Flashbacks

We're fond of doing flashbacks... we try to recall what transpired the last time we were together... he said its purpose was to helps us look forward to the next time we'll be together again... I just did one today...

I finally had the courage to watch "If Only" for the second time and I had to say that I shouldn't have watched it with my mom around. I was choking back tears all through out the movie but the moment when his favorite song came in, I wasn't able to hold it back. Luckily I had my back towards her so I let it flow. The feeling is entirely different the last time I watched it. I cried the first time I saw it because I kept my focus on the story. I cried now because it felt so much like a flashback and I remember everything that happened more than a year ago and how I felt at that time and how different it is to what I feel now... but I am very grateful that I was able to spend that time with him on his last day on earth. Even more thankful that they were all happy moments... much like it was on the movie...

Last Sunday, a mass was celebrated for his first death anniversary. His friends and family were there. Honestly, I was a bit reluctant to go because I was going there alone. I was scared that I might feel a bit out of place. I knew it could happen, but not with a family like his. Just like before, I instantly felt I was part of the family. I obviously love talking about him, and so I know I was with the best people to be around with. People who took care of him, who loved him, who grew up with him and really knew him well. They even invited me to have lunch at their Lola's house which was the place where he came from before the accident. The minute we got there, I started imagining. I imagined his car was the last one in the driveway, blocking the other cars, like he said. Soon as I got inside, I recognized the place from the last MMS he sent. I imagined where he was while I was calling him. I imagined him there. On the way home, they showed me what type of truck he hit and the exact location where it happened. I'd have to say that the whole day, I was slightly detached from the world. My mind was busy creating an alternate reality... I was busy doing flashbacks... which I reckon I'll be doing same day next year... and the years after that...

His dad and I got into a small talk. He did some flashback himself. He recalled the times they ate lunch together and the times wherein they are the only people in the house. He remembered the time he let Bujing drive his car for the first time on his prom night. He knew how important prom night is for him that's why he let him have the car for a night. Then he said Bujing went home later than he had expected. When he finally got home, he was looking all pale and sweaty. Turns out the car got hit by a jeepney and the damage the car received was anything but mild. He said it was the first... and last time he let him drove his car. He said he lived through that accident because that wasn't his time. The accident he was in a year ago, that was clearly his time to go. It almost seemed he knew it was going to happen. It explained why he never decided to settle down, why he never really saved up much for himself, why he was busy going from one place to another that particular night, why he left alone even if he said he'd give his cousins a ride home and a lot more... But as for me, it still doesn't make any sense. Don't get me wrong, I have accepted what happened, but I still don't understand why it had to. Well, not yet anyway. But I'm still hoping that maybe someday I will...

Memorable Quote from Grey's Anatomy

Speaking of quotes, this was mentioned on the second season episode entitled "Damage Case". So far, this is my all-time favorite line from my ultra favorite TV series, Grey's Anatomy. It made me love the show even more...

Meredith: I never should have told you about George.
Derek: No, its fine, I'm glad I know about him, and the vet. You really get around.
Meredith: What did you just say to me?
Derek: It's unforgivable.
Meredith: I don't remember ever asking you to forgive me.
Derek: So was the knitting a phase? Who's next? Alex? 'Cause I hear he likes to sleep around. You two have that in common.
Meredith (she grabs him as he turns to walk off): You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys and all the bars and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared, because I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore.
Derek: This thing with us is finished. It's over.
Meredith: Finally.
Derek: Yeah, it's done.
Meredith: It is done.

Quotable Quotes

I just wanted to share these wonderful quotes I got through text from my equally wonderful friends... These truly touched my heart in so many ways because they are so true and so full of sense... I love 'em

Nine Hardest Times of Your Life
1. Being questioned when you yourself don't understand.
2. Pretending to be innocent of what you know about.
3. Trying to forget something you never will.
4. Admitting you were wrong after you have been so insistent that you were right.
5. Debating with yourself.
6. Accepting the fact that some things are not meant to be.
7. Trying to understand when you just can't.
8. Realizing that you have been tricked after you have given your whole trust.
9. Parting and letting go of someone you've loved all your life.

*Never welcome something you cannot entertain... Never open your doors if you mean to close your heart... Never accept love if you can't give yourself in return... Never start a relationship you know you want to end... Two of the shortest words in the English language are "Yes" and "No", and yet they are often the ones that require the most thought before they are said. Some thoughts are better left unsaid, some feelings are better left kept to yourself, but love has a way of expressing itself despite the silence.

*What if you waited for your special someone your whole life and later on learn that no one is really waiting for you? True love is worth taking chances for... Sometimes you don't know why things work out. They just do - The Lake House

*No man will ever claim you unless he claims you from me. For I reserved a man for you who has my heart and loves Me even more than he will for you. For I won't give you unless he asks you from Me. He's asleep; Don't wake him. He's busy for me, my Kingdom. Soon you will know him, but I have the perfect time. You're my princess, my daughter. Let no prince claim you unless he asks you from My hand for I am your Father, the King of Kings. You, my princess is worth loving... - God

*The Hebrew talmud says: Be very careful if you make a woman cry because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib, not from his feet to be walked on. Noe from his head to be superior of, but from the side to be equal with. Under the arm to be protected for and next to the heart to be loved.

*There's a kind of pain that can numb you. There's a type of freedom that can tie you down. Sometimes the unexpained can define you and sometimes silence is the only sound.

*The important thing is not to be bitter over life's difficulties. Learn to let go of the past and recognize that everyday won't be sunny and when you find yourself lost in darkness and despair, remember - it's only in the black of the night that you can see the stars, and those starts will lead you back home. So, don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble, to fall... because most of the time, the great rewards come from things that scared you most.

*We don't look for love because it sucks to be alone watching moves, because it's sad to eat meals alone, because it's nice to cuddle up with someone on rainy days... We look for love because we want to be forgiven; for the sloppy way we dress, for the clumsy way we eat our meals, for bad hair days and for the palinness of ourselves... Love is an act of forgiveness that for all our imperfections, we are accepted and forgiven.

*Sometimes we are in love in the idea of falling in love. Loving the illusion of having or missing someone. It's alright to feel happy through other people, but don't get dependent on achieving happiness by being with someone. Love yourself first before sharing your life with somebody because if you don't, you will always look for people that you think can make you complete and in the end, it will make you lose yourself more... bit by bit... piece by piece...

*When you love, never stick only to what your heart feels.. remember that sometimes, using your brain is a necessity... Next, never use your eyes to cry for the person who hurt you. Instead, use it to search for the right one... Lastly, don't be scared to break up... Keeping a relationship without love is just a waste of time. Take note, love the one who will fight for you and bravely face each and every consequence... Someone whom you can call "mine" rather than "ideal"...

I miss...

- the times when you helped me figure out words in Text Twist...
- the time when you fetched me from work at 3 in the morning even though you're a bit tipsy just to make sure I get home safe...
- the time when I got really drunk and you didn't really care if I smelled like vomit...
- the time when I sang you our song to make you sleep...

- the time when I caught you watching me sleep and then denied it...
- the time when I watched you sleep... and then you start to snore after 5 seconds...

- the time when you tried to call me just so I can hear our song being played...

- the time we listened to Nina's album in the car...

- the time you took a picture of me while I was asleep...

- the time I took your picture while you were asleep...

- the times when we talked on the phone until the wee hours of the morning...
- the times when we used to play badminton together...
- the times we spent watching chick flicks that you admit you like...
- the times we took the bus home together...

- the times when you do a flashback... and tell me all about it...

- the times we took turns in spending hours calling each other on the cellphone... only to realize we both have landlines...

- the time when we had a serious talk...

- the look in your eyes when you get serious...

- the first time(s) we kissed...

- the way you smile...

- the way you laugh...

- the way you drive...

- the way you hold my hand...

- the way you hold my hand while you drive...

- the way you text me almost every other minute of the day that my phone's battery gets drained everyday...
- the way you text me, send me MMS and call me all in a span of one-hour...

- the way you buy me hash browns because you know its my favorite...

- the way you crack jokes almost effortlessly...
- the way you make me cry and smile in one day...

- the way you drink until you turn pink, then red and then start speaking incoherent english...

- the way you say sorry for something you did wrong...
- the way we accuse each other of being too busy to text or reply...

- the way we accuse each other of being too busy to email or reply when we are just a few seats apart...
- the way you read my blog and make all sorts of senseless comments on it...
- the way you forced me to drink medicine to relieve my pain...

- the way you go through my cellphone...
- the way we kiss when we meet each other or say goodbye...

- the way we kiss...
- the way you hold me tight when we hug...

- the way you cared for me...

- the way you made me love you inspite and despite of everything...

- and most especially, you... so much... for almost a year now...

 

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

I agree with what I read on another comment, it was visually stunning. What with all that special effects, I felt like I was in Rialto or on a roller coaster ride or something...

