by: Josh Groban
Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are my
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Monday, August 15, 2005
it's a series of unfortunate events
Last Saturday night, my wonderful friends went to an event at Philtrade Center. It looked like fun, it was my first time to go out after... well, you know what. Even though I was surrounded by a lot of beautiful people, the one I'm looking for is not there. But he's definitely on my mind. I silently wished he was there. It felt weird. Too weird that even before the party even began, I got nauseous all of a sudden. Good thing I was with Tatin when this happened. I can barely stand on my two feet, much more walk. I cannot see a thing nor hear a thing. I kept bumping into people, even to a wall because I really cannot see a thing! I was practically like a dead woman walking. When we got out of the place, I got a little breath of fresh air and Tats got me a bottle of water and I instantly felt a little better. (Tats, thank you ha... salamat.. thanks!) I started thinking, I must really be bent out of shape. I can't even stand still for one hour anymore. I got to learn to sleep and eat more soon or it'll be worse. It was really embarassing I tell you. I almost wished for the ground to just open up and swallow me whole. It wasn't the perfect place to go all sick like that all of a sudden. Definitely not good.
After a few minutes of feeling better, my bag got stolen. It was just in front of us and then it got stolen. I mean, could the night get any worse? All my important ID's are there... well, my ATM and driver's license being the most important of all. The money was just a little over 500 bucks. My house keys are there too. A pot of lip gloss and a small bottle of cheap cologne. Everything lost was replaceable. Luckily my celfone was stashed on my pocket. I would rather die than lose that phone coz it contained all of my best memories and that's irreplaceable and not to mention priceless. It's a series of unfortunate events for me... and I'm looking forward to the series of FORTUNATE events... coz I don't know how long I can get on with unfortunate events before I go crazy.
After a few minutes of feeling better, my bag got stolen. It was just in front of us and then it got stolen. I mean, could the night get any worse? All my important ID's are there... well, my ATM and driver's license being the most important of all. The money was just a little over 500 bucks. My house keys are there too. A pot of lip gloss and a small bottle of cheap cologne. Everything lost was replaceable. Luckily my celfone was stashed on my pocket. I would rather die than lose that phone coz it contained all of my best memories and that's irreplaceable and not to mention priceless. It's a series of unfortunate events for me... and I'm looking forward to the series of FORTUNATE events... coz I don't know how long I can get on with unfortunate events before I go crazy.
Friday, August 12, 2005
change
I miss him again... and I seem to miss him much more everyday. I miss him all the time. I miss everything about him. Never a moment passes by without me thinking of him or talking about him. I just can't stop. And how I can feel my heart break every time do. Everything simply reminds me of him. Things are just not the same without him. It's forever changed and that's what I have to live with. That's what we all have to live with. But let's not hesitate to entrust an unknown future to an all-knowing God. When we have nothing left but Him, we'll realize that God is really more than enough. Although my memories of him will definitely not wither with time, I'm sure I'll find the strength to get up again someday.
On to the things currently happening in my life... At work, I volunteered to be transferred to a different skill set. Starting on Monday, I, along with 29 of my team mates, will be trained to make calls. I welcomed the change because doing emails seem to depress me (when I said that everything reminds me of him, it's not an overstatement). I'm actually kind of excited to know what kind of job we'll be doing. It's my first time ever to wear a headset and speak to someone on the other line. I'm excited AND nervous. I'm honestly not that confident with my speech skills. I'm not particularly good in speaking, that's why I remain quiet most of the time. And people are surprised when they find out how talktative I can get on written communication (chat, text, email, blog, etc.). I guess this will be a good time for me to practice and hopefully improve. We'll see about that.
On to the things currently happening in my life... At work, I volunteered to be transferred to a different skill set. Starting on Monday, I, along with 29 of my team mates, will be trained to make calls. I welcomed the change because doing emails seem to depress me (when I said that everything reminds me of him, it's not an overstatement). I'm actually kind of excited to know what kind of job we'll be doing. It's my first time ever to wear a headset and speak to someone on the other line. I'm excited AND nervous. I'm honestly not that confident with my speech skills. I'm not particularly good in speaking, that's why I remain quiet most of the time. And people are surprised when they find out how talktative I can get on written communication (chat, text, email, blog, etc.). I guess this will be a good time for me to practice and hopefully improve. We'll see about that.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
for bubu
Perhaps I spoke too soon... it wasn't the last verse I wrote for him and it wasn't the last pain he made me suffer. He made me cry again, and this by far has been the worst cry I ever did and the pain was the worst feeling I ever felt. Even worse is the fact that the pain does not seem to go away. Every time I remember it, I can feel it piercing my heart. I can literally feel the pain in my heart. Although I know, he never meant to cause such pain.
Admittedly, I've been too selfish because all I really ever wanted was for him to be mine. God made me realize that he belongs to Him. So He took him away. Saved him from all the pains and sufferings of this world. Last Sunday, July 31, 2005, at four in the morning... he went to where he truly belonged.
I was one of the few blessed people who were able to share the last day of his life with him. I felt blessed that I got to talk to him a few hours before he went away. I felt more blessed that I got to tell him the truth, for the last message he received was my affirmation of love for him.
Reliving that Saturday afternoon, it seemed like a perfect day (except I was a little late). The four hours we spent together almost felt like an eternity to me. Even though we see each other every day, I was excited to meet him. We met at MRT Ortigas station and then headed off to Robinson's Galleria. I met Marose at the food court while he waited for me somewhere else. We originally planned to watch "Wedding Crashers", but after seeing that "If Only" was still being shown, he admitted he haven't watched it yet. So we then decided to watch it instead. I can still remember every comment we made on each scene. I can still remember how he wondered how people would react if he would loudly comment on how the guy dies at the end of the movie. While we were watching, he made plans on getting spa treatment together on the next pay day (half of his body was aching that time and I was massaging his hands and arms) and plans to watch "Must Love Dogs" the next time. When we passed by Cravings, he said we would eat there on the next pay day. Both fully unaware that there won't be a next time. I suggested we eat at Shakeys because I know how much he loved thin crust pizza. I ate three slices... he ate five so he MUST love thin crust pizza. He waited till I get on the bus before he get on a taxi to get his car. When I got home, I texted him and then went to sleep for a while. At around 9PM, I got a text from him but I was too sleepy to reply. Then a few minutes after he called on our landline to check if I've been receiving his messages. We talked for a while but then he had to go and meet his sister so I went back to sleep, woke up at 1 am and decided to check up on him. He called on my cellphone and we talked for around five minutes. He sent an MMS and I replied with a text. He admitted he was drunk but he promised he'd be a good boy. I did not exactly know what he meant when he started his text with "Maybe time will come. I've done almost everything..." I shrugged it off, cause he sometimes does not know what he says when he's drunk. I was the last to text him... and I never got my reply.
