Christmas Eve

It's finally Christmas, and what a way to welcome it. I woke up at 730 pm on the 24th of December, and what do I find? Some of the priceless pictures on my phone, disappeared into thin air, without anyone even touching it. All was left in place of it was a red X (so if anyone reading this knows how to tech it, lemme know). Again, it's automatically restarting itself, and rejecting the correct PIN a few times, and emptying the Inbox on its own. The total free space I now have is 600kb, when previously it was just at 32kb. So meaning, that's more than 500kb worth of pictures lost. It's haunted. Possessed. Screaming for a replacement. Well, I'm sorry, even if you force me to replace it, I don't have the money for it (See "New Acquisition" post). And I won't really "replace" it, because I'd still keep it and I won't sell it.

Well, something good came out of it. Since the Inbox was emptied, there was enough space for all the Christmas greetings I received. I didn't have to go through the trouble of deleting saved messages. But still, I'd rather have the photos back.

I proposed that we attend mass on the night of 24th instead because I had plans for Christmas morning. I planned to visit Bubu on Christmas morning. Then go back home for Christmas Lunch with the family. Then spend time in the afternoon with my best friend (to buy our soon-to-be-married friend a gift). Then play Need for Speed Most Wanted on Christmas night.

But anyway, we all know Christmas is not about me. It's about Him, his birthday. So I shouldn't really sulk about the bad things that are happening in my life. At least for a day, I should forget all about it and be happy because it's Christmas. God's birthday is definitely reason enough to celebrate and be happy... So I'll do everything I can to be happy... and looking at my whole-day plan on spending Christmas, I think they all point to the road to happiness... Merry Christmas everyone! :P

Song For The Moment

Without You
by After Image

I know it's over now
I can't believe we're through
If this is what you need
There's nothing I can do
But where am I to go
What have I to choose
Rememberin' our days
Just makes me want to cry
We tried so hard I know
But still we said goodbye

So where am I to go
What have I to choose
When I built my world around you
Gotten used to see your smile
Hear you whisper late at night
Now I've nothing left to lose
'Cause I know I'm without you

If only fate were kind
Then I'd be holding you
And we'd be like before
But destiny was cruel

So where am I to go
What have I to choose
When I built my world around you
Gotten used to see your smile
Hear you whisper late at night
Now, I've nothing left to lose
'Cause I know I'm without you, oh hoh
Without you, woh hoh
Without you, there's no sunshine
Without you, only rain
And if there is tomorrow
I hope to ease my pain, to ease my pain

Gotten used to see your smile
Hear you whisper late at night
Now, I've nothing left to lose
'Cause I know I'm without you
I know it's over now

New Acquisition

It's December... and the malls are packed with people. At 11:45 am, Park Square 2 is filled with cars up to the 5th floor already, giving as the idea how crowded the malls are gonna be. But of course, it never stopped us from going there. Especially me. Why? Because I can feel that I'll be buying something really costly... But apparently, my mom was thinking of the same thought... and so my one month old credit card has already been pushed to its limit. My mom bought a new carpet, we were supposed to use my sister's credit card, but it didn't work... she knew I already have one, so we used mine instead.

But still, it didn't hinder me from buying something costly for myself... guess what that is... a new digigal camera! I got real envious of my friend who just splurged on a new cellphone and a digicam. Since I really do not wish to replace my phone, I bought a digicam instead! I chose that one, because I got a whole lotta freebies with that purchase. I got a free rechargeable batt with charger (worth a thousand bucks), flashlight, a rewards card for that store and other affiliated stores and 13 raffle coupons. I didn't tell my mom about my recent purchase yet, because I don't really know how she'd react. But knowing her, she might already know, if not she'll find it out sooner than expected...

November

November ends... and I only made two posts... and so now I'm going to cramp everything else in one post to make up for all those times I forgot to post or I was too tired or too lazy to write.

Anniversary. I might be developing amnesia. I forgot the death anniversary of a dear friend who passed away four years ago. She was my Science teacher on my first year of High School. The only teacher I've grown closed with and stayed in contact with until she went away. But good thing is I always pray for her for all those times I remember her. Like Bubu, I also wished she was still here. I can only imagine the stuff I'd be telling her if she was still around.