I was not able to watch the first few minutes of the film because I'm in a 'one-time screening only' theater (if that's what you call it) so I have no idea what and how much did I miss. I think I was not able to grasp the full story because of that, thus affecting my full appreciation of the film. But anyway, for the parts that I was able to watch, it's suffice to say that I was somehow satisfied. As expected, Jack Sparrow was very charming. Hands down to Johnny Depp for giving an exquisite performance. The rest, well.. they're ok I guess. I still can't seem to see Orlando Bloom as any other way but Legolas. You could say I watched 'The Lord of the Rings' trilogy too many times.

The movie is a bit too long in my opinion... and then you'll find out in the end that it's not finished... and then I just found out I missed something after the credits. I also don't think that the story was well organized (I admit there I got sorta lost and confused). All the action was great, but storywise... it could still be better. Hopefully the next installment ('At World's End') would reclaim its past glory.

Grey's Anatomy (TV Series)

Thanks to Pat, I got addicted to this TV Series... I am really not much of a medical person. Trips to the hospital always end up with me getting nauseous, particularly at the slightest sight of blood... or even just dextrose. But by watching this series, I feel like somehow I'm starting to get over that phobia albeit everything on the show is fake.

Anyway, whether you're practicing medicine or not, you'll definitely find a way to appreciate this show. They describe it as a "quirky drama" that is quite endearing. I love everyone in the cast, but Sandra Oh is my personal favorite. I found myself laughing and crying all in one episode. So you can say it practically drove me crazy. One thing I also love about this show is the soundtrack... I love every song they played!

You will sometimes find yourself hearing medical jargons, however it really does not impede the plot of the story (although, I would love it if I could understand them.) They say that the show is not that realistic. That it's medically inaccurate and it does not portray what really happens in a hospital, but then again, people won't really patronize it much if it's THAT real. Part of the reason we watch TV series is to divert our attention from the real world. So if you want something real, you can either tune in to Discovery Channel or turn off the TV...

Free at Long Last...

My teeth finally got free of their metallic orthodontic braces. After more than three long years of unimaginable torture! Goodbye braces, hello retainers...

At first it feels a bit weird and I feel like my teeth are a whole lot bigger than they were before... but of course I'm just over-reacting (am I not?). Well, anyway, I can't stop rubbing my teeth because they feel so smooth... and big. I'm still adjusting to the new sensation. I still find myself talking as if I got braces... my 's' is still a bit slurred... and so is my 'c', I can't pronounce words ending in 'th' right and my 'r' is a bit "coniotic". So now I think I got a minor speech problem. But I guess it will go away when I get my retainers. My dentist actually offered me fixed retainers, which will not be visible by others because they will be glued to the back of my teeth and I won't have to worry about accidentally throwing it away. But I still went for the basic removable ones because I decided not to be his guinea pig. Also, I don't want anything on my teeth anymore when I eat. My tongue is tired of clearing my teeth of morsels while I'm eating. Plus, I might actually bite that retainer off my teeth so then I would need to go back everytime that happens. So there. I don't want fixed retainers period.

Anyway, I thought that the idea of having braces is so you can have a better smile to show to the world... but in fact, I'm actually trying to avoid smiling and if I do smile, I do it with mouth closed. My teeth looks so freakingly big. I almost felt like I want to have them metals back... but I know I can't wear them forever. Eventually, I have to get rid of them and move on. My teeth have to move on. There's still so much my teeth need to experience... a proper oral prophylaxis, composite fillings, root canals, porcelain jackets, bleaching, other dental treatments...

I'll be posting pictures of my non-metallic grin so you can see for yourselves... Pictures taken on Patrick's birthday c/o his camera... nice noh? heheheh.

Superman Returns!

I may not have a clear recollection of how he vanished... but I'm glad to know he's back...

Honestly, I haven't really understood a Superman movie before. I say 'Understood' because I may have watched them but I didn't really get what the story was all about... considering I was only a few years old at that time. All I can really recall is that group in black who got trapped in a mirror. I seriously got scared of them that I remember them haunting me in my childhood dreams. So you can say I do not really have an extensive knowledge of him, given that my interest in Superman's life only began when I got hooked watching 'Smallville'.

Anyway, the movie is good and effective if the creators' aim is to establish a start of a sequel. There's not much action, not much fight scenes, not much of anything if you ask me. Just trying to build a story line. I think Smallville season finales are even better compared to it. But hey, most pilot episodes are like that... they may seem boring but they are important. The movie was fun, but there are a lot of trivial stuff that would really bug you and get to your head... like how come Lois Lane didn't incur any injury when she got hit in the head with a seemingly very thick and heavy vault door, like how come nobody noticed that Clark Kent got back at the same time Superman returned, and why was there no humongous tidal wave when that big an earthquake hit the city... I don't know.

Moving on, the casting for Superman is quite good. I could really see Brandon Routh as Superman/Clark Kent. Sticking to the original score is a good decision, it sort of brought nostalgia to the viewers. It was not all that bad really. In my humble opinion, this one is still worth the watch... you won't want to miss such an important revelation...

Prison Break

I just finished watching the last half of the first season of Prison Break... all I can say is I'm hooked!

Basically, the series is all about how Michael Scofield (Wentworth Miller) carefully planned how to get his brother, Lincoln Burrows (Dominic Purcell) who is on deathrow, escape from prison. It's a really really interesting series. For me, it's a welcome change from teeny-bopper series that I've been following. One reason why I like this series is that the plot is so much like Shawshank Redemption and I really enjoyed watching that film. I don't know but I somehow find prison life interesting. Not that I want to experience it, but I'm just quite fascinated about how they spend their time in confinement and still remain sane. Also, the camaraderie inside the prison somehow got me captivated. And of course, Wentworth is such a hunk, he's the main selling point here! I wouldn't be watching this if it wasn't for him. Hehehe. Well, watching this series sort of makes me feel both happy and sad at the same time. Happy, that I have my freedom... and sad, for those people who are not supposed to be in there. The season finale is such a freakin' cliffhanger (well, aren't all season finales cliffhangers?). I can't wait until August!

Visit the Official Website: http://www.fox.com/prisonbreak

U-R-G-E

Here I am again trying to fight off yet another urge to buy something expensive. I'm trying to talk myself out of it, but it seems that I would need some back up. You see, I just got this urge to buy a Sony PSP because it's 0% interest for 12 months. It would be sooo ultra kewl to have it. However, I found out that emulators won't work with the new version anymore... so that would mean I gotta buy the original stuff that costs no less than 2 grand each. Not to mention I'd have to buy a memory stick with a large storage space that costs at least 4 grand. So basically, it would cost me no less than 16 grand to have the PSP and actually enjoy it...

If you got an opinion on this, this would be the best time to let me know. I can't put my foot down yet. I can't arrive at a firm decision. In other words, I'm in dire need of your help!

The Notebook

Just watched this movie on HBO a few weeks ago... I just so love this part it almost lead me to tears... I especially liked the lines in bold, they made me melt! I knew these lines would be applicable to me someday... heheheh.

Young Noah: It's not about following your heart and it's not about keeping your promises. It's about security.
Young Allie: What's that supposed to mean?
Young Noah: [yelling] Money. He?s got a lot of money!
Young Allie: You smug bastard. I hate you for saying that.
Young Noah: You're bored Allie. You're bored and you know it. You wouldn't be here if you weren't.
Young Allie: You arrogant son of a bitch.
Young Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
Young Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Young Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?
Young Allie: It's not that simple.
Young Noah: What... do... you... want? Whaddaya want?
Young Allie: I have to go now.

I Never Forget to Remember

Just this morning, while I was feeling all depressed and alone, I remembered Daniel again... and I cried like everything just happened yesterday. I will always wish he never went away. I guess there really is no getting over him that easily. I may begin to love someone new, but a part of it will always remain with him.

 

I started missing him so bad that I began reading the text messages he had sent to me over a year ago. He was really such a sweet, thoughtful and caring person. I miss spending time with him and talking to him. It will be really difficult for someone to level with him, much more to surpass him. I am not expecting that someone will. Just don't get me wrong, I believe I will still be able to love someone new and I will love that person for whoever he is. But not to replace Daniel but to have someone new. I don't want that someone to live under his shadow and all. That would be downright unfair. I want him to be a whole new different person because that's exactly what he is, an entirely different person. Get it? Arrgghh! It's so complicated that I can't even tell it right. I'd be lucky to find someone who understands my situation and still be able to love me despite and inspite of everything. And someday, I'll let that someone meet him when I visit (It's one of my requirements).

