Christmas Eve

It's finally Christmas, and what a way to welcome it. I woke up at 730 pm on the 24th of December, and what do I find? Some of the priceless pictures on my phone, disappeared into thin air, without anyone even touching it. All was left in place of it was a red X (so if anyone reading this knows how to tech it, lemme know). Again, it's automatically restarting itself, and rejecting the correct PIN a few times, and emptying the Inbox on its own. The total free space I now have is 600kb, when previously it was just at 32kb. So meaning, that's more than 500kb worth of pictures lost. It's haunted. Possessed. Screaming for a replacement. Well, I'm sorry, even if you force me to replace it, I don't have the money for it (See "New Acquisition" post). And I won't really "replace" it, because I'd still keep it and I won't sell it.

Well, something good came out of it. Since the Inbox was emptied, there was enough space for all the Christmas greetings I received. I didn't have to go through the trouble of deleting saved messages. But still, I'd rather have the photos back.

I proposed that we attend mass on the night of 24th instead because I had plans for Christmas morning. I planned to visit Bubu on Christmas morning. Then go back home for Christmas Lunch with the family. Then spend time in the afternoon with my best friend (to buy our soon-to-be-married friend a gift). Then play Need for Speed Most Wanted on Christmas night.

But anyway, we all know Christmas is not about me. It's about Him, his birthday. So I shouldn't really sulk about the bad things that are happening in my life. At least for a day, I should forget all about it and be happy because it's Christmas. God's birthday is definitely reason enough to celebrate and be happy... So I'll do everything I can to be happy... and looking at my whole-day plan on spending Christmas, I think they all point to the road to happiness... Merry Christmas everyone! :P

Song For The Moment

Without You
by After Image

I know it's over now
I can't believe we're through
If this is what you need
There's nothing I can do
But where am I to go
What have I to choose
Rememberin' our days
Just makes me want to cry
We tried so hard I know
But still we said goodbye

So where am I to go
What have I to choose
When I built my world around you
Gotten used to see your smile
Hear you whisper late at night
Now I've nothing left to lose
'Cause I know I'm without you

If only fate were kind
Then I'd be holding you
And we'd be like before
But destiny was cruel

So where am I to go
What have I to choose
When I built my world around you
Gotten used to see your smile
Hear you whisper late at night
Now, I've nothing left to lose
'Cause I know I'm without you, oh hoh
Without you, woh hoh
Without you, there's no sunshine
Without you, only rain
And if there is tomorrow
I hope to ease my pain, to ease my pain

Gotten used to see your smile
Hear you whisper late at night
Now, I've nothing left to lose
'Cause I know I'm without you
I know it's over now

New Acquisition

It's December... and the malls are packed with people. At 11:45 am, Park Square 2 is filled with cars up to the 5th floor already, giving as the idea how crowded the malls are gonna be. But of course, it never stopped us from going there. Especially me. Why? Because I can feel that I'll be buying something really costly... But apparently, my mom was thinking of the same thought... and so my one month old credit card has already been pushed to its limit. My mom bought a new carpet, we were supposed to use my sister's credit card, but it didn't work... she knew I already have one, so we used mine instead.

But still, it didn't hinder me from buying something costly for myself... guess what that is... a new digigal camera! I got real envious of my friend who just splurged on a new cellphone and a digicam. Since I really do not wish to replace my phone, I bought a digicam instead! I chose that one, because I got a whole lotta freebies with that purchase. I got a free rechargeable batt with charger (worth a thousand bucks), flashlight, a rewards card for that store and other affiliated stores and 13 raffle coupons. I didn't tell my mom about my recent purchase yet, because I don't really know how she'd react. But knowing her, she might already know, if not she'll find it out sooner than expected...

November

November ends... and I only made two posts... and so now I'm going to cramp everything else in one post to make up for all those times I forgot to post or I was too tired or too lazy to write.

Anniversary. I might be developing amnesia. I forgot the death anniversary of a dear friend who passed away four years ago. She was my Science teacher on my first year of High School. The only teacher I've grown closed with and stayed in contact with until she went away. But good thing is I always pray for her for all those times I remember her. Like Bubu, I also wished she was still here. I can only imagine the stuff I'd be telling her if she was still around.

Shopping. for the most part of the month, I was not at work. I got two weeks off if you add it all up. Because I got three rest days (Mon, Tues, Thurs) if I go on leave on a Wednesday, that would be four days off. Then add the days where we were forced to go on leave... All in all, i got two weeks were I got 5 or 6 consecutive days off. Where did I go? I wished I could go to the beach, but thinking of the money I'd be spending... I rather go shopping. And I did! For this month, I bought four tank tops, few shirts, one capri pants, pouch bags, stuff for my hair, some gifts, pens, and all sorts of stuff I don't remember. I also got the Starbucks 2006 Planner! I completed the sticker album in two weeks! But it turns out, I won't be able to use it until the last week of December. So much for all the excitement.

Milestone. Had an argument with one of my closest friends. Over something quite trivial if you ask me. I was going on my way... telling him how my day went, like usual and then he suddenly started acting all weird on me. Made me feel like going out with an old flame is a crime. On my part, I don't really see anything wrong with it because I consider it just like hanging out with a friend. I don't do dates. He, of all people, should know that I'm not exactly ready to go on dates yet. Let alone, be involved with someone. And even if I was ready, I don't think he really should be acting that way. Quite uncalled for, which somehow made me lose my cool. Told him I'm not exactly enjoying the conversation, started giving one-word answers then decided to give it a rest and slept on it. After a few hours, he realized he was wrong and he immediately apologized. It was really just a petty fight, didn't even last a day... not that I want it to.

Birthday. It was one of my college friend's birthday, and I filed a leave for it because I know we would be spending the night at his place. However, I felt guilty somehow, that our groups seemed like the anti-social group. We didn't join his other friends on their drinking session, instead we huddled inside his room and took over his new cool pc. We had our own party and of course, my friend didn't look too happy about it. We were such party poopers.

November... still not so much of a great month for me. December isn't looking too good either. But, who knows...

Burnout

a dead guy asked God for one last day on earth to see and be with his girl... God granted the wish but too bad God also granted his girl's wish: to die for a day to see and be with him... one last time

The day I received this text message... it struck me so hard that even if I just woke up... I cried. I know the sender of the message didn't mean to send it, because she had no idea whatsoever about my situation and all. But just to give her a hint, I told her that I wish God can grant such wishes sometimes...

At this age of 22, I feel like I'm tired of life already. I feel like I've seen it all and I've done it all. I'm done with all the negativity in life. I'm burnt out. My best friend says I experienced too much too soon... and I couldn't agree more.

It's not that I'm being ungrateful of the life that was given to me... of course I'm thankful that my heart's still beating but with the way things are going, I'm not exactly sure I'd be able to survive long enough. It's just so freakin' hard. I've tried my very best... and I AM still trying... but it's really not helping that much... I've tried all approaches I know and I'm currently running out of ideas... I don't really know what to do anymore. Friends are a great help, but they can only take you so far. When I'm alone, I've to rely on myself. The rest is still really up to me. It appears I'm not really good with helping myself. I can help other people, but I can't help myself. I feel like I'm slowly letting myself down.

I sometimes feel like my blog really sucks (as what Jeff said on my tagboard). Another said it's too heavy. Too depressing to read. It's such a sorry blog. A great depiction of my sorry self. Maybe I should rename this as "The Great Depression" or something. Okay, enough already...

Todos Los Santos

Yesterday, like many families around the country, we visited our dearly departed relatives. I woke up at 7am after sleeping like a log for eleven hours. Our tito sent the all-new Nissan Urvan to fetch us since our driver is unavailable. So we set out first to go to Holy Cross Memorial Park before going to Bulacan. I was about to blog about the trip using my mobile phone but then I realized that I can only write a limited number of characters that even my introduction won't fit. So I decided to make a mental note of the trip instead.

We took a never-before-seen alternate route to Holy Cross Memorial Park. We made a wrong turn at first and ended up at a dead end on a steep and narrow road. Then we tried again, we took a turn on the right corner and the rest is an Amazing Race Family Edition experience. The signs we were trying to follow are so miniscule, it's so easy to miss it. Good thing my cousin has where's-waldo-trained-eyes that we were able to follow the miniature signs. On every turn, the road becomes narrower and narrower and then on the last turn we got to what seemed like a private property, that we're starting to wonder if we're on the right road. We continued on and we finally got to our destination at half the time it would have taken us if we took the road we used to take. Turns out it was the back gate. It does pay to take the road less travelled.

