Valentine's Day...

is totally over rated. It's really nothing but a clever marketing strategy, a season they invented so that there'll be reason to buy an expensive gift for a special someone. Marketing strategy to make people mindlessly spend lots of money... a day before it's even payday. Prices for flowers and chocolates skyrocket to more than twice its regular price at this time of the year and people still buy them. Flower shops, Candy shops, Specialty shops are flocked with people. All because it's valentine's day. Bahumbug!

Sorry for my antagonistic point of view of Valentine's day. The last time I really had a valentine was more than four years ago i think. And don't think that I'm just saying this because I'm sourgraping... because I'm sooo not! I mean, why give a gift on Valentine's day... when you can do so any other day?! And what exactly is the idea of giving flowers (or even stuffed toys) to someone when you can give something more useful, like.. say.. a nice cute shirt or a pair of shoes or a pretty dress. Why does it have to be flowers?! Why does everyone have to buy flowers on Valentine's day? And so now what's left on the stand are the dying bunch... and I can't even afford to buy them for Bubu. What use will they have for flowers?! They have absolutely no use for it! And I bet they're even embarassed to carry them around. One guy I saw was carrying the bouquet behind his back (probably doesn't know how to carry it without losing his manliness). The girl who rode the FX I was riding even covered her face of embarassment when the driver complimented the pink roses she was carrying. She jokingly responded with "kakabili ko lang nyan, para sa sarili ko...". Hahaha. Everybody is like giving a taunting smile to those people who are carrying flowers... like it's a big joke or something. It's like at the back of their minds, they're either saying: "Awww, how nice!" or "Pffft, How original!".

Well, I don't know... I'm just too practical I guess (or just mad that I can't buy flowers). Anything that came from the heart and/or worked by the hands are much more appreciated, than wasting money on dust collectors such as stuffed toys, flowers, balloons and stuff. I don't know, maybe just the thought of having someone I can really keep would be enough for me. Just spending time with that someone would be more than enough. I will show how much I appreciate him not only on Valentine's day, but always. Sigh. Okay, enough mush before I break into a rash... Don't worry, I'm not really anti-Valentine's day... I wouldn't be sending out those V-day text messages if I was! Happy Valentine's Day everyone! ;P

Quotable Quote:
Love grows by giving, the love we give away is the only love we keep. The only way to retain love is to give it away. - elbert hubbard

Around the World in 80 Seconds... or Less

Two words... Google Earth. Thanks to the people who made Google Earth happen, I get to see other parts of the world apart from Luzon. (For the sake of those who do not know and contrary to popular belief... I have never left this island all my life... meaning never been on a plane, nor a ship... Pity).

Get Google Earth. Put the world in perspective.
earth.google.com



One of the places I would really like to visit for real, Paris, France. I don't know, but there's just something magical about that place that draws me to it. And I know I'm not the only one in the world who feels that way about Paris. I just love Paris!(and I don't mean Hilton).

I also want to go to Phuket, Thailand. I want to go to that dream beach featured in the movie "The Beach". The Maya Beach. The scenery is breathtaking. I'm running out of words to describe it by just thinking of it. Hehehe...

I also want to see Manhatttan, New York and Tokyo, Japan and Hong Kong, China (No, I'm not gonna go Disneyland hopping) and Sydney, Australia and New Zealand... and the list goes on. All of 'em just a few clicks away! But nothing can really beat going there and experiencing it all for real. But then again, if you ain't got the dough to get there... get Google Earth and learn to content yourself with satellite photos! It's the next best thing! ;P

Saying Goodbye...

to my old trusty cellphone was not as easy as I thought it would be... Yep, I already got the Pink Moto Razr V3 that I wanted... and it's giving me mixed emotions.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled with my new phone, quite happy that I finally got something out of my own pocket. However, I can't help but go emotional about leaving my T610. Once I change the SIM card on that phone, all data will be deleted almost like it has been reset (that's the major flaw of the T610). But even if all the data gets lost, it's sentimental value will never decrease. I will definitely won't put it up for sale... even for a thousand... no, make that a million dollars (hehehe. like someone's going to pay THAT much for a worn out phone!). I've had that phone for more than two years I think... and I can say it has seen better days. It witnessed everything I went through for the last two years or so. And in my life, the last two years was the most difficult of all. It became my confidant of some sort. I cannot think of any important event wherein it has not been a part of. I owe my life to this phone. I almost didn't want to leave it. Daniel's last call to me is still listed on its call list... But then my phone seemed to have been corrupted and everytime I try to access some of his MMS messages, the phone will restart (Good thing I had a habit of sending them to my email soon as I receive 'em). It randomly deletes my whole inbox as well. So one by one, little by little, it's showing me signs of retirement. It's giving me more reasons to get a new phone... and that's what I did.

Monday morning, I was like possessed. I told myself, by the end of the day, I have to have that phone. So I went to ParkSquare and scout for one... only two stores had it. So I had them compete until I got a reasonable price... and then I used my new credit card... so for the next few months, no shopping sprees for me... bummer.. but I got a new kewl phone anyway. That should be worth it. ;P

It's Syuper Dyuper Kyut!

