yet another first day

I finally found out why my scripts aren't working right. I'm trying to use multiple scripts and so they are conflicting with each other, so I have to do some rewriting. But no time for that now... because I began my work at PeopleSupport today! T'was quite interesting, although I haven't found a person I could really jive well with yet. Maybe because some people decided to put their masks on, you know, for added impact in making good impressions. We're all 62 in the batch (batch139 to be exact). I couldn't really tell if there were more men than women, but if you count gay people as women, I guess you could say we outnumbered the men. There was this one gay guy I wanted to befriend because he seemed really fun to be with, unfortunately we won't be assigned to the same account, so goodbye potential friend. There was also this very annoying girl, who's so talkative because she's bragging about her having an accent and all. Even when nobody's asking her opinion, she'd give hers anyway. She seems to have a comment on everything! Even on the smell of the free clear book included in the kit. Yeah, we were given a kit which includes a steno, a highlighter, a clear book, a pen and a pencil (I felt like a happy kindergarten with new school supplies). I've yet to learn more stuff about this thing I've put myself into. So far, they're painting a really good picture of it... it's actually too good, that I'm anticipating a catch. I've yet to find out.

phase one

well, this is phase one of my blog make-over. Still not much, but it's a work in progress. I can't make the tagboard fit into the box, so I would have to edit it again to make the box bigger. And I can't make the scroll thing work with the archives section. My fave shoes looked ugly in the picture. So please bear with me while I try to learn. For the meantime, I have to go again because I'm using PLDTvibe postpaid internet and my mom's gonna kill me when she finds out I spent 3 hours (and counting) tonight.

a quickie... post

just a quick post. I am trying to make a new layout, using Adobe Photoshop 7.0 and a few scripts here and there. I just can't put them all together. It's so frustrating. But, challenging, as well. And I'm not gonna give up until I got it all together.

Anyway, latest news is: I'm employed! Actually, I'm just about to start training on Monday. I got accepted at PeopleSupport, and I'm really excited to finally earn my own money (because I'm all finished with planning how to spend them). More about that on my next post, I gotta get some sleep now.

totally swoon worthy

I know it may sound a little unpatriotic of me, but for the first time in my life, I actually wished I was Mexican (or at least, in Mexico). There is someone there that is really addictive that he should be illegal... Who, you ask? GAEL GARCIA BERNAL. I am totally swooning head over heels obsessing over him! To the point that even when I close my eyes, I see him! You probably would know him if you have watched art films like Alfonso Cuaron's Y Tu Mama Tambien, El Crimen Del Padre Amaro and Amores Perros. There's just no way that you could have watched those films without turning into a Gael-freak. Sigh. Just mentioning his name makes me warm all over (Okay, that's an exaggeration, but you get the point). I better read "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, reportedly, it's his favorite. Most of the sites about him are in Spanish. Good thing I took up Spanish lessons in college (6 or 9 units? I can't really remember). He speaks Spanish, English, Italian and French! He likes football, good thing I took up football too! So when we eventually meet, we'd have loads of stuff to talk about! The catch is he's only 5'6" tall, but I don't really care. He and Natalie Portman were a couple, but rumors had it that they have already split up. I even heard that it's because it's my turn now. So, move over Natalie!

the weekend that was

For the first time in history, I tried driving without a license. Both of my passengers don't have one either. My driving skills have got seriously and awfully rusty, that is if I still HAVE any left. Well, an L300 van is really not the easiest thing to navigate so the sucky driving is excusable. The important thing is I did not run over any living thing or collide with any non-living thing (read: expensive cars) and we got to our destination and back home in one piece.

So what happened over the weekend? Well, I finally got myself those Von Dutch shirts I have been wanting to buy for soooo long. So I bought two! My cousin bought two ASS well (it's not typo, it's just a private joke we share). Plus I've got a new cellphone. Actually, it's not new because my sister is handing it down to me. Her 6600 just arrived yesterday and she promised me she'd lend me her T610. So after spending two years with my trusty but phased out 6210, I finally got an MMS phone! But I'd still be keeping my 6210 (all original parts!). It has a lot of sentimental value... and really good quotes I saved on the phone memory!

