday) and I can say that only now did I realize how lovely Baguio city can be. I wished I had studied there instead. I even felt like I wanted to stay there forever!

The day we left Manila, it was raining hard... and the whole duration of the trip, it was raining. All towns and cities we've passed by are drenched. When we got to Baguio, it looks like it was just about to rain but I really did not mind cause I sooo looove it when it rains! When we woke up the next day, it was still raining hard but no amount of rain stopped us from going to the streets. I even took a 'cold' shower before going out (I was actually turning pale when I stepped out of the shower because of the cold). I loved how the city looked after the rain... with the fog, shiny (and slippery) streets and all. Then, the day after that, the sun began to shine so it's such a blessing that I got to see the city both when it was wet and when it was dry!

So, what did I do for almost 4 days up there? Basically, all I did was walk.. and shop! Shop for my cousins, my sister, my brother, our househelpers, my friends and of course, myself! In just three days, my ATM account is almost empty (except for P93, I think). Good thing we paid in advance for the place we stayed in, coz if not, I don't think we'll be able to pay for it. I really had a hard time controlling myself coz I kept telling myself that it's not everyday that I get to shop at Baguio! I was able to buy more than 15 pieces of clothing (sweaters, jackets, pants, shirts, tank tops) plus a pair of sandals for myself. I each bought a jacket for my brother, my three cousins, some of my friends and two househelpers. I also bought a bag for my sister. Aside from that, I bought a whole lot of goodies (around 9 jars of assorted stuff) and that 'sundot-kulangot' thing (that I really enjoy eating..haha). Oh yeah, my mom and I were also able to watch a movie at SM Baguio and yes, the theater is the only part of the mall with A/C but it's actually colder outside. I didn't like the movie much but its the only option since my mom doesn't wanna watch neither War of the Worlds nor Fantastic Four. When it comes to taking pictures, well, we only got solo shots of each other since there are only two of us, so after I take my mom's pictures, she takes mine! But overall, it was a terrific vacation. I had such a wonderful time and I truly enjoyed every moment I spent there... and I don't mind doing it all over again soon! Hahaha..

Sigh. The day I went back to Manila, I can almost feel all my troubles rushing back and threatening to wipe away the happy smile that has been on my face for four days. I almost feel like I did not want to go back when we were greeted by a bunch of rallyists successfully making the Friday traffic even worse. That's it, I'm officially back to a place of chaos. Plus it's like a thousand degrees here! Haha! Just kidding. Well, at least, I still have a little of Baguio on the pictures I took with my cellphone... and of course, a lot of it on the clothes I will be wearing for the next few days! Hahahah..

Prelude to Ron's Birthday a.k.a. Team-Building chuva

To change the mood of this sorry blog... why don't we move on to happier thoughts. Last Saturday night, Team Morales decided to spend the night partying at Toot's Manor. Quite timely for me, since I needed a boost of endorphins. That chemical that's responsible for the emotion of happiness. Also, I suggested that we drink 'Chocolate Mudshaker', since chocololate contains phenylethylamine and anandamide. Phenylethylamine works with dopamine in the brain to produce a mild antidepressant effect and anandamide alters brain chemistry to produce feelings of well being and calm. So, scientifically speaking, that night of partying is beneficial for my health. I know, I researched on it. Hahaha.

It was fun really. We started at around 8pm and ended at almost 5am (it was just like doing 9 hours of work). There were no KJ's around so we all had a good time (I know I did). We had a little singing contest. Ron sponsored the prize money and we all tried to vie for the highest score. At the end of the night, Cherry was the one who went home with a fat wallet. I guess its customary for us to leave something broken at Toot's house, the most recent casualty was his 'antique' dining chair c/o Mr. Bactad. Pol and I also managed to loosen some screws on his door. So, many thanks to Mr. Anthony Hernandez for letting us trash his place once again. Here are some snapshots of the event:



We obviously looked starved... and thirsty!



Find Anton on this picture.



Jeefer sings while Brij contemplates on his performance.



Hmmm.. TOUGH competitor.



Here's the man of the house singing while watching over his son who's going down the stairs.



The sup on his usual self.



Pol.. with fan.



The side of Jim that not everybody gets to see (or hear for that matter).