Shopping. for the most part of the month, I was not at work. I got two weeks off if you add it all up. Because I got three rest days (Mon, Tues, Thurs) if I go on leave on a Wednesday, that would be four days off. Then add the days where we were forced to go on leave... All in all, i got two weeks were I got 5 or 6 consecutive days off. Where did I go? I wished I could go to the beach, but thinking of the money I'd be spending... I rather go shopping. And I did! For this month, I bought four tank tops, few shirts, one capri pants, pouch bags, stuff for my hair, some gifts, pens, and all sorts of stuff I don't remember. I also got the Starbucks 2006 Planner! I completed the sticker album in two weeks! But it turns out, I won't be able to use it until the last week of December. So much for all the excitement.

Milestone. Had an argument with one of my closest friends. Over something quite trivial if you ask me. I was going on my way... telling him how my day went, like usual and then he suddenly started acting all weird on me. Made me feel like going out with an old flame is a crime. On my part, I don't really see anything wrong with it because I consider it just like hanging out with a friend. I don't do dates. He, of all people, should know that I'm not exactly ready to go on dates yet. Let alone, be involved with someone. And even if I was ready, I don't think he really should be acting that way. Quite uncalled for, which somehow made me lose my cool. Told him I'm not exactly enjoying the conversation, started giving one-word answers then decided to give it a rest and slept on it. After a few hours, he realized he was wrong and he immediately apologized. It was really just a petty fight, didn't even last a day... not that I want it to.

Birthday. It was one of my college friend's birthday, and I filed a leave for it because I know we would be spending the night at his place. However, I felt guilty somehow, that our groups seemed like the anti-social group. We didn't join his other friends on their drinking session, instead we huddled inside his room and took over his new cool pc. We had our own party and of course, my friend didn't look too happy about it. We were such party poopers.

November... still not so much of a great month for me. December isn't looking too good either. But, who knows...

Burnout

a dead guy asked God for one last day on earth to see and be with his girl... God granted the wish but too bad God also granted his girl's wish: to die for a day to see and be with him... one last time

The day I received this text message... it struck me so hard that even if I just woke up... I cried. I know the sender of the message didn't mean to send it, because she had no idea whatsoever about my situation and all. But just to give her a hint, I told her that I wish God can grant such wishes sometimes...

At this age of 22, I feel like I'm tired of life already. I feel like I've seen it all and I've done it all. I'm done with all the negativity in life. I'm burnt out. My best friend says I experienced too much too soon... and I couldn't agree more.

It's not that I'm being ungrateful of the life that was given to me... of course I'm thankful that my heart's still beating but with the way things are going, I'm not exactly sure I'd be able to survive long enough. It's just so freakin' hard. I've tried my very best... and I AM still trying... but it's really not helping that much... I've tried all approaches I know and I'm currently running out of ideas... I don't really know what to do anymore. Friends are a great help, but they can only take you so far. When I'm alone, I've to rely on myself. The rest is still really up to me. It appears I'm not really good with helping myself. I can help other people, but I can't help myself. I feel like I'm slowly letting myself down.

I sometimes feel like my blog really sucks (as what Jeff said on my tagboard). Another said it's too heavy. Too depressing to read. It's such a sorry blog. A great depiction of my sorry self. Maybe I should rename this as "The Great Depression" or something. Okay, enough already...

Todos Los Santos

Yesterday, like many families around the country, we visited our dearly departed relatives. I woke up at 7am after sleeping like a log for eleven hours. Our tito sent the all-new Nissan Urvan to fetch us since our driver is unavailable. So we set out first to go to Holy Cross Memorial Park before going to Bulacan. I was about to blog about the trip using my mobile phone but then I realized that I can only write a limited number of characters that even my introduction won't fit. So I decided to make a mental note of the trip instead.

We took a never-before-seen alternate route to Holy Cross Memorial Park. We made a wrong turn at first and ended up at a dead end on a steep and narrow road. Then we tried again, we took a turn on the right corner and the rest is an Amazing Race Family Edition experience. The signs we were trying to follow are so miniscule, it's so easy to miss it. Good thing my cousin has where's-waldo-trained-eyes that we were able to follow the miniature signs. On every turn, the road becomes narrower and narrower and then on the last turn we got to what seemed like a private property, that we're starting to wonder if we're on the right road. We continued on and we finally got to our destination at half the time it would have taken us if we took the road we used to take. Turns out it was the back gate. It does pay to take the road less travelled.

