Heavy Heart

I have been posting on my Tumblr too much and it has gained some following so I figured I should post here the things that may not be too comfortable to share but just want to get it out there (for sanity's sake).

Almost two months after, I feel like I am back to where I started. This moving on thing is really not working well with me. When I think I'm making progress, one day I just suddenly find myself back to square one.

Physically, I am feeling every pain in my heart; my heart feels heavy, I'm having a hard time breathing, I feel like I have a lump in my throat and tears are starting to fall.

Mentally, I cannot focus on anything I do, no matter how hard I try. I end up thinking about it and tearing up out of the blue. Trying to find reason for things that happened and truths I cannot seem to accept.

Emotionally, still trying to stay strong when I face family and friends, but when I am alone and there is no need to pretend, I feel sad, lonely, empty and dejected.

Spiritually, I beg Him everyday to take my broken heart, make it whole and free from pain. I find myself questioning Him why I deserve to go through all this. Still trying, albeit occasionally failing, to trust Him that he will make all things beautiful. I continuously pray for strength to get through all this, though most times, I just feel like giving up.

This is harder than I thought. Everyday, I sometimes find myself giving up with life. It takes so much effort to convince myself that life is still worth living. I suddenly understand why some people give up. It's just so much easier. I'm afraid that someday, I may no longer have the strength to pull through. I know I still have to be strong for my family but everyday is just a struggle. I can only hope someday I make it through.

It's All About You... Again

You made this all about you again, as usual... Every time, it's all about the "i", not much about the "we", how much more the "you". 

We argued about something I found out about, again. Instead of me feeling guilty about snooping, it just ended up encouraging me to look for more, expect for more. It's not exactly the best thing to waste time and energy on, but I end up doing it 24 by 7. I get suspicious about every little thing and I honestly don't think relationships are supposed to be like that. It just feels so heavy and dark. It's not supposed to be this hard. It's not supposed to drain you out mentally, physically and emotionally. I honestly got nothing left for me. Nothing to support myself with. Nothing.

And you think with what happened, the best thing to do is to walk away. You did something wrong, and you said sorry and walked away like a guilty dog. You said you just need to be alone. You don't think you deserve me anymore. You are going crazy. You can't sleep. You need time to think. You need to miss me. You, you, YOU. It's just all about you, isn't it? You're right, you are selfish and you just keep proving that to yourself. Please don't tell me you're giving me the time I need, because to be honest, you only thought about that when you realized your sudden need to be alone. So you're not really giving me what I need, you're just really doing what you want to do for yourself.

I can't keep doing this anymore. I got nothing more to give. Let's just admit the fact that this thing just doesn't work for us. It never did and never will. Let's just stop forcing it, do ourselves a favor and move on. Let's stop saying things we don't really mean. Let's stop lying to each other's faces. Let's stop hiding things from each other. Let's stop being convenient. Let's just... STOP.

Almost Rock Bottom

I am close to hitting rock bottom... again. I know I can clearly say it's not the worst moment in my life since there was still this point when I was totally consumed with darkness, this does come a close second. I have come to a point wherein I feel helplessly hopeless. I just ceased to care about anything in the world. Like a dead fish going with the flow... downstream... on to a filthy water in a clogged canal. So how bad is it really? It started with me losing my job and becoming a bum for more than half a year. The longest I have ever been without a job. At first there was a reason to it (severance pay), then we got scammed into getting just half of what it was supposed to be. That somehow made me even more bitter than I already was. Then last week, I had an epiphany that I'm a quitter. That realization got me so bad that for the first time in months, I cried my eyes out. I really am one and the sad fact is I can even make a list of things I couldn't finish or follow through. The dust hasn't settled on that one yet another issue came about. As it turns out, I flirt uncontrollably and inappropriately. All along I thought it was just a harmless banter but apparently it isn't. As crazy as it sounds, I honestly didn't know it affected him. In my mind, it was just a joke. I feel terrible that he no longer trusts me, but somehow I'm relieved to know he gets affected. All along I thought he just doesn't care. With all these in mind, I now have this urge to be alone and shut down altogether. I got nothing, have no one and am going nowhere fast. I honestly tend to push people away when I get to this point. Not because I hate them or anything. On the contrary, I do it because I don't want them to get affected by whatever I do. I don't want to burden them, pull them down or even discourage them in any way. I don't want them to get hurt with all the destructive shitty things I might say or do. I don't want to have their optimism and serenity get sucked into my emotional black hole. I just don't think it's healthy for me to be with anyone at this point (and vice versa). I need to be able to figure things out on my own, to decide on how I can resolve things in my own pace, in my own way, without having to worry about others. How long will this take? No one can tell. But what I can say for sure is that I'll get myself out of this rut eventually and that will be the start of the best days of my life.