I woke up without knowing what had happen to him during the night. My phone ran out of battery so I used my mom's phone to text him and ask if he got to basketball practice safely. I did not get a reply. I thought he's probably playing. When I got home and charged my phone, I received the news I never wanted to hear. It says he died on a car accident. The words pierced through my heart but it can't be true. It's just a dumb stupid joke. At first I was too shocked to do anything. Then I tried to confirm it. It cannot be true. Not him. Please not him. I know these sort of things only happen in movies... not in real life. Not in THIS life. In so much denial, I even texted him and asked him to tell me he's okay. I even tried calling him. Until it finally dawned on me... He is gone. That was the time my tears started falling and I did not make any effort to make them stop. It was too much for my weak heart to take. I never had the strength to leave him because I didn't want to lose him... and now he's gone. Whether I like it or not. My heart couldn't take the blow. For days, I wallowed in such deep sorrow. My head couldn't think straight. Nothing seemed to make any sense. I feel like I'm half-a-world away from where I am. I'm lost in my own thoughts trying to justify what had just happened. I was literally on the verge of insanity. If it weren't for the greatest friends and family in the whole world, I would have easily crossed over that line. It is from them, where I found my strength to keep myself together.
I can still vividly remember when he was here, he was a such a loving person, he made sure that there was enough love to go around. He had a very loving heart, which he was never selfish to share to other people. That's why I know he deserves a place in heaven. I recently saw him got irritated about something I did, but I can say he never got mad. Although there was this one time I think he got a little angry when I told him I'll be going home when in fact I'll be eating breakfast with my friends first before I go home. He said it made him worry coz he hasn't received any text that I got home safe. He hates it when I cry. When I cried while watching our last movie together, he was playfully saying 'tahan na'. When he gets an inkling that I'm about to cry over the phone, he comes up with a dumb question just to make me think of something else. We have this habit of associating events that happen to us in a song. If we were to create a soundtrack, it will include "Hari ng Sablay", "You'll Be Safe Here", "Instant Ayos", "Constantly" and "Hanggang Kailan". He has a good memory. He remembers most things I have already forgotten. He remembered that I sat beside him during the company christmas party. He remembered what we ate on our first night out (it was chicken lollipop and gambas at Jack's Loft). He remembered the last movie we watched. He's also very caring. He makes sure that I get home safe, don't skip meals, have enough rest and drink medicine when I'm sick. I can say he definitely knows how to love, anyone who knows him can attest to that. He just doesn't know how to express it in words. He keeps telling me how he admires people who can easily express their feelings in words. Expressing his feelings and thoughts is just not his thing he says. And it's true.
Somehow, I have accepted the reality of life. That people will really come and go as God willed them to. It happens to the best of us. It's something we just have to live with. If God puts you to it, He will help you through it. I never regret any decisions I have made in the past regarding him. I am glad I decided to give it a little more time. Before, I really cannot defend myself on why I could never leave him when I've got all the reason to do so. Now, I think I know why. Everything does happen for a reason and it turned out that my reason was it was all the time I have to be with him and I better make the most of it. And I did make the most of it. At least I had the chance to show him and let him know everything there was to know, for I never held anything back. I am sure I will not wonder "what if" and ask myself "if only", coz I think I've done everything I want to do. I know I should be happy that we've created a lot of memories worth treasuring for the rest of my life. Even if the time we spent together was short, what we've shared at that minute of time was enough for it to last a lifetime. I'll remember him on my each and every waking day. As what was mentioned on the movie we watched, love doesn't end in death. For as long as you have love in your heart, nothing, even death, can put a stop to it. It could even go on forever. It's not going to be easy, and I know I still have a long way to go before I could get over this. All I have to learn is to trust God in his plans. God is yet to make me understand why things had to be this way. One thing's for sure though, that I'll forever be thankful for letting him come into my life.
Bubu, thank you for letting me be a part of your life. For that, my life is forever changed. Thank you for all the love and happiness you made me feel and for all the good memories we have shared. It was all worthwhile. I'll forever do a flashback of all the wonderful things you have done and you'll forever have that special place in our hearts. This is not goodbye for it's never goodbye.. it's only see you later. Just like when you were still here, now you can text me the words: "I'm finally home...".
Aiai terribly misses you and loves you much...
Admittedly, I've been too selfish because all I really ever wanted was for him to be mine. God made me realize that he belongs to Him. So He took him away. Saved him from all the pains and sufferings of this world. Last Sunday, July 31, 2005, at four in the morning... he went to where he truly belonged.
I was one of the few blessed people who were able to share the last day of his life with him. I felt blessed that I got to talk to him a few hours before he went away. I felt more blessed that I got to tell him the truth, for the last message he received was my affirmation of love for him.