The Pink/Magenta Motorola RAZR V3.. I want one... and I am getting one as soon as I can... I am finally buying myself a cellphone for the first time in my entire life. My first one was bought by my mom, and my second one was handed down to my by my sister... here are its specs (I got it from this Motorola site)

Personalisation / Fun Features

User Customisable Softkey Functions, Main Menu and Shortcuts
Games : 3D Java - embedded & space for downloads
Downloadable Themes (Ringtones, Wallpaper & Screensavers)
MOTOMIXER™ (Remixable MIDI ringer software)
Polyphonic Ringtones
MP3 Ringtones
Polyphonic Speaker : 22 Khz Polyphonic Speaker, 22 Chord support
Video Download
Video Clip Playback with sound
Integrated Digital VGA Camera with 4 x Digital Zoom

Call Management Features

Picture Phonebook
In-built Hands-free Speaker Phone
Caller Group Profiling
Time & date stamp (for calls & SMS)
Phonebook : Up to 1000 entries on phone plus up to 250 on SIM card
VibraCall®

Messaging Features

iTAP™ Predictive text with T9 emulation
EMS 5.0
SMS Chat one-to-one : one-to-one
MMS (Picture / photo + text + sound)
Group SMS
Quick messages
Mobile Concatenation
Instant Messaging Support : (Wireless Village) 1.1 embedded client
Email support: Pop3, SMTP, IMAP4

Lifestyle Features

Calculator and Currency Converter
Date and Clock
PIM Functionality
Calendar
Alarm Clock

Performance Features

Bands : Quad-band (GSM 850/900/1800/1900)
Talktime : Up to 200 to 430 minutes
Standard Battery : 680 mAh Li-ion
Standby Time : Up to 180 to 290 hours

Data Features

GPRS : 1, 6 - 2U4D
WAP : 2.0
Connectivity : CE bus (USB / Bluetooth®)
Preloaded Software

Technical Specifications

Precision Cut Metal Keypad
Internal Memory : 5 MB
Weight : 95 g
External Display : 96 x 80 pixel, 4k CSN Colour, 4 Lines of Text / Line of Icons
Volume : 65 cc
Finish : Anodized Aluminum
Dimensions : 98 x 53 x 13.9 mm
Internal Display : 176 x 220 pixel, up to 260K TFT Color, with Graphic Accelerator, 9 Lines of Text
Colour : Cosmic Blue, Silver, Black and Pink
Form Factor : Clam

Its super duper cute! soooo bagay to me! I'm gonna get one first thing tomorrow morning! Hehehehe ;P

Happy Birthday Bubu!

It's Daniel's birthday today! His 28th on the 27th... Time flies by real fast... before we even know it, we're celebrating his birthday. And in a few days, his 6th month...

I was supposed to schedule a mass for him, but was unable to do so. Time constraints. Most of the masses on weekdays are scheduled in the evening so it automatically means we won't be able to attend because we'll all be asleep around that time. But we all offered our prayers to him, that's for sure. Most of us will probably offer the Sunday mass to him.

Anyway, my mom and I bought him flowers yesterday. I chose white roses this time. I don't know, I just feel like giving him a bunch of white roses. I had to carry it from the office to the MRT station (where the guards are curiously eyeing what I'm carrying around on an ultra big plastic bag) and I couldn't tote it around with stretched arms or it will touch the ground, so I have to slightly bend my elbows which put strain on my underdeveloped biceps. I was worried that by the time I get there, it will look parched or even dead. But thankfully, it was still alive and breathing when I got to his place.

It was such a bad time for my cellphone to run out of battery... so I just emailed Yannie as soon as I left the office. I fetched her at her workplace (the guy at the frontdesk referred to me as "the girl with the big plastic bag") and then we picked up his framed jersey at her place. We got a little stuck in traffic on our way there and we made it barely in time to meet his family who's just about to leave. I think it was the first time I saw more than one visiting person there, because I usually go alone or sometimes, with a friend. Ate Danette, Deck, Tito Dan, Ate Kim, Kuya Zasam and Tonito were there. It was nice to see them all over again. It sort of made me feel like he's still around. Just there... just around... watching us...

And he did sort of let us know he's just around...

You see, Cj gave him a stick of cig as a birthday gift. It was untouched when we left. But then a few minutes after we left, Faye (Daniel's cousin) arrived. When she got there, the cig was not lit. Then it started to drizzle so she went for cover. When she got back, surprisingly enough, the cig was already burnt halfway. Her account was that it was not that near the candle nor the flame for it to burn. Weird! If it was really him who did that, I'm gonna scold him... for still trying to smoke! Hahaha! Just kidding! Well, I told him I'll even give him a bottle of beer...
if he asks for it...
PERSONALLY!