There weren't as much people as I've expected, but apart from that, everything seemed normal. We lit our candles, said our prayers, cleaned a little, ate our lunch, waited for the next batch of relatives and then left for Bulacan. We got there at around 2 pm . Like usual, we walked around the house and looked for interesting stuff. My tito is part of the production team for Encantadia (if I'm not mistaken, production director I think), so some of the props (and even the clothes) and some other stuff are there at the house. Also, my tito has a new gadget, he's got a laptop! And he showed us some pictures from the shooting. Then we saw Phantom of the Opera lying around on the table, so we watched it on his laptop. It was a nice movie and I liked the songs. Very theatrical. Me and my sister sat through it for more than 2 hours. I liked the movie, but not as much as I liked his laptop! Then, after eating a delicious palabok they bought somewhere, I took my usual afternoon nap. I woke up to eat dinner and right before we slept, my tito told us a scary story that's happening at our house. Our house is a really old spanish house complete with capiz windows, pillars and all that. The front road is almost like a main road where buses, jeepneys and tricycles drive by. He said some jeepney drivers asked him about an old lady standing upstairs by the window looking sternly at them. Apart from that, they also saw a beautiful lady in red clothing by the window. There are no longer any old ladies living in our house and no, I wasn't standing by the window wearing red (hehehe). It seems that they are pertaining to one of our lolas who died last 2003 (she's known to be masungit, so I guess that's her). So as not to scare the other people, they just made up names when they ask who it was. As for the beautiful lady in red, it was the life-size statue of the Virgin Mary that we have upstairs. La Virgen Dolorosa I think. (Sorry I wasn't able to take a picture of her but it's the one where she was crying and there's a stabbed heart on the chest). Every year during Holy Week, she's always a part of the procession. Way back when my tito's mom was still alive, she saw that beautiful lady in red lying down the bed. Quite miraculous they say but it scared me.

We visited the grave of my tito's mom, our lola, this afternoon. He made a theme for this year's Undas. This year, it's chinese (they say next year it's Filipiniana). It was complete with red rectangle-shaped papers around the grave, chinese lanterns, incense sticks, round fruits, chinese music, chinese food, chopsticks (on my hair) etc. My tito even donned a chinese outfit. All the people passing by never failed to look our way, one man even spilled the spaghetti he was carrying because he was too busy looking. My tito really knows how to attract attention from people. Here's a blurry picture of it:



I was planning to drop by Bubu's wall on our way home, but then we got home a bit late (around 9 PM). So I promised that I'd visit him tomorrow. Last Sunday, I bought a frame for the wallet size picture I got from Ate Danette and I can bring it whenever I visit him. I'm quite excited to see the finished columbarium, Ate Danette said the fountain near his wall is finished already. The last time I visited, I think they were just halfway through and so I couldn't stay longer. Now I can stay as long as I want!. Hehehe. I'll see yah tomorrow Bubu! ;P

Not All Exes Can Be Friends...

I have proven this just the other night. For the longest time, I was keeping in touch with an ex-boyfriend (from around three or more years ago) in hopes that we can be friends. He has a girlfriend (who's been with him for almost two years now I think) and he knows about my current situation. He was sympathetic about it at first, however, when we talked about plans on hanging out, we ended up arguing. Why? Because of his, somehow, indecent proposals... and what's even ridiculous is that he seriously thinks there's absolutely nothing wrong with it! I made it clear that I wanted us to be friends. I expect to be treated that way only and nothing more. It seems that he still did not see my point, no matter how many times I explain. So, I asked him if he still thinks I'm not over him. And believe me, he had the nerve to say yes. OH PUHLEEEZ! I tried to make him understand again how I certainly do not wish for us to be back in a relationship because whatever romantic feelings I had for him has completely vanished into thin air. I even told him that I would even help him should he have any problems with his girlfriend. I have no intentions whatsoever to be involved with him again. Bottomline: I refused to go out with him because of the indecent proposals. He was sounding more psycho as the conversation went on.

As it turns out, that was all he wanted. When he finally got the point that I don't want to go out with him in any other way but as friends. He said "what's the point?". I almost wanted to just bang my head on the wall. So I gave up, I told him that I guess he's not mature enough to look beyond the past. I am in good terms with my other exes, and we absolutely got no problems being friends. But there always has to be an exception... and it has to be him. I told him that all I can offer him is friendship and if he chooses to deny it then I will respect it. Then he asked me for a favor. Here's an excerpt from the conversation:

X: will u do me a favor
me: wat
X: dont entertain me
me: as you wish..
X: regardless if am the 1 hu started 1st or watever, just dont talk to me
X: k
X: thanks
me: why cant you stop yourself from talking to me?
X: coz ur still in my list

I know, what an excuse. (I never really initiate conversations with him, even if he WAS on my list. it was him who oftens initiate it). The heated conversation continues:

me: well then remove me from your list
X: i will
me: if it's that difficult for you
X: NO
me: i dont know.. maybe you're just not mature enough
me: you cant even make your exes your friends
me: you can't see past it (the EX label)
X: coz i choose not to
me: coz you cant
X: ex is not a friend.....wats d use

So, basically, he couldn't see the point why exes can be friends... and I respect that. But he continued bickering until I got extremely irritated that even when he was still typing, I quickly clicked on the "Ignore" button. It's funny... he's the oldest ex (in terms of age) I have.. and yet he acts so immature. He was like that when we were still together... I guess some people never change.

Actually, when you come to think of it, it's not so bad that we're not friends... besides, I choose my friends well... and he was kind enough to help me make the right decision not to include him! Hahahahaha... ;P

Subconscious Mind

I woke up smiling today, coz I had one of the greatest dream I can remember. I dreamt of him today. It was really short, but vivid. He was there but it's as if that everybody knows he was away for a long while. It seemed that he just came back from a long vacation and I was sort of taking his clothes out of what seems like his luggage (how I wish it was really just that or maybe that's what my subconcious mind wants to believe). He was just like how he was when he was still here. Perky, jolly, lively, cheerful and can't stay put in one place. I remember I was telling him to stop moving around so much, he told me he can't because he has a lot of people to make happy, then he continued bouncing off the walls (not literally of course). Then, my mom woke me up coz it's time for work... sigh.

I spoke to him before I slept that afternoon, and I was telling him how much I miss him and how I wish to see him... and then by some miracle, I dreamt about him! I guess he's really just around. So, when I risked looking like a crazy person talking to no one, I was being heard after all...

Not A Perfect Day

When I woke up today, I sort of knew this was not my day. First, today is the day I go back to work after five consecutive days of not working (somehow, my rest days got accumulated). Second, I really HAVE to go to Diliman to do some research (Have, meaning, I don't want to but I need to). These are the thoughts in my mind the moment I woke up and that's not exactly how I wanted to welcome an otherwise beautiful day.

I left the house at 9am and I rode a jeepney going to Guadalupe (MRT). It slipped my mind that it's rush hour so the traffic is at its worst. What would normally take 15 minutes, took me an hour. Had I known that, I could have just taken a bus to MRT Buendia and so I wouldn't be as sweaty as I was when I got there. But at least, I got there in one piece. Went down at Quezon Avenue and almost got lost with the new loading zones.

Then I finally got to UP Diliman. So I went to library number 1, and got the book I needed. I thought my luck was starting to change but when I got to library number 2, my whole world crumbled. Nope, it's not because I didn't get the books I needed. My trip to library number 2 was successful (but the trip to library number 3 is not because it's already closed). Something rather unfortunate happened to my phone. It was acting up this morning, even with a newly recharged battery, it hangs. Then it's not accepting the correct PIN code. Then I keep losing signal. While I was walking towards library number 2, my phone memory is full of messages and I planned to deal with it when I get to my destination. Then the next time I looked at it... it's no longer flashing that yellow envelope signaling that I'm out of space... and the word INBOX is grayed out... my heart started to race as I click on it.. half-expecting that I'm just dreaming... then I saw the last thing I ever want to see happen on my phone.. NO MESSAGES. I almost wanted to cry and throw my phone out of the 3rd floor window. All his recent messages that I've been guarding like my life depended on it, gone in an instant, without warning and without a trace. I even refused to buy a new phone because his messages are stored in the phone memory and if I remove the sim card, it will all be gone. What's even frustrating is that this morning, I already freed up some space on my sim memory so that I can store the 20+ messages from him later on the day. It was lost before I had the chance to move them. They are nothing but a memory now. I almost wanted to collapse right then and there.