Reliving that Saturday afternoon, it seemed like a perfect day (except I was a little late). The four hours we spent together almost felt like an eternity to me. Even though we see each other every day, I was excited to meet him. We met at MRT Ortigas station and then headed off to Robinson's Galleria. I met Marose at the food court while he waited for me somewhere else. We originally planned to watch "Wedding Crashers", but after seeing that "If Only" was still being shown, he admitted he haven't watched it yet. So we then decided to watch it instead. I can still remember every comment we made on each scene. I can still remember how he wondered how people would react if he would loudly comment on how the guy dies at the end of the movie. While we were watching, he made plans on getting spa treatment together on the next pay day (half of his body was aching that time and I was massaging his hands and arms) and plans to watch "Must Love Dogs" the next time. When we passed by Cravings, he said we would eat there on the next pay day. Both fully unaware that there won't be a next time. I suggested we eat at Shakeys because I know how much he loved thin crust pizza. I ate three slices... he ate five so he MUST love thin crust pizza. He waited till I get on the bus before he get on a taxi to get his car. When I got home, I texted him and then went to sleep for a while. At around 9PM, I got a text from him but I was too sleepy to reply. Then a few minutes after he called on our landline to check if I've been receiving his messages. We talked for a while but then he had to go and meet his sister so I went back to sleep, woke up at 1 am and decided to check up on him. He called on my cellphone and we talked for around five minutes. He sent an MMS and I replied with a text. He admitted he was drunk but he promised he'd be a good boy. I did not exactly know what he meant when he started his text with "Maybe time will come. I've done almost everything..." I shrugged it off, cause he sometimes does not know what he says when he's drunk. I was the last to text him... and I never got my reply.
I woke up without knowing what had happen to him during the night. My phone ran out of battery so I used my mom's phone to text him and ask if he got to basketball practice safely. I did not get a reply. I thought he's probably playing. When I got home and charged my phone, I received the news I never wanted to hear. It says he died on a car accident. The words pierced through my heart but it can't be true. It's just a dumb stupid joke. At first I was too shocked to do anything. Then I tried to confirm it. It cannot be true. Not him. Please not him. I know these sort of things only happen in movies... not in real life. Not in THIS life. In so much denial, I even texted him and asked him to tell me he's okay. I even tried calling him. Until it finally dawned on me... He is gone. That was the time my tears started falling and I did not make any effort to make them stop. It was too much for my weak heart to take. I never had the strength to leave him because I didn't want to lose him... and now he's gone. Whether I like it or not. My heart couldn't take the blow. For days, I wallowed in such deep sorrow. My head couldn't think straight. Nothing seemed to make any sense. I feel like I'm half-a-world away from where I am. I'm lost in my own thoughts trying to justify what had just happened. I was literally on the verge of insanity. If it weren't for the greatest friends and family in the whole world, I would have easily crossed over that line. It is from them, where I found my strength to keep myself together.
I can still vividly remember when he was here, he was a such a loving person, he made sure that there was enough love to go around. He had a very loving heart, which he was never selfish to share to other people. That's why I know he deserves a place in heaven. I recently saw him got irritated about something I did, but I can say he never got mad. Although there was this one time I think he got a little angry when I told him I'll be going home when in fact I'll be eating breakfast with my friends first before I go home. He said it made him worry coz he hasn't received any text that I got home safe. He hates it when I cry. When I cried while watching our last movie together, he was playfully saying 'tahan na'. When he gets an inkling that I'm about to cry over the phone, he comes up with a dumb question just to make me think of something else. We have this habit of associating events that happen to us in a song. If we were to create a soundtrack, it will include "Hari ng Sablay", "You'll Be Safe Here", "Instant Ayos", "Constantly" and "Hanggang Kailan". He has a good memory. He remembers most things I have already forgotten. He remembered that I sat beside him during the company christmas party. He remembered what we ate on our first night out (it was chicken lollipop and gambas at Jack's Loft). He remembered the last movie we watched. He's also very caring. He makes sure that I get home safe, don't skip meals, have enough rest and drink medicine when I'm sick. I can say he definitely knows how to love, anyone who knows him can attest to that. He just doesn't know how to express it in words. He keeps telling me how he admires people who can easily express their feelings in words. Expressing his feelings and thoughts is just not his thing he says. And it's true.
Somehow, I have accepted the reality of life. That people will really come and go as God willed them to. It happens to the best of us. It's something we just have to live with. If God puts you to it, He will help you through it. I never regret any decisions I have made in the past regarding him. I am glad I decided to give it a little more time. Before, I really cannot defend myself on why I could never leave him when I've got all the reason to do so. Now, I think I know why. Everything does happen for a reason and it turned out that my reason was it was all the time I have to be with him and I better make the most of it. And I did make the most of it. At least I had the chance to show him and let him know everything there was to know, for I never held anything back. I am sure I will not wonder "what if" and ask myself "if only", coz I think I've done everything I want to do. I know I should be happy that we've created a lot of memories worth treasuring for the rest of my life. Even if the time we spent together was short, what we've shared at that minute of time was enough for it to last a lifetime. I'll remember him on my each and every waking day. As what was mentioned on the movie we watched, love doesn't end in death. For as long as you have love in your heart, nothing, even death, can put a stop to it. It could even go on forever. It's not going to be easy, and I know I still have a long way to go before I could get over this. All I have to learn is to trust God in his plans. God is yet to make me understand why things had to be this way. One thing's for sure though, that I'll forever be thankful for letting him come into my life.
Bubu, thank you for letting me be a part of your life. For that, my life is forever changed. Thank you for all the love and happiness you made me feel and for all the good memories we have shared. It was all worthwhile. I'll forever do a flashback of all the wonderful things you have done and you'll forever have that special place in our hearts. This is not goodbye for it's never goodbye.. it's only see you later. Just like when you were still here, now you can text me the words: "I'm finally home...".
Aiai terribly misses you and loves you much...
Friday, August 05, 2005
love will show you everything
By Jennifer Love Hewitt
From the album "Soundtrack - If Only"
Today, today I bet my life
You have no idea
What I feel inside
Don't, be afraid to let it show
For you'll never know
If you let it hide
I love you
You love me
Take this gift and don't ask why
Cause if you will let me
I'll take what scares you
Hold it deep inside
And if you ask me why I'm with you
And why I'll never
Leave
Love will show you everything
One day
When youth is just a memory
I know you'll be standing right next to me
I love you
You love me
Take this gift and don't ask why
Cause if you will let me
I'll take what scares you
Hold it deep inside
And if you ask me why I'm with you
And why I'll never
Leave
My love will show you everything
My love will show you everything
My love will show you everything
My love will show you everything
From the album "Soundtrack - If Only"
Today, today I bet my life
You have no idea
What I feel inside
Don't, be afraid to let it show
For you'll never know
If you let it hide
I love you
You love me
Take this gift and don't ask why
Cause if you will let me
I'll take what scares you
Hold it deep inside
And if you ask me why I'm with you
And why I'll never
Leave
Love will show you everything
One day
When youth is just a memory
I know you'll be standing right next to me
I love you
You love me
Take this gift and don't ask why
Cause if you will let me
I'll take what scares you
Hold it deep inside
And if you ask me why I'm with you
And why I'll never
Leave
My love will show you everything
My love will show you everything
My love will show you everything
My love will show you everything
take my heart back
By Jennifer Love Hewitt
From the album "Soundtrack - If Only"
It'll be alright
You said
Tommorrow
Don't you cry
Don't you shed a tear
When you wake up
I will still be here
When you wake up
We'll battle all your fears
And now I'll...