There weren't as much people as I've expected, but apart from that, everything seemed normal. We lit our candles, said our prayers, cleaned a little, ate our lunch, waited for the next batch of relatives and then left for Bulacan. We got there at around 2 pm . Like usual, we walked around the house and looked for interesting stuff. My tito is part of the production team for Encantadia (if I'm not mistaken, production director I think), so some of the props (and even the clothes) and some other stuff are there at the house. Also, my tito has a new gadget, he's got a laptop! And he showed us some pictures from the shooting. Then we saw Phantom of the Opera lying around on the table, so we watched it on his laptop. It was a nice movie and I liked the songs. Very theatrical. Me and my sister sat through it for more than 2 hours. I liked the movie, but not as much as I liked his laptop! Then, after eating a delicious palabok they bought somewhere, I took my usual afternoon nap. I woke up to eat dinner and right before we slept, my tito told us a scary story that's happening at our house. Our house is a really old spanish house complete with capiz windows, pillars and all that. The front road is almost like a main road where buses, jeepneys and tricycles drive by. He said some jeepney drivers asked him about an old lady standing upstairs by the window looking sternly at them. Apart from that, they also saw a beautiful lady in red clothing by the window. There are no longer any old ladies living in our house and no, I wasn't standing by the window wearing red (hehehe). It seems that they are pertaining to one of our lolas who died last 2003 (she's known to be masungit, so I guess that's her). So as not to scare the other people, they just made up names when they ask who it was. As for the beautiful lady in red, it was the life-size statue of the Virgin Mary that we have upstairs. La Virgen Dolorosa I think. (Sorry I wasn't able to take a picture of her but it's the one where she was crying and there's a stabbed heart on the chest). Every year during Holy Week, she's always a part of the procession. Way back when my tito's mom was still alive, she saw that beautiful lady in red lying down the bed. Quite miraculous they say but it scared me.

We visited the grave of my tito's mom, our lola, this afternoon. He made a theme for this year's Undas. This year, it's chinese (they say next year it's Filipiniana). It was complete with red rectangle-shaped papers around the grave, chinese lanterns, incense sticks, round fruits, chinese music, chinese food, chopsticks (on my hair) etc. My tito even donned a chinese outfit. All the people passing by never failed to look our way, one man even spilled the spaghetti he was carrying because he was too busy looking. My tito really knows how to attract attention from people. Here's a blurry picture of it:



I was planning to drop by Bubu's wall on our way home, but then we got home a bit late (around 9 PM). So I promised that I'd visit him tomorrow. Last Sunday, I bought a frame for the wallet size picture I got from Ate Danette and I can bring it whenever I visit him. I'm quite excited to see the finished columbarium, Ate Danette said the fountain near his wall is finished already. The last time I visited, I think they were just halfway through and so I couldn't stay longer. Now I can stay as long as I want!. Hehehe. I'll see yah tomorrow Bubu! ;P

Not All Exes Can Be Friends...

I have proven this just the other night. For the longest time, I was keeping in touch with an ex-boyfriend (from around three or more years ago) in hopes that we can be friends. He has a girlfriend (who's been with him for almost two years now I think) and he knows about my current situation. He was sympathetic about it at first, however, when we talked about plans on hanging out, we ended up arguing. Why? Because of his, somehow, indecent proposals... and what's even ridiculous is that he seriously thinks there's absolutely nothing wrong with it! I made it clear that I wanted us to be friends. I expect to be treated that way only and nothing more. It seems that he still did not see my point, no matter how many times I explain. So, I asked him if he still thinks I'm not over him. And believe me, he had the nerve to say yes. OH PUHLEEEZ! I tried to make him understand again how I certainly do not wish for us to be back in a relationship because whatever romantic feelings I had for him has completely vanished into thin air. I even told him that I would even help him should he have any problems with his girlfriend. I have no intentions whatsoever to be involved with him again. Bottomline: I refused to go out with him because of the indecent proposals. He was sounding more psycho as the conversation went on.