My happy moment. Blame it all on the glassful of chocolate mudshaker on my hand.



Here's the endorphin-producing chocolate mudshaker I've been raving about!!!



Preluders(?!)



Before Sunrise...

and that's just a prelude...

white flag

Note: If you are in any way allergic to too much drama and mush that your stomach couldn't take it, I suggest that you close this window immediately before you get any allergic reactions...

Friday was the last time I saw him. He looked so giddy and so happy that nothing seemed to dampen his spirits. I never saw that look on his face before and somehow, it hurt me that I did not have that kind of effect on him. I did not have the heart to approach him and let my presence be known. Seeing him that happy was enough. It was clearer to me than any words could say. I saw exactly what I needed to see. The battle is over. The white flag is raised.

Then, I remember the night we had the most sensible conversation ever. I remember his words clearly. Why would he choose me and why should he not choose the one that came before me? I know it took a while, but it is just now that I realized the true meaning of what he was saying. Suddenly, everything made sense to me. It was like a slap on the face matched with a splash of ice cold water. It was time to snap back to reality and accept the fact that I can never be her.

My phone has been silent ever since that day. I was half-hoping that he would at least text me. But I guess, he knows its for the best. I hoped he at least missed me or thought about me for one second. But it's almost impossible if you're missing someone else. And I know the bitter fact that I can't compete. I know when I'm no longer needed or even wanted. He did not have to say it, he can't deny it anymore coz I saw it in his eyes. The signs are clear, I'm not what he wanted contrary to what I believed and I know that I have to step back. I have to swallow again the bitter pill I have so gotten used to tasting. I can't pretend that nothing's bothering me or nothing's wrong anymore. Whatever you do, you can never make someone love you. It just does not coincide with the natural order of things.

I cried my eyes out that fateful night. I really did not mean to, but my emotions got the best of me. My pillow was soaking wet with tears and my eyes are all puffy and red. I cried it all out until my eyes ran dry. I cried all the pain away until the hurt subsides. I drowned every pain with every tear that I cried. I cried until I'm tired of crying. I just wanted to forget. I am tired of it all. I'm tired of being in the same situation all over again. I'm tired of thinking and worrying. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of loving and make believing that I am loved. It's time to let it all go. I'm all cried out. And quoting from Pablo Neruda's famous poem 'Tonight I Can Write': Though this be the last pain that he makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for him...

tagged by vianney :)

Things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play. What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Make a list, post it to your journal... and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it to theirs.

1. read books
2. listen to music
3. blog a.k.a. rant
4. play PC games (NFSU2 or Sims or GTA)
5. walk briskly
6. sleep
7. think of nonsense
8. shop
9. sing out of tune
10. watch tv

how utterly boring can I get? hehehe...

In Memoriam

It has been more than a week since my grandfather (mom's dad) peacefully joined our Creator. I can't really say that we have all gotten used to his absence yet. He is still very much alive in our hearts and minds (I guess he will always be). His death sort of still came as a shock to all of us. He was supposed to be released from the hospital and my mom and her sister were already preparing all the medical stuff he will need at home. But then one afternoon, he just stopped breathing.. and that's it. At 88 years of age, he decided to finally go back to where he truly belonged.

He was a good grandfather. Very loving and caring. A typical grandfather. He loved his children and his grandchildren and his great grandchildren so much and he never hesitated to show it. All of us felt how much he loved us. We all had our moments with him. On my part, the peak of it was when he was still in America. We used to write letters to each other when I was younger and he always sends us all sorts of stuff. I can still remember how excited my sister was when she finally received her dream gadget, a gameboy. I think if I have the option to choose a grandfather, I'd gladly choose him again.