 

I just realized it's been a while since I went back to visit him. I sort of missed going there. I whispered a promise to him that I'll be visiting next week. I wanted to go this weekend, but my family is going to Tagaytay and we won't be back til Monday. So next week it is. I got lots of things to tell him! So many things have happened just for the past few months. He needs to catch up with all the news... Can't wait! =)

Song for the Day

Bad Day
by Daniel Powter

Where is the moment when we need it the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue sky's faded to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carrying on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carrying on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carrying on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Sometimes the system goes on the blink and the whole thing it turns out
Wrong
You might not make it back and you know that you could be well oh that
Strong
Well I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You see what you like
And how does it feel, one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Hoping for Spring to Come

I'm starting to think that I really am meant to be alone... every friendship I build with people, especially deeper ones, always tend to be taken away from me. Intentionally or not, it doesn't really matter. How I wish I have the power to control time. If I could, I would have turned it back and just repeat a certain point of my life over and over again until I die.

I guess it all started when I lost one special person due to an unfortunate incident. Probably he was my lucky charm of some sort, because after that, I just started losing people who have ever been close to my heart, one after the other. Just for the past two months, I feel like I have lost almost everyone I have valued. Some don't really intend to leave, it's just that they have to take on a different path. Opting for greener pastures as they say. Some I lost as a consequence to a certain slip in judgment and some due to unfavorable circumstances. And I'm not even including the people I lost through time. Sigh....

I feel like my friends are falling out in the same manner that the leaves fall off the trees during autumn. I guess, like the trees, I just have to keep myself alive... long enough to get me through winter... and still have enough strength to be able to see the first sign of spring...

To Err Is Human, To Forgive Divine

I make mistakes, I am, after all, human. This is never my excuse for making mistakes. I have no excuse for the mistakes I've done. I just know that they are things I've done or let happen that I've regret time and time again and they will continue to haunt me. But there's no way I can take them back.

I can't even explain myself or more so, defend myself. I do not honestly know why or how it happens, I don't even understand myself anymore. I know this also happens to other people and I've learned to understand them and forgive them for whatever harm they've done or caused. I don't expect that other people would treat me the same way, but I understand them just the same. To err is human, to forgive divine. It's not my way to burn bridges. I treasure every friendship I make. I am thankful for every friendship I get to keep. I get all the help from them, it's just me who cannot seem to know how to help myself. That is where the problem begins.

I know I cannot do anything about what other people say or think about me. I'm afraid I cannot defend or explain myself any longer. Honestly speaking, I don't even know what to say to them anymore. I'm not pleading guilty, but I'll surrender to whatever their verdict is. I'll just have to respect whatever their opinions are about me. Does not matter if they know the whole story or not, prejudice will always be present.

I found out that most of the time, no matter how hard it is for me... it's better to keep my silence. No matter how hard you try, at the back of their minds, they will always think you are what they think you are. Sometimes, they know you better than you know yourself.

I am sorry if I just don't live up to their expectations... I am sorry if I have disappointed them... I am sorry if it seemed like I don't give a slightest care to the world... I'm trying my best to live my life, and to tell you frankly, it's not the easiest thing to do and I was even so close to giving up... but I try to hang on, wishing that something or someone will be able to help me redeem myself from this unholy mess...

Birthday Post

Okay, 23rd birthday officially over. The four-day long celebration is finished. A year older, and not a tad richer!

So, let me begin this post by giving my yearly Birthday Speech. This year proved to be the most difficult of all years (I hate to think that it gets more difficult each year). It has forced me to mature in all aspects of life. The challenges are definitely not welcomed, but I really have no choice but to face them. But I'm just thankful that I got out alive (although a lot of times, I feel like giving up). I know it will never end, and it will even continue to get tougher by the second. I just hate it how I always end up getting tangled with all sorts of trouble. They say I let it happen to me, so I'm partly to blame. I understand what they mean. I think I might be schizophrenic or something. I say one thing, but I do the opposite. I can't get myself to do what needs to be done. So I always end up being bruised, shattered into pieces, broken and hurt. I get all the help I can get from other people... It's just I who couldn't help myself... and you can never help someone who is not ready to help herself. That truly is the most depressing fact. But, come on, it's not like I asked for unfortunate stuff like that to happen. I did not pray for life to treat me this way. Harsh. All I really wish for is just to be able to go back and live the normalcy of life...

So anyway, my birthday celebration started on the eve of my birthday at the office. I brought some food (Waldorf, Rosemary Chicken, Carbonara and French Bread). But it wasn't enough for the whole team, so only the chosen few (although many were called) got to eat. In the evening, my family and I went out to dinner at Soul Food at Greenbelt 3. Food is good... but they don't have any special treatment for birthday celebrants... pffft!

Then Saturday night is like part 2 of my office birthday bash. I treated 12 of my team mates to Dampa at Sucat, Paranaque. It was my first time to go there, so it was quite an experience. I'm not really good with buying and haggling at the wet market, so they sort of took over. We had lots of fun. I got to sing a whole lot of songs (I love to sing... but I didn't say I sing well. I actually sang off tune more often than not. That's the good thing about it being my birthday, no one has the right to complain). The food was greeeaatt (not to mention cheap!). We got Inihaw na Pusit, Calamares, Baked Tahong, Tahong with sabaw, liempo, Inihaw na fish, Kalderetang Kambing. We're all full to the brim! I don't mind going back there, really. I so had fun.

Then come Sunday night, my college friends and I ate at National Sports Grill at Greenbelt 3 after not seeing each other for months. Last time we saw each other was December last year. Most of our conversation is about Hollywood, movies and music. We also decided to go on an outing around first week of May (a first for us actually because the last time we actually went out of town is because it was a requirement for school). I also got super kewl gifts, I got these two kewl shirts, The Chillout Project album, Chocolates from Bizu and a set of accessories. They give the best gifts every time. It's the perfect closing for my birthday celebration.

Now, I'm back to work... back to my sucky life... but at least, for four days, I was reminded of how it feels to be happy... Thanks guys for making that happen... (I'm such a drama queen)

Happy Birthday to ME!

It's almost my birthday... and I'm not really a wee-bit excited on getting a year older (what's new?!).  A year older and no progress with life whatsoever. Every year I just get more frustrated with life and more depressed with the status quo. Its a lifelong crisis I tell you...

Well, its almost like a four-day celebration for me... at the strike of 12 of April 7th, my colleagues and I are going to feast on Rosemary chicken, carbonara pasta, Waldorf and French bread which my aunt and mom prepared (ain't they so sweet?). Tomorrow night, I'm gonna treat my family out to dinner. On Saturday night, I'm gonna treat my officemates out to dinner at Dampa in Sucat. And on Sunday night, I'm gonna treat my friends out to dinner at Greenbelt 3. Busy weekend for me. Heheheh...

We'll see how everything goes... and I hope I don't run out of money.. But then again, payday is just around the corner...

Valentine's Day...

is totally over rated. It's really nothing but a clever marketing strategy, a season they invented so that there'll be reason to buy an expensive gift for a special someone. Marketing strategy to make people mindlessly spend lots of money... a day before it's even payday. Prices for flowers and chocolates skyrocket to more than twice its regular price at this time of the year and people still buy them. Flower shops, Candy shops, Specialty shops are flocked with people. All because it's valentine's day. Bahumbug!

Sorry for my antagonistic point of view of Valentine's day. The last time I really had a valentine was more than four years ago i think. And don't think that I'm just saying this because I'm sourgraping... because I'm sooo not! I mean, why give a gift on Valentine's day... when you can do so any other day?! And what exactly is the idea of giving flowers (or even stuffed toys) to someone when you can give something more useful, like.. say.. a nice cute shirt or a pair of shoes or a pretty dress. Why does it have to be flowers?! Why does everyone have to buy flowers on Valentine's day? And so now what's left on the stand are the dying bunch... and I can't even afford to buy them for Bubu. What use will they have for flowers?! They have absolutely no use for it! And I bet they're even embarassed to carry them around. One guy I saw was carrying the bouquet behind his back (probably doesn't know how to carry it without losing his manliness). The girl who rode the FX I was riding even covered her face of embarassment when the driver complimented the pink roses she was carrying. She jokingly responded with "kakabili ko lang nyan, para sa sarili ko...". Hahaha. Everybody is like giving a taunting smile to those people who are carrying flowers... like it's a big joke or something. It's like at the back of their minds, they're either saying: "Awww, how nice!" or "Pffft, How original!".

Well, I don't know... I'm just too practical I guess (or just mad that I can't buy flowers). Anything that came from the heart and/or worked by the hands are much more appreciated, than wasting money on dust collectors such as stuffed toys, flowers, balloons and stuff. I don't know, maybe just the thought of having someone I can really keep would be enough for me. Just spending time with that someone would be more than enough. I will show how much I appreciate him not only on Valentine's day, but always. Sigh. Okay, enough mush before I break into a rash... Don't worry, I'm not really anti-Valentine's day... I wouldn't be sending out those V-day text messages if I was! Happy Valentine's Day everyone! ;P

Quotable Quote:
Love grows by giving, the love we give away is the only love we keep. The only way to retain love is to give it away. - elbert hubbard

Around the World in 80 Seconds... or Less

Two words... Google Earth. Thanks to the people who made Google Earth happen, I get to see other parts of the world apart from Luzon. (For the sake of those who do not know and contrary to popular belief... I have never left this island all my life... meaning never been on a plane, nor a ship... Pity).

