Who I Want to Meet

Who I Want to Meet:

>An angel who comforts me, takes care of me and makes sacrifices to be with me.
>A protector who will keep me safe from any harm.
>A gallant knight who will fight for me.
>A prince charming who makes me feel like I'm the most beautiful princess he ever saw.
>Someone who can understand me when I get complicated, moody and crazy, all at the same time.
>Someone who loves, respects and accepts EVERYTHING about me.
>Someone who truly knows how to love unconditionally and unselfishly.
>Someone who lets me know his innermost feelings and have always been so honest about everything.
>Someone loyal and wants to be with only me and no one else.
>Someone who knows how to say "no" to temptation, a.k.a. other girls.
>Someone who never makes a promise he couldn't keep.
>Someone heaven-sent who will stand by me, no matter what happens.
>Someone who'd probably be one in a million.
>Someone who is worth spending my life with.
>All of these rolled into one, a someone, I may have already met...

I so love Multiply...

...totally love it that from now on, most of my posts will be made there instead of here.

Of course I would still be posting here, this site sort of has sentimental value to me. This is the first blog that I ever had in my entire life! Although, the stuff that I'll be posting here from now on will only discuss general topics about my life, such as the movies I watch, lyrics of songs I listen to, new stuff I download from the net, most recent purchases, what I did for the day or week or month, what I will do the next day or week or month, usual stuff that any stranger can know. Stuff that won't incriminate me in any way. Stuff that you tell people you just met or people who know nothing about me. Stuff that the public can know. Mostly boring stuff.

All other things such as biased/unbiased opinions, random thoughts, incoherent ramblings, confessions, accusations, sentiments, revelations, rants & raves about love, life, people, person, situation, whatever stuff that only my friends can know... will be posted on Multiply and most probably, shared only to either my network or my contacts. That's what I love about Multiply, you can post almost anything and everything without actually losing much of your privacy. You can actually choose who will be able to view what you posted, could be Everyone, Your Network or Your Contacts or to certain Individuals. That way, I can monitor the people who will view my stuff and let my friends know interesting stuff about my life (if there's any!) while filtering out those people who'd be happier not knowing... Now ain't that just perfect?!

So if you have a Multiply site, you can add me as a contact by going to http://aisevs.multiply.com/ so you can view those incriminating stuff I'm telling you about. Of course, your request to be added would still be subject to my approval.

P.S.
My birthday post for 2007 will be there... ;P

Holy Week at Tagaytay

Everyone is out of town during the Holy Week. While everyone's baking themselves under the sun at the beach, we're cooling off at Tagaytay. We were there from Maundy Thursday til Araw ng Kagitingan. five straight days! When we got there, it was raining and I really love it when it rains there. The wind is cool, the trees look greener and the road looks uhm, fresh. Too bad it only lasted for a day or two. It's really relaxing to stay there. I get to jog in the morning and walk in the evening around the village. After a few days, my legs hurt from walking uphill and downhill. It's the only time I get to exercise. We also went to church (Our Lady of Lourdes) on Saturday evening, and attended the Easter Vigil that lasted for two and a half hours (that's from 9-11:30). On that vigil, we also witnessed a baptism wherein the priest dips the baby into a tub of water thrice. The babies were so cute when they wriggle after being dipped into the water. We also roasted marshmallows and hotdogs, went stargazing (for around 5 minutes), went to market to buy junk food (I really love meringue), watched DVDs and Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy and Prison Break, it was really fun and relaxing. Oh and I spent my birthday there as well, but that would be on another post. =P

Fixed it!

Yet another bonding moment for us cousins. But this time we went on a trip.. to the salon. We were both raving to have that "side-swept" bangs since Saturday, so we went to the mall to get 'em today. I also needed to have my hair color fixed because my ex-stylist left the hair coloring product a little too long that the result was too light for my taste and it looked a little uneven. In other words, it looked bad. And this was the same stylist that gave me a really bad hair day last year that I had to spend thousands to rebond my hair. I went back because was hoping he/she will redeem herself but he/she failed me. I've trusted him/her for years, but that's the last time I'll ever let him/her touch my hair.