I guess we should really be rejoicing now instead of greaving because we all know where he's going. At least, all his pains have gone away and all that is left is happiness. To my lolo, I am forever grateful for all the wonderful things that you have done for us. I can say that you will be terribly missed but at least, we've got a lot of good memories that we will surely cherish for the rest of our lives. I hope we meet again.. someday.. I sure hope we do..

song for the moment

Song Title: Broken Sonnet
Artist: Hale

And now I concede on the night
of this fifteenth song
Of melancholy, of melancholy
And now I will admit in this fourth line
That I love you, that i love you

I don't care what they say
I don't care what they do

Cause tonight I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side

The clock on the TV says 8:39 p.m.
It's the same, it's the same
And in this next line I'll say it all over again
That I love you, that i love you

I don't care what they say
I don't care what they do

Cause tonight I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side
Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And I will never let go, will never let go

I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side
Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And i will never let go, never let go

But still I see the tears from your eyes
Maybe I'm just not the one for you

random 'senti' thoughts

I just started wondering, why won't things just turn out the way you want it to be? Why do things have to seem so unfair on your side? I know they say that you should accept whatever comes to you... and I am accepting it, and sometimes I'm even thankful for it, however, it sometimes feels like I'm swallowing a bitter pill. Sometimes it's really hard to accept the downside of things. I can say I'm happy now and contented with life, but not totally. I know things could always be better. There are things that I wish would happen, although I'm not sure it will... I take the risk anyway, thinking that maybe things will turn out fine in the future. But you can't discount the possibility of things turning out NOT fine. Then, I'll be back to square 1 (even negative 1 if possible). I hate the fact that there are things in life you just can't take control of. Like how other people think or react, especially how other people feel about you. There will always be a risk. There's always a catch to happiness. You can't be happy without feeling sad. Well, its a matter of choice actually. You can't win if you don't fight. I know it might look like I'm fighting a losing battle, but I will regret if I don't fight for it. I'd rather take the risk, than wonder all my life thinking 'what if' and telling myself 'if only'. I know it's a battle I won't regret fighting for and I know all the wounds I will incur will all be worth it in the end. Or so I hope.

* Weird, I started this post with a completely different thought in mind, I've no idea how it came to be what it is now... must be my unconscious mind thinking aloud.

*I know you may not have the slightest idea of what I'm talking about, but maybe some other people will.. who knows?! ;P

"when you love someone, you have to fight for it, that was why i was willing to fight for you... to make you realize how much you mean to me. but when i saw the look in your eyes whenever she's around... i know i already lost even before the fight began..."

emotional blackmail

Got this from Cosmopolitan Philippines' April issue:

Are you a victim of emotional blackmail? You might be setting yourself up for abuse if you allow them to:
* Threaten to make your life difficult if you don't do what they want.
* Constantly threaten to end the relationship if you don't do what they want.
* Tell you or imply that they wil neglect, hurt themselves, or become depressed if you don't do what they want.
* Always want more, no matter how much you give.
* Regularly assume you will give in to them.
* Regularly ignore or discount your feelings and wants.
* Make lavish promises that are contingent on your behavior and then rarely keep them.
* Constantly label you as selfish, bad, greedy,unfeeling or uncaring when you don't give in to them.
* Shower you with approval when you give in to them and take it away when you don't.
* Use money as a weapon to get their way.

If any of these situations sound painfully familiar, you are being emotionally blackmailed. Excerpted from Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward Ph.D with Donna Frazier.

Well, almost all are painfully familiar to me... so I therefore conclude that I was indeed emotionally blackmailed... but I'm glad that I got myself out of it, coz that was by far, the worst kind of treatment I've had from a person who's clearly not even worth all the trouble. 'nuff said.

i hope this thing is true.. heheh

I did an inkblot test online at http://web.tickle.com, which supposedly will reveal my subconscious mind.. this is the result i got:

"Aileen, your subconscious mind is driven most by Kindness

This means you have a deep desire to be kind and fair to others. You may even be preoccupied with finding kindness in the world around you, far more than you realize on a conscious level.

It is possible that the underlying reason you seek kindness in the world around you, is that you fear cruelty, the opposite of kindness. That could drive you to unconsciously project kindness wherever possible into your world. Regardless of its origin, your steadfast adherence to being kind to others is felt by people you are close to.

You are probably more susceptible than others to being overwhelmed by emotions — both yours and others'. It is possible that your unusually empathic nature is a result of your natural sensitivity to others' pain, and your desire to help them avoid it. For this reason, things might affect you more than they affect your friends and family. To protect yourself from too much emotional intensity, you might want to keep an eye out so you can recognize it when it starts. That will allow you to slow things down until you feel grounded again.