The other night, I had a very vivid dream about my eternal crush for the Nth time. I can't really explain why, but the plot is always the same ever since, the setting is the only thing that changes each time I dream of him. In the beginning of my dream, he is with me and it almost seems like he's mine. I mean, we could almost pass as a couple. totally cloud nine! However, before the dream ends, one friend of mine always gets in the way and screws every thing up. She always manages to take him away from me (in Filipino: make sulot), thus leaving me ultimately dejected. Not really the happy ending I've always hoped for. But what the heck, we had our moment. The fact of the matter is, it did sort of happen in real life... and I did feel dejected. I really should get used to it, because it happens not only in real life but also in my dreams!

Anyway, over dinner tonight, I have decided to take up accounting as a second degree. My mom said it's okay and my dad actually joked about it (his way of recommendation, I hope). Maybe at UP Diliman or at UST. I'm planning to apply for work and then try to balance it with school, and then eventually pay my own tuition fee. For the meantime, these are all just plans. But I really want to go back to school. Plus it does sound like quite a challenge. We'll see if I'm up for it. I'll give it a little more thought.

Assessing Da Vinci

I borrowed a copy of Da Vinci Code from my good friend joey and I have just finished reading it. Overall, I think it's a good read... good enough for me to finish it in just two days. Surprisingly though, I don't think it's as good as I expected it to be. With all the fuss about it, I reckoned I should be astounded enough by its fascinating story to make me start buying those 'Cracking the Da Vinci Code' books. But it didn't. Maybe because it seemed predictable to me and I find it a tad too fictional and because it's full of jargons (that I couldn't even find in any of the dictionary in this house). If I may make a suggestion, they could place a glossary of French terms at the back. The riddles are quite easy (and fun!) to solve though. I, myself, managed to guess 4 of it correctly! So now I'm contemplating on having a career in cryptology! Just kidding. Well, probably most of the readers have solved a few riddles too (so much for my being a genius). About the issue on the grail and stuff, I don't think anyone should even consider for one second that any of it is true. It's too preposterous. A definite absurdity. It would just give you headaches if you try to think about it. It could even drive you crazy. But as long as you have a strong faith, I'm confident that one book would not shatter your beliefs (and your sanity) overnight. When you think about it, it might strengthen it even more. Maybe you can even consider it, say, like a test of faith! In the end, it really helps to know that this book can be found in the FICTION section of the bookstore. That certainly says it all.

After reading it, it did made me realize the sad fact that people would rather read (and even believe) all these lies that could weaken their faith rather than read things that would strengthen their faith. That book made me feel really guilty. I spent just two days reading Da Vinci Code and I couldn't even finish reading the Bible in a year. It's such a sad shameful reality that I wish could simply turn into fiction. It would be such a disgrace if I die without even finishing reading the best-selling book of all-time. TRIVIA: With just 4 chapters a day, and you're finished reading the Bible in a year. So there's just no way I can't finish it, NO WAY! I WILL FINISH IT! (And so should you!)

Matters of the Heart

Early this wonderful rainy morning, as soon as I woke up with a happy face (yep, like Shirley Manson, I'm only happy when it rains), I thought of writing about past loves... however, I'm afraid that I might just end up looking like the most bitter person and the sorest loser on the face of the planet. Well, who cares?! I don't think I'm the only person like that in this planet's blemished and sun-damaged face. So, I'm gonna talk about it anyway!