As it turns out, that was all he wanted. When he finally got the point that I don't want to go out with him in any other way but as friends. He said "what's the point?". I almost wanted to just bang my head on the wall. So I gave up, I told him that I guess he's not mature enough to look beyond the past. I am in good terms with my other exes, and we absolutely got no problems being friends. But there always has to be an exception... and it has to be him. I told him that all I can offer him is friendship and if he chooses to deny it then I will respect it. Then he asked me for a favor. Here's an excerpt from the conversation:

X: will u do me a favor
me: wat
X: dont entertain me
me: as you wish..
X: regardless if am the 1 hu started 1st or watever, just dont talk to me
X: k
X: thanks
me: why cant you stop yourself from talking to me?
X: coz ur still in my list

I know, what an excuse. (I never really initiate conversations with him, even if he WAS on my list. it was him who oftens initiate it). The heated conversation continues:

me: well then remove me from your list
X: i will
me: if it's that difficult for you
X: NO
me: i dont know.. maybe you're just not mature enough
me: you cant even make your exes your friends
me: you can't see past it (the EX label)
X: coz i choose not to
me: coz you cant
X: ex is not a friend.....wats d use

So, basically, he couldn't see the point why exes can be friends... and I respect that. But he continued bickering until I got extremely irritated that even when he was still typing, I quickly clicked on the "Ignore" button. It's funny... he's the oldest ex (in terms of age) I have.. and yet he acts so immature. He was like that when we were still together... I guess some people never change.

Actually, when you come to think of it, it's not so bad that we're not friends... besides, I choose my friends well... and he was kind enough to help me make the right decision not to include him! Hahahahaha... ;P

Subconscious Mind

I woke up smiling today, coz I had one of the greatest dream I can remember. I dreamt of him today. It was really short, but vivid. He was there but it's as if that everybody knows he was away for a long while. It seemed that he just came back from a long vacation and I was sort of taking his clothes out of what seems like his luggage (how I wish it was really just that or maybe that's what my subconcious mind wants to believe). He was just like how he was when he was still here. Perky, jolly, lively, cheerful and can't stay put in one place. I remember I was telling him to stop moving around so much, he told me he can't because he has a lot of people to make happy, then he continued bouncing off the walls (not literally of course). Then, my mom woke me up coz it's time for work... sigh.

I spoke to him before I slept that afternoon, and I was telling him how much I miss him and how I wish to see him... and then by some miracle, I dreamt about him! I guess he's really just around. So, when I risked looking like a crazy person talking to no one, I was being heard after all...

Not A Perfect Day

When I woke up today, I sort of knew this was not my day. First, today is the day I go back to work after five consecutive days of not working (somehow, my rest days got accumulated). Second, I really HAVE to go to Diliman to do some research (Have, meaning, I don't want to but I need to). These are the thoughts in my mind the moment I woke up and that's not exactly how I wanted to welcome an otherwise beautiful day.

I left the house at 9am and I rode a jeepney going to Guadalupe (MRT). It slipped my mind that it's rush hour so the traffic is at its worst. What would normally take 15 minutes, took me an hour. Had I known that, I could have just taken a bus to MRT Buendia and so I wouldn't be as sweaty as I was when I got there. But at least, I got there in one piece. Went down at Quezon Avenue and almost got lost with the new loading zones.

Then I finally got to UP Diliman. So I went to library number 1, and got the book I needed. I thought my luck was starting to change but when I got to library number 2, my whole world crumbled. Nope, it's not because I didn't get the books I needed. My trip to library number 2 was successful (but the trip to library number 3 is not because it's already closed). Something rather unfortunate happened to my phone. It was acting up this morning, even with a newly recharged battery, it hangs. Then it's not accepting the correct PIN code. Then I keep losing signal. While I was walking towards library number 2, my phone memory is full of messages and I planned to deal with it when I get to my destination. Then the next time I looked at it... it's no longer flashing that yellow envelope signaling that I'm out of space... and the word INBOX is grayed out... my heart started to race as I click on it.. half-expecting that I'm just dreaming... then I saw the last thing I ever want to see happen on my phone.. NO MESSAGES. I almost wanted to cry and throw my phone out of the 3rd floor window. All his recent messages that I've been guarding like my life depended on it, gone in an instant, without warning and without a trace. I even refused to buy a new phone because his messages are stored in the phone memory and if I remove the sim card, it will all be gone. What's even frustrating is that this morning, I already freed up some space on my sim memory so that I can store the 20+ messages from him later on the day. It was lost before I had the chance to move them. They are nothing but a memory now. I almost wanted to collapse right then and there.