Get Google Earth. Put the world in perspective.
earth.google.com



One of the places I would really like to visit for real, Paris, France. I don't know, but there's just something magical about that place that draws me to it. And I know I'm not the only one in the world who feels that way about Paris. I just love Paris!(and I don't mean Hilton).

I also want to go to Phuket, Thailand. I want to go to that dream beach featured in the movie "The Beach". The Maya Beach. The scenery is breathtaking. I'm running out of words to describe it by just thinking of it. Hehehe...

I also want to see Manhatttan, New York and Tokyo, Japan and Hong Kong, China (No, I'm not gonna go Disneyland hopping) and Sydney, Australia and New Zealand... and the list goes on. All of 'em just a few clicks away! But nothing can really beat going there and experiencing it all for real. But then again, if you ain't got the dough to get there... get Google Earth and learn to content yourself with satellite photos! It's the next best thing! ;P

Saying Goodbye...

to my old trusty cellphone was not as easy as I thought it would be... Yep, I already got the Pink Moto Razr V3 that I wanted... and it's giving me mixed emotions.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled with my new phone, quite happy that I finally got something out of my own pocket. However, I can't help but go emotional about leaving my T610. Once I change the SIM card on that phone, all data will be deleted almost like it has been reset (that's the major flaw of the T610). But even if all the data gets lost, it's sentimental value will never decrease. I will definitely won't put it up for sale... even for a thousand... no, make that a million dollars (hehehe. like someone's going to pay THAT much for a worn out phone!). I've had that phone for more than two years I think... and I can say it has seen better days. It witnessed everything I went through for the last two years or so. And in my life, the last two years was the most difficult of all. It became my confidant of some sort. I cannot think of any important event wherein it has not been a part of. I owe my life to this phone. I almost didn't want to leave it. Daniel's last call to me is still listed on its call list... But then my phone seemed to have been corrupted and everytime I try to access some of his MMS messages, the phone will restart (Good thing I had a habit of sending them to my email soon as I receive 'em). It randomly deletes my whole inbox as well. So one by one, little by little, it's showing me signs of retirement. It's giving me more reasons to get a new phone... and that's what I did.

Monday morning, I was like possessed. I told myself, by the end of the day, I have to have that phone. So I went to ParkSquare and scout for one... only two stores had it. So I had them compete until I got a reasonable price... and then I used my new credit card... so for the next few months, no shopping sprees for me... bummer.. but I got a new kewl phone anyway. That should be worth it. ;P

It's Syuper Dyuper Kyut!

The Pink/Magenta Motorola RAZR V3.. I want one... and I am getting one as soon as I can... I am finally buying myself a cellphone for the first time in my entire life. My first one was bought by my mom, and my second one was handed down to my by my sister... here are its specs (I got it from this Motorola site)

Personalisation / Fun Features

User Customisable Softkey Functions, Main Menu and Shortcuts
Games : 3D Java - embedded & space for downloads
Downloadable Themes (Ringtones, Wallpaper & Screensavers)
MOTOMIXER™ (Remixable MIDI ringer software)
Polyphonic Ringtones
MP3 Ringtones
Polyphonic Speaker : 22 Khz Polyphonic Speaker, 22 Chord support
Video Download
Video Clip Playback with sound
Integrated Digital VGA Camera with 4 x Digital Zoom

Call Management Features

Picture Phonebook
In-built Hands-free Speaker Phone
Caller Group Profiling
Time & date stamp (for calls & SMS)
Phonebook : Up to 1000 entries on phone plus up to 250 on SIM card
VibraCall®

Messaging Features

iTAP™ Predictive text with T9 emulation
EMS 5.0
SMS Chat one-to-one : one-to-one
MMS (Picture / photo + text + sound)
Group SMS
Quick messages
Mobile Concatenation
Instant Messaging Support : (Wireless Village) 1.1 embedded client
Email support: Pop3, SMTP, IMAP4

Lifestyle Features

Calculator and Currency Converter
Date and Clock
PIM Functionality
Calendar
Alarm Clock

Performance Features

Bands : Quad-band (GSM 850/900/1800/1900)
Talktime : Up to 200 to 430 minutes
Standard Battery : 680 mAh Li-ion
Standby Time : Up to 180 to 290 hours

Data Features

GPRS : 1, 6 - 2U4D
WAP : 2.0
Connectivity : CE bus (USB / Bluetooth®)
Preloaded Software

Technical Specifications

Precision Cut Metal Keypad
Internal Memory : 5 MB
Weight : 95 g
External Display : 96 x 80 pixel, 4k CSN Colour, 4 Lines of Text / Line of Icons
Volume : 65 cc
Finish : Anodized Aluminum
Dimensions : 98 x 53 x 13.9 mm
Internal Display : 176 x 220 pixel, up to 260K TFT Color, with Graphic Accelerator, 9 Lines of Text
Colour : Cosmic Blue, Silver, Black and Pink
Form Factor : Clam

Its super duper cute! soooo bagay to me! I'm gonna get one first thing tomorrow morning! Hehehehe ;P

Happy Birthday Bubu!

It's Daniel's birthday today! His 28th on the 27th... Time flies by real fast... before we even know it, we're celebrating his birthday. And in a few days, his 6th month...

I was supposed to schedule a mass for him, but was unable to do so. Time constraints. Most of the masses on weekdays are scheduled in the evening so it automatically means we won't be able to attend because we'll all be asleep around that time. But we all offered our prayers to him, that's for sure. Most of us will probably offer the Sunday mass to him.

Anyway, my mom and I bought him flowers yesterday. I chose white roses this time. I don't know, I just feel like giving him a bunch of white roses. I had to carry it from the office to the MRT station (where the guards are curiously eyeing what I'm carrying around on an ultra big plastic bag) and I couldn't tote it around with stretched arms or it will touch the ground, so I have to slightly bend my elbows which put strain on my underdeveloped biceps. I was worried that by the time I get there, it will look parched or even dead. But thankfully, it was still alive and breathing when I got to his place.

It was such a bad time for my cellphone to run out of battery... so I just emailed Yannie as soon as I left the office. I fetched her at her workplace (the guy at the frontdesk referred to me as "the girl with the big plastic bag") and then we picked up his framed jersey at her place. We got a little stuck in traffic on our way there and we made it barely in time to meet his family who's just about to leave. I think it was the first time I saw more than one visiting person there, because I usually go alone or sometimes, with a friend. Ate Danette, Deck, Tito Dan, Ate Kim, Kuya Zasam and Tonito were there. It was nice to see them all over again. It sort of made me feel like he's still around. Just there... just around... watching us...

And he did sort of let us know he's just around...

You see, Cj gave him a stick of cig as a birthday gift. It was untouched when we left. But then a few minutes after we left, Faye (Daniel's cousin) arrived. When she got there, the cig was not lit. Then it started to drizzle so she went for cover. When she got back, surprisingly enough, the cig was already burnt halfway. Her account was that it was not that near the candle nor the flame for it to burn. Weird! If it was really him who did that, I'm gonna scold him... for still trying to smoke! Hahaha! Just kidding! Well, I told him I'll even give him a bottle of beer...
if he asks for it...
PERSONALLY!

We all super duper miss him... I know I do. Everytime there's any work-related celebration, any event or just about any occasion... I always imagine what it would be like if he was still here. I still enjoy talking about him. It sort of keeps the memories alive. I just wish he would visit me in my dreams more often, everyday if possible (demanding?! Hehehe). Because I think it's the only way I can REALLY get by. I thought I could actually get over him but I realized I was wrong to think that way. Six months is still too soon. It seems like I'll just have to live with it... and accept the fact that I'll never get over him for real. So, whoever I'm gonna be with in the future also has to accept that fact. It just can't be taken away. It's already part of who I am...

THE Battle

I was on leave for almost a week, trying to finish up my paper work... and I got zero productivity. Why? I gave in to all sorts of diversions. For one (which is the most frequent) I played DotA... which is a really really cool game. (The other night, my friend and I were playing until 4am!) I'm not that good with it (yet)... but it's fun nonetheless.

Then, just this weekend, my sister asked if we want to spend the night at Tagaytay. So we did! We got there in no time at all. We left at 430pm... got there at 530, just in time to hear mass. Then, we ate at Yellow Cab Pizza, then went to the nearest Starbucks for a doze of coffee. We stayed at my sister's boyfriend's family's house at Royal Pines West. It was a nice house, because it has cable TV! It may not seem so, but it was a lot of fun to go there. I enjoyed it a lot. Somehow, I felt relaxed and de-stressed... all set for another week of work... NOT! Heheheh..