The fact of the matter is I still think about them sometimes. So, how many are them exactly? Technically, just two. Yeah, the first one and the last one and that's all, no in-betweens. The problem with me is that once it's over, it's not really over until we lose touch and never see each other again. So lovers can never be friends, in my case. Love is really an irrevocable process. That's why people say it's a risk. I can never see them as friends because everytime I see them, I am reminded of every bit of emotion I have felt, most especially the pain. It's like I can almost feel the wounds open up again. It's difficult enough not to think of the person even without constant communication, what more if there is. When I say 'I will always love you' to a person, you can expect me to stay by those words regardless of the status of the relationship (What can I say, if it's not mad love, it's not love at all). Like what I've read in "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", you give them a part of your heart so they will always be a part of you even if they don't mean anything to you now (Or something like that). Sometimes, it kinda sucks that I don't fall out of love easily. First time I was hurt real bad, I got myself into a rebound relationship. It meant absolutely nothing to me, but I thought it will stop the hurting and help sustain my sanity, but when I learned of its consequence, I totally lost it. And I mean I REALLY lost all sanity. I'll spare you of the gorey details. The second one was not that hard, all I had to do was to take my blinders off. Go figure.

Like what they always say to bitter people (not unlike myself), the important thing is you've learned. I just hate the fact that I should learn the hard way. I wish I could learn without getting my heart involved because there really is no other part of the body that when broken, hurts as badly and heals as slowly as the heart. Well, a hurting heart is a loving heart! What really matters is that I have loved and loved the best way I know how.

Next please...

mid-life crisis in da haus!

Having a parent who’s evidently experiencing midlife crisis can be such a real pain in the you-know-where. She either deliberately refuses to understand you or she’s just too old to really understand anything (think: age gap or memory gap). I am sooo angry right now that I’m actually crying and I only do that when I’m on extreme emotions. I sooo want to do something right now, like run away or something, except I don't have anywhere else to go. All I can do is write and let it serve as an outlet for this extreme emotion. GAWD! WHEN WILL MIDLIFE CRISIS BE FINALLY OVER?! I hope it ends real soon, coz I don't know how much of this I can really take. I might just actually snap my twig sooner or later. It's like I'm no longer allowed to have fun. Now, ain't that just plain unfair? Then why don't they just throw me out to nowhere?! She wasn't like this before. She was someone you'd really be proud to have as a mom. I don't know what went wrong all of a sudden. It was like she was possessed or something. Like somebody else took over her. It's like I don't even know who she is anymore, even though I have been spending everyday around her. She used to be really sweet and caring and everything. Now she's so high-strung and irritable and emotional, like the evil stepmom in fairy tales. She's even scolding me because of something I do not really have control of! I mean, why?! It's not like there's something I can do about it! Geez! Maybe she's schizophrenic and that's her alter-ego. Her bad alter-ego. This is really bad because everytime something like this happens, I always have the urge to do something to harm myself in other aspects other than the physical (although I've tried letting myself starve, but not to death). But you know what, I'm still quite fortunate that there's only one parent around here. When the reinforcement (meaning, my father) arrives in two months' time... that would really drive me mad and I'd have to change the title of my blog to: crossing over to insanity.. hmmm.. not bad...

Fave Song of the Week

Vindicated
by Dashboard Confessional

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerizing, and so hypnotizing
I am captivated, I am...

Vindicated I am selfish I am wrong I am right I swear I'm right Swear I knew it all along And I am flawed But I am cleaning up so well I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated,
so motivated I am certain now that I am...

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away

Like hope Dangles on a string Like slow spinning redemption...

I can soooo relate... whatever it means.. hahahah..

Greatest Pasalubong Ever!

My brother just got back from Hong Kong and I got the greatest pasalubong I ever received: A special extended DVD Edition of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Actually, he bought it at Xiamen, which was his first destination. I was so excited with my pasalubong that as soon as I got home, I run up to the computer and watched the first installment. I've been meaning to watch all of it today, however, I don't think my eyes would agree with that idea. One movie is long enough, but three?! I'd be needing glasses by the time I'm thru. I'm sure you would think it's pirated (I hope it's not!). But I don't believe so. I mean, it has those "VRB" like stickers on it (I don't understand what's written though since it's in chinese), and it's completely sealed with plastic, and it has a cool holder (I don't know what it's called, the cardboard thing that holds them all together? Making it look like a book? That watchamacallit thing). Until now, I couldn't take my hands off it. It's... my precioussss...