We went to four salons before we decided on one that's worth our money. My cousin got her pretty side-swept bangs haircut (and she's real happy about it) while I got a bit longer version of it, plus hair color and hot-oil treatment (and I'm real happy about it too). We spent the whole afternoon there and I had a chit-chat with the stylist's assistant (I don't know how they're actually called) in Bicolano dialect (which I haven't spoken in years). It's good to brush up on that sometimes, it might help you score a discount, you know. So anyway, after almost three hours, we both left the salon looking good and feeling great! That's exactly how each salon trip should be. We're soooo going back! She was raving about her cute side-swept bangs all day long and we were continuously praising each other's looks till we get home. I really love doing stuff to my hair. I don't really know why. Even if we all know they're composed of dead cells, i feel relaxed somehow. Check out our summer look:

Bataan Trip!

My cousin and I tagged along with our moms' aero club summer trip to Bataan. We decided to go because we both haven't been to Bataan, and we didn't have to shed a single cent because we're with our moms! Hehehe. Besides, in a week, it will be Araw ng Kagitingan, and what better way to commemorate it than going to the Dambana ng Kagitingan itself! Perfect time to brush up on history! It was actually the highlight of our trip, we didn't enjoy the trip to their friends' farms that much. Isn't it obvious, most of the pix we're taken there! ;P

300

This is a movie I wouldn't mind watching twice. I got engrossed that I got the game on my PSP and it was nothing short of awesome.

The movie is based on Frank Miller's graphic novel of the same title. Basically, the story's as simple as an army of 300 Spartans going to battle against a thousand Persians. Reason for battle is the usual political conflicts and whatnots. It's visually stimulating. I agree with most of the reviews that says it was like watching a video game in a theater. I watched the movie and played the game. The transition between the two was seamless. If you want to watch the movie because of the battle scenes, you won't go home disappointed. There's plenty of it in the movie. Lots of blood, gore, some nudity. Rated R stuff. I would say everything was very artistically done. I really did appreciate what I saw in this movie. I do not know much about King Leonidas, Sparta, Xerxes and all of them hard-to-spell names before I watched the movie. But somehow after watching, it made me want to know more about them and the story behind what I watched. That's why I don't mind watching it again...

The Space Between

by Dave Matthews Band

You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell And hope to keep safe from the pain
But will I hold you again?

These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here

The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...

Heroes (TV Series)

When I heard about Heroes, I was hesitant to watch it. Mainly because I'm already watching five TV series, namely, Grey's Anatomy, Smallville, Desperate Housewives, One Tree Hill and The OC (plus The Simpsons if you include animated series). I was thinking that once I watch it, it will be harder for me to keep up with the other TV series that I'm watching. But then there was a day, wherein I actually ran out of stuff to download...so I said to myself, what the heck, I'll try one episode... then I got hooked...real bad.

After watching a few more episodes, I totally got addicted and I could no longer stop myself from being a total Heroes junkie. It's different from all the other series I'm watching (except probably Smallville) because it's like Marvel or DC on TV. This instantly became one of my top series of choice (meaning it's prioritized in my download queue). Wikipedia says, "The series tells the story of several people who "thought they were like everyone else... until they woke with incredible abilities" such as telepathy, time travel and flight. These people soon realize they have a role in preventing a catastrophe and saving humankind". Simple and yet captivating. My favorite character so far is Hiro Nakamura (Masi Oka), who has the power to manipulate space-time continuum. His character is quite amusing and he provides the humor in the story. Of course, there are some good-looking characters such as Peter Petrelli (Milo Ventimiglia) and the villain Sylar (Zachary Quinto). It's really a must-see for comic fans because it's basically like a comic book that came to life on TV. So much so that Stan Lee made an appearance as a bus driver in episode 16. So if you liked comic book heroes, there's no way you won't like this...

Ghost Rider is Fun

I'm really not a Marvel fan, neither am I a DC fan. I don't really know much about the lives of these characters. One thing I know though, is that I enjoyed watching films about them. Ghost Rider, is no exception.
I've watched this just last night and it's cool! In my opinion, Nicolas Cage portrayed the role of Johnny Blaze quite well. It would have helped if I knew a little more about the legend of the Ghost Rider before I watched the film. Yeah, they tried to establish it in the movie but the relaying could still be improved and a little more information wouldn't hurt (but what the heck do i know, right?) Anyway, what I liked best are the special effects. Flaming skull, the 'transfiguration' of the bike, other scary elements and stuff are not extraordinary but are still kewl. The romance thing was a little half-baked though. The action scenes are quite short and lacks a bit more, uhm, action. It may not be one of the best movies to watch, but it sure is a lot of fun. And that's the reason why I watch movies, to have fun!