Take my heart back
Leave your pictures on the floor
Steal back my memories
I can't take it anymore
I've cried my eyes out
Oh,and now I face the years
The way you loved me
Vanished all the tears
Just a little more time was all we needed
Just a little time for me to see
Oh,the light that life can give you
Oh,how we get such a free
So now I'll...
Take my heart back
Leave your pictures on the floor
Steal back my memories
I can't take it anymore
I've cried my eyes out
Oh,and now I face the years
The way you loved me
Vanished all the tear
From the album "Soundtrack - If Only"
It'll be alright
You said
Tommorrow
Don't you cry
Don't you shed a tear
When you wake up
I will still be here
When you wake up
We'll battle all your fears
And now I'll...
Take my heart back
Leave your pictures on the floor
Steal back my memories
I can't take it anymore
I've cried my eyes out
Oh,and now I face the years
The way you loved me
Vanished all the tears
Just a little more time was all we needed
Just a little time for me to see
Oh,the light that life can give you
Oh,how we get such a free
So now I'll...
Take my heart back
Leave your pictures on the floor
Steal back my memories
I can't take it anymore
I've cried my eyes out
Oh,and now I face the years
The way you loved me
Vanished all the tear
Monday, July 11, 2005
I'm back!!!
I'm back! I took a much-needed week-long vacation last week and I decided to go to.... Baguio! Woohoo! The last time I was there was November last year and we were'nt able to do much cause we only stayed for around 2 days plus the place where we stayed at is a bit far from the city. This time, I stayed there with my mom for almost 4 days (from Tuesday to Friday) and I can say that only now did I realize how lovely Baguio city can be. I wished I had studied there instead. I even felt like I wanted to stay there forever!
The day we left Manila, it was raining hard... and the whole duration of the trip, it was raining. All towns and cities we've passed by are drenched. When we got to Baguio, it looks like it was just about to rain but I really did not mind cause I sooo looove it when it rains! When we woke up the next day, it was still raining hard but no amount of rain stopped us from going to the streets. I even took a 'cold' shower before going out (I was actually turning pale when I stepped out of the shower because of the cold). I loved how the city looked after the rain... with the fog, shiny (and slippery) streets and all. Then, the day after that, the sun began to shine so it's such a blessing that I got to see the city both when it was wet and when it was dry!
So, what did I do for almost 4 days up there? Basically, all I did was walk.. and shop! Shop for my cousins, my sister, my brother, our househelpers, my friends and of course, myself! In just three days, my ATM account is almost empty (except for P93, I think). Good thing we paid in advance for the place we stayed in, coz if not, I don't think we'll be able to pay for it. I really had a hard time controlling myself coz I kept telling myself that it's not everyday that I get to shop at Baguio! I was able to buy more than 15 pieces of clothing (sweaters, jackets, pants, shirts, tank tops) plus a pair of sandals for myself. I each bought a jacket for my brother, my three cousins, some of my friends and two househelpers. I also bought a bag for my sister. Aside from that, I bought a whole lot of goodies (around 9 jars of assorted stuff) and that 'sundot-kulangot' thing (that I really enjoy eating..haha). Oh yeah, my mom and I were also able to watch a movie at SM Baguio and yes, the theater is the only part of the mall with A/C but it's actually colder outside. I didn't like the movie much but its the only option since my mom doesn't wanna watch neither War of the Worlds nor Fantastic Four. When it comes to taking pictures, well, we only got solo shots of each other since there are only two of us, so after I take my mom's pictures, she takes mine! But overall, it was a terrific vacation. I had such a wonderful time and I truly enjoyed every moment I spent there... and I don't mind doing it all over again soon! Hahaha..
Sigh. The day I went back to Manila, I can almost feel all my troubles rushing back and threatening to wipe away the happy smile that has been on my face for four days. I almost feel like I did not want to go back when we were greeted by a bunch of rallyists successfully making the Friday traffic even worse. That's it, I'm officially back to a place of chaos. Plus it's like a thousand degrees here! Haha! Just kidding. Well, at least, I still have a little of Baguio on the pictures I took with my cellphone... and of course, a lot of it on the clothes I will be wearing for the next few days! Hahahah..
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Prelude to Ron's Birthday a.k.a. Team-Building chuva
To change the mood of this sorry blog... why don't we move on to happier thoughts. Last Saturday night, Team Morales decided to spend the night partying at Toot's Manor. Quite timely for me, since I needed a boost of endorphins. That chemical that's responsible for the emotion of happiness. Also, I suggested that we drink 'Chocolate Mudshaker', since chocololate contains phenylethylamine and anandamide. Phenylethylamine works with dopamine in the brain to produce a mild antidepressant effect and anandamide alters brain chemistry to produce feelings of well being and calm. So, scientifically speaking, that night of partying is beneficial for my health. I know, I researched on it. Hahaha.
It was fun really. We started at around 8pm and ended at almost 5am (it was just like doing 9 hours of work). There were no KJ's around so we all had a good time (I know I did). We had a little singing contest. Ron sponsored the prize money and we all tried to vie for the highest score. At the end of the night, Cherry was the one who went home with a fat wallet. I guess its customary for us to leave something broken at Toot's house, the most recent casualty was his 'antique' dining chair c/o Mr. Bactad. Pol and I also managed to loosen some screws on his door. So, many thanks to Mr. Anthony Hernandez for letting us trash his place once again. Here are some snapshots of the event:
We obviously looked starved... and thirsty!
Find Anton on this picture.
Jeefer sings while Brij contemplates on his performance.
Hmmm.. TOUGH competitor.