I quickly texted his sister, Ate Danette and two of my friends and told them about it (cause I was about ready to cry at that time and telling people how I feel really helps to make me feel better). She told me maybe it's God's way of telling me to move on. It's the same thing my friend told me. Coincidentally, I received their messages only seconds apart. Yup, maybe that's a sign... maybe I just didn't want to think of it as that (read: denial). I'm just quite not ready to let go... I'm sorry.

And so I visited him today (luckily I didn't get lost). But then, there are too many workers around (since the building is not yet finished and they're trying to complete it by November) and so I couldn't have a quiet moment with him. I think I have even stepped on a wet cement and quickly apologized to the worker who's, uhm.. working on it. Plus the sun was shining so brightly and I do not have anything to shield myself from it's strong rays. Fortunately though, the guard was an angel and was kind enough to lead me to his wall and lend me an umbrella and even offered to get me a chair. I said he doesn't really need to for I won't stay long (it's past 3pm and I got work later at night plus I haven't even had my lunch yet and I was about ready to faint). I stared at the wall for a while, whispered things to him while looking at his name on that wall while fighting back tears that are threatening to fall. Before I left, I promised I'd go back at a much better time.

And so I decided to go home and rest and eat, rode an FX to Buendia, again without realizing that it's a Friday thus it's traffic in Quiapo. I got home tired and hungry. So after eating a hearty meal, I snoozed for a few hours before I get myself ready for work. And that was practically how my day went. Certainly not perfect, but it was definitely meaningful and absolutely not a waste.

"THE" Reply

I was actually expecting a longer reply to my email, but I guess I didn't leave much for you to reply on... there's really not much to say...

I guess we did agree on most parts, however, I know you wish that my answer was based on the negativity that you were more or less showing. But then, I think it was better to base it on what is really there to begin with and not on what is lacking. I was real honest with my reasons because I think you deserve to know the truth. I am sorry if the truth has scarred you. You know it was really not my intention.

Also, you don't have to blame yourself, as you have said it, maybe the pressure around us was partly to blame so it was really not mainly your fault. There are some situations where we are not in control of. Some things are really bound to happen, I guess. As what I kept telling you, it is better to take the risk than to wonder all your life "what if" and telling yourself "if only" (seems like I should make this my motto coz I have sooo often used this line). At least, somehow, you found your peace.

I'm also sorry if I gave you any false expectations. I'm sorry if I seemed so cruel by not telling you right away. But you know how I'm not used to turning people down. You know how hard it is for me to be upfront with my answer, no matter what the circumstance is, especially when the answer is "no". The nearest answer I can give to a "no", is a "maybe" or a "why not". I am just not that good with negativity. I wasn't built that way.

At least, there's still something good that came out of this situation. I mean, at least, the friendship was still saved somehow. If anything, I think it made the friendship even stronger (although there was a time when we kept on arguing and it seemed that the friendship was on the brink of falling apart but then, things changed for the better). A lot better than what we have expected it to turn out. Like I told you, things will straighten themselves out eventually.

For what it's worth, thank you for understanding the situation I am in and for all the things you have done. I am sure you'll eventually find the happiness you truly deserved. I may still be on the way to recovery... and God only knows when I will finally have the strength to live again... but somehow, it's reassuring to know that you're still there in spite of everything...

Comfort Zone

I know its been months since he was gone. But I still can't stop thinking about him and wishing he was still here. I hate being alone because it makes me miss him even more. I really do not know if I'll ever get over it all. It's just, I don't know, too damn hard! Before I've been telling him how I cannot seem to last a day without him. Now I realize how true it seems. He just became my world and now I can't get back to how I was before he came. He became sooo much a part of my life that I feel like I'm severely crippled.

And sometimes, I feel like I do not want to get over it. Now, the feeling that is emerging is one of fear. I fear for the day that I might forget everything about him. Over time, I might forget how it feels to be with him. I might forget how it feels to hug him, hold him or kiss him. More importantly, I might forget the feelings I have for him. I might forget all the wonderful memories we've shared. Basically, I have decided to live in the past. I honestly refuse to move on for the meantime. I just don't want to forget and I don't want to do anything that would make me forget.

Just the other day, I've watched the movie 'My Sassy Girl". A romantic comedy about real life incidents (they say) written by Kim Ho-sik that tells about his weird relationship with his eccentric girlfriend. I could totally relate to the girl in the movie and I wish I can get a transcript of that girl's letter. I'm planning to watch it again soon, but not until I have more than 2 hours free time coz the movie is THAT long. But still, I so love that movie. Plus the timing when I watched it can't be better.

On other news, there are a lot of changes going on in the workplace. Now they've become stricter than ever. First, they prohibit the use of cellphones on the floor. Then, they prohibit browsing on workstations even if you're just checking mail. Now, they made a policy which prohibits bringing of personal belongings onto the Operations Floor. Now, ain't that crazy talk? We have to stow our stuff in our lockers before proceeding to our respective workstations like it's a baggage counter. The locker is not even that big enough. If I place my pillow and blanket there, there won't be enough space for my other stuff! What's even worse is that two people share one locker. Outrageous. But wait, there's more! We're no longer allowed to post stuff on the monitor frame or cubicle wall. Not even a simple note unless approved by the manager. Also, nothing should be left under or on the desk after shift. Not a single manual or clearbook. They've even installed surveillance cameras to make sure I won't sleep even during my lunch time. I guess they were bitten by that Big Brother bug. Next thing you know, we'll be in uniforms. I mean, what kind of work environment is that? I feel like I'm in military school for crying out loud! And they're expecting us to treat the workplace as if it's "Home Sweet Home"? Well, they can expect mass resignation anytime soon. We're all honestly just waiting for our 13th month pay and then we'll probably say goodbye to "Home Sweet Home". If I seriously don't have bills to pay right now, I would have chosen to be unemployed by now.

Obviously right now I hate changes. I do not want to leave my comfort zone, a good friend had observed. Recently, I have refused another substantial change to happen. It was time that I become honest and tell the person what I really think before he thinks I'm using him or taking advantage of the situation. It wasn't easy really but it was somehow poisoning the friendship. I just hope he does not go into bouts of self-pity again and think it's all his fault cause it's really nobody's fault. I don't exactly know the gravity of what I've done, but I feel like I'm gonna know soon. I'm afraid I might not like it. The truth does set us free, but telling it is never easy. And it does more than set us free. Sometimes, the consequence is not what we hoped it to be. As for me, I'm still wishing everything will be alright... back to how it was before. Sigh. The past can be so enticing sometimes. If I can travel through time, I'd rather go to the past than the future. The closest thing to time travel that I can do is to sleep and dream. It's truly my favorite "past time". :)

just trying this thing out

this is cool, i can actually email my blogger and then it will... erm, it
SHOULD.. be automatically posted.. let's try this..

Of Dreams and Memories

Just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on HBO. It gave me a headache, but I can say that it was well worth it. It's a good movie because it makes you realize how precious memories are and how erasing it will only make matters worse. I mean, it's worse enough that you no longer have the person... what's worse than erasing whatever you have left of him/her. Before, I honestly wished I could have selective amnesia so that I can erase certain memories off my mind. But then, I wouldn't be what I am today without them (I know it sounds clicheic). So from then on, I learned how to cherish memories, both good and bad... only now, I concentrate more on the good ones.

Anyway, for the first time in a long time (I know it doesn't sound right), I dreamt of him! Although it was really reeeeaaaalllyyy short, I don't care (I just took a nap anyway so it's supposed to be short). I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car, and he was driving. The car seat is white. I was complaining, telling him he doesn't hold my hand while he's driving anymore. And he said his hand is on the clutch. After changing gears, he reached for my hand and held it... placed it on his lap. Just like before. At last, after all those sleep I've been doing, I got to see him and be with him in my dreams. That is why I keep sleeping whenever I get the chance... to be with him even for just a moment.

Thank God It's Saturday

Anyway, I went out with my college friends last night because it was Ana's birthday. I honestly did not think the plan to meet up would push through. We were all supposed to meet up at six in the evening. I was waiting for a text from whoever gets there first just to know if it will indeed push through. At quarter till 7, Ana texted me asking where I am. That was the only time I moved my feet to get ready to go.