Overall, your strong orientation towards kindness gives you an optimistic nature, which translates into you seeing the best in the people around you. Because you're not one to be overly judgmental, others may seek out your company when they need a friend to talk to. People close to you likely know that you care deeply about the inner lives of others and can listen to what they have to say without imposing your views on them.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Kindness, there is much more to who you are at your core."

another year older

Time flies by so fast, before I know it, I'm 22. A little bit older, but not a bit wiser.. something must be seriously wrong with me. Another year has passed, and what a year it was for me. I got myself into all sorts of troubles, but somehow I managed to get through (with a little help from my friends). I got through it all, although I got badly bruised and severely wounded. Heck, I may not be a tad wiser, but I sure got a lot stronger. I'm still recuperating, but I'm sure I'll be fine.

Great damage has been done by a person who tried to pull me down (and is still trying to pull me down as of press time). I must have irked the person too much for that person to do something so desperate and foolish. You won't believe how immature adult people can get when they're desperate. I honestly did not intend to irk the person. It wasn't mainly my fault. Whoever said Ignorance is bliss must have not came across with the kind of people I have met. For them, ignorance is something to take advantage of. To the point that it makes you think that ignorance should be equated with stupidity. Maybe I did get a little wiser, because if I wasn't any wiser, I would join in on the childish games that these people are playing. I just wish they take pleasure on what they are doing, for at least they get something out of it. Besides, it isn't the first time that I've let people be happy on my account. What goes around, comes around anyway.

The year that went by made me wish I could turn back time, but then I thought, I wouldn't have met the people who would help me be stronger and make me realize my worth. I wouldn't have met the people who would stand by me no matter what happens. I'd missed out on some of the best things life could offer. Yes, most part of the year was hell for me, but I've also found heaven on some parts of it that is worth going through hell for.

I'll live.. no matter how much people pull me down, I'll always find a way to pull myself up (again, with a little help from my friends AND family). I just want to thank them from the bottom of my heart for giving me the strength and the will to keep living. If it weren't for them, I'd be lost. Most especially I thank the person who works through them, that's none other than God. Now that's a birthday speech!

first time to be on the beach!

Yes, it's my first time to see sand beside the shore and actually get to walk on it and feel it between my toes! Last Friday, I joined my officemates on a getaway to Puerto Galera! I have to admit that an overnighter is not enough to really have fun on the beach. I didn't even get enough time to shop for souvenirs, pasalubong and stuff. Even without any sleep, I rushed to the beach and took a swim (not minding the stings of the invisible jellyfishes). In just a few hours, I got burnt to a toast. But sooner or later, my lack of sleep caught up with me and I had to dose off (and miss the sunset) so I can recharge for an all-nighter drinking/bonding session.

We hopped from one bar to another, drinking a pitcher of Mindoro Sling on every stop. Surprisingly, the concoction did not take effect at all. It was just like drinking pomelo juice on the beach. Sometimes, a drizzle would threaten to kill the fun, but I think no amount of drizzle could make us hide back to our room. When the night went on, we huddled for the cheapest bottle of Tequila, and the best price we got was P1,600 for a liter, including local lemon a.k.a calamansi, salt and a shotglass. Not bad at all. We gulped down the shots and when a few of us were sprinkled with sleeping dust, we head on to the beach to make 'tambay' and take some 'drunken' pics.

The next morning, I was the last one to wake up.. because I was the one with the least sleep. Anyway, we thought our morning was ruined because it was raining. But God gave us a sign that everything will be alright again.. a rainbow showed up! So, we went snorkeling, and man! It was like straight out of Discovery channel or something. I felt like I was on a big aquarium! I even saw a blue starfish (c/o Abby). Bad thing was I had to get some air after taking a glimpse of the underworld (?!?!) because I was without a snorkel.. (So you can say I wasn't snorkeling after all). Well, I just didn't like the idea of renting one because I don't know whose mouth it has been in (it would feel like I borrowed a toothbrush from a stranger). So, after that we ate lunch and took turns taking a bath and finally prepared to go home.

On the ferry, I was so darn sleepy that I slept right through the dolphins. I didn't even see a single fin. :( Oh well, one thing I learned... never go to Galera sleepless! Coz it's the ultimate party-pooper... Oh well, I'm pretty sure I haven't seen the last of Galera..

for whoever i'm thinking about...