Anyway, we left there at noon the next day, Sunday... Boxing day! I am not a REAL fan of boxing, but somehow I find it interesting and I've been watching some of the big and most-talked-about games before (like that game where Tyson bit Holyfield in the ear? Classic!). Before I have always watched at home... Never did I know how fun it was to watch it someplace else until today. You see, when we were in Tagaytay, we decided to have lunch here in Manila. I didn't want to miss "The Battle" between Manny Pacquiao and Erik Morales, so I watched on my sis' pocket TV while we were on the road. We got to Manila in an hour (or less) and the game was only on round 2. I suggested we eat at NSG (National Sports Grill) because I know for sure they're gonna have a TV there and I know some of my officemates are planning to watch the game there. When we got to Greenbelt 3, the driver's lounge is packed with twenty people or more, all glued to the TV watching the game. And as expected, NSG is full to the brim. No seats left. A whole bunch of people are already standing outside (they had placed two TV sets outside). All the people there are cheering and shouting as if they're actually in Las Vegas where Pacquiao can hear them. It's like the whole mall stopped when the game was on. You can hardly find people strolling around. All TV sets on every restaurant that has one are on Channel 2 (where the game is being aired). Even the crew people are attentively watching tv. We stood around a bit and watched on the widescreen TV at NSG. Then I decided to text my officemates to let them know I'm around. CJ replied and told me they're at Fish Co. (almost beside NSG). Since we got no seats at NSG, we decided to eat at Fish Co. instead (I demanded a seat in front of a TV of course!). And man, was it worth it! The game was soooo ultra exciting! The crowd was very reactive... applauding on every hard blow Pacquiao gives Morales. Although I already heard the result minutes before it ended from some blabbermouth who passed by (such a killjoy), it was still exciting to see how Morales fell to his knees on the 10th round. I actually got goosebumps when I saw it happen. Everybody shouted and stood from their seats when the referee signaled that the game was over and Pacquiao won the match! My mom and sister (who previously weren't paying attention or were not even enthusiastic in the beginning) were cheering as well. The crowd was overwhelming! It was so much fun! So noisy! So festive! Like it was New Year all over again! Pacquiao rules! He's sooo great! I am so happy he won and I so want to see him when he gets here! I'm telling you, I'm gonna take part in giving him a hero's welcome he truly deserves.... hehehehe. And I promise I will not miss that upcoming match with Antonio Barrera! ;P

New Year...

but not necessarily a happy one...

I'm not having a good vibes for this new year... it's only been a week since new year started and I've already messed it up for the rest of the year. Typical of me to do that.

So I decided I gotta do something about this before it's all too late and I destroy the rest of my life. I actually came up with a plan which I hope will work and I am sooooo hoping that this is the right thing to do... (I feel like it is but since it seems that everything I do these days is wrong, I can't say anymore if it is or not... confused? so am I). And to make sure that I won't mess up this time, I'm not gonna say what my plan is until I have actually done it. I'm pretty sure it would work... It should somehow get my life back on track... I haven't really finalized it yet but I will, really soon, because I don't have that much time left. I'm actually pretty excited about it, I just hope that everything works according to plan. And this begins later tonight... no time to waste. We'll see what happens... Baffled? Heheh... Isn't suspense fun? Don't worry... you'll know.

P.S.
I had a haircut by the way... it's got nothing to do with the plan... but... I had a haircut... ;P

Year-Ender and Year-Starter post

Christmas.. and now New Year... next, Valentine's day... now I'm starting to post occasionally...

I would have really wanted to sum up the year with a really long year-ender post... recounting the events that happened, lessons learned, people met, people lost, etc. And then write another really long year-starter post... about hope for tomorrow, new years resolution, plans, dreams, wishes, etc.... but my enthusiasm to write sort of vanished... so I'll just roll them up in one really short post.

It wasn't really much of a good year... That's it! Year-ender post, summed up in one sentence!

And as for my Year-starter post... given the fact that it wasn't really much of a good year... and so why in the world would I think that this year would be any different?!?!?

It doesn't make any sense... I know... so if you could just please refer back to the title of this blog for a bit of enlightenment... thank you. And Happy New Year to you too...

P.S. soon as I find my inner peace (so there's an outer peace?!) ... I'll write better I promise (read: no more corny jokes).

Christmas Eve

It's finally Christmas, and what a way to welcome it. I woke up at 730 pm on the 24th of December, and what do I find? Some of the priceless pictures on my phone, disappeared into thin air, without anyone even touching it. All was left in place of it was a red X (so if anyone reading this knows how to tech it, lemme know). Again, it's automatically restarting itself, and rejecting the correct PIN a few times, and emptying the Inbox on its own. The total free space I now have is 600kb, when previously it was just at 32kb. So meaning, that's more than 500kb worth of pictures lost. It's haunted. Possessed. Screaming for a replacement. Well, I'm sorry, even if you force me to replace it, I don't have the money for it (See "New Acquisition" post). And I won't really "replace" it, because I'd still keep it and I won't sell it.

Well, something good came out of it. Since the Inbox was emptied, there was enough space for all the Christmas greetings I received. I didn't have to go through the trouble of deleting saved messages. But still, I'd rather have the photos back.

I proposed that we attend mass on the night of 24th instead because I had plans for Christmas morning. I planned to visit Bubu on Christmas morning. Then go back home for Christmas Lunch with the family. Then spend time in the afternoon with my best friend (to buy our soon-to-be-married friend a gift). Then play Need for Speed Most Wanted on Christmas night.

But anyway, we all know Christmas is not about me. It's about Him, his birthday. So I shouldn't really sulk about the bad things that are happening in my life. At least for a day, I should forget all about it and be happy because it's Christmas. God's birthday is definitely reason enough to celebrate and be happy... So I'll do everything I can to be happy... and looking at my whole-day plan on spending Christmas, I think they all point to the road to happiness... Merry Christmas everyone! :P

Song For The Moment

Without You
by After Image

I know it's over now
I can't believe we're through
If this is what you need
There's nothing I can do
But where am I to go
What have I to choose
Rememberin' our days
Just makes me want to cry
We tried so hard I know
But still we said goodbye

So where am I to go
What have I to choose
When I built my world around you
Gotten used to see your smile
Hear you whisper late at night
Now I've nothing left to lose
'Cause I know I'm without you

If only fate were kind
Then I'd be holding you
And we'd be like before
But destiny was cruel

So where am I to go
What have I to choose
When I built my world around you
Gotten used to see your smile
Hear you whisper late at night
Now, I've nothing left to lose
'Cause I know I'm without you, oh hoh
Without you, woh hoh
Without you, there's no sunshine
Without you, only rain
And if there is tomorrow
I hope to ease my pain, to ease my pain

Gotten used to see your smile
Hear you whisper late at night
Now, I've nothing left to lose
'Cause I know I'm without you
I know it's over now

New Acquisition

It's December... and the malls are packed with people. At 11:45 am, Park Square 2 is filled with cars up to the 5th floor already, giving as the idea how crowded the malls are gonna be. But of course, it never stopped us from going there. Especially me. Why? Because I can feel that I'll be buying something really costly... But apparently, my mom was thinking of the same thought... and so my one month old credit card has already been pushed to its limit. My mom bought a new carpet, we were supposed to use my sister's credit card, but it didn't work... she knew I already have one, so we used mine instead.

But still, it didn't hinder me from buying something costly for myself... guess what that is... a new digigal camera! I got real envious of my friend who just splurged on a new cellphone and a digicam. Since I really do not wish to replace my phone, I bought a digicam instead! I chose that one, because I got a whole lotta freebies with that purchase. I got a free rechargeable batt with charger (worth a thousand bucks), flashlight, a rewards card for that store and other affiliated stores and 13 raffle coupons. I didn't tell my mom about my recent purchase yet, because I don't really know how she'd react. But knowing her, she might already know, if not she'll find it out sooner than expected...

November

November ends... and I only made two posts... and so now I'm going to cramp everything else in one post to make up for all those times I forgot to post or I was too tired or too lazy to write.

Anniversary. I might be developing amnesia. I forgot the death anniversary of a dear friend who passed away four years ago. She was my Science teacher on my first year of High School. The only teacher I've grown closed with and stayed in contact with until she went away. But good thing is I always pray for her for all those times I remember her. Like Bubu, I also wished she was still here. I can only imagine the stuff I'd be telling her if she was still around.