We ate at Outback Restaurant at Glorietta. It was my first time to eat there. When I saw the menu, I remembered why I never ate there. The prices are ridiculous. Their 9-ounce steak is worth P895 a meal! I know the serving is generous and the food is not bad at all. But P895? That's almost enough to pay for my monthly internet subscription! And it's not even the most expensive meal on the menu, I saw one which is worth almost 2 grand I think. WOW! Only Ana can spend that much to treat us to a fine dinner. (And I forgot to ask if I can have the receipt so I can have it recorded for points for my Ayala Discount Plus.) Heheheh.

So after that, we were supposed to go to Capone's so that I can still be with them since my office is only a couple of blocks away from there (I've work on Saturday night. It sucks, I know). But unfortunately, that little bar is too crowded. It's sooo overcrowded that people are actually spilling out on the sidewalk. So I was faced with a tough decision. I was torn between going to work on time or show up late... or don't show up at all. Showing up late got the best of me so we decided to go to Greenhills.

We hanged out at Oyster Boy, met my friend's boyfriend and had a few drinks. After I finished a bottle, I started missing Bubu again because three of my friends are with their special someones. The last time we all got together like this, we were all at the UP Fair and I was with Bubu. God, I miss him... I'd give anything just to have him back (and I can almost hear someone say "here we go again". Hahaha.) Spare me a few lines of nostalgia, okay?!

So moving on, after finishing my second bottle, we left at quarter till two. They dropped me off at the office and I was officially three hours and three minutes late. I almost wished I went home instead, but somehow I mustered enough strength to work. I was even more productive than I was the day before. No fuss! It's not everyday that Ana turns 22, right? Thanks Ans, sorry I had to be the party pooper! Advanced happy birthday!! :)

Long Overdue Revamp

I'm planning to change the layout of my blog. I just got bored with my first-ever-shot-at-designing-my-blog-that's-why-it-looked-so-lame layout. Therapy you may call it. Although I still kept the old template, you know, sentimental value. I just do not know when I will have the time and effort to create a new and improved layout. Stay tuned. ;)

just like family

Last Thursday, September 8th was Bujing's 40th day. A mass was celebrated at ate Danette's house and dinner came after. I was both excited and nervous on going because it's the first time I'll meet his family and relatives with my identity already known. Although I was already acquainted with most of them through the pictures he had shown and stories he had told before, I never really got the chance to meet them when he was still here.

Before we got there, I felt a bit uneasy because I do not know what to expect or how I should act. For days, I was actually trying to anticipate what might happen but I really do not have a clue. But when we got there, all those negative feelings went away. Somehow, I almost felt like he was just there. It was almost as if, all feelings of misery was replaced with bliss. Coz I know I was around the people whom Bujing loved the most and I was blessed to be one of them.

I was the only one among my colleagues who's on leave, and I couldn't decide right away if I would stay alone or leave with them. But they know I wanted to stay (coz they know how much I love talking about him [Jeff can attest to that] and they know how much it would help) so I made up my mind to stay when ate Danette asked me to. And I'm glad I did stay. I was a little shy coz I know I'm practically a stranger to them. But a stranger I never felt I was when I was with his family. They were very warm and accommodating, I instantly felt I was just like family. I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions. Happy that I finally got to meet them and sad that I was not able to share such a wonderful moment with him. His whole family was great and I readily understood why he loved them so much. They were such pleasant people and I really had a great time with them. Being with them somehow filled an empty space in my heart. So, if anyone who was there gets to read this, thank you sooo much for making me feel welcome. It was really nice to meet all of you for the first time, and I sure hope it's not the last. :)

the month of july

I know this post may seem long overdue because it’s been a month since July happened. But, whaddya know… I won an eRep Excellence Award for July! (Which I only learned recently so don’t blame me) Hurray for me! Oh and yah for Ron too, who bagged the Super Sup Award! Yey! (Hmm.. so where’s my buffet breakfast, Ron? Just kidding! uhm, okay, half-kidding! hahaha!)

July was a month where all things good and bad happened. It was the only month that I felt extreme emotions (both happy and sad). It did not start well at all because I was a wreck on the first week. I went through what others might call an emotional breakdown. I was so down that I had to spend a week out of town just to redeem myself. It did me good. I was able to think about stuff, clear my mind of clutter, spend quality time with my mom, relax, unwind, and of course, shop. Then when I got back, the last two weeks of the month was the best two weeks of my life. My emotions took a sudden turn for the better. I was happy, inspired, full of life… and love. I remember one of my friends at work even jokingly told me “Baka mamatay ka nyan bukas sa sobrang saya mo”. And then on the last day of the month, I didn’t die but the happiness was truly taken away.

I’m still not over it yet, I’m sorry. I still cry almost everyday when I remember. I don’t know what stage of grief I am in now but I’ll take my time. My body is not responding well to the drastic changes in my life. I’m not as resilient to change as I thought I was. I can’t eat right. When I’m at work, I’ll get really hungry but as soon as I see food, I won’t feel like eating anymore. My sleeping pattern is abnormal. No matter how late I stay up, I still wake up early. My mood swing is getting on a new level. I’m all hyper and jolly one day and then all clammed up and anti-social the next day. Sometimes, I feel like time stood still. Sometimes, I even lose the will to live… (I said sometimes, don’t worry, I won’t do anything stupid).

The only thing, which I’m always thankful for and that keeps me going, is the people around me. Like what I said before, they are the source of my strength. I was even touched to know how some people would share words of encouragement even though they do not know me personally. Even though I was not able to meet them when Bubu was still around, I’m glad I still got a chance to know some of the wonderful people in his life. Somehow, it makes me feel like he’s still here. It’s true, love really does not end in death. It lives on and never leaves.

To Where You Are

by: Josh Groban

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are my
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

it's a series of unfortunate events

Last Saturday night, my wonderful friends went to an event at Philtrade Center. It looked like fun, it was my first time to go out after... well, you know what. Even though I was surrounded by a lot of beautiful people, the one I'm looking for is not there. But he's definitely on my mind. I silently wished he was there. It felt weird. Too weird that even before the party even began, I got nauseous all of a sudden. Good thing I was with Tatin when this happened. I can barely stand on my two feet, much more walk. I cannot see a thing nor hear a thing. I kept bumping into people, even to a wall because I really cannot see a thing! I was practically like a dead woman walking. When we got out of the place, I got a little breath of fresh air and Tats got me a bottle of water and I instantly felt a little better. (Tats, thank you ha... salamat.. thanks!) I started thinking, I must really be bent out of shape. I can't even stand still for one hour anymore. I got to learn to sleep and eat more soon or it'll be worse. It was really embarassing I tell you. I almost wished for the ground to just open up and swallow me whole. It wasn't the perfect place to go all sick like that all of a sudden. Definitely not good.

After a few minutes of feeling better, my bag got stolen. It was just in front of us and then it got stolen. I mean, could the night get any worse? All my important ID's are there... well, my ATM and driver's license being the most important of all. The money was just a little over 500 bucks. My house keys are there too. A pot of lip gloss and a small bottle of cheap cologne. Everything lost was replaceable. Luckily my celfone was stashed on my pocket. I would rather die than lose that phone coz it contained all of my best memories and that's irreplaceable and not to mention priceless. It's a series of unfortunate events for me... and I'm looking forward to the series of FORTUNATE events... coz I don't know how long I can get on with unfortunate events before I go crazy.

change

I miss him again... and I seem to miss him much more everyday. I miss him all the time. I miss everything about him. Never a moment passes by without me thinking of him or talking about him. I just can't stop. And how I can feel my heart break every time do. Everything simply reminds me of him. Things are just not the same without him. It's forever changed and that's what I have to live with. That's what we all have to live with. But let's not hesitate to entrust an unknown future to an all-knowing God. When we have nothing left but Him, we'll realize that God is really more than enough. Although my memories of him will definitely not wither with time, I'm sure I'll find the strength to get up again someday.