When I'm Thinking About You
The Sundays

Over the rooftops a plane in the sky
Beat of a bass drum cars passing me by
Under a bridge dark then back into light
A river of raincoats and a forest of faces
Still for a moment then red into green
Slow shuffling shoes whisper sight unseen
Row upon row of houses return an empty stare
Letting the daydream for a little while longer

Ah.. yeah...
Hope I'll never wake
When I'm thinking about you
(yeah) hope I'll never wake
Coz now Im thinking about you

Two-minute hailstorm then melts into rain
(oh) sing me a rainbow its sunny again
Swallows overhead while the traffic snarls below
Could I (could I) keep dreaming for a little while longer

Hope I'll never wake
When I'm thinking about you
So that you know - I never want to wake
Coz now Im thinking about you

When you're searching your soul
When you're searching for pleasure
How often, pain is all you find
But when you're coasting along and nobodys trying too hard
You can turn around and like where you are

(yeah and) I hope I never wake
When I'm thinking about you
And I close my eyes (dear)
Now I'll never never wake
Why should I stop thinking about you...

blog on friendster

Friendster now has a blog thing! Yey! At least, one more place to rant! Hahaha. However, I am faced with another problem... what to use as my domain name. This was the same problem I've had before I set this thing up. It took me a while before I decided naming this blog 'on the verge of insanity' (and I have to admit it's really not that catchy, but at least it captured a bit of my personality). Maybe you guys have suggestions on what I will name my blog. I don't want to use 'On the verge of insanity', to avoid confusion (as if!). I'm having difficulty choosing the right words. I wanted it to be unique and catchy and deep and true and sensical and ideal and.. well, I just want it to be perfect! To be sooo me. Like when you hear it, I'll be the first thing on your mind. Can you guys think of the best word to describe me? Maybe you know me better than I do... When you see me, what's the first thing that comes into your mind? Comment!

getting by...

For some twisted reason, I think I'm getting by quite well... maybe because I've been thru a lot of things now and this seems to me like just a small stubble on my finger. And maybe because the people around me have been very supportive, I feel like I will never be alone. That's what makes life all good... only bad thing about life is the one who's living it.. hahaha.

Anyway, we now have a seat plan in the office. So that's one freedom they took from us, to sit wherever we like. It's alright I think, but I just don't see the point of making one when everyone gets to have their own station anyway, regardless of where they sit. Well, there's really nothing we can do but abide by the rules. So the only thing I can do is follow and then rant about it.. thankful that I still have that freedom (to rant). I'd die without it.

and this fateful night..

Okay.. I don't know why fate has been so unkind to me these past few days. Just when the relationship was over, we now see each other almost every day coincidentally. It's so ironic, it's not even funny. It could very much pass as a line on Alanis' song. Just when you gave up on the relationship, it started to look as if it could have worked out.

This time, what happened was when the elevator was going up... I had a funny feeling that I'll see him when I saw that the 29th floor was lit... and when it got to that floor, there he was! Luckily, he was going down and I was able to hide behind the person in front of me. If my heart was any weaker, I could really get a heart attack one of these days. I'll never look at an elevator the same way.

That Fateful morning...

I survived my first encounter with my recent ex this morning on my way home. I embarked the elevator with no knowledge of who I will be sharing it with. When I stepped in, my trainer was there coincidentally. He asked me why I'm not going to the 29th floor before I go home and went on and told him why. He was just in the middle of his sentence saying 'Ah, so wala ka na palang dinadaanan dyan ngayon' when the ex stepped in. Imagine my shock when I saw him. Ever since I worked at PS, I've never coincidentally shared an elevator with him. I silently prayed that he didn't hear anything. He acknowledged my presence by flashing a sheepish smile at me. Maybe he was just as shocked as I was. Because of that shock.. I wasn't able to think straight and the first thing I blurted out was... 'Break?' (Talk about words with double meaning!). He responded by saying he's on lunch and I guess to avoid awkward silence (because the situation in itself is awkward enough), he asked me why I'm going home just now.. and again, because of the shock, I couldn't even remember what I said in response. We left the elevator and we just said goodbye with our brows. That was how I survived my first encounter with my recent ex. Not quite what I wished to happen, but I guess it was bound to happen. I better get ready for fate's next strike...