I quickly texted his sister, Ate Danette and two of my friends and told them about it (cause I was about ready to cry at that time and telling people how I feel really helps to make me feel better). She told me maybe it's God's way of telling me to move on. It's the same thing my friend told me. Coincidentally, I received their messages only seconds apart. Yup, maybe that's a sign... maybe I just didn't want to think of it as that (read: denial). I'm just quite not ready to let go... I'm sorry.

And so I visited him today (luckily I didn't get lost). But then, there are too many workers around (since the building is not yet finished and they're trying to complete it by November) and so I couldn't have a quiet moment with him. I think I have even stepped on a wet cement and quickly apologized to the worker who's, uhm.. working on it. Plus the sun was shining so brightly and I do not have anything to shield myself from it's strong rays. Fortunately though, the guard was an angel and was kind enough to lead me to his wall and lend me an umbrella and even offered to get me a chair. I said he doesn't really need to for I won't stay long (it's past 3pm and I got work later at night plus I haven't even had my lunch yet and I was about ready to faint). I stared at the wall for a while, whispered things to him while looking at his name on that wall while fighting back tears that are threatening to fall. Before I left, I promised I'd go back at a much better time.

And so I decided to go home and rest and eat, rode an FX to Buendia, again without realizing that it's a Friday thus it's traffic in Quiapo. I got home tired and hungry. So after eating a hearty meal, I snoozed for a few hours before I get myself ready for work. And that was practically how my day went. Certainly not perfect, but it was definitely meaningful and absolutely not a waste.

"THE" Reply

I was actually expecting a longer reply to my email, but I guess I didn't leave much for you to reply on... there's really not much to say...

I guess we did agree on most parts, however, I know you wish that my answer was based on the negativity that you were more or less showing. But then, I think it was better to base it on what is really there to begin with and not on what is lacking. I was real honest with my reasons because I think you deserve to know the truth. I am sorry if the truth has scarred you. You know it was really not my intention.

Also, you don't have to blame yourself, as you have said it, maybe the pressure around us was partly to blame so it was really not mainly your fault. There are some situations where we are not in control of. Some things are really bound to happen, I guess. As what I kept telling you, it is better to take the risk than to wonder all your life "what if" and telling yourself "if only" (seems like I should make this my motto coz I have sooo often used this line). At least, somehow, you found your peace.

I'm also sorry if I gave you any false expectations. I'm sorry if I seemed so cruel by not telling you right away. But you know how I'm not used to turning people down. You know how hard it is for me to be upfront with my answer, no matter what the circumstance is, especially when the answer is "no". The nearest answer I can give to a "no", is a "maybe" or a "why not". I am just not that good with negativity. I wasn't built that way.

At least, there's still something good that came out of this situation. I mean, at least, the friendship was still saved somehow. If anything, I think it made the friendship even stronger (although there was a time when we kept on arguing and it seemed that the friendship was on the brink of falling apart but then, things changed for the better). A lot better than what we have expected it to turn out. Like I told you, things will straighten themselves out eventually.

For what it's worth, thank you for understanding the situation I am in and for all the things you have done. I am sure you'll eventually find the happiness you truly deserved. I may still be on the way to recovery... and God only knows when I will finally have the strength to live again... but somehow, it's reassuring to know that you're still there in spite of everything...

Comfort Zone

I know its been months since he was gone. But I still can't stop thinking about him and wishing he was still here. I hate being alone because it makes me miss him even more. I really do not know if I'll ever get over it all. It's just, I don't know, too damn hard! Before I've been telling him how I cannot seem to last a day without him. Now I realize how true it seems. He just became my world and now I can't get back to how I was before he came. He became sooo much a part of my life that I feel like I'm severely crippled.

And sometimes, I feel like I do not want to get over it. Now, the feeling that is emerging is one of fear. I fear for the day that I might forget everything about him. Over time, I might forget how it feels to be with him. I might forget how it feels to hug him, hold him or kiss him. More importantly, I might forget the feelings I have for him. I might forget all the wonderful memories we've shared. Basically, I have decided to live in the past. I honestly refuse to move on for the meantime. I just don't want to forget and I don't want to do anything that would make me forget.