LSS (Last Song Syndrome)

Your Song
by Parokya ni Edgar

It took one look
and forever lay out in front of me
One smile
then I died
only to be revived by you

There I was
thought I had everything figured out
goes to show just how much I know
'bout the way life plays out

i take one step away
and I find myself coming back
to you
my one and only
one and only
you..

Now I know
that I know not a thing at all
except the fact that I am yours
and that you are mine

Oh,if you told me that it wouldn't be easy
and Oh, I'm not one to complain

I'm sure it's not because of the lyrics (coz I really can't relate), I think it must be the melody. I can only relate to Avril Lavigne's songs these days, and a whole lot of heavy alternative where screaming is a way of singing. But if I have someone, then you can expect hearing me singing this to him. Hopefully it would be music to his ears.

hooba hooba

In less than a week, Hoobastank will be performing at Folk Arts Theater... and I won't even be there to watch it. I am pretty sure I'm gonna miss it like how I missed the Incubus and Linkin Park concerts. It's like I'm just letting a once-in-a-lifetime thing pass me by. Sigh. Sadly, there's really nothing I can do. I'm so pathetic, I have never been in a concert all my life, much less buy a ticket to watch it. I have never even been to any of those stadiums (Cuneta Astrodome, Araneta Coliseum, Ultra, name it!). So you can say I have never watched a live basketball game. I've watched plays though (only because we were required to) and those were the only times I set foot on CCP or Folk Arts Theater. Given the chance (and the resources), I would have watched plays more often. I even wish I could be on it and perform onstage. Acting seems a fun thing to do. Maybe because it makes you feel like you morphed into a different person in a different place and time, thus giving you a whole new experience. Theater acting... yeah, maybe in my wildest dreams!

'bout time...

I want to give my site a total make-over. The layout is starting to bore me to death, and also I want to add a few things to spice it up a little. But then, I just don't know where to begin. Anyway, my last post was a real feel-bad one I almost want to delete it. I'm really not that lonely, maybe just at night but during the day, I am happy. I got everything I need. But like anything else, there's always room for improvement, I know I could always be happier. However, my happiness is not on the top of my list yet. I have to improve myself and on how I live my life. Before I waste away the gift of singlehood that God has given me, I think I should learn how to build and strengthen my relationship with God. Because when that certain someone comes around, my attention and love will be divided. Even more when I start having a family of my own. I think this is the ME and GOD time. Right before, ME and GOD and SOMEONE time. I think right now, nobody else deserves my love and attention but Him. And it's about time I make it happen... and I know that will eventually lead me to real happiness. Now.. where did I place that "Purpose-Driven Life" book?

my way of putting myself to sleep mode

I Know Him By Heart

There's a secret path I follow
To a place no one can find
Where I meet my perfect someone
I've kept hidden in my mind
Where my heart makes my decisions
'Till my dream becomes a vision
And the love I feel
Makes him real someday

Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

Am I living an illusion?
Wanting something I can't see
If I compromise, I'd be living lies
Pretending love's not meant to be
Cause I know my heart's worth saving
And I know that he'll be waiting
So I'll hold on and I'll stay strong 'till then

Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've nerver been apart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

Yet another song for that certain someone...