We all super duper miss him... I know I do. Everytime there's any work-related celebration, any event or just about any occasion... I always imagine what it would be like if he was still here. I still enjoy talking about him. It sort of keeps the memories alive. I just wish he would visit me in my dreams more often, everyday if possible (demanding?! Hehehe). Because I think it's the only way I can REALLY get by. I thought I could actually get over him but I realized I was wrong to think that way. Six months is still too soon. It seems like I'll just have to live with it... and accept the fact that I'll never get over him for real. So, whoever I'm gonna be with in the future also has to accept that fact. It just can't be taken away. It's already part of who I am...

THE Battle

I was on leave for almost a week, trying to finish up my paper work... and I got zero productivity. Why? I gave in to all sorts of diversions. For one (which is the most frequent) I played DotA... which is a really really cool game. (The other night, my friend and I were playing until 4am!) I'm not that good with it (yet)... but it's fun nonetheless.

Then, just this weekend, my sister asked if we want to spend the night at Tagaytay. So we did! We got there in no time at all. We left at 430pm... got there at 530, just in time to hear mass. Then, we ate at Yellow Cab Pizza, then went to the nearest Starbucks for a doze of coffee. We stayed at my sister's boyfriend's family's house at Royal Pines West. It was a nice house, because it has cable TV! It may not seem so, but it was a lot of fun to go there. I enjoyed it a lot. Somehow, I felt relaxed and de-stressed... all set for another week of work... NOT! Heheheh..

Anyway, we left there at noon the next day, Sunday... Boxing day! I am not a REAL fan of boxing, but somehow I find it interesting and I've been watching some of the big and most-talked-about games before (like that game where Tyson bit Holyfield in the ear? Classic!). Before I have always watched at home... Never did I know how fun it was to watch it someplace else until today. You see, when we were in Tagaytay, we decided to have lunch here in Manila. I didn't want to miss "The Battle" between Manny Pacquiao and Erik Morales, so I watched on my sis' pocket TV while we were on the road. We got to Manila in an hour (or less) and the game was only on round 2. I suggested we eat at NSG (National Sports Grill) because I know for sure they're gonna have a TV there and I know some of my officemates are planning to watch the game there. When we got to Greenbelt 3, the driver's lounge is packed with twenty people or more, all glued to the TV watching the game. And as expected, NSG is full to the brim. No seats left. A whole bunch of people are already standing outside (they had placed two TV sets outside). All the people there are cheering and shouting as if they're actually in Las Vegas where Pacquiao can hear them. It's like the whole mall stopped when the game was on. You can hardly find people strolling around. All TV sets on every restaurant that has one are on Channel 2 (where the game is being aired). Even the crew people are attentively watching tv. We stood around a bit and watched on the widescreen TV at NSG. Then I decided to text my officemates to let them know I'm around. CJ replied and told me they're at Fish Co. (almost beside NSG). Since we got no seats at NSG, we decided to eat at Fish Co. instead (I demanded a seat in front of a TV of course!). And man, was it worth it! The game was soooo ultra exciting! The crowd was very reactive... applauding on every hard blow Pacquiao gives Morales. Although I already heard the result minutes before it ended from some blabbermouth who passed by (such a killjoy), it was still exciting to see how Morales fell to his knees on the 10th round. I actually got goosebumps when I saw it happen. Everybody shouted and stood from their seats when the referee signaled that the game was over and Pacquiao won the match! My mom and sister (who previously weren't paying attention or were not even enthusiastic in the beginning) were cheering as well. The crowd was overwhelming! It was so much fun! So noisy! So festive! Like it was New Year all over again! Pacquiao rules! He's sooo great! I am so happy he won and I so want to see him when he gets here! I'm telling you, I'm gonna take part in giving him a hero's welcome he truly deserves.... hehehehe. And I promise I will not miss that upcoming match with Antonio Barrera! ;P

New Year...

but not necessarily a happy one...

I'm not having a good vibes for this new year... it's only been a week since new year started and I've already messed it up for the rest of the year. Typical of me to do that.

So I decided I gotta do something about this before it's all too late and I destroy the rest of my life. I actually came up with a plan which I hope will work and I am sooooo hoping that this is the right thing to do... (I feel like it is but since it seems that everything I do these days is wrong, I can't say anymore if it is or not... confused? so am I). And to make sure that I won't mess up this time, I'm not gonna say what my plan is until I have actually done it. I'm pretty sure it would work... It should somehow get my life back on track... I haven't really finalized it yet but I will, really soon, because I don't have that much time left. I'm actually pretty excited about it, I just hope that everything works according to plan. And this begins later tonight... no time to waste. We'll see what happens... Baffled? Heheh... Isn't suspense fun? Don't worry... you'll know.

P.S.
I had a haircut by the way... it's got nothing to do with the plan... but... I had a haircut... ;P

Year-Ender and Year-Starter post

Christmas.. and now New Year... next, Valentine's day... now I'm starting to post occasionally...