I'm Toast! (Literally)

My friends and I went to Puerto Galera last weekend and I my only rant is that I got sunburns all over my back (and some on my front. Hehe). I think it's either due to excessive sun bathing or the sunblock I put on has expired. Hehehe. It's really red and it's so bad that it's painful to sleep lying down or to even put on a simple tee! But anyway, it was all worth it. I wasn't actually going but I changed my mind within the week. The four of us went on ahead last Friday while the rest (meaning 8 more) followed on Saturday then we all stayed until Sunday. I was about to extend my stay until Monday because my other friends were also there. However, the burns were so bad that I don't think it's wise to spend another day under the scorching heat of the sun.

I had a blast! Friday, since there's just four of us, it's not practical to snorkel or to rent a banana boat so after we got a place to stay, we spent most of the day relaxing by the beach (sunbathing day one). Saturday, after breakfast we started baking ourselves at around 9am until noon (sunbathing day two). As soon as the rest of the gang arrived, we rented a banana boat (where I got a nasty bruise) then had our skin painted (I got two for P150) then got a massage (it was my first time to get one and I wasn't that satisfied). I lost my white sundress somewhere along the way. Then, we had a few booze (mindoro sling) and then I hit the sack at around 1am. I bailed out on my friend (who was with another set of friends) just because I was too tired to do anything else. Sunday, we had breakfast then baked ourselves under the sun again from 11am til 1pm (sunbathing day three). We took a dip for a few minutes where the water was really clear and cool (and where we got stung by freaking jellyfishes). The others went snorkeling while we relaxed by the beach. I bought myself another bathing suit, some accessories and some other stuff. We left at 3pm and I got home at 730ish. It was really fun and I enjoyed every moment... except when I got this stupid sunburn! =P

The Way I Am in a Relationship

This is an excerpt from my Relationship IQ Report (it's quite interesting and very detailed, you may want to try it.). They say I have a Relationship IQ of 123. They say "Your Relationship IQ measures what you know about relationships compared to others. It is built off the foundation of the traditional IQ test, where 68% of people who take this test worldwide score between 85 and 115". Turns out I know a lot about relationships compared to others! Hah! Then, they also looked into the four Relationship IQ dimensions: Acceptance, Communication, Conflict Resolution, and Intimacy and Sex. I scored highest on Conflict Resolution. They even discussed each dimension on the report. And yeah, you may find the test at Tickle. (Yup, I know, I have too much time on my hands... and yes, I know it seems that I'm actually starting to believe this thing.)

You, it turns out, are a Supporter in relationships. (I know that didn't sound right... hehehe)

Your passion for life runs through every aspect of your relationship. You are more than a significant other to your significant other. You are their best friend. Relationships are very important to you, and you'll do anything to help out your partner. You're there for them and are willing to pitch in wherever they need help — whether it's cooking a nice meal when they're tired, or helping them with a problem they don't even know they have yet. They can count on you for just about anything and that's what helps make your relationships so strong.

You're incredibly supportive of your partner's dreams and ambitions. Your ability to pay attention to their hopes and desires helps them as they define their goals. And they probably come to rely on that. You're also not afraid to roll up your sleeves and help further their causes — whether canvassing neighborhoods with election posters for your sweetie, showing up for a work function, or taking care of their chores around the house. You're also someone who's probably willing to put aside your hopes and dreams for your partner's. Your kind and giving soul is energized when you see that your support has helped your partner reach their dreams.

But even people as supportive as you get into arguments with their partners. When you do, you may find yourself agreeing with your partner so the discussion will end amicably. It's not that your views have necessarily changed, but you may behave as if they have just to keep the peace. It takes a lot for you to have a spat, but it doesn't take long to kiss and make up. In fact, that's the easiest part of a disagreement for you.

Your playful sexual nature shines through both in and outside the bedroom. Your feelings during sex are important to you, and the art of lovemaking takes the front seat in your relationship. Physical intimacy makes you feel accepted by your lover, and lets you communicate how powerful your emotions are.

You want the same thing that you give to your partner: complete and utter acceptance. You accept your loved one unconditionally, and you want to experience that feeling yourself. Leave the emotional highs and lows for the big screen — you don't want someone who plays games. You appreciate a partner who knows what they want and like, and who is caring and open to you. It's important for you to connect with your partner during sex. You need to feel a bond with your lover, and physical intimacy allows you to express how deep your feelings run.