Every night before I drift myself to sleep, I always have the same pattern of thoughts. As I lay on my bed, with my eyes still wide open, I think about a lot of stuff. About the past love and the might-have-beens. After that, I snap back to reality and suddenly realize how lonely I feel and start feeling bad for myself (read: bitter). Then convince myself that everything's for the best but end up thinking that everything's just plain unfair. Then start believing that a certain someone exist. Then I begin questioning that certain someone's existence. Then I get tired of thinking and decide to dream instead. At least, in my dreams, I can be happier. Every night, that pattern repeats itself perpetually without fail. It seems like I don't have any control of it. It just... happens. And everytime, I can almost hear my heart break. Speaking of which, I remember what kuya Abet texted me: From the book Mr.Write:"What happens when someone breaks your heart? First you're shocked. You're heartbroken and you examine the words break and heart and heartbroken. You decide it's inaccurate. You feel pain in the region of your heart and you think it's your heart breaking but one's heart doesn't really break, something else does --- faith." Well, it's gonna take a real lot of time and effort before that heals, if at all. Well, once a romantic, always a romantic whether in a relationship or not. Most romantics don't have relationships though, thus the term hopeless romantic... let's just hope I'm really not that hopeless..

What if...

...i was a guy? I remember way back in high school, after performing a skit in front of the class with me playing a guy role (since I had ultra short hair before), a classmate came up to me and told me that if I was a guy, she would have had a crush on me. I did not know how to react because I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a compliment or not. Does it mean I look better if I was a guy? I welcomed the thought just now. What if I really was a guy. Would I be a cool guy? Good guy? Bad boy type? a rocker maybe? If I was a guy, I won't be like any other boring guy. Maybe I would take girls more seriously. My style would probably be like boy-next-door type. Probably I'd play a sport or two. Typical romantic (like I am now). A bit bookish (like I am now). Breathes music (like I do now). A bit rebellious maybe but self-contained. Definitely a hearthrob! (Come on, it's just imaginary anyway!) What type of girls would I like? Hmmm.. maybe girls like me (what can I say, love your own.. well, actually looks more like "love yourself" to me!).

Way way way back when I was still a creature inside my mother's womb, they actually thought I would be a boy because I kept squirming and kicking inside (to my mom's discomfort). Imagine their surprise when I came out without a, uhm, you-know-what. No regrets since I turned out to be a handsome girl after all! When I was in my adolescence, I was comfortable dressing up like a guy, but the rest of me is a girl. Everything changed when I started getting guys' attention (even with my boyish looks, what can I say?!), and so I ended up being a girl after all, and a pretty one at that! (Hey, this is my blog. I can claim to be anything I want). But then again, I think I bond better with guys than I do with girls nowadays. Also, I like music that are not quite defined as girlie. Plus I like PC games that most guys like. And I like speed too, like fast driving. But I really am a girl, inside and out. I like pink, I like clothes and shoes, I like styling my hair, I like romance, and all other girlie stuff. At least when I get to meet the one God has destined for me. He gets the whole package, a guy friend and a girlfriend rolled into one! What more could he ask for?! Ok, I think I better stop before I sound like I'm crazier than I thought I am.

disclaimer: this post is written mainly to boost the author's fast declining self-esteem. The author is not liable for any violent reactions that it may cause the reader.

meow

Something is wrong with tag-board, and I hope it's nothing permanent, coz that would mean I have to find a new message board for my blog. I hope it's just a system upgrade or something of that sort. Anyway, just the usual Sunday for me today. Went to hear mass and then go to Glorietta, walk around sans moolah. I've spotted something I want to buy as soon as I have P85 on my hand. Instead of the overpriced Havaianas I originally wanted to buy, I am opting to buy the cheaper local one available at SM. I have that on top of my list, and I won't stop blabbering about it until I get it (so I won't forget to buy it). Actually I have cash earlier this morning, but I splurged it on my monthly dose of Cosmopolitan magazine since it's the first day of the month. My money wasn't even enough to buy that magazine, and I had to beg for P10 from my cousin. This month's Cosmo cover is Heart Evangelista. Ok, that's enough, I don't want to talk about it anymore. Hahahah.