I would have really wanted to sum up the year with a really long year-ender post... recounting the events that happened, lessons learned, people met, people lost, etc. And then write another really long year-starter post... about hope for tomorrow, new years resolution, plans, dreams, wishes, etc.... but my enthusiasm to write sort of vanished... so I'll just roll them up in one really short post.

It wasn't really much of a good year... That's it! Year-ender post, summed up in one sentence!

And as for my Year-starter post... given the fact that it wasn't really much of a good year... and so why in the world would I think that this year would be any different?!?!?

It doesn't make any sense... I know... so if you could just please refer back to the title of this blog for a bit of enlightenment... thank you. And Happy New Year to you too...

P.S. soon as I find my inner peace (so there's an outer peace?!) ... I'll write better I promise (read: no more corny jokes).

Christmas Eve

It's finally Christmas, and what a way to welcome it. I woke up at 730 pm on the 24th of December, and what do I find? Some of the priceless pictures on my phone, disappeared into thin air, without anyone even touching it. All was left in place of it was a red X (so if anyone reading this knows how to tech it, lemme know). Again, it's automatically restarting itself, and rejecting the correct PIN a few times, and emptying the Inbox on its own. The total free space I now have is 600kb, when previously it was just at 32kb. So meaning, that's more than 500kb worth of pictures lost. It's haunted. Possessed. Screaming for a replacement. Well, I'm sorry, even if you force me to replace it, I don't have the money for it (See "New Acquisition" post). And I won't really "replace" it, because I'd still keep it and I won't sell it.

Well, something good came out of it. Since the Inbox was emptied, there was enough space for all the Christmas greetings I received. I didn't have to go through the trouble of deleting saved messages. But still, I'd rather have the photos back.

I proposed that we attend mass on the night of 24th instead because I had plans for Christmas morning. I planned to visit Bubu on Christmas morning. Then go back home for Christmas Lunch with the family. Then spend time in the afternoon with my best friend (to buy our soon-to-be-married friend a gift). Then play Need for Speed Most Wanted on Christmas night.

But anyway, we all know Christmas is not about me. It's about Him, his birthday. So I shouldn't really sulk about the bad things that are happening in my life. At least for a day, I should forget all about it and be happy because it's Christmas. God's birthday is definitely reason enough to celebrate and be happy... So I'll do everything I can to be happy... and looking at my whole-day plan on spending Christmas, I think they all point to the road to happiness... Merry Christmas everyone! :P

Song For The Moment

Without You
by After Image

I know it's over now
I can't believe we're through
If this is what you need
There's nothing I can do
But where am I to go
What have I to choose
Rememberin' our days
Just makes me want to cry
We tried so hard I know
But still we said goodbye

So where am I to go
What have I to choose
When I built my world around you
Gotten used to see your smile
Hear you whisper late at night
Now I've nothing left to lose
'Cause I know I'm without you

If only fate were kind
Then I'd be holding you
And we'd be like before
But destiny was cruel

So where am I to go
What have I to choose
When I built my world around you
Gotten used to see your smile
Hear you whisper late at night
Now, I've nothing left to lose
'Cause I know I'm without you, oh hoh
Without you, woh hoh
Without you, there's no sunshine
Without you, only rain
And if there is tomorrow
I hope to ease my pain, to ease my pain

Gotten used to see your smile
Hear you whisper late at night
Now, I've nothing left to lose
'Cause I know I'm without you
I know it's over now

New Acquisition

It's December... and the malls are packed with people. At 11:45 am, Park Square 2 is filled with cars up to the 5th floor already, giving as the idea how crowded the malls are gonna be. But of course, it never stopped us from going there. Especially me. Why? Because I can feel that I'll be buying something really costly... But apparently, my mom was thinking of the same thought... and so my one month old credit card has already been pushed to its limit. My mom bought a new carpet, we were supposed to use my sister's credit card, but it didn't work... she knew I already have one, so we used mine instead.

But still, it didn't hinder me from buying something costly for myself... guess what that is... a new digigal camera! I got real envious of my friend who just splurged on a new cellphone and a digicam. Since I really do not wish to replace my phone, I bought a digicam instead! I chose that one, because I got a whole lotta freebies with that purchase. I got a free rechargeable batt with charger (worth a thousand bucks), flashlight, a rewards card for that store and other affiliated stores and 13 raffle coupons. I didn't tell my mom about my recent purchase yet, because I don't really know how she'd react. But knowing her, she might already know, if not she'll find it out sooner than expected...

November

November ends... and I only made two posts... and so now I'm going to cramp everything else in one post to make up for all those times I forgot to post or I was too tired or too lazy to write.

Anniversary. I might be developing amnesia. I forgot the death anniversary of a dear friend who passed away four years ago. She was my Science teacher on my first year of High School. The only teacher I've grown closed with and stayed in contact with until she went away. But good thing is I always pray for her for all those times I remember her. Like Bubu, I also wished she was still here. I can only imagine the stuff I'd be telling her if she was still around.