On to the things currently happening in my life... At work, I volunteered to be transferred to a different skill set. Starting on Monday, I, along with 29 of my team mates, will be trained to make calls. I welcomed the change because doing emails seem to depress me (when I said that everything reminds me of him, it's not an overstatement). I'm actually kind of excited to know what kind of job we'll be doing. It's my first time ever to wear a headset and speak to someone on the other line. I'm excited AND nervous. I'm honestly not that confident with my speech skills. I'm not particularly good in speaking, that's why I remain quiet most of the time. And people are surprised when they find out how talktative I can get on written communication (chat, text, email, blog, etc.). I guess this will be a good time for me to practice and hopefully improve. We'll see about that.

for bubu

Perhaps I spoke too soon... it wasn't the last verse I wrote for him and it wasn't the last pain he made me suffer. He made me cry again, and this by far has been the worst cry I ever did and the pain was the worst feeling I ever felt. Even worse is the fact that the pain does not seem to go away. Every time I remember it, I can feel it piercing my heart. I can literally feel the pain in my heart. Although I know, he never meant to cause such pain.

Admittedly, I've been too selfish because all I really ever wanted was for him to be mine. God made me realize that he belongs to Him. So He took him away. Saved him from all the pains and sufferings of this world. Last Sunday, July 31, 2005, at four in the morning... he went to where he truly belonged.

I was one of the few blessed people who were able to share the last day of his life with him. I felt blessed that I got to talk to him a few hours before he went away. I felt more blessed that I got to tell him the truth, for the last message he received was my affirmation of love for him.

Reliving that Saturday afternoon, it seemed like a perfect day (except I was a little late). The four hours we spent together almost felt like an eternity to me. Even though we see each other every day, I was excited to meet him. We met at MRT Ortigas station and then headed off to Robinson's Galleria. I met Marose at the food court while he waited for me somewhere else. We originally planned to watch "Wedding Crashers", but after seeing that "If Only" was still being shown, he admitted he haven't watched it yet. So we then decided to watch it instead. I can still remember every comment we made on each scene. I can still remember how he wondered how people would react if he would loudly comment on how the guy dies at the end of the movie. While we were watching, he made plans on getting spa treatment together on the next pay day (half of his body was aching that time and I was massaging his hands and arms) and plans to watch "Must Love Dogs" the next time. When we passed by Cravings, he said we would eat there on the next pay day. Both fully unaware that there won't be a next time. I suggested we eat at Shakeys because I know how much he loved thin crust pizza. I ate three slices... he ate five so he MUST love thin crust pizza. He waited till I get on the bus before he get on a taxi to get his car. When I got home, I texted him and then went to sleep for a while. At around 9PM, I got a text from him but I was too sleepy to reply. Then a few minutes after he called on our landline to check if I've been receiving his messages. We talked for a while but then he had to go and meet his sister so I went back to sleep, woke up at 1 am and decided to check up on him. He called on my cellphone and we talked for around five minutes. He sent an MMS and I replied with a text. He admitted he was drunk but he promised he'd be a good boy. I did not exactly know what he meant when he started his text with "Maybe time will come. I've done almost everything..." I shrugged it off, cause he sometimes does not know what he says when he's drunk. I was the last to text him... and I never got my reply.

I woke up without knowing what had happen to him during the night. My phone ran out of battery so I used my mom's phone to text him and ask if he got to basketball practice safely. I did not get a reply. I thought he's probably playing. When I got home and charged my phone, I received the news I never wanted to hear. It says he died on a car accident. The words pierced through my heart but it can't be true. It's just a dumb stupid joke. At first I was too shocked to do anything. Then I tried to confirm it. It cannot be true. Not him. Please not him. I know these sort of things only happen in movies... not in real life. Not in THIS life. In so much denial, I even texted him and asked him to tell me he's okay. I even tried calling him. Until it finally dawned on me... He is gone. That was the time my tears started falling and I did not make any effort to make them stop. It was too much for my weak heart to take. I never had the strength to leave him because I didn't want to lose him... and now he's gone. Whether I like it or not. My heart couldn't take the blow. For days, I wallowed in such deep sorrow. My head couldn't think straight. Nothing seemed to make any sense. I feel like I'm half-a-world away from where I am. I'm lost in my own thoughts trying to justify what had just happened. I was literally on the verge of insanity. If it weren't for the greatest friends and family in the whole world, I would have easily crossed over that line. It is from them, where I found my strength to keep myself together.

I can still vividly remember when he was here, he was a such a loving person, he made sure that there was enough love to go around. He had a very loving heart, which he was never selfish to share to other people. That's why I know he deserves a place in heaven. I recently saw him got irritated about something I did, but I can say he never got mad. Although there was this one time I think he got a little angry when I told him I'll be going home when in fact I'll be eating breakfast with my friends first before I go home. He said it made him worry coz he hasn't received any text that I got home safe. He hates it when I cry. When I cried while watching our last movie together, he was playfully saying 'tahan na'. When he gets an inkling that I'm about to cry over the phone, he comes up with a dumb question just to make me think of something else. We have this habit of associating events that happen to us in a song. If we were to create a soundtrack, it will include "Hari ng Sablay", "You'll Be Safe Here", "Instant Ayos", "Constantly" and "Hanggang Kailan". He has a good memory. He remembers most things I have already forgotten. He remembered that I sat beside him during the company christmas party. He remembered what we ate on our first night out (it was chicken lollipop and gambas at Jack's Loft). He remembered the last movie we watched. He's also very caring. He makes sure that I get home safe, don't skip meals, have enough rest and drink medicine when I'm sick. I can say he definitely knows how to love, anyone who knows him can attest to that. He just doesn't know how to express it in words. He keeps telling me how he admires people who can easily express their feelings in words. Expressing his feelings and thoughts is just not his thing he says. And it's true.

Somehow, I have accepted the reality of life. That people will really come and go as God willed them to. It happens to the best of us. It's something we just have to live with. If God puts you to it, He will help you through it. I never regret any decisions I have made in the past regarding him. I am glad I decided to give it a little more time. Before, I really cannot defend myself on why I could never leave him when I've got all the reason to do so. Now, I think I know why. Everything does happen for a reason and it turned out that my reason was it was all the time I have to be with him and I better make the most of it. And I did make the most of it. At least I had the chance to show him and let him know everything there was to know, for I never held anything back. I am sure I will not wonder "what if" and ask myself "if only", coz I think I've done everything I want to do. I know I should be happy that we've created a lot of memories worth treasuring for the rest of my life. Even if the time we spent together was short, what we've shared at that minute of time was enough for it to last a lifetime. I'll remember him on my each and every waking day. As what was mentioned on the movie we watched, love doesn't end in death. For as long as you have love in your heart, nothing, even death, can put a stop to it. It could even go on forever. It's not going to be easy, and I know I still have a long way to go before I could get over this. All I have to learn is to trust God in his plans. God is yet to make me understand why things had to be this way. One thing's for sure though, that I'll forever be thankful for letting him come into my life.

Bubu, thank you for letting me be a part of your life. For that, my life is forever changed. Thank you for all the love and happiness you made me feel and for all the good memories we have shared. It was all worthwhile. I'll forever do a flashback of all the wonderful things you have done and you'll forever have that special place in our hearts. This is not goodbye for it's never goodbye.. it's only see you later. Just like when you were still here, now you can text me the words: "I'm finally home...".

Aiai terribly misses you and loves you much...

love will show you everything

By Jennifer Love Hewitt
From the album "Soundtrack - If Only"

Today, today I bet my life
You have no idea
What I feel inside
Don't, be afraid to let it show
For you'll never know
If you let it hide

I love you
You love me
Take this gift and don't ask why
Cause if you will let me
I'll take what scares you
Hold it deep inside
And if you ask me why I'm with you
And why I'll never
Leave
Love will show you everything

One day
When youth is just a memory
I know you'll be standing right next to me

I love you
You love me
Take this gift and don't ask why
Cause if you will let me
I'll take what scares you
Hold it deep inside
And if you ask me why I'm with you
And why I'll never
Leave
My love will show you everything
My love will show you everything
My love will show you everything
My love will show you everything

take my heart back

By Jennifer Love Hewitt
From the album "Soundtrack - If Only"

It'll be alright
You said
Tommorrow
Don't you cry
Don't you shed a tear
When you wake up
I will still be here
When you wake up
We'll battle all your fears
And now I'll...

Take my heart back
Leave your pictures on the floor
Steal back my memories
I can't take it anymore
I've cried my eyes out
Oh,and now I face the years
The way you loved me
Vanished all the tears

Just a little more time was all we needed
Just a little time for me to see
Oh,the light that life can give you
Oh,how we get such a free
So now I'll...

Take my heart back
Leave your pictures on the floor
Steal back my memories
I can't take it anymore
I've cried my eyes out
Oh,and now I face the years
The way you loved me
Vanished all the tear

I'm back!!!