Just the other day, I've watched the movie 'My Sassy Girl". A romantic comedy about real life incidents (they say) written by Kim Ho-sik that tells about his weird relationship with his eccentric girlfriend. I could totally relate to the girl in the movie and I wish I can get a transcript of that girl's letter. I'm planning to watch it again soon, but not until I have more than 2 hours free time coz the movie is THAT long. But still, I so love that movie. Plus the timing when I watched it can't be better.

On other news, there are a lot of changes going on in the workplace. Now they've become stricter than ever. First, they prohibit the use of cellphones on the floor. Then, they prohibit browsing on workstations even if you're just checking mail. Now, they made a policy which prohibits bringing of personal belongings onto the Operations Floor. Now, ain't that crazy talk? We have to stow our stuff in our lockers before proceeding to our respective workstations like it's a baggage counter. The locker is not even that big enough. If I place my pillow and blanket there, there won't be enough space for my other stuff! What's even worse is that two people share one locker. Outrageous. But wait, there's more! We're no longer allowed to post stuff on the monitor frame or cubicle wall. Not even a simple note unless approved by the manager. Also, nothing should be left under or on the desk after shift. Not a single manual or clearbook. They've even installed surveillance cameras to make sure I won't sleep even during my lunch time. I guess they were bitten by that Big Brother bug. Next thing you know, we'll be in uniforms. I mean, what kind of work environment is that? I feel like I'm in military school for crying out loud! And they're expecting us to treat the workplace as if it's "Home Sweet Home"? Well, they can expect mass resignation anytime soon. We're all honestly just waiting for our 13th month pay and then we'll probably say goodbye to "Home Sweet Home". If I seriously don't have bills to pay right now, I would have chosen to be unemployed by now.

Obviously right now I hate changes. I do not want to leave my comfort zone, a good friend had observed. Recently, I have refused another substantial change to happen. It was time that I become honest and tell the person what I really think before he thinks I'm using him or taking advantage of the situation. It wasn't easy really but it was somehow poisoning the friendship. I just hope he does not go into bouts of self-pity again and think it's all his fault cause it's really nobody's fault. I don't exactly know the gravity of what I've done, but I feel like I'm gonna know soon. I'm afraid I might not like it. The truth does set us free, but telling it is never easy. And it does more than set us free. Sometimes, the consequence is not what we hoped it to be. As for me, I'm still wishing everything will be alright... back to how it was before. Sigh. The past can be so enticing sometimes. If I can travel through time, I'd rather go to the past than the future. The closest thing to time travel that I can do is to sleep and dream. It's truly my favorite "past time". :)

just trying this thing out

this is cool, i can actually email my blogger and then it will... erm, it
SHOULD.. be automatically posted.. let's try this..

Of Dreams and Memories

Just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on HBO. It gave me a headache, but I can say that it was well worth it. It's a good movie because it makes you realize how precious memories are and how erasing it will only make matters worse. I mean, it's worse enough that you no longer have the person... what's worse than erasing whatever you have left of him/her. Before, I honestly wished I could have selective amnesia so that I can erase certain memories off my mind. But then, I wouldn't be what I am today without them (I know it sounds clicheic). So from then on, I learned how to cherish memories, both good and bad... only now, I concentrate more on the good ones.

Anyway, for the first time in a long time (I know it doesn't sound right), I dreamt of him! Although it was really reeeeaaaalllyyy short, I don't care (I just took a nap anyway so it's supposed to be short). I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car, and he was driving. The car seat is white. I was complaining, telling him he doesn't hold my hand while he's driving anymore. And he said his hand is on the clutch. After changing gears, he reached for my hand and held it... placed it on his lap. Just like before. At last, after all those sleep I've been doing, I got to see him and be with him in my dreams. That is why I keep sleeping whenever I get the chance... to be with him even for just a moment.

Thank God It's Saturday

Anyway, I went out with my college friends last night because it was Ana's birthday. I honestly did not think the plan to meet up would push through. We were all supposed to meet up at six in the evening. I was waiting for a text from whoever gets there first just to know if it will indeed push through. At quarter till 7, Ana texted me asking where I am. That was the only time I moved my feet to get ready to go.