Shopping. for the most part of the month, I was not at work. I got two weeks off if you add it all up. Because I got three rest days (Mon, Tues, Thurs) if I go on leave on a Wednesday, that would be four days off. Then add the days where we were forced to go on leave... All in all, i got two weeks were I got 5 or 6 consecutive days off. Where did I go? I wished I could go to the beach, but thinking of the money I'd be spending... I rather go shopping. And I did! For this month, I bought four tank tops, few shirts, one capri pants, pouch bags, stuff for my hair, some gifts, pens, and all sorts of stuff I don't remember. I also got the Starbucks 2006 Planner! I completed the sticker album in two weeks! But it turns out, I won't be able to use it until the last week of December. So much for all the excitement.

Milestone. Had an argument with one of my closest friends. Over something quite trivial if you ask me. I was going on my way... telling him how my day went, like usual and then he suddenly started acting all weird on me. Made me feel like going out with an old flame is a crime. On my part, I don't really see anything wrong with it because I consider it just like hanging out with a friend. I don't do dates. He, of all people, should know that I'm not exactly ready to go on dates yet. Let alone, be involved with someone. And even if I was ready, I don't think he really should be acting that way. Quite uncalled for, which somehow made me lose my cool. Told him I'm not exactly enjoying the conversation, started giving one-word answers then decided to give it a rest and slept on it. After a few hours, he realized he was wrong and he immediately apologized. It was really just a petty fight, didn't even last a day... not that I want it to.

Birthday. It was one of my college friend's birthday, and I filed a leave for it because I know we would be spending the night at his place. However, I felt guilty somehow, that our groups seemed like the anti-social group. We didn't join his other friends on their drinking session, instead we huddled inside his room and took over his new cool pc. We had our own party and of course, my friend didn't look too happy about it. We were such party poopers.

November... still not so much of a great month for me. December isn't looking too good either. But, who knows...

Burnout

a dead guy asked God for one last day on earth to see and be with his girl... God granted the wish but too bad God also granted his girl's wish: to die for a day to see and be with him... one last time

The day I received this text message... it struck me so hard that even if I just woke up... I cried. I know the sender of the message didn't mean to send it, because she had no idea whatsoever about my situation and all. But just to give her a hint, I told her that I wish God can grant such wishes sometimes...

At this age of 22, I feel like I'm tired of life already. I feel like I've seen it all and I've done it all. I'm done with all the negativity in life. I'm burnt out. My best friend says I experienced too much too soon... and I couldn't agree more.

It's not that I'm being ungrateful of the life that was given to me... of course I'm thankful that my heart's still beating but with the way things are going, I'm not exactly sure I'd be able to survive long enough. It's just so freakin' hard. I've tried my very best... and I AM still trying... but it's really not helping that much... I've tried all approaches I know and I'm currently running out of ideas... I don't really know what to do anymore. Friends are a great help, but they can only take you so far. When I'm alone, I've to rely on myself. The rest is still really up to me. It appears I'm not really good with helping myself. I can help other people, but I can't help myself. I feel like I'm slowly letting myself down.

I sometimes feel like my blog really sucks (as what Jeff said on my tagboard). Another said it's too heavy. Too depressing to read. It's such a sorry blog. A great depiction of my sorry self. Maybe I should rename this as "The Great Depression" or something. Okay, enough already...

Todos Los Santos

Yesterday, like many families around the country, we visited our dearly departed relatives. I woke up at 7am after sleeping like a log for eleven hours. Our tito sent the all-new Nissan Urvan to fetch us since our driver is unavailable. So we set out first to go to Holy Cross Memorial Park before going to Bulacan. I was about to blog about the trip using my mobile phone but then I realized that I can only write a limited number of characters that even my introduction won't fit. So I decided to make a mental note of the trip instead.

We took a never-before-seen alternate route to Holy Cross Memorial Park. We made a wrong turn at first and ended up at a dead end on a steep and narrow road. Then we tried again, we took a turn on the right corner and the rest is an Amazing Race Family Edition experience. The signs we were trying to follow are so miniscule, it's so easy to miss it. Good thing my cousin has where's-waldo-trained-eyes that we were able to follow the miniature signs. On every turn, the road becomes narrower and narrower and then on the last turn we got to what seemed like a private property, that we're starting to wonder if we're on the right road. We continued on and we finally got to our destination at half the time it would have taken us if we took the road we used to take. Turns out it was the back gate. It does pay to take the road less travelled.