Here's the man of the house singing while watching over his son who's going down the stairs.
The sup on his usual self.
Pol.. with fan.
The side of Jim that not everybody gets to see (or hear for that matter).
My happy moment. Blame it all on the glassful of chocolate mudshaker on my hand.
Here's the endorphin-producing chocolate mudshaker I've been raving about!!!
Preluders(?!)
Before Sunrise...
and that's just a prelude...
It was fun really. We started at around 8pm and ended at almost 5am (it was just like doing 9 hours of work). There were no KJ's around so we all had a good time (I know I did). We had a little singing contest. Ron sponsored the prize money and we all tried to vie for the highest score. At the end of the night, Cherry was the one who went home with a fat wallet. I guess its customary for us to leave something broken at Toot's house, the most recent casualty was his 'antique' dining chair c/o Mr. Bactad. Pol and I also managed to loosen some screws on his door. So, many thanks to Mr. Anthony Hernandez for letting us trash his place once again. Here are some snapshots of the event:
We obviously looked starved... and thirsty!
Find Anton on this picture.
Jeefer sings while Brij contemplates on his performance.
Hmmm.. TOUGH competitor.
Here's the man of the house singing while watching over his son who's going down the stairs.
The sup on his usual self.
Pol.. with fan.
The side of Jim that not everybody gets to see (or hear for that matter).
My happy moment. Blame it all on the glassful of chocolate mudshaker on my hand.
Here's the endorphin-producing chocolate mudshaker I've been raving about!!!
Preluders(?!)
Before Sunrise...
and that's just a prelude...
Sunday, June 19, 2005
white flag
Note: If you are in any way allergic to too much drama and mush that your stomach couldn't take it, I suggest that you close this window immediately before you get any allergic reactions...
Friday was the last time I saw him. He looked so giddy and so happy that nothing seemed to dampen his spirits. I never saw that look on his face before and somehow, it hurt me that I did not have that kind of effect on him. I did not have the heart to approach him and let my presence be known. Seeing him that happy was enough. It was clearer to me than any words could say. I saw exactly what I needed to see. The battle is over. The white flag is raised.
Then, I remember the night we had the most sensible conversation ever. I remember his words clearly. Why would he choose me and why should he not choose the one that came before me? I know it took a while, but it is just now that I realized the true meaning of what he was saying. Suddenly, everything made sense to me. It was like a slap on the face matched with a splash of ice cold water. It was time to snap back to reality and accept the fact that I can never be her.
My phone has been silent ever since that day. I was half-hoping that he would at least text me. But I guess, he knows its for the best. I hoped he at least missed me or thought about me for one second. But it's almost impossible if you're missing someone else. And I know the bitter fact that I can't compete. I know when I'm no longer needed or even wanted. He did not have to say it, he can't deny it anymore coz I saw it in his eyes. The signs are clear, I'm not what he wanted contrary to what I believed and I know that I have to step back. I have to swallow again the bitter pill I have so gotten used to tasting. I can't pretend that nothing's bothering me or nothing's wrong anymore. Whatever you do, you can never make someone love you. It just does not coincide with the natural order of things.
I cried my eyes out that fateful night. I really did not mean to, but my emotions got the best of me. My pillow was soaking wet with tears and my eyes are all puffy and red. I cried it all out until my eyes ran dry. I cried all the pain away until the hurt subsides. I drowned every pain with every tear that I cried. I cried until I'm tired of crying. I just wanted to forget. I am tired of it all. I'm tired of being in the same situation all over again. I'm tired of thinking and worrying. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of loving and make believing that I am loved. It's time to let it all go. I'm all cried out. And quoting from Pablo Neruda's famous poem 'Tonight I Can Write': Though this be the last pain that he makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for him...
Friday was the last time I saw him. He looked so giddy and so happy that nothing seemed to dampen his spirits. I never saw that look on his face before and somehow, it hurt me that I did not have that kind of effect on him. I did not have the heart to approach him and let my presence be known. Seeing him that happy was enough. It was clearer to me than any words could say. I saw exactly what I needed to see. The battle is over. The white flag is raised.
Then, I remember the night we had the most sensible conversation ever. I remember his words clearly. Why would he choose me and why should he not choose the one that came before me? I know it took a while, but it is just now that I realized the true meaning of what he was saying. Suddenly, everything made sense to me. It was like a slap on the face matched with a splash of ice cold water. It was time to snap back to reality and accept the fact that I can never be her.
My phone has been silent ever since that day. I was half-hoping that he would at least text me. But I guess, he knows its for the best. I hoped he at least missed me or thought about me for one second. But it's almost impossible if you're missing someone else. And I know the bitter fact that I can't compete. I know when I'm no longer needed or even wanted. He did not have to say it, he can't deny it anymore coz I saw it in his eyes. The signs are clear, I'm not what he wanted contrary to what I believed and I know that I have to step back. I have to swallow again the bitter pill I have so gotten used to tasting. I can't pretend that nothing's bothering me or nothing's wrong anymore. Whatever you do, you can never make someone love you. It just does not coincide with the natural order of things.
I cried my eyes out that fateful night. I really did not mean to, but my emotions got the best of me. My pillow was soaking wet with tears and my eyes are all puffy and red. I cried it all out until my eyes ran dry. I cried all the pain away until the hurt subsides. I drowned every pain with every tear that I cried. I cried until I'm tired of crying. I just wanted to forget. I am tired of it all. I'm tired of being in the same situation all over again. I'm tired of thinking and worrying. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of loving and make believing that I am loved. It's time to let it all go. I'm all cried out. And quoting from Pablo Neruda's famous poem 'Tonight I Can Write': Though this be the last pain that he makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for him...
Thursday, June 16, 2005
tagged by vianney :)
Things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play. What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Make a list, post it to your journal... and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it to theirs.
1. read books
2. listen to music
3. blog a.k.a. rant
4. play PC games (NFSU2 or Sims or GTA)
5. walk briskly
6. sleep
7. think of nonsense
8. shop
9. sing out of tune
10. watch tv
how utterly boring can I get? hehehe...