Yesterday, I watched "Catwoman" at Greenbelt 3 with a friend. The movie was so-so, not bad but not the best. I don't think that meowing is for Halle Berry though. Yeah, the suit looks sexy on her and all, but meowing or purring like a cat doesn't quite match her personality. The plot was also kinda predictable. Some of her poses even reminded me of Spiderman, like that time when she was at the top of a tower or when she was climbing a wall. But what really irked me does not have anything to do with the movie. The topmost seats are not actually comfortable since it strains my neck. That's the second time that I had a stiff neck after watching a movie. The first one was just a week ago, at the same theater. Anyhoo, going back to the movie... while I was watching it, I realized how cat-like I really am. Aside from having a nick name fit for a cat (ning or mining, but please don't address me that way, it's strictly for blood relatives only), I like sleeping all curled up, with my wrist twisted inward (like a paw). When I was a child, I also liked walking on the edge of the sofa chair, the couch, the table, etc. which was the reason why I broke the headrest of one of the sofa chairs (I jumped on it, teehee). I also used to like climbing on things. Like that post outside our house, or even the walls along the small hallway in our house. I can't sleep without creating friction with my feet, I have to rub it somewhere, even on my skin. Just like a cat rubbing itself against something. Maybe I am catwoman... now the only thing lacking is that sexy suit... oh yeah, and a sexy body for that suit. Hahahah.

stups

I braved the Monday morning rush to go to Diliman. Normally it would take me around 20 minutes to go to Buendia MRT, but as expected it took almost an hour. Anyway, so I rode an FX to get there. I gave the driver 20 bucks and I expect to be given a 10 bucks change. Minutes passed, still no change. Until I decided to break the silence and let the driver know I still have change. Unfortunately, my lips are faster than my brain and I ended up scrambling my words and saying "Ma, ho yung sukli ng bente". At least I didn't end up saying "Ho, Ma, yung bente ng sukli". Stupid! I could almost hear the Homer Simpson in me saying "D'oh!". But it doesn't stop there, when I finally get to Diliman. I saw a sign that made me even more stupid, "Office and Classes are suspended from 12 noon onwards due to SONA". Oh yeah, today's the SONA who can ever forget! So I had to get everything done my 12noon. At least, I got to watch the SONA at home. GMA painted a very good picture. I just hope it won't remain that way, a picture.

Gadgets Galore

From twice a day to daily to weekly, and soon it might be monthly or even worse, yearly. So many times I have been wanting to write, but so many times, fate won't let me. I either run out of prepaid internet credits or the connection is too slow or my computer is having its own version of PMS. When the time to write it down comes, as always, my thoughts run down the drain faster than you can say short-term memory loss.

We got two new acquisitions for our humble abode, a 21-inch flat screen tv (it's not that big really) and a portable cd player. If you ask me, I think it's about time to buy those stuff. None of our TVs work well. One is turning everything into grayscale with pinstripes while the other one is pseudo-remote controlled. We don't have any other CD (not even a cassette) player except the one for the PC. We don't even have a decent radio. By decent, I mean one that works without having to hit it hard. So, it's really about time. While my mom was busy buying all those stuff, I looked around the store and saw a LOT of things I wish I have. If I am given a chance to chose a store I want to ransack, this would be the place to go. I would just grab myself a PS2 and all the games I could see. I also would add a palm pilot and a gameboy advanced sp and all the game cartridges there. And the steering wheel for racing games. Also, I would grab some digital cameras and an IPod of course. A few cellphones won't hurt. And maybe a DVD player too. Well, why not just take the whole store! Hmmm.. someday, they'll all be mine.. (evil grin)

From USA to fatherhood to X-Files

I can't believe how barbaric USA can be. Either that, or they just don't understand that if we don't pull out our troops, it'll be Angelo dela Cruz's head. Don't tell me that they'd rather that an innocent man get killed than withdraw from the battlefield. I remember a documentary that I watched at Wowow channel yesterday. The title is "Bowling for Columbine", which talks about the Columbine shooting and other violent shootings that happened in the US. There was even one school shooting wherein a six-year old kid shot his classmate to death. Really disturbing. The director, Michael Moore, even showed how virtually unsafe Americans feel compared to Canadians. Canadians do not lock their doors (even at night) and do not own as much guns as Americans do. In America, they have an average of three locks on their doors and everybody owns a gun. Before, you can even buy as much ammos as you want in K-mart (K-mart did something about it though, I think they phased out their handgun ammos). The point is that Canadians don't kill each other as much as Americans do. It really IS a jungle out there. For them, violence is an answer. Well, at least their president thinks so.
 