We ate at Outback Restaurant at Glorietta. It was my first time to eat there. When I saw the menu, I remembered why I never ate there. The prices are ridiculous. Their 9-ounce steak is worth P895 a meal! I know the serving is generous and the food is not bad at all. But P895? That's almost enough to pay for my monthly internet subscription! And it's not even the most expensive meal on the menu, I saw one which is worth almost 2 grand I think. WOW! Only Ana can spend that much to treat us to a fine dinner. (And I forgot to ask if I can have the receipt so I can have it recorded for points for my Ayala Discount Plus.) Heheheh.

So after that, we were supposed to go to Capone's so that I can still be with them since my office is only a couple of blocks away from there (I've work on Saturday night. It sucks, I know). But unfortunately, that little bar is too crowded. It's sooo overcrowded that people are actually spilling out on the sidewalk. So I was faced with a tough decision. I was torn between going to work on time or show up late... or don't show up at all. Showing up late got the best of me so we decided to go to Greenhills.

We hanged out at Oyster Boy, met my friend's boyfriend and had a few drinks. After I finished a bottle, I started missing Bubu again because three of my friends are with their special someones. The last time we all got together like this, we were all at the UP Fair and I was with Bubu. God, I miss him... I'd give anything just to have him back (and I can almost hear someone say "here we go again". Hahaha.) Spare me a few lines of nostalgia, okay?!

So moving on, after finishing my second bottle, we left at quarter till two. They dropped me off at the office and I was officially three hours and three minutes late. I almost wished I went home instead, but somehow I mustered enough strength to work. I was even more productive than I was the day before. No fuss! It's not everyday that Ana turns 22, right? Thanks Ans, sorry I had to be the party pooper! Advanced happy birthday!! :)

Long Overdue Revamp

I'm planning to change the layout of my blog. I just got bored with my first-ever-shot-at-designing-my-blog-that's-why-it-looked-so-lame layout. Therapy you may call it. Although I still kept the old template, you know, sentimental value. I just do not know when I will have the time and effort to create a new and improved layout. Stay tuned. ;)

just like family

Last Thursday, September 8th was Bujing's 40th day. A mass was celebrated at ate Danette's house and dinner came after. I was both excited and nervous on going because it's the first time I'll meet his family and relatives with my identity already known. Although I was already acquainted with most of them through the pictures he had shown and stories he had told before, I never really got the chance to meet them when he was still here.

Before we got there, I felt a bit uneasy because I do not know what to expect or how I should act. For days, I was actually trying to anticipate what might happen but I really do not have a clue. But when we got there, all those negative feelings went away. Somehow, I almost felt like he was just there. It was almost as if, all feelings of misery was replaced with bliss. Coz I know I was around the people whom Bujing loved the most and I was blessed to be one of them.

I was the only one among my colleagues who's on leave, and I couldn't decide right away if I would stay alone or leave with them. But they know I wanted to stay (coz they know how much I love talking about him [Jeff can attest to that] and they know how much it would help) so I made up my mind to stay when ate Danette asked me to. And I'm glad I did stay. I was a little shy coz I know I'm practically a stranger to them. But a stranger I never felt I was when I was with his family. They were very warm and accommodating, I instantly felt I was just like family. I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions. Happy that I finally got to meet them and sad that I was not able to share such a wonderful moment with him. His whole family was great and I readily understood why he loved them so much. They were such pleasant people and I really had a great time with them. Being with them somehow filled an empty space in my heart. So, if anyone who was there gets to read this, thank you sooo much for making me feel welcome. It was really nice to meet all of you for the first time, and I sure hope it's not the last. :)

the month of july

I know this post may seem long overdue because it’s been a month since July happened. But, whaddya know… I won an eRep Excellence Award for July! (Which I only learned recently so don’t blame me) Hurray for me! Oh and yah for Ron too, who bagged the Super Sup Award! Yey! (Hmm.. so where’s my buffet breakfast, Ron? Just kidding! uhm, okay, half-kidding! hahaha!)

July was a month where all things good and bad happened. It was the only month that I felt extreme emotions (both happy and sad). It did not start well at all because I was a wreck on the first week. I went through what others might call an emotional breakdown. I was so down that I had to spend a week out of town just to redeem myself. It did me good. I was able to think about stuff, clear my mind of clutter, spend quality time with my mom, relax, unwind, and of course, shop. Then when I got back, the last two weeks of the month was the best two weeks of my life. My emotions took a sudden turn for the better. I was happy, inspired, full of life… and love. I remember one of my friends at work even jokingly told me “Baka mamatay ka nyan bukas sa sobrang saya mo”. And then on the last day of the month, I didn’t die but the happiness was truly taken away.