Your kind and gentle nature can sometimes put you at risk. Some people might find it easy to take advantage of you, and that could make for some uncomfortable situations. Since you're so easygoing, you tend to put on a happy face even when you're upset inside. You'll put up with the conditions, but deep down you're irritated that your significant other has failed to understand you.

What Kind of a Girlfriend am I?

just in case you're wondering... Tickle says I am this:

Aileen, you're a Steady Supporter

Stand by your man — that's just something you naturally do. Once you've committed to a relationship, you are a constant companion who enjoys the comfort and stability that comes from being a couple. Not quick to judge, accuse, or think the worst, you have a lot of trust (in him and in yourself), and you rarely worry about where he is or who he's with.

For you, mutual respect is of utmost importance. You are comfortable and confident in your own skin, making you a great pillar of strength in all your relationships. Whether he's striving to climb a mountain or land a promotion, you have his back. Best part is, you know he's got yours too.

Tickle's Inkblot Test

took this test online... interesting results:

Aileen, your subconscious mind is driven most by Kindness

This means you have a deep desire to be kind and fair to others. You may even be preoccupied with finding kindness in the world around you, far more than you realize on a conscious level.

It is possible that the underlying reason you seek kindness in the world around you, is that you fear cruelty, the opposite of kindness. That could drive you to unconsciously project kindness wherever possible into your world. Regardless of its origin, your steadfast adherence to being kind to others is felt by people you are close to.

You are probably more susceptible than others to being overwhelmed by emotions — both yours and others'. It is possible that your unusually empathic nature is a result of your natural sensitivity to others' pain, and your desire to help them avoid it. For this reason, things might affect you more than they affect your friends and family. To protect yourself from too much emotional intensity, you might want to keep an eye out so you can recognize it when it starts. That will allow you to slow things down until you feel grounded again.

Overall, your strong orientation towards kindness gives you an optimistic nature, which translates into you seeing the best in the people around you. Because you're not one to be overly judgmental, others may seek out your company when they need a friend to talk to. People close to you likely know that you care deeply about the inner lives of others and can listen to what they have to say without imposing your views on them.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Kindness, there is much more to who you are at your core.

Surgical Pathology Consultation Report

Here are the results of the excision biopsy:

Gross and Microscopic Description:

Specimen consists of a piece of pink-tan, firm, multinodular tissue measuring 2.5 x 1.7 x 1.2 cm. Cut sections show a white, smooth surface. Surgical margins are inked. Representative sections taken (2, 1 cassette).

sf/bb
----------

Sections show tissue with compactly arranged glands, some of which are cystically dilated and supported by a fibrous and proliferative stroma. In some areas, due to this proliferation, the glands are compressed assuming a slit-like appearance.

Histophatological Diagnosis:
Fibroadenoma and Fibrocystic change

IN LAYMAN'S TERM: nothing to worry about... hehehe.

Follow-up to Stitch Up 2

I've set my alarm for 5:30 AM and it went off right on time. Jan 22, 2007 is the day I go under the knife once again...

Early in the morning, I had an egg sandwich for breakfast, took a shower, and do my rituals like any ordinary day. My mom and I headed for the hospital a few minutes before 7 AM. I submitted my documents and I sat in the waiting room donning their patient's dressing gown, with a name tag on my wrist a few minutes before 8 AM.

While I was in the waiting room, another patient, probably in his mid-40's, came in. He seems to be slightly of Japanese decent. He looks like someone who holds a high position in a company. He sat a seat away from me. Then after a few moments of silence, he started to have conversation with me. I remember his first words were, "You look scared. You should relax." I almost wanted to act on defensive mode and say "I'm not!" but then I stopped myself and told him, "Yeah" and beamed a nervous smile. He's right. I was all nervous. Anything related to hospitals makes me nervous. Even the simplest task of getting my blood pressure scares the sh*t out of me. So our conversation went on, we talked about the procedures we're going to go through. He's gonna get his eyebags fixed because he said it bothers him a lot during meetings. But he won't be going under the knife, he said they're just going to do a laser treatment. That explains why he's not as nervous as I was. Then when he learned the procedure I'm going to go through, he went on and told me what happened to his mom when she was about to undergo the same procedure. He sort of assured me that everything will go fine, just like how it went with his mom. Then one of the staff turned on the TV, the segment was on people who survived cancer. He was quick to say that I shouldn't be watching it and he was kind enough to change the channel for me. His name was called a few minutes later (I think the nurse called him Sir Jay or Jake). Before he was escorted out, he wished me well and told me that he's going to pray for me. I smiled at him and said my thanks. He seemed to be so kind-hearted that I almost wanted him to adopt me. Hehehe.