That Time of the Month

Once in every month in my life, I always get this roller coaster of emotions (blame it on hormones). No matter what I do, there's just no way I can control them. So I just let it get to me and I just enjoy the freakin' ride. So how random are these emotions? Here are some of the stuff I think about when this does happen: Last night, I watched a trending video of two people who used to be a couple. So one was saying sorry because when he broke up with her, she just agreed because she got tired. While the other one was saying sorry because he knew he gave her all the reason to be tired. They were together for six years. I didn't really think about it until earlier today. It does get to that point. Like right now, I suddenly felt "tired". What a time to be one when he's not feeling well. And my thought goes like; he can take care of himself, he's a grown man! I guess my point is I just don't want him to be dependent on someone to care for him (is that mean?). I felt sick last week and I was able to take care of myself. Kinda selfish, but aren't we all? So in line with this thinking about how selfish I am. I just realized that bringing a life into the world won't really be a good idea for someone as selfish as I am. I thought about this because I recently consulted an OB-Gyn and requested for a fertility work up. Then, right now I was thinking maybe I shouldn't go through with it anymore. My thoughts were that maybe I am not meant to have kids because I'm too selfish. So now I'm deciding not to push through with the work up (not to mention that I'm scared of taking this one procedure that was said to be painful really painful) . Maybe it's not in God's plan or maybe the circumstances are not right. Maybe I'm planning it with the wrong person or the timing is off. I honestly do not know but I'll just let it go and let God. Is it so weird for someone to want to go out alone? I just asked if I can and I immediately got accused that I'm out to date someone. Is it unbelievable that I'm so fun to be with that I don't even need anyone to have fun? LOL. People-watching is my thing. It's honestly even better than Netflix at times that I can do it for hours and not get bored. That's how far I got with the roller coaster. Right now I'm listening to Broken Heart playlist on Spotify. My hormones feed on drama I suppose. That's what makes my life existing. All on its own.

Being So Not for You

I haven't really gotten the chance to thank you. I have been in your exact same situation before and I can't really blame you for what you feel. The only difference though is that he chose me instead of her. Now, he still made the same choice, me instead of you. You have no idea how it boosted my self-confidence, that no matter what I do, he will still choose me over you (or anyone else).

I have you to thank, for letting him realize that he cannot find anyone else like me, that no one else comes close, that it has always been me all along. I cannot imagine how devastating it must have felt, that despite everything, nobody chose you. Not even your ex (who, by the way, wanted to be my bf too. Unbelievable, right?). Everything happens for a reason, I just hope you learned your lesson. So next time someone gives you a warning, please listen. 😜

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This email is confidential and intended for the addressee(s) only. If you are not the addressee, please notify the sender and delete the message. Do not use the content in any other way. 

Sent but not Received

Hi,

I hope you are well. I'm writing because talking is clearly not my forte. I just want to tell you that I have the following to be sorry for:

-being an added burden to your problems at the worst time
-not telling you the truth
-betraying your trust once again
-putting the blame on you
-being inconsiderate of your feelings
-jeopardizing our relationship
-pushing you away
-threatening to kill myself
-telling you are wrong when you are not
-not admitting my faults
-not fulfilling your requests
-not submitting to you
-not making myself exclusive to you
-throwing away my faith
-for being stubborn and weak
-for not listening

I can actually go on and on with my list without end. I know these things and I'm sorry for all of them. I know these flaws, but i just cannot seem to make them go away no matter how hard I try or how hard I pray for God to take them away. It just won't go and I do not know what to do with them anymore. All these make me so unworthy of you. I do not deserve you and I am sure it will be a lot easier for you to find someone better than me. That seems to be more likely to happen than changing myself into someone you deserve. I've been in this dump a lot of times before and it just keeps repeating itself time after time after time. I cannot explain to you anymore why I decided to go out with him and not tell you aside from what I have told you. Please do not think it's about you. Because I think that's what you're trying to know. I did not do it because you are lacking. I did it for old time's sake. That's all. But I hope you believe me when I say that I did not wish to spend forever with him. If anything, it actually made me think of how you are better than him. Of how lucky that I had you. And it's only sad because I realized that only after I made the mistake of hurting you. And now I can't take it back and it has caused our relationship to crumble to pieces. Void of a solid foundation of trust. I only got myself to blame. Now I am back to where I started. Miserable, pitiful, depressing, shameful, despicable and all the negativity in the world.