I'm back! I took a much-needed week-long vacation last week and I decided to go to.... Baguio! Woohoo! The last time I was there was November last year and we were'nt able to do much cause we only stayed for around 2 days plus the place where we stayed at is a bit far from the city. This time, I stayed there with my mom for almost 4 days (from Tuesday to Friday) and I can say that only now did I realize how lovely Baguio city can be. I wished I had studied there instead. I even felt like I wanted to stay there forever!

The day we left Manila, it was raining hard... and the whole duration of the trip, it was raining. All towns and cities we've passed by are drenched. When we got to Baguio, it looks like it was just about to rain but I really did not mind cause I sooo looove it when it rains! When we woke up the next day, it was still raining hard but no amount of rain stopped us from going to the streets. I even took a 'cold' shower before going out (I was actually turning pale when I stepped out of the shower because of the cold). I loved how the city looked after the rain... with the fog, shiny (and slippery) streets and all. Then, the day after that, the sun began to shine so it's such a blessing that I got to see the city both when it was wet and when it was dry!

So, what did I do for almost 4 days up there? Basically, all I did was walk.. and shop! Shop for my cousins, my sister, my brother, our househelpers, my friends and of course, myself! In just three days, my ATM account is almost empty (except for P93, I think). Good thing we paid in advance for the place we stayed in, coz if not, I don't think we'll be able to pay for it. I really had a hard time controlling myself coz I kept telling myself that it's not everyday that I get to shop at Baguio! I was able to buy more than 15 pieces of clothing (sweaters, jackets, pants, shirts, tank tops) plus a pair of sandals for myself. I each bought a jacket for my brother, my three cousins, some of my friends and two househelpers. I also bought a bag for my sister. Aside from that, I bought a whole lot of goodies (around 9 jars of assorted stuff) and that 'sundot-kulangot' thing (that I really enjoy eating..haha). Oh yeah, my mom and I were also able to watch a movie at SM Baguio and yes, the theater is the only part of the mall with A/C but it's actually colder outside. I didn't like the movie much but its the only option since my mom doesn't wanna watch neither War of the Worlds nor Fantastic Four. When it comes to taking pictures, well, we only got solo shots of each other since there are only two of us, so after I take my mom's pictures, she takes mine! But overall, it was a terrific vacation. I had such a wonderful time and I truly enjoyed every moment I spent there... and I don't mind doing it all over again soon! Hahaha..

Sigh. The day I went back to Manila, I can almost feel all my troubles rushing back and threatening to wipe away the happy smile that has been on my face for four days. I almost feel like I did not want to go back when we were greeted by a bunch of rallyists successfully making the Friday traffic even worse. That's it, I'm officially back to a place of chaos. Plus it's like a thousand degrees here! Haha! Just kidding. Well, at least, I still have a little of Baguio on the pictures I took with my cellphone... and of course, a lot of it on the clothes I will be wearing for the next few days! Hahahah..

Prelude to Ron's Birthday a.k.a. Team-Building chuva

To change the mood of this sorry blog... why don't we move on to happier thoughts. Last Saturday night, Team Morales decided to spend the night partying at Toot's Manor. Quite timely for me, since I needed a boost of endorphins. That chemical that's responsible for the emotion of happiness. Also, I suggested that we drink 'Chocolate Mudshaker', since chocololate contains phenylethylamine and anandamide. Phenylethylamine works with dopamine in the brain to produce a mild antidepressant effect and anandamide alters brain chemistry to produce feelings of well being and calm. So, scientifically speaking, that night of partying is beneficial for my health. I know, I researched on it. Hahaha.

It was fun really. We started at around 8pm and ended at almost 5am (it was just like doing 9 hours of work). There were no KJ's around so we all had a good time (I know I did). We had a little singing contest. Ron sponsored the prize money and we all tried to vie for the highest score. At the end of the night, Cherry was the one who went home with a fat wallet. I guess its customary for us to leave something broken at Toot's house, the most recent casualty was his 'antique' dining chair c/o Mr. Bactad. Pol and I also managed to loosen some screws on his door. So, many thanks to Mr. Anthony Hernandez for letting us trash his place once again. Here are some snapshots of the event:



We obviously looked starved... and thirsty!



Find Anton on this picture.



Jeefer sings while Brij contemplates on his performance.



Hmmm.. TOUGH competitor.



Here's the man of the house singing while watching over his son who's going down the stairs.



The sup on his usual self.



Pol.. with fan.



The side of Jim that not everybody gets to see (or hear for that matter).



My happy moment. Blame it all on the glassful of chocolate mudshaker on my hand.



Here's the endorphin-producing chocolate mudshaker I've been raving about!!!



Preluders(?!)



Before Sunrise...

and that's just a prelude...

white flag

Note: If you are in any way allergic to too much drama and mush that your stomach couldn't take it, I suggest that you close this window immediately before you get any allergic reactions...

Friday was the last time I saw him. He looked so giddy and so happy that nothing seemed to dampen his spirits. I never saw that look on his face before and somehow, it hurt me that I did not have that kind of effect on him. I did not have the heart to approach him and let my presence be known. Seeing him that happy was enough. It was clearer to me than any words could say. I saw exactly what I needed to see. The battle is over. The white flag is raised.

Then, I remember the night we had the most sensible conversation ever. I remember his words clearly. Why would he choose me and why should he not choose the one that came before me? I know it took a while, but it is just now that I realized the true meaning of what he was saying. Suddenly, everything made sense to me. It was like a slap on the face matched with a splash of ice cold water. It was time to snap back to reality and accept the fact that I can never be her.

My phone has been silent ever since that day. I was half-hoping that he would at least text me. But I guess, he knows its for the best. I hoped he at least missed me or thought about me for one second. But it's almost impossible if you're missing someone else. And I know the bitter fact that I can't compete. I know when I'm no longer needed or even wanted. He did not have to say it, he can't deny it anymore coz I saw it in his eyes. The signs are clear, I'm not what he wanted contrary to what I believed and I know that I have to step back. I have to swallow again the bitter pill I have so gotten used to tasting. I can't pretend that nothing's bothering me or nothing's wrong anymore. Whatever you do, you can never make someone love you. It just does not coincide with the natural order of things.

I cried my eyes out that fateful night. I really did not mean to, but my emotions got the best of me. My pillow was soaking wet with tears and my eyes are all puffy and red. I cried it all out until my eyes ran dry. I cried all the pain away until the hurt subsides. I drowned every pain with every tear that I cried. I cried until I'm tired of crying. I just wanted to forget. I am tired of it all. I'm tired of being in the same situation all over again. I'm tired of thinking and worrying. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of loving and make believing that I am loved. It's time to let it all go. I'm all cried out. And quoting from Pablo Neruda's famous poem 'Tonight I Can Write': Though this be the last pain that he makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for him...

tagged by vianney :)

Things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play. What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Make a list, post it to your journal... and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it to theirs.

1. read books
2. listen to music
3. blog a.k.a. rant
4. play PC games (NFSU2 or Sims or GTA)
5. walk briskly
6. sleep
7. think of nonsense
8. shop
9. sing out of tune
10. watch tv

how utterly boring can I get? hehehe...

In Memoriam

It has been more than a week since my grandfather (mom's dad) peacefully joined our Creator. I can't really say that we have all gotten used to his absence yet. He is still very much alive in our hearts and minds (I guess he will always be). His death sort of still came as a shock to all of us. He was supposed to be released from the hospital and my mom and her sister were already preparing all the medical stuff he will need at home. But then one afternoon, he just stopped breathing.. and that's it. At 88 years of age, he decided to finally go back to where he truly belonged.

He was a good grandfather. Very loving and caring. A typical grandfather. He loved his children and his grandchildren and his great grandchildren so much and he never hesitated to show it. All of us felt how much he loved us. We all had our moments with him. On my part, the peak of it was when he was still in America. We used to write letters to each other when I was younger and he always sends us all sorts of stuff. I can still remember how excited my sister was when she finally received her dream gadget, a gameboy. I think if I have the option to choose a grandfather, I'd gladly choose him again.