1. read books
2. listen to music
3. blog a.k.a. rant
4. play PC games (NFSU2 or Sims or GTA)
5. walk briskly
6. sleep
7. think of nonsense
8. shop
9. sing out of tune
10. watch tv
how utterly boring can I get? hehehe...
In Memoriam
It has been more than a week since my grandfather (mom's dad) peacefully joined our Creator. I can't really say that we have all gotten used to his absence yet. He is still very much alive in our hearts and minds (I guess he will always be). His death sort of still came as a shock to all of us. He was supposed to be released from the hospital and my mom and her sister were already preparing all the medical stuff he will need at home. But then one afternoon, he just stopped breathing.. and that's it. At 88 years of age, he decided to finally go back to where he truly belonged.
He was a good grandfather. Very loving and caring. A typical grandfather. He loved his children and his grandchildren and his great grandchildren so much and he never hesitated to show it. All of us felt how much he loved us. We all had our moments with him. On my part, the peak of it was when he was still in America. We used to write letters to each other when I was younger and he always sends us all sorts of stuff. I can still remember how excited my sister was when she finally received her dream gadget, a gameboy. I think if I have the option to choose a grandfather, I'd gladly choose him again.
I guess we should really be rejoicing now instead of greaving because we all know where he's going. At least, all his pains have gone away and all that is left is happiness. To my lolo, I am forever grateful for all the wonderful things that you have done for us. I can say that you will be terribly missed but at least, we've got a lot of good memories that we will surely cherish for the rest of our lives. I hope we meet again.. someday.. I sure hope we do..
He was a good grandfather. Very loving and caring. A typical grandfather. He loved his children and his grandchildren and his great grandchildren so much and he never hesitated to show it. All of us felt how much he loved us. We all had our moments with him. On my part, the peak of it was when he was still in America. We used to write letters to each other when I was younger and he always sends us all sorts of stuff. I can still remember how excited my sister was when she finally received her dream gadget, a gameboy. I think if I have the option to choose a grandfather, I'd gladly choose him again.
I guess we should really be rejoicing now instead of greaving because we all know where he's going. At least, all his pains have gone away and all that is left is happiness. To my lolo, I am forever grateful for all the wonderful things that you have done for us. I can say that you will be terribly missed but at least, we've got a lot of good memories that we will surely cherish for the rest of our lives. I hope we meet again.. someday.. I sure hope we do..
Saturday, May 28, 2005
song for the moment
Song Title: Broken Sonnet
Artist: Hale
And now I concede on the night
of this fifteenth song
Of melancholy, of melancholy
And now I will admit in this fourth line
That I love you, that i love you
I don't care what they say
I don't care what they do
Cause tonight I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side
The clock on the TV says 8:39 p.m.
It's the same, it's the same
And in this next line I'll say it all over again
That I love you, that i love you
I don't care what they say
I don't care what they do
Cause tonight I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side
Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And I will never let go, will never let go
I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side
Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And i will never let go, never let go
But still I see the tears from your eyes
Maybe I'm just not the one for you
Artist: Hale
And now I concede on the night
of this fifteenth song
Of melancholy, of melancholy
And now I will admit in this fourth line
That I love you, that i love you
I don't care what they say
I don't care what they do
Cause tonight I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side
The clock on the TV says 8:39 p.m.
It's the same, it's the same
And in this next line I'll say it all over again
That I love you, that i love you
I don't care what they say
I don't care what they do
Cause tonight I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side
Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And I will never let go, will never let go
I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side
Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And i will never let go, never let go
But still I see the tears from your eyes
Maybe I'm just not the one for you
Thursday, May 19, 2005
random 'senti' thoughts
I just started wondering, why won't things just turn out the way you want it to be? Why do things have to seem so unfair on your side? I know they say that you should accept whatever comes to you... and I am accepting it, and sometimes I'm even thankful for it, however, it sometimes feels like I'm swallowing a bitter pill. Sometimes it's really hard to accept the downside of things. I can say I'm happy now and contented with life, but not totally. I know things could always be better. There are things that I wish would happen, although I'm not sure it will... I take the risk anyway, thinking that maybe things will turn out fine in the future. But you can't discount the possibility of things turning out NOT fine. Then, I'll be back to square 1 (even negative 1 if possible). I hate the fact that there are things in life you just can't take control of. Like how other people think or react, especially how other people feel about you. There will always be a risk. There's always a catch to happiness. You can't be happy without feeling sad. Well, its a matter of choice actually. You can't win if you don't fight. I know it might look like I'm fighting a losing battle, but I will regret if I don't fight for it. I'd rather take the risk, than wonder all my life thinking 'what if' and telling myself 'if only'. I know it's a battle I won't regret fighting for and I know all the wounds I will incur will all be worth it in the end. Or so I hope.
* Weird, I started this post with a completely different thought in mind, I've no idea how it came to be what it is now... must be my unconscious mind thinking aloud.
*I know you may not have the slightest idea of what I'm talking about, but maybe some other people will.. who knows?! ;P
* Weird, I started this post with a completely different thought in mind, I've no idea how it came to be what it is now... must be my unconscious mind thinking aloud.
*I know you may not have the slightest idea of what I'm talking about, but maybe some other people will.. who knows?! ;P
"when you love someone, you have to fight for it, that was why i was willing to fight for you... to make you realize how much you mean to me. but when i saw the look in your eyes whenever she's around... i know i already lost even before the fight began..."
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
emotional blackmail
Got this from Cosmopolitan Philippines' April issue:
Well, almost all are painfully familiar to me... so I therefore conclude that I was indeed emotionally blackmailed... but I'm glad that I got myself out of it, coz that was by far, the worst kind of treatment I've had from a person who's clearly not even worth all the trouble. 'nuff said.
Are you a victim of emotional blackmail? You might be setting yourself up for abuse if you allow them to:
* Threaten to make your life difficult if you don't do what they want.
* Constantly threaten to end the relationship if you don't do what they want.
* Tell you or imply that they wil neglect, hurt themselves, or become depressed if you don't do what they want.
* Always want more, no matter how much you give.
* Regularly assume you will give in to them.
* Regularly ignore or discount your feelings and wants.
* Make lavish promises that are contingent on your behavior and then rarely keep them.