There weren't as much people as I've expected, but apart from that, everything seemed normal. We lit our candles, said our prayers, cleaned a little, ate our lunch, waited for the next batch of relatives and then left for Bulacan. We got there at around 2 pm . Like usual, we walked around the house and looked for interesting stuff. My tito is part of the production team for Encantadia (if I'm not mistaken, production director I think), so some of the props (and even the clothes) and some other stuff are there at the house. Also, my tito has a new gadget, he's got a laptop! And he showed us some pictures from the shooting. Then we saw Phantom of the Opera lying around on the table, so we watched it on his laptop. It was a nice movie and I liked the songs. Very theatrical. Me and my sister sat through it for more than 2 hours. I liked the movie, but not as much as I liked his laptop! Then, after eating a delicious palabok they bought somewhere, I took my usual afternoon nap. I woke up to eat dinner and right before we slept, my tito told us a scary story that's happening at our house. Our house is a really old spanish house complete with capiz windows, pillars and all that. The front road is almost like a main road where buses, jeepneys and tricycles drive by. He said some jeepney drivers asked him about an old lady standing upstairs by the window looking sternly at them. Apart from that, they also saw a beautiful lady in red clothing by the window. There are no longer any old ladies living in our house and no, I wasn't standing by the window wearing red (hehehe). It seems that they are pertaining to one of our lolas who died last 2003 (she's known to be masungit, so I guess that's her). So as not to scare the other people, they just made up names when they ask who it was. As for the beautiful lady in red, it was the life-size statue of the Virgin Mary that we have upstairs. La Virgen Dolorosa I think. (Sorry I wasn't able to take a picture of her but it's the one where she was crying and there's a stabbed heart on the chest). Every year during Holy Week, she's always a part of the procession. Way back when my tito's mom was still alive, she saw that beautiful lady in red lying down the bed. Quite miraculous they say but it scared me.

We visited the grave of my tito's mom, our lola, this afternoon. He made a theme for this year's Undas. This year, it's chinese (they say next year it's Filipiniana). It was complete with red rectangle-shaped papers around the grave, chinese lanterns, incense sticks, round fruits, chinese music, chinese food, chopsticks (on my hair) etc. My tito even donned a chinese outfit. All the people passing by never failed to look our way, one man even spilled the spaghetti he was carrying because he was too busy looking. My tito really knows how to attract attention from people. Here's a blurry picture of it:



I was planning to drop by Bubu's wall on our way home, but then we got home a bit late (around 9 PM). So I promised that I'd visit him tomorrow. Last Sunday, I bought a frame for the wallet size picture I got from Ate Danette and I can bring it whenever I visit him. I'm quite excited to see the finished columbarium, Ate Danette said the fountain near his wall is finished already. The last time I visited, I think they were just halfway through and so I couldn't stay longer. Now I can stay as long as I want!. Hehehe. I'll see yah tomorrow Bubu! ;P

Not All Exes Can Be Friends...

I have proven this just the other night. For the longest time, I was keeping in touch with an ex-boyfriend (from around three or more years ago) in hopes that we can be friends. He has a girlfriend (who's been with him for almost two years now I think) and he knows about my current situation. He was sympathetic about it at first, however, when we talked about plans on hanging out, we ended up arguing. Why? Because of his, somehow, indecent proposals... and what's even ridiculous is that he seriously thinks there's absolutely nothing wrong with it! I made it clear that I wanted us to be friends. I expect to be treated that way only and nothing more. It seems that he still did not see my point, no matter how many times I explain. So, I asked him if he still thinks I'm not over him. And believe me, he had the nerve to say yes. OH PUHLEEEZ! I tried to make him understand again how I certainly do not wish for us to be back in a relationship because whatever romantic feelings I had for him has completely vanished into thin air. I even told him that I would even help him should he have any problems with his girlfriend. I have no intentions whatsoever to be involved with him again. Bottomline: I refused to go out with him because of the indecent proposals. He was sounding more psycho as the conversation went on.

As it turns out, that was all he wanted. When he finally got the point that I don't want to go out with him in any other way but as friends. He said "what's the point?". I almost wanted to just bang my head on the wall. So I gave up, I told him that I guess he's not mature enough to look beyond the past. I am in good terms with my other exes, and we absolutely got no problems being friends. But there always has to be an exception... and it has to be him. I told him that all I can offer him is friendship and if he chooses to deny it then I will respect it. Then he asked me for a favor. Here's an excerpt from the conversation:

X: will u do me a favor
me: wat
X: dont entertain me
me: as you wish..
X: regardless if am the 1 hu started 1st or watever, just dont talk to me
X: k
X: thanks
me: why cant you stop yourself from talking to me?
X: coz ur still in my list

I know, what an excuse. (I never really initiate conversations with him, even if he WAS on my list. it was him who oftens initiate it). The heated conversation continues:

me: well then remove me from your list
X: i will
me: if it's that difficult for you
X: NO
me: i dont know.. maybe you're just not mature enough
me: you cant even make your exes your friends
me: you can't see past it (the EX label)
X: coz i choose not to
me: coz you cant
X: ex is not a friend.....wats d use

So, basically, he couldn't see the point why exes can be friends... and I respect that. But he continued bickering until I got extremely irritated that even when he was still typing, I quickly clicked on the "Ignore" button. It's funny... he's the oldest ex (in terms of age) I have.. and yet he acts so immature. He was like that when we were still together... I guess some people never change.