I’m still not over it yet, I’m sorry. I still cry almost everyday when I remember. I don’t know what stage of grief I am in now but I’ll take my time. My body is not responding well to the drastic changes in my life. I’m not as resilient to change as I thought I was. I can’t eat right. When I’m at work, I’ll get really hungry but as soon as I see food, I won’t feel like eating anymore. My sleeping pattern is abnormal. No matter how late I stay up, I still wake up early. My mood swing is getting on a new level. I’m all hyper and jolly one day and then all clammed up and anti-social the next day. Sometimes, I feel like time stood still. Sometimes, I even lose the will to live… (I said sometimes, don’t worry, I won’t do anything stupid).

The only thing, which I’m always thankful for and that keeps me going, is the people around me. Like what I said before, they are the source of my strength. I was even touched to know how some people would share words of encouragement even though they do not know me personally. Even though I was not able to meet them when Bubu was still around, I’m glad I still got a chance to know some of the wonderful people in his life. Somehow, it makes me feel like he’s still here. It’s true, love really does not end in death. It lives on and never leaves.

To Where You Are

by: Josh Groban

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are my
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

it's a series of unfortunate events

Last Saturday night, my wonderful friends went to an event at Philtrade Center. It looked like fun, it was my first time to go out after... well, you know what. Even though I was surrounded by a lot of beautiful people, the one I'm looking for is not there. But he's definitely on my mind. I silently wished he was there. It felt weird. Too weird that even before the party even began, I got nauseous all of a sudden. Good thing I was with Tatin when this happened. I can barely stand on my two feet, much more walk. I cannot see a thing nor hear a thing. I kept bumping into people, even to a wall because I really cannot see a thing! I was practically like a dead woman walking. When we got out of the place, I got a little breath of fresh air and Tats got me a bottle of water and I instantly felt a little better. (Tats, thank you ha... salamat.. thanks!) I started thinking, I must really be bent out of shape. I can't even stand still for one hour anymore. I got to learn to sleep and eat more soon or it'll be worse. It was really embarassing I tell you. I almost wished for the ground to just open up and swallow me whole. It wasn't the perfect place to go all sick like that all of a sudden. Definitely not good.

After a few minutes of feeling better, my bag got stolen. It was just in front of us and then it got stolen. I mean, could the night get any worse? All my important ID's are there... well, my ATM and driver's license being the most important of all. The money was just a little over 500 bucks. My house keys are there too. A pot of lip gloss and a small bottle of cheap cologne. Everything lost was replaceable. Luckily my celfone was stashed on my pocket. I would rather die than lose that phone coz it contained all of my best memories and that's irreplaceable and not to mention priceless. It's a series of unfortunate events for me... and I'm looking forward to the series of FORTUNATE events... coz I don't know how long I can get on with unfortunate events before I go crazy.

change

I miss him again... and I seem to miss him much more everyday. I miss him all the time. I miss everything about him. Never a moment passes by without me thinking of him or talking about him. I just can't stop. And how I can feel my heart break every time do. Everything simply reminds me of him. Things are just not the same without him. It's forever changed and that's what I have to live with. That's what we all have to live with. But let's not hesitate to entrust an unknown future to an all-knowing God. When we have nothing left but Him, we'll realize that God is really more than enough. Although my memories of him will definitely not wither with time, I'm sure I'll find the strength to get up again someday.

On to the things currently happening in my life... At work, I volunteered to be transferred to a different skill set. Starting on Monday, I, along with 29 of my team mates, will be trained to make calls. I welcomed the change because doing emails seem to depress me (when I said that everything reminds me of him, it's not an overstatement). I'm actually kind of excited to know what kind of job we'll be doing. It's my first time ever to wear a headset and speak to someone on the other line. I'm excited AND nervous. I'm honestly not that confident with my speech skills. I'm not particularly good in speaking, that's why I remain quiet most of the time. And people are surprised when they find out how talktative I can get on written communication (chat, text, email, blog, etc.). I guess this will be a good time for me to practice and hopefully improve. We'll see about that.