* Constantly label you as selfish, bad, greedy,unfeeling or uncaring when you don't give in to them.
* Shower you with approval when you give in to them and take it away when you don't.
* Use money as a weapon to get their way.
If any of these situations sound painfully familiar, you are being emotionally blackmailed. Excerpted from Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward Ph.D with Donna Frazier.
Well, almost all are painfully familiar to me... so I therefore conclude that I was indeed emotionally blackmailed... but I'm glad that I got myself out of it, coz that was by far, the worst kind of treatment I've had from a person who's clearly not even worth all the trouble. 'nuff said.
Friday, April 22, 2005
i hope this thing is true.. heheh
I did an inkblot test online at http://web.tickle.com, which supposedly will reveal my subconscious mind.. this is the result i got:
"Aileen, your subconscious mind is driven most by Kindness
This means you have a deep desire to be kind and fair to others. You may even be preoccupied with finding kindness in the world around you, far more than you realize on a conscious level.
It is possible that the underlying reason you seek kindness in the world around you, is that you fear cruelty, the opposite of kindness. That could drive you to unconsciously project kindness wherever possible into your world. Regardless of its origin, your steadfast adherence to being kind to others is felt by people you are close to.
You are probably more susceptible than others to being overwhelmed by emotions — both yours and others'. It is possible that your unusually empathic nature is a result of your natural sensitivity to others' pain, and your desire to help them avoid it. For this reason, things might affect you more than they affect your friends and family. To protect yourself from too much emotional intensity, you might want to keep an eye out so you can recognize it when it starts. That will allow you to slow things down until you feel grounded again.
Overall, your strong orientation towards kindness gives you an optimistic nature, which translates into you seeing the best in the people around you. Because you're not one to be overly judgmental, others may seek out your company when they need a friend to talk to. People close to you likely know that you care deeply about the inner lives of others and can listen to what they have to say without imposing your views on them.
Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Kindness, there is much more to who you are at your core."
"Aileen, your subconscious mind is driven most by Kindness
This means you have a deep desire to be kind and fair to others. You may even be preoccupied with finding kindness in the world around you, far more than you realize on a conscious level.
It is possible that the underlying reason you seek kindness in the world around you, is that you fear cruelty, the opposite of kindness. That could drive you to unconsciously project kindness wherever possible into your world. Regardless of its origin, your steadfast adherence to being kind to others is felt by people you are close to.
You are probably more susceptible than others to being overwhelmed by emotions — both yours and others'. It is possible that your unusually empathic nature is a result of your natural sensitivity to others' pain, and your desire to help them avoid it. For this reason, things might affect you more than they affect your friends and family. To protect yourself from too much emotional intensity, you might want to keep an eye out so you can recognize it when it starts. That will allow you to slow things down until you feel grounded again.
Overall, your strong orientation towards kindness gives you an optimistic nature, which translates into you seeing the best in the people around you. Because you're not one to be overly judgmental, others may seek out your company when they need a friend to talk to. People close to you likely know that you care deeply about the inner lives of others and can listen to what they have to say without imposing your views on them.
Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Kindness, there is much more to who you are at your core."
Thursday, April 07, 2005
another year older
Time flies by so fast, before I know it, I'm 22. A little bit older, but not a bit wiser.. something must be seriously wrong with me. Another year has passed, and what a year it was for me. I got myself into all sorts of troubles, but somehow I managed to get through (with a little help from my friends). I got through it all, although I got badly bruised and severely wounded. Heck, I may not be a tad wiser, but I sure got a lot stronger. I'm still recuperating, but I'm sure I'll be fine.
Great damage has been done by a person who tried to pull me down (and is still trying to pull me down as of press time). I must have irked the person too much for that person to do something so desperate and foolish. You won't believe how immature adult people can get when they're desperate. I honestly did not intend to irk the person. It wasn't mainly my fault. Whoever said Ignorance is bliss must have not came across with the kind of people I have met. For them, ignorance is something to take advantage of. To the point that it makes you think that ignorance should be equated with stupidity. Maybe I did get a little wiser, because if I wasn't any wiser, I would join in on the childish games that these people are playing. I just wish they take pleasure on what they are doing, for at least they get something out of it. Besides, it isn't the first time that I've let people be happy on my account. What goes around, comes around anyway.
The year that went by made me wish I could turn back time, but then I thought, I wouldn't have met the people who would help me be stronger and make me realize my worth. I wouldn't have met the people who would stand by me no matter what happens. I'd missed out on some of the best things life could offer. Yes, most part of the year was hell for me, but I've also found heaven on some parts of it that is worth going through hell for.
I'll live.. no matter how much people pull me down, I'll always find a way to pull myself up (again, with a little help from my friends AND family). I just want to thank them from the bottom of my heart for giving me the strength and the will to keep living. If it weren't for them, I'd be lost. Most especially I thank the person who works through them, that's none other than God. Now that's a birthday speech!
Great damage has been done by a person who tried to pull me down (and is still trying to pull me down as of press time). I must have irked the person too much for that person to do something so desperate and foolish. You won't believe how immature adult people can get when they're desperate. I honestly did not intend to irk the person. It wasn't mainly my fault. Whoever said Ignorance is bliss must have not came across with the kind of people I have met. For them, ignorance is something to take advantage of. To the point that it makes you think that ignorance should be equated with stupidity. Maybe I did get a little wiser, because if I wasn't any wiser, I would join in on the childish games that these people are playing. I just wish they take pleasure on what they are doing, for at least they get something out of it. Besides, it isn't the first time that I've let people be happy on my account. What goes around, comes around anyway.
The year that went by made me wish I could turn back time, but then I thought, I wouldn't have met the people who would help me be stronger and make me realize my worth. I wouldn't have met the people who would stand by me no matter what happens. I'd missed out on some of the best things life could offer. Yes, most part of the year was hell for me, but I've also found heaven on some parts of it that is worth going through hell for.
I'll live.. no matter how much people pull me down, I'll always find a way to pull myself up (again, with a little help from my friends AND family). I just want to thank them from the bottom of my heart for giving me the strength and the will to keep living. If it weren't for them, I'd be lost. Most especially I thank the person who works through them, that's none other than God. Now that's a birthday speech!