Actually, when you come to think of it, it's not so bad that we're not friends... besides, I choose my friends well... and he was kind enough to help me make the right decision not to include him! Hahahahaha... ;P

Subconscious Mind

I woke up smiling today, coz I had one of the greatest dream I can remember. I dreamt of him today. It was really short, but vivid. He was there but it's as if that everybody knows he was away for a long while. It seemed that he just came back from a long vacation and I was sort of taking his clothes out of what seems like his luggage (how I wish it was really just that or maybe that's what my subconcious mind wants to believe). He was just like how he was when he was still here. Perky, jolly, lively, cheerful and can't stay put in one place. I remember I was telling him to stop moving around so much, he told me he can't because he has a lot of people to make happy, then he continued bouncing off the walls (not literally of course). Then, my mom woke me up coz it's time for work... sigh.

I spoke to him before I slept that afternoon, and I was telling him how much I miss him and how I wish to see him... and then by some miracle, I dreamt about him! I guess he's really just around. So, when I risked looking like a crazy person talking to no one, I was being heard after all...

Not A Perfect Day

When I woke up today, I sort of knew this was not my day. First, today is the day I go back to work after five consecutive days of not working (somehow, my rest days got accumulated). Second, I really HAVE to go to Diliman to do some research (Have, meaning, I don't want to but I need to). These are the thoughts in my mind the moment I woke up and that's not exactly how I wanted to welcome an otherwise beautiful day.

I left the house at 9am and I rode a jeepney going to Guadalupe (MRT). It slipped my mind that it's rush hour so the traffic is at its worst. What would normally take 15 minutes, took me an hour. Had I known that, I could have just taken a bus to MRT Buendia and so I wouldn't be as sweaty as I was when I got there. But at least, I got there in one piece. Went down at Quezon Avenue and almost got lost with the new loading zones.

Then I finally got to UP Diliman. So I went to library number 1, and got the book I needed. I thought my luck was starting to change but when I got to library number 2, my whole world crumbled. Nope, it's not because I didn't get the books I needed. My trip to library number 2 was successful (but the trip to library number 3 is not because it's already closed). Something rather unfortunate happened to my phone. It was acting up this morning, even with a newly recharged battery, it hangs. Then it's not accepting the correct PIN code. Then I keep losing signal. While I was walking towards library number 2, my phone memory is full of messages and I planned to deal with it when I get to my destination. Then the next time I looked at it... it's no longer flashing that yellow envelope signaling that I'm out of space... and the word INBOX is grayed out... my heart started to race as I click on it.. half-expecting that I'm just dreaming... then I saw the last thing I ever want to see happen on my phone.. NO MESSAGES. I almost wanted to cry and throw my phone out of the 3rd floor window. All his recent messages that I've been guarding like my life depended on it, gone in an instant, without warning and without a trace. I even refused to buy a new phone because his messages are stored in the phone memory and if I remove the sim card, it will all be gone. What's even frustrating is that this morning, I already freed up some space on my sim memory so that I can store the 20+ messages from him later on the day. It was lost before I had the chance to move them. They are nothing but a memory now. I almost wanted to collapse right then and there.

I quickly texted his sister, Ate Danette and two of my friends and told them about it (cause I was about ready to cry at that time and telling people how I feel really helps to make me feel better). She told me maybe it's God's way of telling me to move on. It's the same thing my friend told me. Coincidentally, I received their messages only seconds apart. Yup, maybe that's a sign... maybe I just didn't want to think of it as that (read: denial). I'm just quite not ready to let go... I'm sorry.

And so I visited him today (luckily I didn't get lost). But then, there are too many workers around (since the building is not yet finished and they're trying to complete it by November) and so I couldn't have a quiet moment with him. I think I have even stepped on a wet cement and quickly apologized to the worker who's, uhm.. working on it. Plus the sun was shining so brightly and I do not have anything to shield myself from it's strong rays. Fortunately though, the guard was an angel and was kind enough to lead me to his wall and lend me an umbrella and even offered to get me a chair. I said he doesn't really need to for I won't stay long (it's past 3pm and I got work later at night plus I haven't even had my lunch yet and I was about ready to faint). I stared at the wall for a while, whispered things to him while looking at his name on that wall while fighting back tears that are threatening to fall. Before I left, I promised I'd go back at a much better time.

And so I decided to go home and rest and eat, rode an FX to Buendia, again without realizing that it's a Friday thus it's traffic in Quiapo. I got home tired and hungry. So after eating a hearty meal, I snoozed for a few hours before I get myself ready for work. And that was practically how my day went. Certainly not perfect, but it was definitely meaningful and absolutely not a waste.

"THE" Reply

I was actually expecting a longer reply to my email, but I guess I didn't leave much for you to reply on... there's really not much to say...

I guess we did agree on most parts, however, I know you wish that my answer was based on the negativity that you were more or less showing. But then, I think it was better to base it on what is really there to begin with and not on what is lacking. I was real honest with my reasons because I think you deserve to know the truth. I am sorry if the truth has scarred you. You know it was really not my intention.