So much about that... Today is my father's birthday. He's turning 60 and he's still in abroad (Saudi Arabia to be exact). I miss having a real father figure in the house. It's the shoes that nobody else can fill in but your dad. It really sucks that he has to work there. If I would have a family of my own, I would never let that happen. If he wants to work abroad, well, he has to take me (and the kids) with him! I know my parents really sacrificed a lot for all our sakes, and I really appreciate that. It just makes me sad that my dad didn't get to see as grow up or even get to know us deeply. Soon my brother will get married, and they didn't even had the chance to have a real father-and-son bonding. It just makes my heart break into a million pieces in sympathy with him. I couldn't really remember but maybe when I was a child, I would get shy around him like I would to a stranger. It would take me days before I get used to being around him. And when I'm finally used to it, he has to go away again for another two years. It really has affected my personality in a way. Maybe it explains why I feel more relaxed around my guy friends than around girls. I also tend to open up more to guys than I do to girls. I miss having a dad.
 
Another thing that I miss.. is crying. I miss having a real good cry. I miss shedding a bucket of tears. Maybe because I have been so used to doing it before, and somehow I liked the feeling that an after-cry brings to the point of missing it. The last good cry I've had was late last year I think. Now that I don't really have any reason to cry anymore, I kinda miss it. Although in my dream last night, I got a chance to cry a lot. But I guess in real life, I just have to save my tears for a worthy cause. I tell you, even if you're no masochist, pain can really be part of happiness sometimes. That was probably why I have let myself be taken for granted a few times, no, make that a lot of times, before. But I realized how wrong it was, how unfair it seems and how violated I felt. So I've tried to move on but in the process, I started to have difficulty trusting people. I became a fan of Fox Mulder's motto: Trust No One. Perhaps someday someone would teach me how to trust again (and never break it), but until that someday, I guess I would have to try to do it on my own.

GOTTA HAVE THESE!!!

It's time for my latest fashion finds. These are the things that I wanted to have ASAP. Maybe somebody out there (READ:YOU), knows someone who sells these kind of stuff for a cheaper price, or maybe somebody (READ:YOU) already have one and is just too kind-hearted to keep it to his or herself that he or she wants to give them away to the less fortunate ones who don't have them (READ:ME).

1. Black Havaianas - These Brazilian Flip-flops are a must-haves. You can never go wrong with these, plus they're really comfy (but that comfort comes with a higher price tag than your usual Islanders.

Ballet Janice from X:ODUS

2. Cute round-toe flats - I am a fan of flats, I hate wearing heels, they cause serious amount of pain. The good thing about these flats is that you can wear it with just about anything.

3. Floral wide skirts - I know it's no longer summer, but hey, technically it's spring! Spring=Flowers. Plus they make me feel sophisticated. In other words, pa-girl.

4.white leather bag - White goes along with almost anything. I also need a bag that is spacious enough to hold all of my stuff but would not make me look like I'm going away from home.

Gucci Women

5. Metal cuff watch - I don't have a decent watch. I particularly like this one because it's both a bracelet and a watch (duh?!). Cuffs are so in! (and I am not talking about those kinky ones.) Whatever material it's made, be it leather or metal, it's good.

6. Off-shoulder tops - It looks good even if you don't have nice shoulders, and like the skirt it gives a pa-girl effect. It also adds a touch of class to a jologs like me.

7. Von Dutch tops - My cousin and I like this brand very much. Whenever we go to the mall together, our eyes our peeled for this. Unfortunately, until now, we don't have any of it in our possession. We accept donations, by the way.

8. Jars of Clay Album - see previous post