Anyway, a few minutes later, around 8:30 AM, I was escorted to the operating room. They strapped me to the bed and prepared me for the operation. My doctor and two more doctors who will be assisting him are there. The anesthesia they injected was quick and strong that I almost dozed off. But the doctor seem to want me to keep awake because he always asks me if I'm okay. The procedure only went on for like 5-10 minutes and it's just the stitching up that took long. They stitched and I think, burned the wound because I sort of saw them 'welding' it (if that's the term for that).

Everything went well, the doctor advised me to have two days rest so I was on medical leave for two days. The wound stings sometimes but it's manageable. The stitch was around an inch and a half long. A bit longer than the previous one. The doctor showed me what he removed, and it was bigger than I expected. He told me not to worry, it doesn't seem harmful or anything. We'll see what the final findings will be.

Stitch Up 2

I'm maximizing my health insurance while it lasts so I went to the hospital this week. I'm scheduled to have a minor operation on Monday morning. I'm all nervous about it, like I haven't done this before (Please refer to my Oct 2004 post 'Stitch Up' on http://onthevergeofinsanity.blogspot.com).

Well, it's been well over two years since I had my last operation and it's with a different doctor so nervousness is a valid emotion. The doctor said I need around seven days of rest after the operation, but he said if my work is not that heavy, I could get back after two days. So he wrote a letter advising me to take two days rest. The doctor is a bit older than the one I had before, but he's quite nice. He seems like someone you'd love to chitchat with (maybe we can do that while I'm being sliced open). After that I'll have a sonomammogram. Before I thought of getting the sono before the operation, but when I had it scheduled, earliest slot available is Jan 31st. It's too far so I asked him if he can just operate and then do the sono. He's ok with it so that's what I'm gonna do. I told him I'm really tired of having physical exams because they always find it each time. So benign or not, I want to get rid of it for good. At least now, I can get the biopsy for it. The last doctor who operated on me died an untimely death so I was not able to get back there to get the results. We'll see what comes up...

Snowglobe Update

So far, my collection has improved... from 3 to 7, and counting! Actually, it's supposed to be 8. (Yes, Jay, I'm including the musical snowglobe that you have there... hehehe). Thanks to everyone who has contributed to my collection. It makes it even more precious that you gave them and I will surely treasure them, no matter what... Thanks a lot! (hey, that rhymes!)

Year-Ender Post 2006

It's almost the end of the year and since I'll be spending New Year's Eve in our house in Tagaytay and I am fully booked for tomorrow, now will be the perfect time to wrap up the whole year into another measly year-ender post... But before I start, let's travel back in time and take a quick look at my previous year ender posts:

Year-Ender Post 2004

"The year is closing to an end... and I just couldn't help getting all emotional about it... I just wasted another year of my life. I did nothing in this year that I should be proud of. All I did was to make all the wrong decisions and deal with its endless consequences. Honestly speaking, I'm tired of taking the same bull* everyday... for a year! But I've no one else to blame but me (and that's the saddest part of all!) I know, this may seem like another one of my bitter entries, but it's really the only way I could get by. Or else, I'd go crazy. Besides, it's not like I forced you to read this, right? But anyway, I hope the year ahead will be much better than this one. I'm gonna wipe the slate clean and start all over again. Try to straighten up my crooked life. Wish it was that easy to do."

Year-Ender Post 2005

"I would have really wanted to sum up the year with a really long year-ender post... recounting the events that happened, lessons learned, people met, people lost, etc. And then write another really long year-starter post... about hope for tomorrow, new years resolution, plans, dreams, wishes, etc.... but my enthusiasm to write sort of vanished... so I'll just roll them up in one really short post.

It wasn't really much of a good year... That's it! Year-ender post, summed up in one sentence!

And as for my Year-starter post... given the fact that it wasn't really much of a good year... and so why in the world would I think that this year would be any different?!?!?"