Loves it

You’ll Be Safe Here
[ Rivermaya ]

Nobody knows
Just why we’re here
Could it be fate
Or random circumstance
At the right place
At the right time
Two roads intertwine

And if the universe conspired
To meld our lives
To make us
Fuel and fire
Then know
Where ever you will be
So too shall I be

Chorus:

Close your eyes
Dry your tears
‘Coz when nothing seems clear
You’ll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Weary heart
You’ll be safe here

Remember how we laughed
Until we cried
At the most stupid things
Like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong

And though the world would
Never understand
This unlikely union
And why it still stands
Someday we will be set free.
Pray and believe

Chorus:

When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here

Save your eyes
From your tears
When everything’s unclear
You’ll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart

When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here

When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here

In my arms
Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You’ll be safe here

When no one understands
I’ll believe
You’ll be safe,
You’ll be safe
You’ll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands
You’ll be safe here

"you're free..."

It's ironic, that this month of hearts.. I let go of the person closest to mine. It was my turn to give a seemingly lousy and invalid excuse. My turn to be the evil girlfriend who breaks up with an angelic boyfriend. (It used to be the other way around) I know it may sound really dumb that the reason for our break up is because we don't have time to be with each other. But it's true. Sounds dumb but its true. We hardly see each other nor talk to each other and the relationship is not stable enough to withstand such absence. I wanted the relationship to work out, but it's just too damn difficult. We can't seem to work it out. My feelings decreased as the time of not being together increased. It waned until I thought I was becoming unfair. And I can say I really was. My guilt consumed me.

All I said was we needed to talk. He didn't like talking, he never did. Even if we were fighting during a phone conversation, he will think of an excuse just to get off the phone. He hates confrontations. But hey, that's not an excuse. It's not like he never confronted me when he confessed his feelings to me, right? But no, the last thing I heard from him was a text message. I felt like I was Carrie Bradshaw, when Berger broke up with her through a Post-it(TM). That simple 'We need to talk', triggered a lot of emotions in him. What struck me the most was when he said 'I'll spare you the trouble, you're free'. It kept repeating inside my head long after I've finished reading it. As much as I want to see him and hold him one last time, he just won't let me. I tried convincing him to talk by all means of communication I know and I am almost ready to give up.

Don't get me wrong, I love the guy, but I just don't think things are working right between us anymore. I feel so bad about letting go of the only guy who has given me the best treatment a girl could ever have. I mean, who doesn't want that. But I don't think I deserve to be treated that way. He deserves somebody better. (I know it's clicheic, but he really does deserve better) I cannot give him the kind of love he deserves. I don't think I'm ready for love after all... It's crazy, I know. A self-confessed romantic who's not quite ready to love...

Perfect Day

My brother got wed last Monday at Lagos Del Sol at Caliraya. That wedding was first in many aspects of my life. That was the first time that I was ever a part of the entourage. That was the first time I've ever cried in a wedding. That was the first garden wedding I've been to. That was the first Christian wedding I've been to. That was the first wedding in my family.

The wedding was so much like a fairy tale wedding that every girl wishes. I felt like I was in a movie! The bride cried the moment she stood up on the aisle (I will too if I was her!). I don't know, everything just seemed perfect. The only thing I hate is the fact that the sun is only shining on the right half of my body. So all I got was a sunburnt right shoulder. So much for a tan!

Anyway, I'm going to be on the graveyard shift starting next week (Another first for me!). At least my rest days will fall on a weekend, so if there will be any family outings.. I won't miss it anymore! I'll be working from 6pm to 3am starting Monday next week. I did not get the really early shifts like 2am, 4am, 5am or 6am because I did not like the idea of waking up before dawn. Also, I didn't want to go home at around noon coz I can't sleep with the noon sun shining so bright. So, I guess this schedule will work for me, I hope. At least, I get night diff.. that's enough compensation...

I Hate Love

Have you ever been in love?

Horrible, isn't it?

It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way to your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that.

Especially not love.

I hate love.

- Neil Gaiman, Sandman: The Kindly Ones