I guess we should really be rejoicing now instead of greaving because we all know where he's going. At least, all his pains have gone away and all that is left is happiness. To my lolo, I am forever grateful for all the wonderful things that you have done for us. I can say that you will be terribly missed but at least, we've got a lot of good memories that we will surely cherish for the rest of our lives. I hope we meet again.. someday.. I sure hope we do..

song for the moment

Song Title: Broken Sonnet
Artist: Hale

And now I concede on the night
of this fifteenth song
Of melancholy, of melancholy
And now I will admit in this fourth line
That I love you, that i love you

I don't care what they say
I don't care what they do

Cause tonight I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side

The clock on the TV says 8:39 p.m.
It's the same, it's the same
And in this next line I'll say it all over again
That I love you, that i love you

I don't care what they say
I don't care what they do

Cause tonight I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side
Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And I will never let go, will never let go

I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I'll be right at your side
Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And i will never let go, never let go

But still I see the tears from your eyes
Maybe I'm just not the one for you

random 'senti' thoughts

I just started wondering, why won't things just turn out the way you want it to be? Why do things have to seem so unfair on your side? I know they say that you should accept whatever comes to you... and I am accepting it, and sometimes I'm even thankful for it, however, it sometimes feels like I'm swallowing a bitter pill. Sometimes it's really hard to accept the downside of things. I can say I'm happy now and contented with life, but not totally. I know things could always be better. There are things that I wish would happen, although I'm not sure it will... I take the risk anyway, thinking that maybe things will turn out fine in the future. But you can't discount the possibility of things turning out NOT fine. Then, I'll be back to square 1 (even negative 1 if possible). I hate the fact that there are things in life you just can't take control of. Like how other people think or react, especially how other people feel about you. There will always be a risk. There's always a catch to happiness. You can't be happy without feeling sad. Well, its a matter of choice actually. You can't win if you don't fight. I know it might look like I'm fighting a losing battle, but I will regret if I don't fight for it. I'd rather take the risk, than wonder all my life thinking 'what if' and telling myself 'if only'. I know it's a battle I won't regret fighting for and I know all the wounds I will incur will all be worth it in the end. Or so I hope.

* Weird, I started this post with a completely different thought in mind, I've no idea how it came to be what it is now... must be my unconscious mind thinking aloud.

*I know you may not have the slightest idea of what I'm talking about, but maybe some other people will.. who knows?! ;P

"when you love someone, you have to fight for it, that was why i was willing to fight for you... to make you realize how much you mean to me. but when i saw the look in your eyes whenever she's around... i know i already lost even before the fight began..."

emotional blackmail

Got this from Cosmopolitan Philippines' April issue:

Are you a victim of emotional blackmail? You might be setting yourself up for abuse if you allow them to:
* Threaten to make your life difficult if you don't do what they want.
* Constantly threaten to end the relationship if you don't do what they want.
* Tell you or imply that they wil neglect, hurt themselves, or become depressed if you don't do what they want.
* Always want more, no matter how much you give.
* Regularly assume you will give in to them.
* Regularly ignore or discount your feelings and wants.
* Make lavish promises that are contingent on your behavior and then rarely keep them.
* Constantly label you as selfish, bad, greedy,unfeeling or uncaring when you don't give in to them.
* Shower you with approval when you give in to them and take it away when you don't.
* Use money as a weapon to get their way.

If any of these situations sound painfully familiar, you are being emotionally blackmailed. Excerpted from Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward Ph.D with Donna Frazier.

Well, almost all are painfully familiar to me... so I therefore conclude that I was indeed emotionally blackmailed... but I'm glad that I got myself out of it, coz that was by far, the worst kind of treatment I've had from a person who's clearly not even worth all the trouble. 'nuff said.

i hope this thing is true.. heheh

I did an inkblot test online at http://web.tickle.com, which supposedly will reveal my subconscious mind.. this is the result i got:

"Aileen, your subconscious mind is driven most by Kindness

This means you have a deep desire to be kind and fair to others. You may even be preoccupied with finding kindness in the world around you, far more than you realize on a conscious level.

It is possible that the underlying reason you seek kindness in the world around you, is that you fear cruelty, the opposite of kindness. That could drive you to unconsciously project kindness wherever possible into your world. Regardless of its origin, your steadfast adherence to being kind to others is felt by people you are close to.

You are probably more susceptible than others to being overwhelmed by emotions — both yours and others'. It is possible that your unusually empathic nature is a result of your natural sensitivity to others' pain, and your desire to help them avoid it. For this reason, things might affect you more than they affect your friends and family. To protect yourself from too much emotional intensity, you might want to keep an eye out so you can recognize it when it starts. That will allow you to slow things down until you feel grounded again.

Overall, your strong orientation towards kindness gives you an optimistic nature, which translates into you seeing the best in the people around you. Because you're not one to be overly judgmental, others may seek out your company when they need a friend to talk to. People close to you likely know that you care deeply about the inner lives of others and can listen to what they have to say without imposing your views on them.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Kindness, there is much more to who you are at your core."

another year older

Time flies by so fast, before I know it, I'm 22. A little bit older, but not a bit wiser.. something must be seriously wrong with me. Another year has passed, and what a year it was for me. I got myself into all sorts of troubles, but somehow I managed to get through (with a little help from my friends). I got through it all, although I got badly bruised and severely wounded. Heck, I may not be a tad wiser, but I sure got a lot stronger. I'm still recuperating, but I'm sure I'll be fine.

Great damage has been done by a person who tried to pull me down (and is still trying to pull me down as of press time). I must have irked the person too much for that person to do something so desperate and foolish. You won't believe how immature adult people can get when they're desperate. I honestly did not intend to irk the person. It wasn't mainly my fault. Whoever said Ignorance is bliss must have not came across with the kind of people I have met. For them, ignorance is something to take advantage of. To the point that it makes you think that ignorance should be equated with stupidity. Maybe I did get a little wiser, because if I wasn't any wiser, I would join in on the childish games that these people are playing. I just wish they take pleasure on what they are doing, for at least they get something out of it. Besides, it isn't the first time that I've let people be happy on my account. What goes around, comes around anyway.

The year that went by made me wish I could turn back time, but then I thought, I wouldn't have met the people who would help me be stronger and make me realize my worth. I wouldn't have met the people who would stand by me no matter what happens. I'd missed out on some of the best things life could offer. Yes, most part of the year was hell for me, but I've also found heaven on some parts of it that is worth going through hell for.

I'll live.. no matter how much people pull me down, I'll always find a way to pull myself up (again, with a little help from my friends AND family). I just want to thank them from the bottom of my heart for giving me the strength and the will to keep living. If it weren't for them, I'd be lost. Most especially I thank the person who works through them, that's none other than God. Now that's a birthday speech!

first time to be on the beach!

Yes, it's my first time to see sand beside the shore and actually get to walk on it and feel it between my toes! Last Friday, I joined my officemates on a getaway to Puerto Galera! I have to admit that an overnighter is not enough to really have fun on the beach. I didn't even get enough time to shop for souvenirs, pasalubong and stuff. Even without any sleep, I rushed to the beach and took a swim (not minding the stings of the invisible jellyfishes). In just a few hours, I got burnt to a toast. But sooner or later, my lack of sleep caught up with me and I had to dose off (and miss the sunset) so I can recharge for an all-nighter drinking/bonding session.

We hopped from one bar to another, drinking a pitcher of Mindoro Sling on every stop. Surprisingly, the concoction did not take effect at all. It was just like drinking pomelo juice on the beach. Sometimes, a drizzle would threaten to kill the fun, but I think no amount of drizzle could make us hide back to our room. When the night went on, we huddled for the cheapest bottle of Tequila, and the best price we got was P1,600 for a liter, including local lemon a.k.a calamansi, salt and a shotglass. Not bad at all. We gulped down the shots and when a few of us were sprinkled with sleeping dust, we head on to the beach to make 'tambay' and take some 'drunken' pics.

The next morning, I was the last one to wake up.. because I was the one with the least sleep. Anyway, we thought our morning was ruined because it was raining. But God gave us a sign that everything will be alright again.. a rainbow showed up! So, we went snorkeling, and man! It was like straight out of Discovery channel or something. I felt like I was on a big aquarium! I even saw a blue starfish (c/o Abby). Bad thing was I had to get some air after taking a glimpse of the underworld (?!?!) because I was without a snorkel.. (So you can say I wasn't snorkeling after all). Well, I just didn't like the idea of renting one because I don't know whose mouth it has been in (it would feel like I borrowed a toothbrush from a stranger). So, after that we ate lunch and took turns taking a bath and finally prepared to go home.