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
first time to be on the beach!
Yes, it's my first time to see sand beside the shore and actually get to walk on it and feel it between my toes! Last Friday, I joined my officemates on a getaway to Puerto Galera! I have to admit that an overnighter is not enough to really have fun on the beach. I didn't even get enough time to shop for souvenirs, pasalubong and stuff. Even without any sleep, I rushed to the beach and took a swim (not minding the stings of the invisible jellyfishes). In just a few hours, I got burnt to a toast. But sooner or later, my lack of sleep caught up with me and I had to dose off (and miss the sunset) so I can recharge for an all-nighter drinking/bonding session.
We hopped from one bar to another, drinking a pitcher of Mindoro Sling on every stop. Surprisingly, the concoction did not take effect at all. It was just like drinking pomelo juice on the beach. Sometimes, a drizzle would threaten to kill the fun, but I think no amount of drizzle could make us hide back to our room. When the night went on, we huddled for the cheapest bottle of Tequila, and the best price we got was P1,600 for a liter, including local lemon a.k.a calamansi, salt and a shotglass. Not bad at all. We gulped down the shots and when a few of us were sprinkled with sleeping dust, we head on to the beach to make 'tambay' and take some 'drunken' pics.
The next morning, I was the last one to wake up.. because I was the one with the least sleep. Anyway, we thought our morning was ruined because it was raining. But God gave us a sign that everything will be alright again.. a rainbow showed up! So, we went snorkeling, and man! It was like straight out of Discovery channel or something. I felt like I was on a big aquarium! I even saw a blue starfish (c/o Abby). Bad thing was I had to get some air after taking a glimpse of the underworld (?!?!) because I was without a snorkel.. (So you can say I wasn't snorkeling after all). Well, I just didn't like the idea of renting one because I don't know whose mouth it has been in (it would feel like I borrowed a toothbrush from a stranger). So, after that we ate lunch and took turns taking a bath and finally prepared to go home.
On the ferry, I was so darn sleepy that I slept right through the dolphins. I didn't even see a single fin. :( Oh well, one thing I learned... never go to Galera sleepless! Coz it's the ultimate party-pooper... Oh well, I'm pretty sure I haven't seen the last of Galera..
Friday, March 11, 2005
for whoever i'm thinking about...
When I'm Thinking About You
The Sundays
Over the rooftops a plane in the sky
Beat of a bass drum cars passing me by
Under a bridge dark then back into light
A river of raincoats and a forest of faces
Still for a moment then red into green
Slow shuffling shoes whisper sight unseen
Row upon row of houses return an empty stare
Letting the daydream for a little while longer
Ah.. yeah...
Hope I'll never wake
When I'm thinking about you
(yeah) hope I'll never wake
Coz now Im thinking about you
Two-minute hailstorm then melts into rain
(oh) sing me a rainbow its sunny again
Swallows overhead while the traffic snarls below
Could I (could I) keep dreaming for a little while longer
Hope I'll never wake
When I'm thinking about you
So that you know - I never want to wake
Coz now Im thinking about you
When you're searching your soul
When you're searching for pleasure
How often, pain is all you find
But when you're coasting along and nobodys trying too hard
You can turn around and like where you are
(yeah and) I hope I never wake
When I'm thinking about you
And I close my eyes (dear)
Now I'll never never wake
Why should I stop thinking about you...
The Sundays
Over the rooftops a plane in the sky
Beat of a bass drum cars passing me by
Under a bridge dark then back into light
A river of raincoats and a forest of faces
Still for a moment then red into green
Slow shuffling shoes whisper sight unseen
Row upon row of houses return an empty stare
Letting the daydream for a little while longer
Ah.. yeah...
Hope I'll never wake
When I'm thinking about you
(yeah) hope I'll never wake
Coz now Im thinking about you
Two-minute hailstorm then melts into rain
(oh) sing me a rainbow its sunny again
Swallows overhead while the traffic snarls below
Could I (could I) keep dreaming for a little while longer
Hope I'll never wake
When I'm thinking about you
So that you know - I never want to wake
Coz now Im thinking about you
When you're searching your soul
When you're searching for pleasure
How often, pain is all you find
But when you're coasting along and nobodys trying too hard
You can turn around and like where you are
(yeah and) I hope I never wake
When I'm thinking about you
And I close my eyes (dear)
Now I'll never never wake
Why should I stop thinking about you...
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
blog on friendster
Friendster now has a blog thing! Yey! At least, one more place to rant! Hahaha. However, I am faced with another problem... what to use as my domain name. This was the same problem I've had before I set this thing up. It took me a while before I decided naming this blog 'on the verge of insanity' (and I have to admit it's really not that catchy, but at least it captured a bit of my personality). Maybe you guys have suggestions on what I will name my blog. I don't want to use 'On the verge of insanity', to avoid confusion (as if!). I'm having difficulty choosing the right words. I wanted it to be unique and catchy and deep and true and sensical and ideal and.. well, I just want it to be perfect! To be sooo me. Like when you hear it, I'll be the first thing on your mind. Can you guys think of the best word to describe me? Maybe you know me better than I do... When you see me, what's the first thing that comes into your mind? Comment!
Monday, February 21, 2005
getting by...
For some twisted reason, I think I'm getting by quite well... maybe because I've been thru a lot of things now and this seems to me like just a small stubble on my finger. And maybe because the people around me have been very supportive, I feel like I will never be alone. That's what makes life all good... only bad thing about life is the one who's living it.. hahaha.
Anyway, we now have a seat plan in the office. So that's one freedom they took from us, to sit wherever we like. It's alright I think, but I just don't see the point of making one when everyone gets to have their own station anyway, regardless of where they sit. Well, there's really nothing we can do but abide by the rules. So the only thing I can do is follow and then rant about it.. thankful that I still have that freedom (to rant). I'd die without it.
Anyway, we now have a seat plan in the office. So that's one freedom they took from us, to sit wherever we like. It's alright I think, but I just don't see the point of making one when everyone gets to have their own station anyway, regardless of where they sit. Well, there's really nothing we can do but abide by the rules. So the only thing I can do is follow and then rant about it.. thankful that I still have that freedom (to rant). I'd die without it.
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