In my opinion, on Year Ender Post 2004, I sounded pathetic... while on Year Ender Post 2005, I sounded drunk... made me think how will I sound this year... so to prevent history from repeating itself, let me start off by asking the right questions to myself: What are the major things that happened on my 23rd year on earth? Did I even learn a freakin' thing out of it? Did I somehow manage to make more friends than enemies this year? Did I even do anything to be proud of? Overall, how did the year 2006 went for me?

The year started with me being sort of promoted to level three work, which consequently made me earn a bit more than last year. It was a whole new experience for me and I did learn a lot from it. It was rewarding at first, until later this year, it got kinda old. Early on the year, I was able to buy a new phone and left my old one with a heavy heart. I was on blog-leave for a while. I had a great four-day long birthday celebration. I had a loser-y summer and was only able to go to Galera. I turned into a Prison Break and Grey's Anatomy fan. I had an urge to buy PSP mid-year and only decided to get one before the year came to a close. Of course, I made a bunch of mistakes, always, one after the other. And as expected, I got all dramatic about it. I met someone who made me happy for a while and then let's not talk about that... Got rid of my braces and moved on to retainers. I miss bubu once in a while (still do). I finally got rid of my Globe plan which I had for three or four years. So I went back to the number I had for 8 years. I had a really bad hair cut but got it fixed in no time but with lots of money. I got really ill for a full week or so. My personal space started to be invaded by complete strangers. I got accused of something I'm not or I never did or I'm not to be blamed about. I started my snowglobe collection with a little help from my friends. I made a lot of friends, but I honestly never considered anyone an enemy. I've always been understanding and I know how to see beyond the actions. I may question people for what they do, but I never blame them for it.

Most important thing that happened this year? I have learned. To be strong. To trust no one but myself. To never explain to anyone. To stop being kind to everyone except to those who deserve it. To be wise and not stupid or blinded by anything. To stop deceiving myself. To live up to my own decisions. To enjoy life. To live the life I wanted.

Honestly, I learned a lot this year. Most of them are important things in life. I feel really lucky to have survived this year. I am lucky that I was able to get out of a really ugly situation without a bruise, while others had no choice but to live with it and be content with hearing lies. I know better than to live a life full of lies. I am happy to know the things I know and be able to do the things that I want to do. Life is good. I think I'm all set for 2007. Bring it on.

No Explanations

Who would have thought that someone really close to you could betray you for something so trivial and then cause such negative effect in your life... and that person couldn't have chosen a more perfect time to do it. A few days before Christmas is just about right. That person thinks her actions won't hurt anyone, but what she didn't know was that it had a ripple effect. People that that person don't even know personally has already been gravely affected... of course, mine sustained most of the damage.

Consequently, it pushed me into a corner... and so I have no other choice but to sacrifice the things that I've held on to for so long. I guess its the only way to shut them all out. I came to a point where I've let other people take control of me. I've basically been bound and gagged. Now, I want to be free. I'm just tired of it all and I wanna be left alone for once in my life. To be away from disapproving stares, hushed whispers and judgmental thinking that I know I don't deserve. And finally, to stop being the cause of such drama.

But enough of that crap, I won't explain anything to anyone for two reasons. My true friends won't need it and the rest won't believe it anyway. So if I say it's not true, I don't need to explain it nor do I need to convince you to believe it. Take it or leave it. The conversation begins and ends there. Choose your side.

After this storm, I will have learned to live by these words: "It doesnt matter what other people think or say... you don't live to please them... what matters is, you've made the most of what you have, you had fun, you learned from what you've done and you've lived thru it all despite the gossips and intrigues. That's being real... just live a life fearless of other people's shadow..."

Confused? So am I. But like I said, I don't owe anyone explanations... I'm just letting the demons out before the new year comes...

Guess Who Stole Christmas?

Each year, it's starting to become a tradition to be visited by a Grinch who never fails to ruin my Christmas... Of course, I don't want to post something so negative on a day that's supposed to be merry and bright so I wrote this in my journal first before I actually posted this, just to let the inner demons out.

This year, the Grinch was someone I least expect him to be. The person created such stir and such chaos that it affected other people as well. The fire widely spread itself uncontrollably and caused irreparable damage. I feel sorry for the people who got affected by it. But mostly, I feel sorry for myself that I wasn't able to contain it before it went too far. Now is just a tad too late.

I'm at the end of my rope. It has happened far too many times that if it ever happened again, I'll be at my wits' end. So to end it, I got to make myself less and less visible, until they don't see me at all anymore...