On the ferry, I was so darn sleepy that I slept right through the dolphins. I didn't even see a single fin. :( Oh well, one thing I learned... never go to Galera sleepless! Coz it's the ultimate party-pooper... Oh well, I'm pretty sure I haven't seen the last of Galera..

for whoever i'm thinking about...

When I'm Thinking About You
The Sundays

Over the rooftops a plane in the sky
Beat of a bass drum cars passing me by
Under a bridge dark then back into light
A river of raincoats and a forest of faces
Still for a moment then red into green
Slow shuffling shoes whisper sight unseen
Row upon row of houses return an empty stare
Letting the daydream for a little while longer

Ah.. yeah...
Hope I'll never wake
When I'm thinking about you
(yeah) hope I'll never wake
Coz now Im thinking about you

Two-minute hailstorm then melts into rain
(oh) sing me a rainbow its sunny again
Swallows overhead while the traffic snarls below
Could I (could I) keep dreaming for a little while longer

Hope I'll never wake
When I'm thinking about you
So that you know - I never want to wake
Coz now Im thinking about you

When you're searching your soul
When you're searching for pleasure
How often, pain is all you find
But when you're coasting along and nobodys trying too hard
You can turn around and like where you are

(yeah and) I hope I never wake
When I'm thinking about you
And I close my eyes (dear)
Now I'll never never wake
Why should I stop thinking about you...

blog on friendster

Friendster now has a blog thing! Yey! At least, one more place to rant! Hahaha. However, I am faced with another problem... what to use as my domain name. This was the same problem I've had before I set this thing up. It took me a while before I decided naming this blog 'on the verge of insanity' (and I have to admit it's really not that catchy, but at least it captured a bit of my personality). Maybe you guys have suggestions on what I will name my blog. I don't want to use 'On the verge of insanity', to avoid confusion (as if!). I'm having difficulty choosing the right words. I wanted it to be unique and catchy and deep and true and sensical and ideal and.. well, I just want it to be perfect! To be sooo me. Like when you hear it, I'll be the first thing on your mind. Can you guys think of the best word to describe me? Maybe you know me better than I do... When you see me, what's the first thing that comes into your mind? Comment!

getting by...

For some twisted reason, I think I'm getting by quite well... maybe because I've been thru a lot of things now and this seems to me like just a small stubble on my finger. And maybe because the people around me have been very supportive, I feel like I will never be alone. That's what makes life all good... only bad thing about life is the one who's living it.. hahaha.

Anyway, we now have a seat plan in the office. So that's one freedom they took from us, to sit wherever we like. It's alright I think, but I just don't see the point of making one when everyone gets to have their own station anyway, regardless of where they sit. Well, there's really nothing we can do but abide by the rules. So the only thing I can do is follow and then rant about it.. thankful that I still have that freedom (to rant). I'd die without it.

and this fateful night..

Okay.. I don't know why fate has been so unkind to me these past few days. Just when the relationship was over, we now see each other almost every day coincidentally. It's so ironic, it's not even funny. It could very much pass as a line on Alanis' song. Just when you gave up on the relationship, it started to look as if it could have worked out.

This time, what happened was when the elevator was going up... I had a funny feeling that I'll see him when I saw that the 29th floor was lit... and when it got to that floor, there he was! Luckily, he was going down and I was able to hide behind the person in front of me. If my heart was any weaker, I could really get a heart attack one of these days. I'll never look at an elevator the same way.

That Fateful morning...

I survived my first encounter with my recent ex this morning on my way home. I embarked the elevator with no knowledge of who I will be sharing it with. When I stepped in, my trainer was there coincidentally. He asked me why I'm not going to the 29th floor before I go home and went on and told him why. He was just in the middle of his sentence saying 'Ah, so wala ka na palang dinadaanan dyan ngayon' when the ex stepped in. Imagine my shock when I saw him. Ever since I worked at PS, I've never coincidentally shared an elevator with him. I silently prayed that he didn't hear anything. He acknowledged my presence by flashing a sheepish smile at me. Maybe he was just as shocked as I was. Because of that shock.. I wasn't able to think straight and the first thing I blurted out was... 'Break?' (Talk about words with double meaning!). He responded by saying he's on lunch and I guess to avoid awkward silence (because the situation in itself is awkward enough), he asked me why I'm going home just now.. and again, because of the shock, I couldn't even remember what I said in response. We left the elevator and we just said goodbye with our brows. That was how I survived my first encounter with my recent ex. Not quite what I wished to happen, but I guess it was bound to happen. I better get ready for fate's next strike...

Loves it

You’ll Be Safe Here
[ Rivermaya ]

Nobody knows
Just why we’re here
Could it be fate
Or random circumstance
At the right place
At the right time
Two roads intertwine

And if the universe conspired
To meld our lives
To make us
Fuel and fire
Then know
Where ever you will be
So too shall I be

Chorus:

Close your eyes
Dry your tears
‘Coz when nothing seems clear
You’ll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Weary heart
You’ll be safe here

Remember how we laughed
Until we cried
At the most stupid things
Like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong

And though the world would
Never understand
This unlikely union
And why it still stands
Someday we will be set free.
Pray and believe

Chorus:

When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here

Save your eyes
From your tears
When everything’s unclear
You’ll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart

When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here

When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here

In my arms
Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You’ll be safe here

When no one understands
I’ll believe
You’ll be safe,
You’ll be safe
You’ll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands
You’ll be safe here

"you're free..."

It's ironic, that this month of hearts.. I let go of the person closest to mine. It was my turn to give a seemingly lousy and invalid excuse. My turn to be the evil girlfriend who breaks up with an angelic boyfriend. (It used to be the other way around) I know it may sound really dumb that the reason for our break up is because we don't have time to be with each other. But it's true. Sounds dumb but its true. We hardly see each other nor talk to each other and the relationship is not stable enough to withstand such absence. I wanted the relationship to work out, but it's just too damn difficult. We can't seem to work it out. My feelings decreased as the time of not being together increased. It waned until I thought I was becoming unfair. And I can say I really was. My guilt consumed me.

All I said was we needed to talk. He didn't like talking, he never did. Even if we were fighting during a phone conversation, he will think of an excuse just to get off the phone. He hates confrontations. But hey, that's not an excuse. It's not like he never confronted me when he confessed his feelings to me, right? But no, the last thing I heard from him was a text message. I felt like I was Carrie Bradshaw, when Berger broke up with her through a Post-it(TM). That simple 'We need to talk', triggered a lot of emotions in him. What struck me the most was when he said 'I'll spare you the trouble, you're free'. It kept repeating inside my head long after I've finished reading it. As much as I want to see him and hold him one last time, he just won't let me. I tried convincing him to talk by all means of communication I know and I am almost ready to give up.

Don't get me wrong, I love the guy, but I just don't think things are working right between us anymore. I feel so bad about letting go of the only guy who has given me the best treatment a girl could ever have. I mean, who doesn't want that. But I don't think I deserve to be treated that way. He deserves somebody better. (I know it's clicheic, but he really does deserve better) I cannot give him the kind of love he deserves. I don't think I'm ready for love after all... It's crazy, I know. A self-confessed romantic who's not quite ready to love...

Perfect Day

My brother got wed last Monday at Lagos Del Sol at Caliraya. That wedding was first in many aspects of my life. That was the first time that I was ever a part of the entourage. That was the first time I've ever cried in a wedding. That was the first garden wedding I've been to. That was the first Christian wedding I've been to. That was the first wedding in my family.

The wedding was so much like a fairy tale wedding that every girl wishes. I felt like I was in a movie! The bride cried the moment she stood up on the aisle (I will too if I was her!). I don't know, everything just seemed perfect. The only thing I hate is the fact that the sun is only shining on the right half of my body. So all I got was a sunburnt right shoulder. So much for a tan!

Anyway, I'm going to be on the graveyard shift starting next week (Another first for me!). At least my rest days will fall on a weekend, so if there will be any family outings.. I won't miss it anymore! I'll be working from 6pm to 3am starting Monday next week. I did not get the really early shifts like 2am, 4am, 5am or 6am because I did not like the idea of waking up before dawn. Also, I didn't want to go home at around noon coz I can't sleep with the noon sun shining so bright. So, I guess this schedule will work for me, I hope. At least, I get night diff.. that's enough compensation...

I Hate Love

Have you ever been in love?

Horrible, isn't it?

It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way to your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that.

Especially not love.

I hate love.

- Neil Gaiman, Sandman: The Kindly Ones