Please don't ask me what to do because I honestly am not the best person to ask. I know I want you, but I know I cannot have you. I guess not at this time. I want you to be with me but I also want you to be happy and to find peace. I want to promise you all those things. That I will change, that I will not hurt you anymore, that I will give you everything you ask. Kaso pag hindi ko na natupad, it will only get worse than this. I just want us to go back to the way it used to be. I know it's impossible now. I know it's selfish, but if you ask me, I want you to be with me. That is what I want. I want you. I know it may not be evident, you may not even believe it, it may not change your mind, but you should know that I really do love you so much. And I felt miserable ever since you left. But there are just things that I don't deserve and cannot have. I cannot have everything I want.

So please make the decision, because I really do not have a say on this. It's what you want that matters. It's your turn to have what you want. I love you and I know I always will.

~

Back to Square One

For the past week, I did nothing but shut off every source of happiness I have had in my life. I chased out every ray of sunshine and let myself wallow in the pool of darkness. An all-too-familiar place that I never thought I would be back in when my live had changed (or so I thought). It's not the best place to be in but I seriously think this is the best place for me to start.

Sometimes, when all things are too messed up, it is better to start with nothing than to start where you left off. If the whole structure gave in because the foundation is weak, it is wise to dig deeper and start to build a new foundation from there. Now I understand. Now I know why I always react this way. My place of darkness has a purpose for being there. When everything crumbles down to the ground, instead of me rising up, I find myself digging deeper into the darkness. This is because I want to start anew. New. Improved. Better. Like something made after a disaster.

Even if no one likes to admit it, I know things are different now. I cannot go back and change the mistakes done in the past but I can always go for a new beginning. No matter how sorry I feel, the damage done is done. There really is nothing that I can do or say that would take everything back to how it was. All I can do is to take everything to memory and charge it to experience. I will start anew, the way I learned it should be. Things will be different. Changes will happen. His will be done.

All Questions, No Answers

How can anyone really understand me when I don't even understand myself. How can anyone know me if I don't even seem to know myself. Why can I not respond normally to situations that require me to take criticisms constructively? Why do I always desire to make myself miserable every single time I get hit with a stone? Why do I like wallowing in misery? Why do I keep pushing away people whom I love? Could it be a curse? How will I ever learn? I guess I never will.

Not living in the moment

I was about to write something... then it got lost in my thoughts... maybe I'll try again later...

Thoughts for Today

I just copied these from jenni epperson's blog:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. (Peace be with you.)
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come. (Aren't you excited?)
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield. (Please.)
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift." That is what the {present} is a gift don't waste today.

Fire Burns

Fire Burns (Arise) - Jon Owens

Don’t wanna go back Lord
To the way I used to live
The way I used to live
I won’t go back Lord
To the way I used to be
Before you rescue me

I will not stop
Till every tribe and nation
Bows before you
I will not stop
Till they all see your Glory
See your Glory

Your fire burns with in me
Burn with in me with your fire
Your fire burns with in me
Burn with in me with your fire

Lift up your eyes to see
The Glory of the Lord is on the earth
Arise, arise, arise

Arise generation no longer forsaken
Arise, arise, arise

King of Glory, King of Glory
Come in

Lord of All

Lord Of All - Every Nation Philippines

I surrender
I will yield
I will bow down
I will live
I will seek You all my days
I will follow all Your Ways

coz You are my Only One
You are my Only One

I want to live for You
be glorified forever
My life will declare
You alone are Lord
Everything of me
use it for Your glory
That everyone will see, will hear, will know
YOU ARE LORD OF ALL

I will worship
I will praise
I will lift up YOur holy Name
I will give You
all the glory
All the honor
DUE YOUR NAME

Coz You are my Only One
You are my Only One

I want to live for YOu
be glorified forever
My life will declare
That You alone are Lord
Everything of me
Use it for Your glory
that everyone will see, will hear, will know
YOU ARE LORD OF ALL

YOU ARE LORD OF ALL

Here I am Lord mold me
Here I am Lord use me
Here I am Lord send me
FOR YOUR GLORY

Another Trip!

One Month to Live

FINALLY! I got a hold a copy of this book (it matches my website)! I remember calling about twenty bookstores looking for this and ALL of them said it was out of stock. Bestsellers bookstore called me up to inform me they have reserved a copy for me, I was planning to grab it tomorrow... but then when I got to the office today, I found a copy on my desk waiting for me! I feel so happy! Thanks Sweetie!