Shopping. for the most part of the month, I was not at work. I got two weeks off if you add it all up. Because I got three rest days (Mon, Tues, Thurs) if I go on leave on a Wednesday, that would be four days off. Then add the days where we were forced to go on leave... All in all, i got two weeks were I got 5 or 6 consecutive days off. Where did I go? I wished I could go to the beach, but thinking of the money I'd be spending... I rather go shopping. And I did! For this month, I bought four tank tops, few shirts, one capri pants, pouch bags, stuff for my hair, some gifts, pens, and all sorts of stuff I don't remember. I also got the Starbucks 2006 Planner! I completed the sticker album in two weeks! But it turns out, I won't be able to use it until the last week of December. So much for all the excitement.

Milestone. Had an argument with one of my closest friends. Over something quite trivial if you ask me. I was going on my way... telling him how my day went, like usual and then he suddenly started acting all weird on me. Made me feel like going out with an old flame is a crime. On my part, I don't really see anything wrong with it because I consider it just like hanging out with a friend. I don't do dates. He, of all people, should know that I'm not exactly ready to go on dates yet. Let alone, be involved with someone. And even if I was ready, I don't think he really should be acting that way. Quite uncalled for, which somehow made me lose my cool. Told him I'm not exactly enjoying the conversation, started giving one-word answers then decided to give it a rest and slept on it. After a few hours, he realized he was wrong and he immediately apologized. It was really just a petty fight, didn't even last a day... not that I want it to.

Birthday. It was one of my college friend's birthday, and I filed a leave for it because I know we would be spending the night at his place. However, I felt guilty somehow, that our groups seemed like the anti-social group. We didn't join his other friends on their drinking session, instead we huddled inside his room and took over his new cool pc. We had our own party and of course, my friend didn't look too happy about it. We were such party poopers.

November... still not so much of a great month for me. December isn't looking too good either. But, who knows...

Burnout

a dead guy asked God for one last day on earth to see and be with his girl... God granted the wish but too bad God also granted his girl's wish: to die for a day to see and be with him... one last time

The day I received this text message... it struck me so hard that even if I just woke up... I cried. I know the sender of the message didn't mean to send it, because she had no idea whatsoever about my situation and all. But just to give her a hint, I told her that I wish God can grant such wishes sometimes...

At this age of 22, I feel like I'm tired of life already. I feel like I've seen it all and I've done it all. I'm done with all the negativity in life. I'm burnt out. My best friend says I experienced too much too soon... and I couldn't agree more.

It's not that I'm being ungrateful of the life that was given to me... of course I'm thankful that my heart's still beating but with the way things are going, I'm not exactly sure I'd be able to survive long enough. It's just so freakin' hard. I've tried my very best... and I AM still trying... but it's really not helping that much... I've tried all approaches I know and I'm currently running out of ideas... I don't really know what to do anymore. Friends are a great help, but they can only take you so far. When I'm alone, I've to rely on myself. The rest is still really up to me. It appears I'm not really good with helping myself. I can help other people, but I can't help myself. I feel like I'm slowly letting myself down.

I sometimes feel like my blog really sucks (as what Jeff said on my tagboard). Another said it's too heavy. Too depressing to read. It's such a sorry blog. A great depiction of my sorry self. Maybe I should rename this as "The Great Depression" or something. Okay, enough already...

Todos Los Santos

Yesterday, like many families around the country, we visited our dearly departed relatives. I woke up at 7am after sleeping like a log for eleven hours. Our tito sent the all-new Nissan Urvan to fetch us since our driver is unavailable. So we set out first to go to Holy Cross Memorial Park before going to Bulacan. I was about to blog about the trip using my mobile phone but then I realized that I can only write a limited number of characters that even my introduction won't fit. So I decided to make a mental note of the trip instead.

We took a never-before-seen alternate route to Holy Cross Memorial Park. We made a wrong turn at first and ended up at a dead end on a steep and narrow road. Then we tried again, we took a turn on the right corner and the rest is an Amazing Race Family Edition experience. The signs we were trying to follow are so miniscule, it's so easy to miss it. Good thing my cousin has where's-waldo-trained-eyes that we were able to follow the miniature signs. On every turn, the road becomes narrower and narrower and then on the last turn we got to what seemed like a private property, that we're starting to wonder if we're on the right road. We continued on and we finally got to our destination at half the time it would have taken us if we took the road we used to take. Turns out it was the back gate. It does pay to take the road less travelled.

There weren't as much people as I've expected, but apart from that, everything seemed normal. We lit our candles, said our prayers, cleaned a little, ate our lunch, waited for the next batch of relatives and then left for Bulacan. We got there at around 2 pm . Like usual, we walked around the house and looked for interesting stuff. My tito is part of the production team for Encantadia (if I'm not mistaken, production director I think), so some of the props (and even the clothes) and some other stuff are there at the house. Also, my tito has a new gadget, he's got a laptop! And he showed us some pictures from the shooting. Then we saw Phantom of the Opera lying around on the table, so we watched it on his laptop. It was a nice movie and I liked the songs. Very theatrical. Me and my sister sat through it for more than 2 hours. I liked the movie, but not as much as I liked his laptop! Then, after eating a delicious palabok they bought somewhere, I took my usual afternoon nap. I woke up to eat dinner and right before we slept, my tito told us a scary story that's happening at our house. Our house is a really old spanish house complete with capiz windows, pillars and all that. The front road is almost like a main road where buses, jeepneys and tricycles drive by. He said some jeepney drivers asked him about an old lady standing upstairs by the window looking sternly at them. Apart from that, they also saw a beautiful lady in red clothing by the window. There are no longer any old ladies living in our house and no, I wasn't standing by the window wearing red (hehehe). It seems that they are pertaining to one of our lolas who died last 2003 (she's known to be masungit, so I guess that's her). So as not to scare the other people, they just made up names when they ask who it was. As for the beautiful lady in red, it was the life-size statue of the Virgin Mary that we have upstairs. La Virgen Dolorosa I think. (Sorry I wasn't able to take a picture of her but it's the one where she was crying and there's a stabbed heart on the chest). Every year during Holy Week, she's always a part of the procession. Way back when my tito's mom was still alive, she saw that beautiful lady in red lying down the bed. Quite miraculous they say but it scared me.

We visited the grave of my tito's mom, our lola, this afternoon. He made a theme for this year's Undas. This year, it's chinese (they say next year it's Filipiniana). It was complete with red rectangle-shaped papers around the grave, chinese lanterns, incense sticks, round fruits, chinese music, chinese food, chopsticks (on my hair) etc. My tito even donned a chinese outfit. All the people passing by never failed to look our way, one man even spilled the spaghetti he was carrying because he was too busy looking. My tito really knows how to attract attention from people. Here's a blurry picture of it:



I was planning to drop by Bubu's wall on our way home, but then we got home a bit late (around 9 PM). So I promised that I'd visit him tomorrow. Last Sunday, I bought a frame for the wallet size picture I got from Ate Danette and I can bring it whenever I visit him. I'm quite excited to see the finished columbarium, Ate Danette said the fountain near his wall is finished already. The last time I visited, I think they were just halfway through and so I couldn't stay longer. Now I can stay as long as I want!. Hehehe. I'll see yah tomorrow Bubu! ;P

Not All Exes Can Be Friends...

I have proven this just the other night. For the longest time, I was keeping in touch with an ex-boyfriend (from around three or more years ago) in hopes that we can be friends. He has a girlfriend (who's been with him for almost two years now I think) and he knows about my current situation. He was sympathetic about it at first, however, when we talked about plans on hanging out, we ended up arguing. Why? Because of his, somehow, indecent proposals... and what's even ridiculous is that he seriously thinks there's absolutely nothing wrong with it! I made it clear that I wanted us to be friends. I expect to be treated that way only and nothing more. It seems that he still did not see my point, no matter how many times I explain. So, I asked him if he still thinks I'm not over him. And believe me, he had the nerve to say yes. OH PUHLEEEZ! I tried to make him understand again how I certainly do not wish for us to be back in a relationship because whatever romantic feelings I had for him has completely vanished into thin air. I even told him that I would even help him should he have any problems with his girlfriend. I have no intentions whatsoever to be involved with him again. Bottomline: I refused to go out with him because of the indecent proposals. He was sounding more psycho as the conversation went on.

As it turns out, that was all he wanted. When he finally got the point that I don't want to go out with him in any other way but as friends. He said "what's the point?". I almost wanted to just bang my head on the wall. So I gave up, I told him that I guess he's not mature enough to look beyond the past. I am in good terms with my other exes, and we absolutely got no problems being friends. But there always has to be an exception... and it has to be him. I told him that all I can offer him is friendship and if he chooses to deny it then I will respect it. Then he asked me for a favor. Here's an excerpt from the conversation:

X: will u do me a favor
me: wat
X: dont entertain me
me: as you wish..
X: regardless if am the 1 hu started 1st or watever, just dont talk to me
X: k
X: thanks
me: why cant you stop yourself from talking to me?
X: coz ur still in my list

I know, what an excuse. (I never really initiate conversations with him, even if he WAS on my list. it was him who oftens initiate it). The heated conversation continues:

me: well then remove me from your list
X: i will
me: if it's that difficult for you
X: NO
me: i dont know.. maybe you're just not mature enough
me: you cant even make your exes your friends
me: you can't see past it (the EX label)
X: coz i choose not to
me: coz you cant
X: ex is not a friend.....wats d use

So, basically, he couldn't see the point why exes can be friends... and I respect that. But he continued bickering until I got extremely irritated that even when he was still typing, I quickly clicked on the "Ignore" button. It's funny... he's the oldest ex (in terms of age) I have.. and yet he acts so immature. He was like that when we were still together... I guess some people never change.