Also, you don't have to blame yourself, as you have said it, maybe the pressure around us was partly to blame so it was really not mainly your fault. There are some situations where we are not in control of. Some things are really bound to happen, I guess. As what I kept telling you, it is better to take the risk than to wonder all your life "what if" and telling yourself "if only" (seems like I should make this my motto coz I have sooo often used this line). At least, somehow, you found your peace.

I'm also sorry if I gave you any false expectations. I'm sorry if I seemed so cruel by not telling you right away. But you know how I'm not used to turning people down. You know how hard it is for me to be upfront with my answer, no matter what the circumstance is, especially when the answer is "no". The nearest answer I can give to a "no", is a "maybe" or a "why not". I am just not that good with negativity. I wasn't built that way.

At least, there's still something good that came out of this situation. I mean, at least, the friendship was still saved somehow. If anything, I think it made the friendship even stronger (although there was a time when we kept on arguing and it seemed that the friendship was on the brink of falling apart but then, things changed for the better). A lot better than what we have expected it to turn out. Like I told you, things will straighten themselves out eventually.

For what it's worth, thank you for understanding the situation I am in and for all the things you have done. I am sure you'll eventually find the happiness you truly deserved. I may still be on the way to recovery... and God only knows when I will finally have the strength to live again... but somehow, it's reassuring to know that you're still there in spite of everything...

Comfort Zone

I know its been months since he was gone. But I still can't stop thinking about him and wishing he was still here. I hate being alone because it makes me miss him even more. I really do not know if I'll ever get over it all. It's just, I don't know, too damn hard! Before I've been telling him how I cannot seem to last a day without him. Now I realize how true it seems. He just became my world and now I can't get back to how I was before he came. He became sooo much a part of my life that I feel like I'm severely crippled.

And sometimes, I feel like I do not want to get over it. Now, the feeling that is emerging is one of fear. I fear for the day that I might forget everything about him. Over time, I might forget how it feels to be with him. I might forget how it feels to hug him, hold him or kiss him. More importantly, I might forget the feelings I have for him. I might forget all the wonderful memories we've shared. Basically, I have decided to live in the past. I honestly refuse to move on for the meantime. I just don't want to forget and I don't want to do anything that would make me forget.

Just the other day, I've watched the movie 'My Sassy Girl". A romantic comedy about real life incidents (they say) written by Kim Ho-sik that tells about his weird relationship with his eccentric girlfriend. I could totally relate to the girl in the movie and I wish I can get a transcript of that girl's letter. I'm planning to watch it again soon, but not until I have more than 2 hours free time coz the movie is THAT long. But still, I so love that movie. Plus the timing when I watched it can't be better.

On other news, there are a lot of changes going on in the workplace. Now they've become stricter than ever. First, they prohibit the use of cellphones on the floor. Then, they prohibit browsing on workstations even if you're just checking mail. Now, they made a policy which prohibits bringing of personal belongings onto the Operations Floor. Now, ain't that crazy talk? We have to stow our stuff in our lockers before proceeding to our respective workstations like it's a baggage counter. The locker is not even that big enough. If I place my pillow and blanket there, there won't be enough space for my other stuff! What's even worse is that two people share one locker. Outrageous. But wait, there's more! We're no longer allowed to post stuff on the monitor frame or cubicle wall. Not even a simple note unless approved by the manager. Also, nothing should be left under or on the desk after shift. Not a single manual or clearbook. They've even installed surveillance cameras to make sure I won't sleep even during my lunch time. I guess they were bitten by that Big Brother bug. Next thing you know, we'll be in uniforms. I mean, what kind of work environment is that? I feel like I'm in military school for crying out loud! And they're expecting us to treat the workplace as if it's "Home Sweet Home"? Well, they can expect mass resignation anytime soon. We're all honestly just waiting for our 13th month pay and then we'll probably say goodbye to "Home Sweet Home". If I seriously don't have bills to pay right now, I would have chosen to be unemployed by now.

Obviously right now I hate changes. I do not want to leave my comfort zone, a good friend had observed. Recently, I have refused another substantial change to happen. It was time that I become honest and tell the person what I really think before he thinks I'm using him or taking advantage of the situation. It wasn't easy really but it was somehow poisoning the friendship. I just hope he does not go into bouts of self-pity again and think it's all his fault cause it's really nobody's fault. I don't exactly know the gravity of what I've done, but I feel like I'm gonna know soon. I'm afraid I might not like it. The truth does set us free, but telling it is never easy. And it does more than set us free. Sometimes, the consequence is not what we hoped it to be. As for me, I'm still wishing everything will be alright... back to how it was before. Sigh. The past can be so enticing sometimes. If I can travel through time, I'd rather go to the past than the future. The closest thing to time travel that I can do is to sleep and dream. It's truly my favorite "past time". :)

just trying this thing out

this is cool, i can actually email my blogger and then it will... erm, it
SHOULD.. be automatically posted.. let's try this..