P.S. I also got a copy of New Moon, which is hard to find as well... YEY!

Precious Moments Snowglobes!

I got these are from the Precious Moments website. Way too cute for words! I am seriously contemplating on having these ordered and shipped. Most of them cost $25-$35. I love 'em all! Waaaah!



Precious Moments: Ariel Musical Water Globe

Within her crystal bubble, sparkling wishes for a happy birthday swirl in a glittery pirouette around this little mermaid and her lobster pal. Plays "Part Of Your World." Resin base. 5 ½"H. Disney Showcase Collection.






Precious Moments: Bambi Musical Water Globe

Create a shower of glittery sparkles when "Bambi" shares the joys of nature with a sweet little girl. Musical water globe plays Vivaldi's "Spring". Resin and glass. Walt Disney Showcase Collection.






Precious Moments: Belle Musical Water Globe

Within the dreamlike swirlwind of sparkles lies a "Beauty and the Beast" tea party. Plays "Theme from Beauty and the Beast." Resin base. 5 ½"H. Disney Showcase Collection.







Precious Moments Disney Christmas Giftware: Dancing Cinderella And Prince Charming Musical Waterball

There's romance in the air as a dreamlike swirl of sparkles showers Cinderella and her Prince dancing beneath the mistletoe. Music box plays"Some Day My Prince Will Come." Resin base. Disney Showcase Colletion.







Precious Moments Christmas Waterglobe: Boy With Donald Duck Musical Waterglobe

Iridescent glitter swirls around to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Porcelain bisque base with glass dome. Disney Showcase Collection.






Precious Moments Disney Waterglobes: Snow White Musical Water Globe

Within the dreamlike swirl of sparkling glitter, a young girl dreams that someday her prince will come along. Plays "Fur Elise." Resin and glass musical waterglobe. Disney Showcase Collection.






Precious Moments Valentine's Day Gifts: I Give This Rose As A Token Of My Love - Waterglobe

Even the air seems to sparkle with glistening beauty and joy as it swirls around a pair of sweethearts. Resin musical base plays Pachelbel's "Canon in D."

Countdown

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Matthew 6:31-34 (New International Version)

31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Worry is just another burden that we are never intended to bear. As what Pastor Robert said last Sunday: Putting God first, produces a worry-free life. He is an exact God, so what is there to worry about? Worrying never made anything better (based on fact and on experience). Imagine, of all things we worry about, only 8% are actual problems. I say it's just a waste of effort, time and resource. Easier said than done (well, what isn't anyway). We worry because of the uncertainty of the future. But like always, we just have to learn to let go and let God.

The things you worry about are things you are mostly devoted to
- Andy Stanley

New Year Kick Off

The year that passed was so great that it sort of scares me that this year might not live up to expectations. But last Christmas, that outlook changed. The year just got more interesting. Why? We booked a flight to Hongkong! Yay! The year is starting out right and we're all super excited! I hope everything goes well. It's gonna be a great year after all! It might even surpass the last!

Anyway, we all do not know what the new year holds for us. No tarot card or fortune-teller can really tell us what is ahead. Following superstitions won't even make everything a tad easier for us. I just think it's hypocritical (and crazy) to follow superstitions and believe in tarot card reading and then say we believe in God too. It's not true when they say you won't lose anything if you try. You will, you lose your trust and faith in God's plan for you. So what I do now is pray and ask that He guides us in our everyday life and try to do things according to His mighty plan. Easier said than done, I know, but He will let us reap the benefits someday.

So, what do I plan to do on this fab new year ahead? Mostly, I think I'm going to save up for the big thing. What big thing? Well, I can't say yet. It can be anything really. Hehehe.

With that said, my biggest new year resolution will be... to minimize, if not eliminate, splurging and impulse buying (save for the HK trip. heheh). Then, I would also need to get healthy and slimmer. I'm not getting younger everyday, so I think it's about time for me to develop a healthy regimen like eat healthy food, go swimming, go biking or whatever. Going to a gym is not a must to be healthy (it makes my bank account lose more weight faster than my body). I just need to find a good exercise that I can do regularly. I would want to bike and run everyday... just not in a polluted place like here. It will do me more bad than good.

Last but not the least, I want to focus on having a deeper relationship with God. And in effect, have a deeper relationship with my loved ones. I want to know Him (and them) better and know how I can be a blessing to others.

And I believe that these will make this year an even better one than the last... we'll know on my next year-ender!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!