Actually, when you come to think of it, it's not so bad that we're not friends... besides, I choose my friends well... and he was kind enough to help me make the right decision not to include him! Hahahahaha... ;P

Subconscious Mind

I woke up smiling today, coz I had one of the greatest dream I can remember. I dreamt of him today. It was really short, but vivid. He was there but it's as if that everybody knows he was away for a long while. It seemed that he just came back from a long vacation and I was sort of taking his clothes out of what seems like his luggage (how I wish it was really just that or maybe that's what my subconcious mind wants to believe). He was just like how he was when he was still here. Perky, jolly, lively, cheerful and can't stay put in one place. I remember I was telling him to stop moving around so much, he told me he can't because he has a lot of people to make happy, then he continued bouncing off the walls (not literally of course). Then, my mom woke me up coz it's time for work... sigh.

I spoke to him before I slept that afternoon, and I was telling him how much I miss him and how I wish to see him... and then by some miracle, I dreamt about him! I guess he's really just around. So, when I risked looking like a crazy person talking to no one, I was being heard after all...

Not A Perfect Day

When I woke up today, I sort of knew this was not my day. First, today is the day I go back to work after five consecutive days of not working (somehow, my rest days got accumulated). Second, I really HAVE to go to Diliman to do some research (Have, meaning, I don't want to but I need to). These are the thoughts in my mind the moment I woke up and that's not exactly how I wanted to welcome an otherwise beautiful day.

I left the house at 9am and I rode a jeepney going to Guadalupe (MRT). It slipped my mind that it's rush hour so the traffic is at its worst. What would normally take 15 minutes, took me an hour. Had I known that, I could have just taken a bus to MRT Buendia and so I wouldn't be as sweaty as I was when I got there. But at least, I got there in one piece. Went down at Quezon Avenue and almost got lost with the new loading zones.

Then I finally got to UP Diliman. So I went to library number 1, and got the book I needed. I thought my luck was starting to change but when I got to library number 2, my whole world crumbled. Nope, it's not because I didn't get the books I needed. My trip to library number 2 was successful (but the trip to library number 3 is not because it's already closed). Something rather unfortunate happened to my phone. It was acting up this morning, even with a newly recharged battery, it hangs. Then it's not accepting the correct PIN code. Then I keep losing signal. While I was walking towards library number 2, my phone memory is full of messages and I planned to deal with it when I get to my destination. Then the next time I looked at it... it's no longer flashing that yellow envelope signaling that I'm out of space... and the word INBOX is grayed out... my heart started to race as I click on it.. half-expecting that I'm just dreaming... then I saw the last thing I ever want to see happen on my phone.. NO MESSAGES. I almost wanted to cry and throw my phone out of the 3rd floor window. All his recent messages that I've been guarding like my life depended on it, gone in an instant, without warning and without a trace. I even refused to buy a new phone because his messages are stored in the phone memory and if I remove the sim card, it will all be gone. What's even frustrating is that this morning, I already freed up some space on my sim memory so that I can store the 20+ messages from him later on the day. It was lost before I had the chance to move them. They are nothing but a memory now. I almost wanted to collapse right then and there.

I quickly texted his sister, Ate Danette and two of my friends and told them about it (cause I was about ready to cry at that time and telling people how I feel really helps to make me feel better). She told me maybe it's God's way of telling me to move on. It's the same thing my friend told me. Coincidentally, I received their messages only seconds apart. Yup, maybe that's a sign... maybe I just didn't want to think of it as that (read: denial). I'm just quite not ready to let go... I'm sorry.

And so I visited him today (luckily I didn't get lost). But then, there are too many workers around (since the building is not yet finished and they're trying to complete it by November) and so I couldn't have a quiet moment with him. I think I have even stepped on a wet cement and quickly apologized to the worker who's, uhm.. working on it. Plus the sun was shining so brightly and I do not have anything to shield myself from it's strong rays. Fortunately though, the guard was an angel and was kind enough to lead me to his wall and lend me an umbrella and even offered to get me a chair. I said he doesn't really need to for I won't stay long (it's past 3pm and I got work later at night plus I haven't even had my lunch yet and I was about ready to faint). I stared at the wall for a while, whispered things to him while looking at his name on that wall while fighting back tears that are threatening to fall. Before I left, I promised I'd go back at a much better time.

And so I decided to go home and rest and eat, rode an FX to Buendia, again without realizing that it's a Friday thus it's traffic in Quiapo. I got home tired and hungry. So after eating a hearty meal, I snoozed for a few hours before I get myself ready for work. And that was practically how my day went. Certainly not perfect, but it was definitely meaningful and absolutely not a waste.

"THE" Reply

I was actually expecting a longer reply to my email, but I guess I didn't leave much for you to reply on... there's really not much to say...

I guess we did agree on most parts, however, I know you wish that my answer was based on the negativity that you were more or less showing. But then, I think it was better to base it on what is really there to begin with and not on what is lacking. I was real honest with my reasons because I think you deserve to know the truth. I am sorry if the truth has scarred you. You know it was really not my intention.

Also, you don't have to blame yourself, as you have said it, maybe the pressure around us was partly to blame so it was really not mainly your fault. There are some situations where we are not in control of. Some things are really bound to happen, I guess. As what I kept telling you, it is better to take the risk than to wonder all your life "what if" and telling yourself "if only" (seems like I should make this my motto coz I have sooo often used this line). At least, somehow, you found your peace.

I'm also sorry if I gave you any false expectations. I'm sorry if I seemed so cruel by not telling you right away. But you know how I'm not used to turning people down. You know how hard it is for me to be upfront with my answer, no matter what the circumstance is, especially when the answer is "no". The nearest answer I can give to a "no", is a "maybe" or a "why not". I am just not that good with negativity. I wasn't built that way.

At least, there's still something good that came out of this situation. I mean, at least, the friendship was still saved somehow. If anything, I think it made the friendship even stronger (although there was a time when we kept on arguing and it seemed that the friendship was on the brink of falling apart but then, things changed for the better). A lot better than what we have expected it to turn out. Like I told you, things will straighten themselves out eventually.

For what it's worth, thank you for understanding the situation I am in and for all the things you have done. I am sure you'll eventually find the happiness you truly deserved. I may still be on the way to recovery... and God only knows when I will finally have the strength to live again... but somehow, it's reassuring to know that you're still there in spite of everything...

Comfort Zone

I know its been months since he was gone. But I still can't stop thinking about him and wishing he was still here. I hate being alone because it makes me miss him even more. I really do not know if I'll ever get over it all. It's just, I don't know, too damn hard! Before I've been telling him how I cannot seem to last a day without him. Now I realize how true it seems. He just became my world and now I can't get back to how I was before he came. He became sooo much a part of my life that I feel like I'm severely crippled.

And sometimes, I feel like I do not want to get over it. Now, the feeling that is emerging is one of fear. I fear for the day that I might forget everything about him. Over time, I might forget how it feels to be with him. I might forget how it feels to hug him, hold him or kiss him. More importantly, I might forget the feelings I have for him. I might forget all the wonderful memories we've shared. Basically, I have decided to live in the past. I honestly refuse to move on for the meantime. I just don't want to forget and I don't want to do anything that would make me forget.

Just the other day, I've watched the movie 'My Sassy Girl". A romantic comedy about real life incidents (they say) written by Kim Ho-sik that tells about his weird relationship with his eccentric girlfriend. I could totally relate to the girl in the movie and I wish I can get a transcript of that girl's letter. I'm planning to watch it again soon, but not until I have more than 2 hours free time coz the movie is THAT long. But still, I so love that movie. Plus the timing when I watched it can't be better.

On other news, there are a lot of changes going on in the workplace. Now they've become stricter than ever. First, they prohibit the use of cellphones on the floor. Then, they prohibit browsing on workstations even if you're just checking mail. Now, they made a policy which prohibits bringing of personal belongings onto the Operations Floor. Now, ain't that crazy talk? We have to stow our stuff in our lockers before proceeding to our respective workstations like it's a baggage counter. The locker is not even that big enough. If I place my pillow and blanket there, there won't be enough space for my other stuff! What's even worse is that two people share one locker. Outrageous. But wait, there's more! We're no longer allowed to post stuff on the monitor frame or cubicle wall. Not even a simple note unless approved by the manager. Also, nothing should be left under or on the desk after shift. Not a single manual or clearbook. They've even installed surveillance cameras to make sure I won't sleep even during my lunch time. I guess they were bitten by that Big Brother bug. Next thing you know, we'll be in uniforms. I mean, what kind of work environment is that? I feel like I'm in military school for crying out loud! And they're expecting us to treat the workplace as if it's "Home Sweet Home"? Well, they can expect mass resignation anytime soon. We're all honestly just waiting for our 13th month pay and then we'll probably say goodbye to "Home Sweet Home". If I seriously don't have bills to pay right now, I would have chosen to be unemployed by now.

Obviously right now I hate changes. I do not want to leave my comfort zone, a good friend had observed. Recently, I have refused another substantial change to happen. It was time that I become honest and tell the person what I really think before he thinks I'm using him or taking advantage of the situation. It wasn't easy really but it was somehow poisoning the friendship. I just hope he does not go into bouts of self-pity again and think it's all his fault cause it's really nobody's fault. I don't exactly know the gravity of what I've done, but I feel like I'm gonna know soon. I'm afraid I might not like it. The truth does set us free, but telling it is never easy. And it does more than set us free. Sometimes, the consequence is not what we hoped it to be. As for me, I'm still wishing everything will be alright... back to how it was before. Sigh. The past can be so enticing sometimes. If I can travel through time, I'd rather go to the past than the future. The closest thing to time travel that I can do is to sleep and dream. It's truly my favorite "past time". :)

just trying this thing out

this is cool, i can actually email my blogger and then it will... erm, it
SHOULD.. be automatically posted.. let's try this..

Of Dreams and Memories

Just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on HBO. It gave me a headache, but I can say that it was well worth it. It's a good movie because it makes you realize how precious memories are and how erasing it will only make matters worse. I mean, it's worse enough that you no longer have the person... what's worse than erasing whatever you have left of him/her. Before, I honestly wished I could have selective amnesia so that I can erase certain memories off my mind. But then, I wouldn't be what I am today without them (I know it sounds clicheic). So from then on, I learned how to cherish memories, both good and bad... only now, I concentrate more on the good ones.

Anyway, for the first time in a long time (I know it doesn't sound right), I dreamt of him! Although it was really reeeeaaaalllyyy short, I don't care (I just took a nap anyway so it's supposed to be short). I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car, and he was driving. The car seat is white. I was complaining, telling him he doesn't hold my hand while he's driving anymore. And he said his hand is on the clutch. After changing gears, he reached for my hand and held it... placed it on his lap. Just like before. At last, after all those sleep I've been doing, I got to see him and be with him in my dreams. That is why I keep sleeping whenever I get the chance... to be with him even for just a moment.

Thank God It's Saturday

Anyway, I went out with my college friends last night because it was Ana's birthday. I honestly did not think the plan to meet up would push through. We were all supposed to meet up at six in the evening. I was waiting for a text from whoever gets there first just to know if it will indeed push through. At quarter till 7, Ana texted me asking where I am. That was the only time I moved my feet to get ready to go.

We ate at Outback Restaurant at Glorietta. It was my first time to eat there. When I saw the menu, I remembered why I never ate there. The prices are ridiculous. Their 9-ounce steak is worth P895 a meal! I know the serving is generous and the food is not bad at all. But P895? That's almost enough to pay for my monthly internet subscription! And it's not even the most expensive meal on the menu, I saw one which is worth almost 2 grand I think. WOW! Only Ana can spend that much to treat us to a fine dinner. (And I forgot to ask if I can have the receipt so I can have it recorded for points for my Ayala Discount Plus.) Heheheh.

So after that, we were supposed to go to Capone's so that I can still be with them since my office is only a couple of blocks away from there (I've work on Saturday night. It sucks, I know). But unfortunately, that little bar is too crowded. It's sooo overcrowded that people are actually spilling out on the sidewalk. So I was faced with a tough decision. I was torn between going to work on time or show up late... or don't show up at all. Showing up late got the best of me so we decided to go to Greenhills.

We hanged out at Oyster Boy, met my friend's boyfriend and had a few drinks. After I finished a bottle, I started missing Bubu again because three of my friends are with their special someones. The last time we all got together like this, we were all at the UP Fair and I was with Bubu. God, I miss him... I'd give anything just to have him back (and I can almost hear someone say "here we go again". Hahaha.) Spare me a few lines of nostalgia, okay?!

So moving on, after finishing my second bottle, we left at quarter till two. They dropped me off at the office and I was officially three hours and three minutes late. I almost wished I went home instead, but somehow I mustered enough strength to work. I was even more productive than I was the day before. No fuss! It's not everyday that Ana turns 22, right? Thanks Ans, sorry I had to be the party pooper! Advanced happy birthday!! :)

Long Overdue Revamp

I'm planning to change the layout of my blog. I just got bored with my first-ever-shot-at-designing-my-blog-that's-why-it-looked-so-lame layout. Therapy you may call it. Although I still kept the old template, you know, sentimental value. I just do not know when I will have the time and effort to create a new and improved layout. Stay tuned. ;)

just like family

Last Thursday, September 8th was Bujing's 40th day. A mass was celebrated at ate Danette's house and dinner came after. I was both excited and nervous on going because it's the first time I'll meet his family and relatives with my identity already known. Although I was already acquainted with most of them through the pictures he had shown and stories he had told before, I never really got the chance to meet them when he was still here.

Before we got there, I felt a bit uneasy because I do not know what to expect or how I should act. For days, I was actually trying to anticipate what might happen but I really do not have a clue. But when we got there, all those negative feelings went away. Somehow, I almost felt like he was just there. It was almost as if, all feelings of misery was replaced with bliss. Coz I know I was around the people whom Bujing loved the most and I was blessed to be one of them.

I was the only one among my colleagues who's on leave, and I couldn't decide right away if I would stay alone or leave with them. But they know I wanted to stay (coz they know how much I love talking about him [Jeff can attest to that] and they know how much it would help) so I made up my mind to stay when ate Danette asked me to. And I'm glad I did stay. I was a little shy coz I know I'm practically a stranger to them. But a stranger I never felt I was when I was with his family. They were very warm and accommodating, I instantly felt I was just like family. I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions. Happy that I finally got to meet them and sad that I was not able to share such a wonderful moment with him. His whole family was great and I readily understood why he loved them so much. They were such pleasant people and I really had a great time with them. Being with them somehow filled an empty space in my heart. So, if anyone who was there gets to read this, thank you sooo much for making me feel welcome. It was really nice to meet all of you for the first time, and I sure hope it's not the last. :)

the month of july

I know this post may seem long overdue because it’s been a month since July happened. But, whaddya know… I won an eRep Excellence Award for July! (Which I only learned recently so don’t blame me) Hurray for me! Oh and yah for Ron too, who bagged the Super Sup Award! Yey! (Hmm.. so where’s my buffet breakfast, Ron? Just kidding! uhm, okay, half-kidding! hahaha!)

July was a month where all things good and bad happened. It was the only month that I felt extreme emotions (both happy and sad). It did not start well at all because I was a wreck on the first week. I went through what others might call an emotional breakdown. I was so down that I had to spend a week out of town just to redeem myself. It did me good. I was able to think about stuff, clear my mind of clutter, spend quality time with my mom, relax, unwind, and of course, shop. Then when I got back, the last two weeks of the month was the best two weeks of my life. My emotions took a sudden turn for the better. I was happy, inspired, full of life… and love. I remember one of my friends at work even jokingly told me “Baka mamatay ka nyan bukas sa sobrang saya mo”. And then on the last day of the month, I didn’t die but the happiness was truly taken away.

I’m still not over it yet, I’m sorry. I still cry almost everyday when I remember. I don’t know what stage of grief I am in now but I’ll take my time. My body is not responding well to the drastic changes in my life. I’m not as resilient to change as I thought I was. I can’t eat right. When I’m at work, I’ll get really hungry but as soon as I see food, I won’t feel like eating anymore. My sleeping pattern is abnormal. No matter how late I stay up, I still wake up early. My mood swing is getting on a new level. I’m all hyper and jolly one day and then all clammed up and anti-social the next day. Sometimes, I feel like time stood still. Sometimes, I even lose the will to live… (I said sometimes, don’t worry, I won’t do anything stupid).

The only thing, which I’m always thankful for and that keeps me going, is the people around me. Like what I said before, they are the source of my strength. I was even touched to know how some people would share words of encouragement even though they do not know me personally. Even though I was not able to meet them when Bubu was still around, I’m glad I still got a chance to know some of the wonderful people in his life. Somehow, it makes me feel like he’s still here. It’s true, love really does not end in death. It lives on and never leaves.